54. Alone
fifty-four
Alone
I ’m working on my first official paper of my college career, but I can’t concentrate.
The music blasting from the living room isn't helping. I lean forward and my hair falls in my face. I grab a hair clip off the dresser and put my hair into a bun at the top of my head. I’m seriously considering chopping it off short.
Kendra and our roommate Nichole are in the hallway, laughing and talking loudly. They burst into my room without knocking.
“Change your clothes and fix your hair,” Nichole commands. “We’re going to a party.”
“I can’t.” I don’t look up from the computer. “I have too much homework.”
“How much homework can you possibly have?” Kendra leans over my desk, blocking my view of the computer screen. “We’ve only had one week of classes.”
“Plenty, and I don't want to get behind."
“C’mon, Jess,” Nichole says. “It’s a frat party, kind of a get to know you for freshman girls.”
“A frat party where they invited a bunch of freshman girls?” I finally look up. “Wow, that sounds totally innocent and honorable.”
“Actually, what it sounds like is fun.” Nichole is a freshman too, tall with long dark hair. She’s smart, but she likes to party.
“Sorry, girls. I already have a date with eighteenth-century literature and modern-day chemistry.”
Kendra looks at Nichole. “You may not believe this, but there was actually a time when Jess was fun.”
“Wow,” Nichole replies. “What happened?”
“A guy,” Kendra says in a mock-loud whisper.
I give her a look that I hope conveys the complete and utter betrayal I feel. On our first night here, Kendra and I were alone in the apartment. The whole Jacob story kind of spilled out. Well, not the whole story. I still kept my first kiss a secret.
“That’s terrible,” Nichole pretends to be horrified. “But you know what the cure for any guy is? Another guy, or actually, a whole campus full of them. And I know where we can get started.”
“C’mon, Jess,” Kendra tugs on my arm. “I know this is hard for you, but you can’t spend your entire college career in this room. Besides, what would Matthew say if you let me go to a frat party by myself? I know he told you to keep an eye on me.”
I sigh. “And I bet you promised him you’d keep an eye on me too.”
“Yep, he specifically said that I couldn’t let you waste all of your time studying.”
I look from one to the other, thinking about how I’d promised myself a new start here. “Okay, I’ll go.” I reluctantly pull myself away from the computer.
Nichole goes through my closet. “What’s wrong with you, girl?” She reminds me more and more of Jasmine. “You don’t have anything in here that is remotely sexy.”
“She doesn’t ‘do’ sexy,” Kendra replies.
“Hey if you’ve got it, flaunt it,” Nichole says. “And guess what, girl? You’ve got it.” She measures me with her eyes. “I think I might have something in my closet that will fit you. You’re a little shorter than me, a little less chest but—”
“Out,” I point to the door. “I can dress myself.”
After they leave, I stand in front of my closet for a long time.
I don’t remember the last time I went anywhere with the intent of meeting guys.
My entire wardrobe looks tired, simple, and boring.
I’m almost ready to take Nichole up on her offer to borrow something when I see the sleeveless aqua-blue blouse Jasmine made me wear on the date to make Jacob jealous.
I hold it in front of me and look in the mirror.
I’m a college student now, far from home.
Maybe it's time to change things up. I put the blouse on with a pair of comfortable, not too tight jeans, pull my hair up out of my face and put on extra make-up, careful to cover up the scar on my chin as much as possible.
I finish the look with a pair of long sparkly earrings that Jasmine once called ‘fishing lures’.
She said that guys, like fish, like shiny things.
By the time I’m finished, Kendra and Nichole are pounding on my door, threatening to come and dress me if I don’t hurry.
When I walk out Nichole whistles, “Girl, if you don’t find a guy to ease the heartache tonight, all the men on this campus are blind.”
“I guess I’ll take that as a compliment.” I feel like a little girl, young and unsure of myself. I reach in my pocket before I remember the locket is in the corner of the barn, 400-plus miles away.
The frat house is a red-brick building with a white balcony over the front door. A group of guys stand on the balcony with drinks in their hands. “Welcome, freshmen!” they call out. Kendra and Nichole look up and wave.
The air pulses with music as we get closer. I’m already freaking out. I wonder if I can leave now and come back for Kendra and Nichole later. When I hesitate, Nichole pushes me towards the door.
The guy who answers the door is shorter than I am, but he’s cute.
He has dark hair that falls in waves over his ears.
“Hello, ladies. Welcome to Phi Gamma Delta. I will be your host this evening. If there is anything I can do to make your stay more enjoyable, please let me know. He bows low and kisses Nichole’s hand.
“Nice to meet you,” Nichole says. “I’m Nichole, this is Kendra, and this is Jess.”
“The open bar is right this way, ladies.” We follow him into the main room. It’s crowded. The music is so loud that it’s impossible to talk. Nichole and Kendra each pick a drink from the fridge in the back of the room, but I can't make myself take anything, not even water.
I look around, but there isn't anywhere to sit. “Now what do we do?” I yell above the music.
