52. Panic
fifty-two
Panic
T he hallway is crowded. I huddle into my locker, gathering everything that’s left of my high school career in my arms. It’s the seniors’ last day.
All around me, the kids I spent the last four years with are getting ready to leave high school behind.
Screams float through the open doorway. I know it’s only the traditional water fight, but the noise is getting to me.
I can barely breathe, and I’m trying hard not to throw up.
I have to get out of here.
I slam the door to my locker shut and try to become as small as possible as I make my way down the hall.
A guy chasing two girls down the hall with a can of silly string slams into me.
I press into a corner of the hallway and slide to the floor, my arms wrapped around myself for protection. I can't stop shaking. I can't breathe.
“Are you okay?” It’s Shel, Lexie’s friend. “You look pretty freaked.” She reaches her hand out, but I don’t have the breath left to answer her.
I’m drowning. My fingers and toes prickle and go numb.
“Blow out, sometimes it helps,” Shel sits on the floor next to me. “Just keep breathing.” She lets me squeeze her fingers.
When I’m finally through it I look up at her. “How did you—”
“Know you were having a panic attack? I’ve seen it before, Lexie—” She stops like she said too much.
I take a breath and finish for her. “Lexie has them too. Because of something Brad did. That’s why she left school, isn’t it?”
Shel nods. “She doesn’t want anyone to know.”
I grip her arm. “But you know where she is? You know how to contact her?”
“She’s been through a lot.” Shel hesitates, “I don’t want her to...”
“I’ve been through a lot. Someone else might go through a lot if Brad gets away again.”
Shel sighs. “I’ll give you her phone number. If she wants to text you back, that’s up to her.”
I stare at the phone in my hand and the last text I sent.
It has to be today.
After forever I get one letter.
K
“Jess,” Mom yells up the stairs. “Is everything okay? Jasmine just called. She said you're late for your nail appointment and you aren’t answering her.”
“I’ll text her back,” I say as she reaches my door.
“But you aren’t going?” Mom looks worried.
“I have something I have to do.”
“You have to be at the auditorium by six,” Mom reminds me.
“I know, Mom. I won’t miss graduation.” I grab my cap and gown and head for the door.
“It was my fault.” Lexie leans close to me so no one else can hear.
We’re alone in a little cafe two towns over.
It was the only way I could get her to meet me.
“What happened that night. I was pissed and jealous and...” she breathes out, “I couldn’t stand that he was with you, so I gave him the stupid pills.
I never thought he’d try the same thing on me.
When I realized what was happening, when I tried to fight back.
..” She shakes her head. Silent tears slide down her cheeks.
I should be furious with what she just revealed, but she looks so shattered that I can’t feel anything but pity. “It’s okay,” I say, even though I know it isn’t.
“It was for you. Nothing happened. You tore up his cheek and got away.”
“I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t heard you talking in the bathroom. So, in a crazy way, I guess you saved me.” I mean it to be comforting, but she cringes.
“Nobody was there to save me.” She won’t look at me. “Maybe I deserved it.”
“No one deserves that.” I reach to touch her arm, but she pulls away. “But we can’t let him get away with it. I need your help now. You need to sign a statement or...”
She’s shaking her head. “I can’t. If my mom or my dad knew they’d lose it. And if Brad doesn’t go to jail...” her voice quavers. “I know him. He’s never going to let this go. If he finds out I... I’m not like you, Jess. I’m not strong enough.”
I look into her red-rimmed eyes. “You are. I promise. You’re stronger than you think you are. And you’re right, this will never be over if he keeps getting away with it.”
She looks down at the table, tracing the lines of fake marble. “I’ll think about it.”