53. End of the Trail
fifty-three
End of the Trail
G raduation is one of those moments that can never live up to the anticipation. We’ve all waited four years for this. The caps, the gowns, the pomp and circumstance, the whole circus. It seems unreal. I’m walking around in a dream.
Jasmine is squealing and hugging everyone she sees. Taryn is clinging to Ryder’s hand as we line up. Her eyes are red again, She looks paler than usual.
The ceremony drags on. Part of me wants it to be over, and part of me wants it to last forever. I look around at the kids I’ve seen almost every day for four years. Some for longer than that.
Brad is here, in a wheelchair. He’s pushed across the stage and then stands to get his diploma to thunderous applause.
I accept my diploma without looking anyone in the eye.
I don’t dare look to the left or right. Mom and Dad and Tyler are the only ones here to see this.
Matt is already gone. Jacob isn’t here. I don't know if he would have come if the lawyer hadn't told us to stay away from each other.
I'm not sure I would have wanted him here anyway.
I’m trying not to think about tomorrow. Trying not to think about facing Brad in the courtroom. Trying not to think about Lexie and how she should be here with us.
Everyone stands. I guess the speeches are over.
Jaz and Taryn are crying as they throw their caps in the air.
I throw mine, but I can’t cry, even as they crush me in a hug.
A million contrasting emotions—joy and pain, relief and fear, exhilaration and anguish—mix together with a bunch of little square caps. They fall to the ground.
High school is over.
Jasmine has a huge party at her house after graduation. She planned it before prom, and I told her to go ahead with it. I dress up and go. Put on a cheerful face. Hug people. Talk. Answer a million questions. I don’t eat anything. My mind and my stomach are focused on my court date tomorrow.
By nine, I’m tired of pretending I’m okay. I call Mom to come and get me, like a little girl who’s too afraid to stay at a sleepover. Taryn drove me to the party, but she’s snuggled up on the couch with Ryder. I don’t want to make her leave.
I lie in bed for hours without sleeping. My counselor prescribed some sleeping pills for me, but I won’t take them. I don’t like the way they make me feel drugged and out of control.
Mom is up before six. She never gets up this early if she doesn’t have to. My court appearance isn’t until one o'clock. She’s cooking crepes, my favorite, but there’s no way I’m going to be able to eat them.
I get in the shower by seven o’clock. Linger for a long time in the hot water with my eyes closed. I don't get out until Mom calls from outside the door. “Jess, there’s a phone call for you.”
I wrap up in my robe and open the door. Mom hands me the phone.
“Jessica, this is Mr. Harris, your attorney.” The voice on the other end says.
“Yes,” I answer.
“I have good news for you.”
I suck in a breath.
“You don’t have to appear in court after all. I just spoke to Mr. Wilson’s attorney. They’re dropping the complaint against you, and the DA won’t be pursuing the case against you or Sergeant Ricks any further.”
I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around what he’s saying. “What? Why?”
“In light of new evidence. Alexandra Bates signed a statement corroborating your story about the party. She admits she purchased the date-rape drug for Brad and watched him put it in your drink and then hand it to you.”
“Lexie?” I shake my head. Turns out she was strong enough.
He pauses. “There’s more. Besides assault charges for what he did to you, Mr. Wilson is facing date rape charges relating to an incident with her.
And there’s talk that the girl at the university will be going forward with her complaint because of the evidence presented here.
There isn’t any proof in either case, but it’s enough to stop him coming after you for now.
I’m sure the DA will contact you if they decide to pursue charges against him.
Have a good day, Jessica. Congratulations on your graduation. "
I hang up the phone and set it on the bathroom counter. I’m not even sure if I said goodbye or thank you to Mr. Harris.
Mom is watching me.
“No court today,” I say.
“I know. He talked to me before I gave you the phone.” Mom reaches out and pulls me against her chest. “I’m so glad. This is great news. Let’s celebrate. I made crepes.”
I back away. My stomach cramps and rolls. “I’m not hungry.”
“Are you okay, Jess?”
“I need to go for a run.” The room feels too close. I have to get outside.
Mom looks worried, but she lets me go. I get dressed, grab my headphones, and drive to a little trail in the woods, far away from where I used to run with Brad.
