Chapter 13
‘Where did Steven go?’ Gran asked as Rae set down the basket of fruit on the dining table. The plates from their dinner had been left piled in the sink, so she ran the hot water, turning her back to hide her grimace.
‘Struan,’ she corrected. ‘And he’s gone home. He said thank you for the food.’
‘I bet he said it was better than yours, too.’ Gran sniffed, flicking on the kettle on the counter next to Rae.
She grimaced at the sound, feeling a little more sensitive than usual.
Had she been still in the restaurant, she would have been hiding in the freezer by now.
Doing the dishes was the next best thing, and also a way of collecting herself before she returned Martha’s four missed calls.
‘He did, actually. Where’s Dad?’
‘Watching the telly.’ Gran surveyed her through icy eyes. ‘There’s grass in your hair. And your T-shirt is damp.’
Oh, God. She knew.
In a panic, Rae shook her ponytail out to cover the damp circles over her chest. Her nipples were still visible, still seeking out that delicious chafe against wet fabric. ‘I was sweaty out there, harvesting the tayberries.’
‘Oh, and what a bountiful harvest it must have been.’
In the kitchen window, Rae’s reflection turned the same colour as the blazing sunset outside. ‘I don’t know what you mean.’
‘Did you at least use protection?’
Her grip tightened around the bottle of washing up liquid, bubbles puffing out of the spout and popping between them. ‘Gran!’
‘What? Albert and I ran this farm for fifty years. I know what sort of shenanigans can happen.’ She waggled her finger. ‘It’s a little-known fact that tayberries are an aphrodisiac.’
Not even cleaning could save her from this. She turned off the hot water and backed away from the sink, sweat trickling down her neck. ‘I’m going to go upstairs and possibly drown myself in the bath now. Goodnight, Gran.’
‘Half-a-job Harry,’ Gran grumbled.
Rae dashed upstairs, almost tripping over Milly in the process, and closed her bedroom door to muffle her groans. She’d made a mess. An embarrassing, selfish mess. She would have to tell Martha. She couldn’t keep this bottled up, not when they were already struggling.
She pulled out her phone and found it dead, so flopped onto the bed to plug it into its charger behind the nightstand.
As she waited for it to switch on, she flipped between complete and utter panic and heady memories of Struan’s fingers inside her.
The way he’d talked through it all, low and raspy and gentle.
He’d known exactly how to curl into her G-spot, and those praises when she’d made him come had sent jolts of triumph through her.
Lust smouldered inside her, enough that she considered touching herself just to pretend it was his fingers, but she knew it wouldn’t be the same. Hers were short and clumsy. His had been long and nimble, stretching her out in new ways.
Her illuminated phone screen pulled her out of her dirty little reverie.
Martha was already video calling her again, and she took a deep breath before tapping the accept button with a trembling thumb.
‘Nice of you to finally pick up!’ Martha sported an only partially fake glower. She sat out on her patio, a book about astronomy open in her free hand and the sky reflected in the lenses of her glasses.
‘I’m sorry. I was…’ That lump returned to her throat as she sat up on the bed. ‘Martha, I need to tell you something—’
‘Do you know how aggravating it is to do this with you every single day?’ Martha cut in.
Rae knew she was in trouble when she saw the red splotches of anger on her best friend’s neck, interrupted only by the gold crescent moon necklace Rae had gotten her for her birthday three years ago.
She’d tried so hard to keep Martha in her life, keep in contact even over oceans and across opposite time zones, but she’d failed.
‘I made excuses for you when you were in Australia,’ Martha continued, ‘but now you’re not. You’re a few hours away, yet you still won’t pick up my calls.’
‘My phone was on silent—’
‘It always is!’
Rae flinched at the sharp shout crackling down the phone. Martha was right. Life was overwhelming enough without having to think about all the people she barely had time to call, so she’d grown detached from the device completely. It wasn’t an excuse. She should have tried harder. She just…
Couldn’t breathe. She was panicking again. She tried to swallow it down.
‘I love you, Rae, but it’s hard to be your friend when only one of us is even vaguely in the modern world. How am I meant to reach you? Send a carrier pigeon?’ Martha’s blue eyes glittered with the promise of tears, and guilt sank in Rae’s stomach.
‘I know. I’m really, really sorry. I’ll do better.’
‘Is something going on with you? Should I be worried?’
‘No. No, everything’s fine.’ Rae had thought it was the truth until her voice wobbled.
‘Right.’ Martha sighed like she knew it, too. ‘I was only calling because Vik and I were trying to plan our trip. We wanted to come earlier, and I wanted to check it was okay before I booked the trains.’
