8. Noah
8
NOAH
“Wake up.”
My eyes fly open, my head heavy as it rests on my palm. I sit up straight, turning to look at the blonde-haired girl next to me.
She’s got a small grin on her face, a glint in her eyes as she holds back a laugh. My face warms, and I shake my head, focusing my attention back on whatever we’re meant to be doing in this class.
I couldn’t sleep last night.
I kept thinking about Izzy standing up for me and how she’s shown up for me in ways I could never have expected in the few weeks we’ve known each other.
I know that she’s heard the rumours about me. Ryan made sure of that yesterday. But that hasn’t stopped her from being kind to me.
I feel like I owe her some kind of explanation for why those rumours are circulating. I don’t know how to approach the subject with her though. She doesn’t seem to believe any of it anyway, so bringing it up would make it worse.
But the truth has already come out. It’s been buried under the other wild accusations they’ve been throwing around about me, but I’ll take them if it can cover up what I did for a bit longer.
Class ends, our last of the day, and Izzy jumps down from the high stool, shoving her things into her bag.
“I’m so glad the day is over,” she says, zipping up her backpack and slinging it over her shoulder. “Are you doing anything later?”
She asks me the same question every time we have our last class together, and my answer is always the same.
“Not really,” I tell her, as we exit the classroom and start walking toward the dorms.
“Well, if you get bored, I’ll be at the gym in about an hour,” she says, and my mind blanks as I consider her words.
Does she want me to join her? My heart starts beating faster as if I’m already working out.
“Do you go every day?” I ask her, trying to keep the conversation going. She’s been the one putting in the effort to talk to me so it’s time I return the favour.
“I try to,” she says, letting out a sigh. “But sometimes, my bed just calls to me and I can’t ignore it.”
I turn my head away from her so she can’t see the smile that’s blooming. I find it happening more and more often with her.
We make more small talk until we reach the split for the dorms, both going our separate ways with a wave.
I head back to my room, having already decided to go to the gym. I’m still not sure if it was an invitation, but I can’t think of another reason she would say it if it weren’t.
I busy myself with checking over what homework I have due, trying to pass the time. It works for a bit, but then my mind drifts to her. It’s strange. I’ve never thought about a girl this much before. It makes my stomach feel weird.
I close my books, giving up on any thoughts of studying, and get changed into shorts and a T-shirt, ready for the gym. I haven’t been working out as much as I should, and I know I have to get back to it. Maybe this is the motivation I needed.
I check the time on my phone, and when I see that it’s been an hour since class ended, I leave my room. I make my way slowly to the sports building, not wanting to seem too eager.
When I enter the small gym, Izzy’s already there. She’s walking on one of the treadmills that lines the wall, headphones perched on her ears as she moves her head from side to side. She hasn’t realised I’m here, and I watch her for a few moments, that strange feeling happening in my stomach again.
I rub at my chest, willing my rapidly beating heart to calm down as I step onto the machine next to her, but don’t turn it on. She turns her head once she realises I’m there, her eyes going wide and a smile breaking out on her face. Izzy takes her headphones off, curling them around the back of her neck.
“You came,” she says as she comes to a stop.
“Figured it would be more fun than staying alone in my room,” I admit.
I give her that little bit of openness, hoping it’ll help her realise that I appreciate what she’s been doing for me. She’s given me no reason to be short with her, and even though a voice in my head tells me not to get close, a different part of me wants to.
“Definitely,” she says, green eyes bright. “What are you working today?”
“I should probably do legs,” I tell her, as we both step off the treadmills.
“Me too,” she says, pointing toward the leg press machine. “Do you want to start with that?”
I nod, following after her as she goes to the machine. Together, we load it up with two plates on either side. I settle into the seat, completing the first set easily, and then swap places with Izzy. I stand next to her, spotting her in case the weight might be too much, but she does it without even breaking a sweat.
“One more?” I ask her as she stands up.
“Sure,” she says as she adds another plate to her side of the bar, and I do the same.
I take the seat again, completing another set before she does the same. We go back and forth like this with different exercises for a while, and her strength is impressive. She easily matches my sets, and we have fun motivating each other when we try for heavier weights. It’s the most fun I’ve ever had at the gym.
When we finish up and leave, my face is red, my hair sticking to my forehead. Izzy, meanwhile, still looks so put together. Her blonde hair is tied back into a long ponytail, and there’s barely a lock out of place. The only red on her face sits on her cheeks, making her look like she’s blushing. I don’t know how she still looks so pretty.
“See you tomorrow, Noah,” she says as we reach the split to the dorms.
“Thanks for letting me join you,” I tell her.