“Mingle, meet guys. Dance. Have Fun!” Nichole says. She’s already heading to the middle of the floor. Kendra pushes me out onto the floor with them.
A guy with dark hair and blue eyes dances next to me. “Eric,” he says.
“Jess,” I reply.
He puts out his hand, and we shake hands in the middle of the floor.
“So, what’s your major?” he yells over the music.
“Nursing—well, right now I’m just doing generals and prerequisites for nursing.” I yell back.
He moves closer; I guess so I can hear him. “So you're taking anatomy?”
“Anatomy, chemistry, a few other classes.”
“Wow,” he grins. “Anatomy and chemistry are two of my favorite subjects.”
I’m not sure if he’s serious or if that’s supposed to be some kind of pickup line. I step backward, and run into the girl behind me.
Eric moves closer, so his body is almost against mine. “So you’re a freshman?”
“Yeah,” I answer. I’m feeling claustrophobic. Every time I move, I run into someone else. “Excuse me.” I say as I trip backwards against another guy.
He reaches to steady me. “No worries.”
I pull away. The room is too crowded. The people are too close. I take a couple of deep breaths. Eric puts his hand on my wrist. “You want to get out of here? We could go somewhere quieter.”
I jerk back. “No!” It sounds loud, even in the noisy room. People turn around and look at me.
Eric steps back, his hands up. “Hey, I just wanted to talk.”
I back away and hit a wall of bodies. I’m freaking out. Waves of nausea hit me. I keep backing up. People are staring, talking about me, a sea of laughing faces.
“Jess,” Kendra pushes through the crowd to grab my hand. She pulls me to the side of the room, kicks somebody out of a chair in the corner, and makes me sit down. “Put your head between your knees,” she orders.
I lean forward and take a couple of deep breaths. My face feels hot. I think I’m going to pass out, or throw up, maybe both.
“This might help.” Eric, the boy from the dance floor, is holding a glass of something fizzy. “It’s club soda.”
“Thanks,” Kendra takes the drink from him. “Drink this,” she says to me.
I shake my head. “I can’t.”
“Is she always this paranoid?” Eric looks at me like I’ve lost it.
“Sorry,” Kendra says. “She’s been through a lot. She needs fresh air. Eric, can you help me get her up?”
Kendra takes one of my arms and Eric tries to take the other, but I pull away—instincts taking over.
“Jess,” Kendra says, “This is my friend Eric. I’ve known him since last year. He’s okay. I promise.”
“No. I can make it outside myself." I stand up and stumble to the door.
I sit on the steps outside, lean my head against the cool concrete post, and fight the nausea that threatens to embarrass me further.
Kendra sits down beside me and pulls my head against her chest. “I’m sorry. I should have known that a party would be too much for you.”
“It’s not your fault.” Now I’m freezing—my whole body is shaking. I keep rubbing my arms. Eric comes out and hands Kendra a jacket. She drapes it over my shoulders.
“Thanks.” I manage through chattering teeth. I look up at Eric. “I’m sorry. I’m just crazy, okay.”
“Thanks, Eric,” Kendra says.
“No problem,” he turns around and heads back to the party.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened. Crowds freak me out. It’s like I can’t trust anybody anymore.”
“It’ll take time, but eventually you’ll learn to trust people again, even guys.” Kendra puts her hand over mine and I realize that I’m rubbing my fingers together, even without the locket. “But first you need to trust yourself.”
I look down at my empty hands and picture the locket lying there.
I think about the year I spent chasing Jacob, getting so close, but never quite closing the distance between us.
A distance that is only going to get bigger.
Insurmountable even. Seven-thousand miles and a war away. He leaves in two days.
I might never see him again.
I lean against the post and close my eyes. “He kissed me.”
“Who kissed you, Eric?” Kendra says.
“Jacob. In the barn. A long time ago.” I'm not sure I mean to say it out loud, but it feels good to have it out there. Like if someone else knows then it really happened.
Kendra looks me in the eye. “How long ago?”
“Years.” I look away from her and across the street. A couple kisses under a streetlamp. I turn away. “Just before they moved to South Carolina.” I take a breath. “I was twelve. He was fifteen.”
Kendra is still watching me. “Was that all that happened?”
I look up at her, startled. “Yeah, just a kiss. But it meant everything to me.”
Kendra puts her hand over mine. “You’re still in love with him.”
I nod.
“You need to tell him.”
I squeeze my eyes closed. “What difference does it make now?”
“It makes a difference to you. And I bet it makes a difference to him. You can’t let him go to Iraq without telling him.”
“What if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if he laughs and says he could never feel the way I do? What if I'm nothing but a little kid, a little sister to him?”
“Then you’ll know and you can move on. But I don’t think he’s that stupid.”
“I can't—”
“You can,” Kendra says firmly. “You can and you will. You’re tougher than you think you are. You'll make it through this.” She puts her arm around my shoulders. "But maybe you aren't meant to go through it alone."