‘Of course it’s okay. How much earlier?’ If it was this week, Rae might seriously consider her earlier plans to drown in the bathtub. There was no way things with Struan could return to normal before then, and he’d be around constantly to spend time with Martha and Vik.
‘Well, my last graduation ceremony is next week, so the following Monday?’
Okay. That was ample time to sort out her feelings and/or start a new life far, far away. She’d always wanted to visit Antarctica.
‘Sounds good.’ She forced a smile. ‘I’m really excited to see you.’
Martha’s grunt dripped with disbelief.
‘I am!’ Rae vowed. She shifted nervously against her pillows, wondering if she should tell her about Struan now, when things were already fraught, or wait until she could do it in person. By then, their chemistry would have fizzled out like she’d said, so would there be anything to tell?
Because she was a coward, she decided it better to at least improve Martha’s mood first, forcing a smile so wide it made her cheeks ache. ‘I think I’m going to look for a job closer to home after summer. Maybe there’ll even be something in Edinburgh.’
‘Oh, good. You can ignore me in my own city, then.’
‘Martha… Come on. You can’t pretend you’ve not been busy, too.’
Everything about their friendship had changed when Vik – literally – jogged into the picture. They went from Facetiming three times a week to once, if Rae was lucky. It was part of the reason she struggled with new friendships: she’d always be the single one, the second choice.
‘I’m willing to forgive you if you pick me up from the train station,’ Martha said, a trace of a smile returning.
‘That’s gracious of you.’
‘Or we could keep arguing—’
‘No, thank you,’ Rae pleaded.
‘Oh, another thing!’ Martha brightened. She was equally as good at forgetting a grudge as she was at holding one – for the right people.
Rae wasn’t sure she’d qualify as right for much longer.
‘The Strawberry Fair will still be at the end of August, aye? Because I’ve invited a pal I want to set up with Struan! ’
Rae’s flushed skin suddenly felt icy. ‘Oh?’
‘She’s perfect for him, Rae,’ gushed Martha.
‘Outdoorsy, always out with her dogs, loves travelling, very laid back. And she’s gorgeous.
Like, model material. He’d be punching, but apparently, she liked what she saw when I showed her his Instagram, so I thought, why not?
It’s about time he started getting serious. ’
‘Is that what he wants? Something serious?’ Rae tried to sound nonchalant, but her voice quavered.
The thought of him with someone else after what they’d just done…
made her feel nauseous. Rae was none of the things Martha had just described.
She wasn’t laid back, and if she was outdoorsy, it was only for the sake of the farm.
She spent the weekends trying new recipes or planning her budget, not hiking around in the wilderness like Struan.
Jesus, they couldn’t even have one casual evening of sex together before she’d completely freaked out on him. Wasn’t that proof enough they’d be a disastrous couple?
‘Well, he says he doesn’t,’ said Martha, ‘but he’s going to become a hermit if he carries on.
He hasn’t dated anyone in, like, a year.
His problem is that he always goes for people he knows he doesn’t have a chance with, and his stupid jokes mean they don’t really take him seriously, but I reckon he and Emma will be very compatible.
She likes his sort of banter. I believe her exact words were that she’d like to climb him like a tree. ’
‘That’s… good. Climb away, I say.’ Rae should have been relieved. Soon, Struan would meet his hand-picked match, and they would all go back to the way it used to be. There was no reason to upset Martha in the meantime.
‘He’s not been bothering you again today, has he?’ Martha asked. ‘He’s like a stray puppy. You can’t get rid of him, especially if you feed him.’
Rae spat out a forced laugh. ‘He’s actually been very helpful. We were in town today to deliver some samples of jam, and he made quite the salesman.’
‘That’s good. Although it’s sort of weird you two are hanging out without me.’ She narrowed her eyes. ‘Hang on. Were you ignoring me for my brother?’
‘Of course not. It was work.’ It didn’t count as ignoring if it was unintentional, did it?
Either way, it proved what Rae had already known: Martha wouldn’t be comfortable with them starting something, casual or otherwise.
She wasn’t even that keen on them being friends.
There would be no more kissing or fornicating.
At all. Besides, he had no more excuses to see her now that Dad’s ankle was healing and she’d gotten the ball rolling with the farm.
‘Good. Look, Vik wants to go to the pub for a pint, so I’ll have to love you and leave you. Turn your bloody phone off silent, okay?’
‘Okay!’ Rae waved and hung up, then threw her phone on her bed facedown as anxiety swallowed her up.
She’d thought that managing the farm would be her hardest task this summer, but it turned out that she hadn’t even scratched the surface.