I never expected her to extend an invitation like that to me, considering it was outside school hours, but I’m so grateful she did.
“Of course, any time,” Izzy says before turning away and entering her building.
I go back to my room, putting my phone on charge before filling up my water bottle and chugging it. I scroll through my messages for a bit, ignoring the unopened ones from my parents.
I’ve kept my conversations with them short, replying with one-word answers whenever they check in on me. I ran away to Korea to avoid conversations with them, and I’ve run away to Coates to do the same thing. I’m still struggling to speak to them when I feel like I’m to blame for the breakdown of their relationship.
They won’t admit it, but I know it’s true. After what happened at my old school, Appa started being more distant before he eventually moved out. Eomma kept telling us that he just needed space, and he would be back, but it’s months later and he’s still living in the apartment he’s renting.
I put my phone down, stepping into my bathroom to take a shower before I get changed into comfortable clothes. Right as I sit back down at my desk, my phone rings, a picture of Eomma staring up at me.
I want to silence it, ignore her completely, but I haven’t heard her voice since move in day. I know she must be worrying about me, so I set my own anxieties aside and answer it.
“Eomma.”
She smiles at me, small wrinkles in the corner of her eyes and I get hit with a wave of guilt.
“How have you been?” she asks softly. I have to clear my throat to get rid of the lump in it.
Terrible. I miss you. I hate what’s happened. I don’t want to regret what I did, but sometimes I do. I want us to be a family again. People here are starting to talk about me. I thought football would help, but they don’t like me either. I don’t know how I’m supposed to get through this year.
“Good,” I tell her, hoping she believes me. The crease of her brow tells me she doesn’t.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I just got back from the gym so I’m a little tired,” I say.
“Have you eaten?”
“I’m going to dinner in a bit.”
“Good. Make sure you take care of yourself.”
“I am,” I tell her. If taking care of myself means skipping lunch every day so I can hide away from everyone and avoid interactions with them as much as I can, then I’m doing a great job at it.
“And your sister? Is she settling in okay?” she asks, moving the phone closer to her face, concern clear in her eyes.
And that’s the exact reason why I can’t tell her how I’m truly feeling. Mina is top priority for all of us after what happened. As long as she’s happy here, I can suck it up for a year.
“She’s doing great,” I say, a smile appearing on both of our faces. “She’s already got so many new friends.”
“Good,” she says, nodding slowly, almost as if she’s reassuring herself.
We’re silent for a moment and an uneasy feeling creeps up my spine, like I can tell she’s going to bring up something I don’t want to talk about. I interrupt her before she gets a chance.
“Are you coming to the talk next week?” I ask her, referring to the evening that all the parents have been invited to discuss university options. I already know which ones I’m applying to, and there’s never been a question of what I’d study, either. But maybe it’s a chance for my parents to be in the same room and actually talk to each other again.
“I’ll be there,” she reassures me. “Your Appa will, too.”
“He told you?” I try not to let the surprise show on my face. I know they must communicate with each other in some form, but knowing they’ve been talking while Mina and I aren’t at home gives me some hope.
“We both got the email. He told me you haven’t been speaking to him either,” she says, calling out the way I’ve been ignoring both of them.
“I don’t know what to say to him,” I confess. The only question I have for him is why he left us, but I know I won’t be able to handle whatever the answer is.
“Just let him know you’re okay,” she asks of me, and I nod, all words leaving me.
A knock at the door saves me before I can let the guilt of disappointing both of them drown me.
“Someone’s here. I’ll talk to you later, Eomma.”
“I love you.” She presses a kiss to her fingers before waving them at me. It’s something she did when I was younger. I cried a lot when I first started attending school because I didn’t want to leave her and she would always blow me a kiss through the window. My chest constricts, and I hope she can’t see my chin tremble.
“You, too,” I tell her, the words coming out choked.
I hang up, throwing my phone back onto my desk. I take a few calming breaths, not wanting to cry in front of whoever’s at my door. I shake my head, tell myself to get it together as I go to my door and open it. Mina stands there, bouncing on her toes.
“Eomma said I had to make sure you ate dinner. Let’s go.”
“When did she even—?” I turn around to glance at my phone on my desk before looking back at Mina. “I was just talking to her.”
“She called me first because I’m her favourite.” She grabs hold of my arm. “Come on, I’m starving.”
I’m out the door before I have a chance to protest. Mina holds on tight to my arm as if I’d run away from her, and I can feel my circulation being cut off.
On the walk to the dining hall, Mina fills me in on all the gossip that seems vitally important to her and the other twelve-year-olds she shares a class with. I ask all the right questions to keep her talking, content to just let her speak. I haven’t seen her this happy in a long time.