I turn my headphones up loud and run hard, but I can’t block out the guilt.
My head is full of Lexie hurt because of me, because I was too stupid to speak up.
Tiny Lexie, the girl I hated through all of middle school and high school.
I was no match for Brad. Jacob almost got his skull bashed in by him. What must he have done to her?
When I reach the end of the trail, I turn around and run it again.
By the third time, my legs are screaming, my breath is coming in gasps, and nausea rolls through my stomach.
I lean over and retch, but nothing comes.
I kneel on the ground with my head against the tree; the world spins underneath me.
A hand on my arm makes me jump up and scream. I reach for the mace that I keep fastened to my waist, but it isn’t there. I forgot to bring it.
Then I realize it’s Jacob.
“Do you always run like this? By yourself in the woods, and with your music up so loud? It’s not safe.”
I jerk my earbuds out. “I don’t need you to lecture me on what’s safe and not safe!”
He steps back, as if he's afraid of me. “Sorry, I just—"
“What are you even doing here?”
“I was already on my way to your house when your mom called. I saw your car pull out of the driveway, so I followed you.”
“You’ve been here the whole time?” I can't stop yelling at him. “Watching me kill myself on this trail?”
“I wanted to make sure you were okay.” He puts his hand on my shoulder.
I'm shaking, every ounce of strength is gone. I slide down the tree and sit in a heap, wishing the ground would swallow me up. “I’m not.”
“Not okay?” Jacob sits down next to me.
I can only bury my face in my hands and shake my head.
He puts his arms around me. “Your mom told me we don’t have to go to court. That’s good news.”
I throw my head back against the tree. “Why does everyone keep saying that? Good news. There is nothing good about this.”
“You’re alive,” he says. “Brad will probably go to jail. You’re safe.”
“But that other girl wasn’t. Lexie wasn’t.”
“From what I heard, Lexie was in cahoots with Brad. That she gave him the stuff he put in your drink.”
“She didn’t deserve what he did to her,” I scream back at him.
He tightens his grip around my shoulder. “No, she didn’t.”
“And it was my fault,” I say. “I didn’t tell anyone. I was too scared, too weak.”
“It wasn’t your fault. And you aren’t weak. "You’re—” he stops like he’s searching for the words.
“I know. I’m a tough kid,” I finish for him. I stand up and step away from him.
After a minute he stands too. “I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to say that you’re probably the strongest person I know.”
“I’m not.” I shake my head.
He gives me my space. The only sounds are my breathing and a bird twittering in the tree. The sunlight filters through the trees onto my face. Finally, he speaks again. “Your mom said you’re leaving.”
I nod. I wonder when and how long Jacob and my mom talked and what she said about me. “Since I’m not going to jail, I’m heading to school early. I need to get a job and find a car. It’s a five-hour drive, and I need something more reliable. I’m not sure I can stand to stay here, anyway.”
He nods. “I guess I can understand that. I’m leaving too,” he adds so quietly I almost don’t hear him.
I turn around and face him. “What?”
He swallows. “I said, I’m leaving too.”
“Are you being transferred?”
“Kind of.” He grins his half-grin, but there's no humor behind it. “They moved up our deployment date.”
I cover my mouth with my hand. “To Iraq?”
He nods. “I was going to tell you before. There wasn’t a good time to do it.”
“Jacob.”
I cross the distance between us, wrap my arms around his neck, and let him pull me to his chest.
He holds me tight. My insides are all churned up. Everything is crazy. The world is spinning around me, and there’s only one center. There's only one thing left to cling to, and he’s leaving.
His cell phone rings. He lets go of me and fumbles with the phone to get it out of his pocket. He drops it. The phone clatters to the ground and answers.
“Jacob? Sweetheart? Are you there?”
Laini.
He leans over and scoops the phone up to his ear. “Hello?”
“Hey babe!” Her voice is loud, almost like she knows that I’m with him and she wants me to hear her. “Dad said to be at the house by five.”
I look at his face, thunderstruck. My center shattered.
“Just a second,” he says to Laini. He mutes the phone. “Jess—"
“Forget it Jacob. I, I need to go.” I turn around and run. Hard. Back to my car. Before he can say anything.