14. Noah
14
NOAH
I don’t want to admit that I spent most of my evening after classes ended staring at my phone, waiting for a text.
But that’s exactly what I did.
Izzy’s suggestion surprised me at first, but after thinking about it for a few hours, I can see the benefits of pretending to date. The main one being that hopefully Ryan will leave her alone and she can enjoy the rest of the year without having to worry about him ruining it. Of course, I don’t know anything about their past relationship, but it can’t have been that great considering how much she dislikes him now.
Then, there’s the fact that this could potentially help me, too. But I didn’t like what she said about herself when she mentioned that. I don’t know why she thinks she isn’t special. She was the first person to talk to me and has treated me with nothing but kindness. Izzy lights up every room she enters, and she’s constantly making the people around her laugh—even me. Being tied up with her might make people realise I’m not that bad, despite what they might have heard.
The notification sound from my phone has me nearly jumping out of my seat. I move the papers on my desk around to try and find where I hid it underneath them all. It was a tactic to make sure I didn’t keep checking it every ten seconds for a message from her, but now it’s actually lost under stacks of homework. I finally manage to find it under a textbook, and I have to take a breath to calm myself before I check it.
Unknown
I’m just finishing at the gym
Are you free?
I save her number before replying.
Noah
I’m free
Shall I meet you there?
Izzy
Sure, give me 10 to get ready
I lock my phone, throwing it back on my desk before going to my bathroom. My hair hangs messily over my forehead, so I run my fingers through it, trying to make it a little neater. I don’t think too much about why I suddenly care so much about my appearance. I step out, pulling on my favourite grey hoodie before I grab my phone and leave.
Checking the time, I see it’s only been eight minutes since Izzy texted me, so I slow my pace as I get closer to the gym. There’s a couple of students lingering around the field, but most people are either inside by now or heading that way.
When I near the building, I spot Izzy leaning against the wall wearing just leggings and an oversized T-shirt. The sun has already set, the evening starting to get cooler, and I hope she’s got a jacket hidden somewhere.
Her attention is focused on her phone, so she hasn’t noticed I’m here yet. I take the chance to look at her expression, hoping I can figure out what kind of mood she’s in so that I can work out how to make this conversation easier for both of us.
She doesn’t look as worried as she did earlier, but there’s still something about the furrow in her brow that makes me think she’s not looking forward to whatever we’re about to talk about. My heart sinks a little. I don’t want her to feel like she has to do something like this, if she’s not okay with it. I want to crack a joke, try to make her laugh like she does so easily with me these days, but my mind is blank.
“Hi.”
Great start, Noah. Well done.
She looks up, her expression relaxing and a warm smile lighting up her face when she sees me.
“Hey. Thanks for coming out so late.”
It’s only just past eight thirty, but I know what she means. Most people are usually in their rooms by now or relaxing in the common rooms.
“Shall we go for a walk?” she asks, gesturing to the fields behind the sports building.
“Yeah, sure.” I’m happy to go along with whatever she wants.
Izzy starts walking, and I follow after her, both of us not saying a word until we’ve made our way down the steps. We bypass the hockey field, going for the football one instead.
“If we’re going to do this, I think we need to set some rules,” she says, breaking the silence and getting straight to the point.
“That sounds smart,” I agree as I slow my steps. My legs are longer than hers so I’m getting ahead of her.
“First rule,” she lifts her hand and raises her index finger, “we have to act like we like each other.”
“I do like you,” I say before I can stop myself. Our heads turn at the exact same time, and I can see the moment her eyes get bigger. “I mean, not in that way. But I don’t think I’ll have to act for that.”
“Me either,” she adds, her eyes searching mine for just a second before she looks ahead again. “Okay, second rule. As soon as one of us starts feeling uncomfortable, we have to end it.”
“Of course. I don’t want you to ever feel like that,” I reassure her. “What if I just follow your lead?”
“What do you mean?”
“I won’t do anything unless you initiate it first.”
It’s the least creepy way to phrase what I’m trying to say. What I really mean is I won’t touch her, or go near her, or do anything at all to her, unless she does it to me first.
“But what if I make you uncomfortable?” she asks, and I’m genuinely confused for a moment. It never even crossed my mind that could ever happen. I glance at her for a second, the dawning realisation that she might actually care about me setting in.
“I don’t think you will,” I tell her.
I’ve only known her for a few weeks, but I have confidence that Izzy would never make me feel like that. I think back on all our interactions so far, especially the first. She approached me like I was a stray animal, coaxing me with sweet words until I finally gave in.
I look ahead again, my mind starting to wander. There’s something else we need to talk about—a much more awkward topic—but if there’s a time for it, it’s now. It’s something I tried not to think too much about earlier, my face warming every time it popped into my mind.
“For the… I mean…physically…” I trail off as soon as I feel her gaze on me. I swallow, my throat feeling dry, and I pull at the collar of my hoodie that suddenly feels too tight even though it’s a size bigger than I usually wear.
“Yeah, about that. I guess we should probably hold hands when we’re together, if that’s okay with you?”
I don’t think she realises that she’s locked her fingers together in front of her while she said that, but I noticed. I put my hands in my pockets to stop myself from doing the same thing.
“I’m fine with that.”
More than fine.
“For other stuff…” She keeps fiddling with her fingers, this topic getting more and more awkward by the second.
“Other stuff?” I tease, turning my head to the side to look at her.
The pink on her cheeks doesn’t seem like it’s just from the cold. I realise then that she’s still just wearing a T-shirt, no jacket in sight. I pull my hoodie over my head, holding it out to her.