Mina doesn’t seem to notice the glares shot my way, and I’m glad. I can see her enjoying the rest of her school years here, and I don’t want to ruin that for her. My biggest hope is that she’s too young to avoid hearing what the people in my year are saying. But I know this school is small, and word can spread quickly. I want to protect her from my problems for as long as I can.
When we make it to dinner, the room is pretty packed. I’m scouting for a table Mina and I can sit at when she scares me by squealing.
“What happened?” I look down at her and then around her to figure out why she made that noise.
“My friends are there!” She raises her hand in the air, standing on her tiptoes as she waves her arms. “Bye!”
She hurries away before I can say anything. I tilt my head back, closing my eyes as the sound of hundreds of students chatting overwhelms me. I could leave now, go back to my room, and hide away again.
But then I see her.
Izzy’s sat at a table with the two girls I always see her with and a boy on the football team. Her hands flail around as she explains something enthusiastically to them. She’s out of her gym clothes, changing them for a simple white T-shirt and jeans. I’ve thought she was pretty from the first day, but her personality just makes her even prettier. Now that we’ve been talking more, seeing her brightens my day.
Her head shifts in my direction, and she catches me staring at her like a creep. I turn around quickly, as if that’ll somehow make me invisible. The nearest exit is just a few feet away from me, but as I start walking toward it, I hear my name being called.
“Noah!”
I turn around and Izzy is a few steps away from me, gradually getting closer until she’s in front of me.
“Do you want to sit with us?” she asks, pointing behind her.
I look past her to see her friends staring at us. They all lift their hands, waggling their fingers at me, and my face heats up. I turn back to Izzy and she’s got that warm smile on her face that I’m getting dangerously used to seeing.
“If you have space…” I trail off, not wanting my eagerness to get the better of me again.
“Of course we do.”
She rests her hand on my upper arm, gently guiding me as we walk toward their table. I try to ignore the weight of it, how I can feel her fingers pressing in and leaving their marks. My face heats more and if anyone mentions how red it is, I’ll blame it on how warm it is in here.
We’re almost at the table when she changes the direction we’re going in. I glance down at her right at the same time she looks up at me.
“You need to get some food, right?”
Right. The whole reason I came here. I forgot all about it once I saw her.
“Oh, yeah. You can go sit down if you want,” I tell her. I don’t want to take her away from her friends.
“It’s okay. I wanted to get more fries for us anyway.”
It only takes a few minutes for us to join the line and get food. Izzy ends up getting fries, pizza, and cake for herself and her friends, so I take her tray from her and carry both of ours to the table.
I’m greeted with a chorus of hi’s and hello’s from her friends. I force the best smile I can on so they don’t think I’m rude.
“Hi,” I say, taking the seat next to Izzy.
She gets back to whatever story she was telling, and the three of them listen raptly. I’m struggling to hear her though, over the rush of blood pounding in my ears. It’s the same feeling I got on the first day I sat with them, the sense that I’m intruding and don’t belong here.
I’m suddenly all too conscious of my body again. I keep my arms tucked close to my side so I don’t knock into her. My legs are angled away from her to avoid contact too because I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. I pick at my food, keeping my head low so that they can pretend I’m not here.
“So, Noah.” My head whips up at the sound of my name. Amelia sits on the opposite corner of the table, which means when I look at her, I can see all four of them staring at me. “How are you finding Coates?”
I put my fork down, my hands dropping to rub up and down my thighs.
“It’s nicer than my old school,” I tell them and regret it instantly. I’ve opened the door for more questions by saying that.
“Where did you go again?” Chloe asks from the other side of Izzy.
I don’t want to tell them. If I do, it’ll be all too easy for them to find out the reason why I had to leave. I keep my hands on my thighs, balling them into fists as I dig my nails into my palms.
“Uh…”
“Are you going to finish that?” Izzy interrupts, pointing at the half-eaten pizza slice on my plate.
“No,” I say, my hands relaxing at the sudden change in subject.
“Can I have it?”
I fix my gaze on her, and it feels like everyone else disappears. She gives me a small smile, mouthing the words ‘it’s okay’ . I can only stare at her, completely taken aback. How did she realise so quickly that I was getting anxious? I thought I was hiding it well enough, but she saw right through me.
“Yeah, sure.” I nudge my plate closer to hers and her smile widens. She takes a bite before starting up another conversation about something completely different. Her friends join in straight away, forgetting they even asked me anything in the first place.
She steals a glance at me while the others talk, and the corners of my lips turn up too easily.