13. Izzy
13
IZZY
When Violet told me about this classroom, it was so I could have somewhere to escape to during the day if I ever needed it. This feels like a pretty good reason to use it.
I pace the floor, my footsteps disturbing the dust settled over summer break. Noah didn’t seem shocked when I told him what’s being said about the two of us, but I think he’s just gotten used to people talking about him. It makes me hate the situation even more.
I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be for him to constantly have people making up lies about him. I’ve made it worse by inadvertently involving him in my drama with Ryan. I need to figure out how to put this rumour—and hopefully every other one about him—to rest. It’s our last year of school, and it would be nice to finish it without people talking behind our backs.
“Izzy?”
I freeze. Noah peeks his head through the crack in the slightly open door, glancing around the room before his eyes land on me. He opens it fully then, stepping in and closing it behind him before approaching me.
“Thanks for coming,” I say.
Noah doesn’t say anything else, and we both stand awkwardly looking at each other. Something I’ve come to notice about Noah is that he always keeps his head down except for when he speaks to me. When we talk, he keeps his gaze trained on me, as if he’s trying to read my mind through all the little expressions on my face.
I don’t want him to worry about another rumour, but I don’t have a solution to remedy it either. I thought I’d buy myself some time by asking him to meet me at lunch. I spent all morning racking my brain, trying to figure out how to get everyone to stop spreading it. But I couldn’t think of a single thing.
Now, Noah’s in front of me, his lips pressed into a thin line and his hazel eyes focused on me. I don’t have anything to say to him that can help. I’m worried that whatever I do, I’ll make it worse for him.
“Shall we sit down?” he says, breaking the silence as he gestures toward the desks.
“I don’t think anything in here has been cleaned in months,” I tell him and his breathy laugh catches me by surprise. It helps to cut through the tension, and the air in the room feels easier to breathe than it did when I first got here.
I consider my next words, trying to figure out the best way to start this conversation. Instead, I end up saying how I really feel.
“I just don’t want people to keep saying stuff about you.”
The corners of his mouth perk up for a second before they drop again, the ghost of a smile on his face.
“I’m fine, really,” he says, nodding. “I figured out how to ignore them all pretty quickly.”
“It shouldn’t even be something you have to ignore.” For some reason, it seems I’m more frustrated about this than Noah is. “I don’t know how exactly, but I’ll get them all to stop talking. I can get the girls to shut down any conversations they overhear about us. Something else will probably pop up soon, and we’ll be old news.”
Hazel eyes fix on mine as he tilts his head to the side and I mirror him, worrying my bottom lip between my teeth.
“Honestly, Izzy, I’m more concerned about you,” he says, surprising me. “Ryan’s already been borderline harassing you, and this might make it worse.”
“Or maybe he’ll realise I don’t want anything to do with him ever again.”
My eyes widen, an idea popping into my head and the different endings playing out in my mind. It might be too much, and maybe Noah will run away and never want to speak to me again. I let myself say it before I can overthink it.
“Maybe we should date.”
Noah’s jaw drops open, his eyes wide as I scramble to give more context.
“Not really date,” I say, waving my hands in front of him. “I mean, we can pretend we are and maybe that’ll finally get him off my back.”
He considers me for a moment, and surprisingly, it seems like he’s actually giving it some thought. Noah runs his hands through his hair, shaking his head lightly so it sits back perfectly again. I keep going.
“It might help you, too. People might stop talking about you as much if they know I like you.” He must think I have the biggest ego in the world. I start blabbering, not making eye contact with him as my hands flail around, the idea seeming worse and worse the more I stumble over my words. “Not that I’m anything special, I’m not saying that. I just think?—“
“You are,” he cuts me off.
I blink a few times, my face warming and my stomach swooping, and I have to force myself not to think too much about what he meant by that. I shake myself out of it, holding up both hands in front of him as I stare down at our feet.