“It’s getting cold. You should wear this.”
“Oh.” She hesitates for a second, before I see her shiver, and then she takes it from me. Her fingers run over it, and I don’t know why it feels like she’s doing that to me. “Thanks, you’re already getting into this whole boyfriend thing.”
Izzy tugs it over her head, and it’s baggy on me, so she’s practically drowning in it. I make a mental note to buy some more fitted ones.
“Back to the other stuff,” I say as we start another lap of the field.
“Right. I was thinking if you don’t want to, we don’t have to do any of the other stuff…like kissing or whatever.”
Her voice gets quieter on the last words, and it’s such a contrast to the loud and confident Izzy I’ve gotten used to.
I look down at my scuffed trainers, thinking about what I haven’t told her yet. But, since she brought it up, I guess it’s the perfect time to.
“I’ve never kissed anyone before,” I confess.
She stops walking, but I’m already a step ahead so I turn to face her.
“Ever?” she asks, looking up at me in surprise. I’m not sure if I should be offended or not.
I know most people have already had their first kiss by now, but it’s never been anything that interested me that much. I’ve always been too focused on school to think about a relationship.
“It’s not a big deal to me,” I shrug, “I don’t think I’ve ever liked anyone enough before to do it.”
I’ve never had a real crush on anyone. Any interest I’ve had in girls has always been fleeting. There’s never been anything substantial enough for me to pursue a relationship. Half the time, I think I was just going along with what my friends said, forcing myself to think I liked someone because it felt like that was what I was supposed to do.
“That’s nice,” she says quietly, almost to herself. It’s not the reaction I expected at all.
“You probably think I’m weird.” I give her the opening to joke about it. It’s what anyone else would do.
“No, never.” She lifts her hand to my bare arm, her fingers tightening for a second around my bicep before she lets go. My throat goes dry again, and a strange feeling settles in my stomach. It feels like her fingerprints have etched themselves there forever. “I really do think it’s nice.”
I can’t help but smile at that, and she does the same. Hers is much wider than mine though, brighter. I don’t know if it’s even possible for her to give anything less than that.
“Okay, so we don’t have to kiss at all. I think if we hold hands whenever we’re together, it’ll be convincing enough. And if anyone does ask, I’ll say I don’t like PDA.”
It might seem like something small to her, but her offer at the end gives me another reason to trust her.
We start walking again, the glow of the moon the only light shining down on us. I know we should start heading back to the dorms, but it’s nice being out here with her under the stars. It’s like no one else exists in this moment apart from us.
She lays out more rules, clearly putting more thought into this than I have. Izzy reassures me that she won’t cross any of my boundaries, and I do the same for her.
“We should set an end date, too. So that we both know when we can walk away from this.”
All I can do is nod, the strange feeling of missing something before it’s even gone washing over me for a split second.
“Maybe right before exams?” I suggest. “We can say it was an amicable breakup, and we both needed to focus on studying.”
“That sounds good to me,” she says. “I think that’s covered pretty much everything I could think of.”
We’ve finished another lap and without saying a word about it, we both start walking toward the steps. Just before we start climbing up them, Izzy holds on to the railing, tilting her head back to the sky. I copy her, wondering what she’s looking at.
“I love seeing the stars here,” she offers, her voice quiet again. “I live just outside of London, so there’s too much light pollution to see anything.”
I store that information away in my mind. I’m enjoying getting to know these small details about her life away from school.
“It’s pretty,” I say. I’ve never paid much attention to the stars before, but looking at them like this with Izzy by my side, I’m starting to see the appeal.
The sky stretches endlessly above us, dots of white scattered all around. It only adds to my earlier feeling that we were the only two people in the world.
Izzy points her finger above her head and I follow the end of it.
“Do you see that group of stars right there?”
There’s a cluster of brighter dots amongst the others, and I assume that’s what she’s talking about.
“That’s the big dipper,” she continues, moving her finger to trace some sort of shape. “It’s part of Ursa Major but I can’t really see it right now.”
It all looks like a blob of dots to me but I nod anyway, humming to myself. I’ll pretend I’m seeing whatever she wants me to. She drops her hand, looking back down at the ground and starts to walk up the steps. I follow behind her.
“When I was younger,” she starts softly. “I really used to believe in that whole written in the stars thing. Well, I still do, I think. My brother and his girlfriend made me believe in it again.”
“How so?”
She stays a step ahead of me. Any time I catch up to her, she speeds up her pace so I hold back. It’s clear this is something she wants to talk about while she doesn’t have to look at me.
“They were born on the same day, Isaac at sunrise and Violet at sunset. He always tells her that they were fated. It’s sickeningly sweet.”
She lets out a laugh at that, but it’s half-hearted and sounds slightly defeated.
“That must be really nice for them.”
“Yeah.” She keeps walking ahead of me, and I keep watching the way her tied-up blonde hair sways with each step. “I thought it would happen for me too, but here we are.”
I don’t know what to say, so I stay silent. It’s better than tripping over my words and offering empty words of comfort. But hearing her speak like that makes my heart feel heavy, like a weight settling on my chest.
We pass the rest of the walk back to the dorms in silence, and I gradually catch up to her so we’re walking side by side again. When we reach the split, Izzy starts to take her arms out of my hoodie, but I stop her.
“You can just give it to me tomorrow.”
“Oh, okay. Thanks.” She smiles again, and this one does something strange to my stomach.
“See you tomorrow,” I tell her as she starts to walk backward toward her building.
“Goodnight, Noah.” She spins on her heel, and I stay rooted where I’m standing, watching until she makes it safely inside.