“Actually, forget I said anything at all. I’m gonna go now.”
I give him a double thumbs up, then quickly retract them, and silently wonder how many times I can keep embarrassing myself in front of him. He makes me so nervous that I keep doing weird things.
I move to walk past him, letting out a long exhale. I have to stop myself from breaking out into a run in case I embarrass myself any further. I’m halfway to the door when he finally speaks.
“It’s not a bad idea.”
I stop. I keep my stare focused straight ahead on my escape route, not daring to face him. The floorboard creaks, and the sound of footsteps gradually slows until Noah stands in front of me. He doesn’t give me a choice to look anywhere but at him.
“It could work.” He keeps his voice low, his tone gentle, and it reminds me of how I used to speak to him at the start when I was scared of spooking him. “If you think it’ll help you, then we can do it.”
My eyes flit across his face, searching for any sign that he might be saying it just to make me feel better, but there’s nothing of the sort. He’s completely sincere. He’d really do this for me.
But I don’t want to be the only one who benefits from this. I need to know that he’ll get something out of it, too.
“Do you think it’ll make people stop talking about you?”
He shrugs, his mouth tipping downward.
“It might. I’ve got nothing to lose,” he says, and it seems like he really means it.
I look over his face again, my mouth drying as I take him in. I thought he was cute from the first day I saw him, but everything he’s done for me since then has amplified it.
I think through the idea again, questioning if it’s the right thing to do. If I pretend to date him, pretend that he’s my boyfriend, will I be able to separate whatever feelings I have for him? I don’t know exactly what they are, and we haven’t been friends for long, but something keeps drawing me closer to him.
My phone pings, and we both startle. I look away from him, my heart beating fast as I take my phone out of my pocket.
“Give me your number.” I unlock my phone and hold it out to him, ignoring whatever message just came through. “We can both have some time to think about it and talk later?”
He takes it from me, enters his number, and saves it before he hands it back to me. I swipe through my notifications, seeing that it was a message from the girls asking where I am.
“I have to go, but I’ll text you,” I tell him, clutching the phone to my chest.
I don’t want to leave him after just asking him to do something so ridiculous. But I know Amelia and Chloe well enough to know they will keep blowing up my phone if they don’t see me.
Noah steps to the side, clearing the path to the door for me. I give him a half-hearted smile that I can barely hold for a few seconds before I walk past him to the door. As I reach it, he says one final thing to me.
“It’ll be okay, Izzy. We’ll figure it out.”
For some reason, I believe him.
* * *
When I get to the dining hall, the girls are already at our table, and I hurry over to them. I take the seat next to Amelia, pinching a chicken nugget from her plate.
“Where have you been, young lady?” Chloe asks, resting her chin on crossed fingers.
“I just had to run back to my room to get something,” I lie. I can’t tell them about my harebrained plan with Noah when he hasn’t even agreed to it yet. I change the subject, hoping they won’t ask any more questions. “What were you guys talking about?”
“University applications,” Amelia groans, throwing her head back and letting her arms flop at her sides like she’s died. I prop her back up again, patting her back.
“When’s the deadline again?” I ask, feigning interest.
I haven’t told the girls that I’m not going to university. Any time it comes up in conversation, I let the two of them discuss it and make excuses. I tell them I’m still undecided about what I want to study, and which universities I want to apply to. But maybe if I do tell them, it’ll help me come to terms with the decision I’m making.
“Late January? I can’t remember exactly. I want to get it all done before Christmas anyway,” Chloe says.
I nod, the food in my mouth feeling impossible to chew as I swallow it down. I take the carton of apple juice they got for me before I arrived, attempting to pop the straw through the top, but it doesn’t work. I try again and again, my frustration with myself building as I listen to them making plans for the future. They both want to attend the same university and have already decided on their degrees. And the most terrifying thought hits me.
Will I be part of that future?
I’ve never even considered a life without either of them. But if they both move to the same city without me, it’s only natural that we’ll grow distant as they grow closer. I know they’d try to keep up the friendship, but we’ve been so close for so long, I don’t know what separation will do for us— for me .
Liquid covers my hand, and I look down to see apple juice everywhere, the carton crushed in my clenched fingers.
“Woah,” Amelia says, shuffling her chair away from mine. She grabs a napkin and starts wiping the table down, while Chloe pries my fingers open and takes the carton from me before dabbing at my hand. “You okay?”
“I’m not going to university,” I confess, saying the words out loud for the first time.
They both stop cleaning the table, staring at me as they freeze. Amelia drops the soaked napkin she’s holding, and Chloe stops patting my hand.
I look away from both of them, not wanting to see the moment their shock turns into disappointment.
“I’m sorry, I should have told you guys earlier, but I was so scared of what you’d say, and you keep making plans, and now I’m worried I won’t be in those plans, and I-”
“Izzy, breathe,” Amelia says.
I’m panting, my chest heaving as my insecurities flood out of me. My fingers have curled into my palm again, fingernails digging in and giving me something else to focus on other than my two best friends.
I keep my eyes locked on the table, napkins covering it, apart from one spot that still has a puddle of juice. I reach out, swiping at it with one of the already-damp napkins, but it won’t go away.
I keep wiping and wiping, my movements becoming as frantic as my breathing.
Warm hands cover mine, stopping me.
“Izzy, look at us,” Chloe says.
I bite the inside of my cheeks, closing my eyes so I don’t have to, but they don’t give me a choice. Amelia’s arm comes around my shoulder, and she tucks me into her side as Chloe lowers her head so she can catch my gaze.
“What’s going on?” Chloe asks softly.
“I’m not going to university,” I repeat, the words feeling heavy on my tongue.
“That’s fine,” Amelia says, and I see Chloe nod, a small smile on her face. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
“But you guys keep talking about it, and I know you’re going to the same one and I won’t be there, and I hate that,” I blurt out.
“Do you…” Chloe’s eyebrows crease together. “Do you think we’re only friends because we go to the same school?”
I shrug because what other reason is there?
“Izzy, we’re friends with you because we love you,” Amelia says, and I close my eyes. “Sure, we met here, and it definitely helps that we see each other all the time. But how many other kids are we here with? I like the people in our class, but I’d choose you over them a million times over.”
“Me too,” Chloe adds, her hand squeezing mine. “I’m sorry if we’ve upset you by talking about all this stuff. You kept saying you were still thinking about it, so we thought maybe we could convince you to come with us. But you don’t have to, if you don’t want to. We’ll be your friends no matter where we are.”
I finally look up at them, and they’re both looking at me with so much care and love in their eyes. How could I ever think they’d exclude me?
“I love you guys,” I tell them, my voice shaky.
“We love you, too,” they reassure me. Amelia puts both of her arms around me, and Chloe leans over the table to join the hug. My heart grows ten times bigger to make more room for them.
“We’ll stop talking about it if you want us to,” Amelia says into my hair.
“No, you shouldn’t have to.” My voice is muffled from where it’s pressed into Amelia’s shoulder. “I love that you guys are still going to be together.”
“No matter what you decide to do, we’ll always be here for you,” Chloe says, dispelling all my fears with just a few simple words.
“Ladies, am I interrupting?”
We all let go of each other, looking to the side of the table to see Josh standing there, his hands raised in front of him, like he’s scared of what he’s walked into.
“We were having a lovely moment, Josh, but now you’ve ruined it,” Amelia remarks. He looks worried for half a second before he realises she’s just kidding.
He takes the seat next to Chloe, stealing a fry from her plate. I get myself together as the three start talking, Amelia and Chloe shifting the topic of conversation away from university and on to a movie they want to see instead.
I listen to my friends talk, my heart settling with the confidence and reassurance that I have them with me for life.