18. Noah
18
NOAH
Being in a fake relationship with Izzy has been more fun than I thought it would be.
I’ve been showing up to her practices every week, and her friends seem to like me enough that they let me sit with them at lunch every day.
Amelia and Chloe sit opposite us, and I pick at my food while the three of them happily chat about something I don’t pay attention to. Their conversations range from what books they’re reading to what new makeup they’re trying out to their weekend plans. It feels like I’m getting whiplash every time I try to follow along.
It hasn’t escaped my notice that I’m the only boy who sits with them. Chloe and Josh are in a relationship too, but he sits with his friends and only comes over when they’ve all finished eating. Izzy insisted I sit with her once she realised I used to hide away every lunchtime.
Josh and I have started somewhat of a friendship, too. He talks to me at every practice, and I don’t have to worry anymore about not having a partner to run drills with. I think Luke has caught on, as well. He’s started putting us on the same team when we play matches, which means I’ve actually been able to play more. Josh always talks to me if we’re waiting for the girls to finish whatever conversation they’re having, and it’s nice to feel like I’m really part of their group.
It feels like things are finally looking up, and I’m really starting to enjoy being at Coates. But there’s still a tiny voice in the back of my mind that tells me it’s all going to come crashing down soon.
“Are you coming later?” Chloe asks, drawing me out of my thoughts.
“Yeah, of course,” I say, sitting up straighter and pasting a polite smile on my face. “Haven’t missed one yet.”
Izzy squeezes my hand under the table, an indicator that I gave the right answer. And while that might be one of the reasons I said it, the main one is that I don’t want to miss any. Izzy telling me that she wants to quit still plays in my mind. I figure if I can offer even a little bit of support by showing up for her, then it’s better than doing nothing.
I turn my head, my smile transforming from the polite one I give everyone else to the soft one that’s only for her. It’s become easier to smile when I’m around her. It doesn’t take as much effort as it used to, the muscles in my face automatically moving. It feels like a natural response to looking at her, to being in her presence, so I don’t even have to think about it anymore.
“I’m going to vote him off the table if you keep acting like that,” Amelia says, waving her hand at us, which makes Izzy scowl.
“This isn’t a democracy,” Izzy tells her, and I have to stifle a laugh. “We’re leaving now, anyway.”
I take her cue to gather up our trays, stacking hers on top of mine so I can carry both of them without letting go of her hand. I like this part of it, too—having her hand in mine. I never thought I was someone who would like being touched so much, but holding hands with Izzy feels good. And I think she likes it too. More often than not, she’ll take my hand first. I always give it to her easily.
We stand up, dumping the trays on the way out of the dining hall. The weather’s much colder now that we’re getting into the end of October. I feel Izzy shiver next to me, so I move closer to her, hoping that my body heat will transfer to her. I tuck our joined hands into the pocket of my blazer.
“You know you don’t actually have to come to every practice. I’ll understand if you have more important things you want to do, mister future doctor.”
I shake my head, trying to hide my smile at hearing her call me that. A few days ago, she asked why I chose my A Level options, and I told her about my dream of becoming a doctor. She confessed that she didn’t want to go to university. Since then, I’ve been racking my brain, attempting to figure out how I can help her with the decisions she’ll have to make soon for her future.
“I’m pretty sure the mister part drops when I become a doctor,” I joke, and she elbows my side, glaring cutely at me as she tries to stop the laugh that wants to burst out of her.
I don’t think I’m funny, but Izzy always humours me when I try. I’ve started keeping a mental tally of how many times I can make her laugh each day. My record stands at fifteen times, and I worry I won’t ever be able to top that.
“Besides, I like watching you,” I tell her and instantly realise how weird it sounds. “Not like that, I mean, when you play hockey. I like watching you play hockey. I’m not just randomly watching you, of course, that would be weird, but I watch you when you play hockey-”
Izzy breaks out into a full-on laugh, stopping in her tracks with her head tipped back to face the sky, golden hair cascading down her back. The sun shines down on us, and the light hits her in a way that makes it look like she’s glowing. She looks ethereal. I’ve tried not to notice how pretty Izzy is, but it’s impossible in moments like this.
My heart stutters in my chest as I remember what this is meant to be.
I want to laugh along with her, pretend that she’s laughing so hard because she likes me.
For a second, I let myself believe that it is real. I let myself believe that everything with her feels natural because she’s starting to feel the same way about me that I do about her. That she feels this tug between us that constantly draws me to her—has done since the very first day I saw her. But every time I allow myself to do that, the crash back down to reality hurts so much worse.
A ball bounces in front of us, a younger student running to grab it with a quick apology, and the illusion of this being anything real is gone. There’s tons of people around us, everyone enjoying their lunch break before classes start up again. It’s the perfect time to put on the show we’re meant to be performing for everyone. And that’s exactly what she’s doing when she laughs like that.
I rub at my chest, my smile faltering before I force it back onto my face so Izzy won’t worry. I don’t want her to see the way it feels like there’s a vice around my heart that only gets released when she’s around.
“I’m gonna head back to my room for a second. I’ll see you later?” she says, still smiling brightly, and still breaking my heart.
“Yeah, I’ll be there.”
She lets go of my hand, taking hers out of my pocket. I keep mine in there so she won’t see the way it clenches into a fist, my nails digging into my palm to stop me from reaching for her again.
I stand frozen as Izzy walks toward her building. She doesn’t look back at me. She has no reason to.
* * *
When I get back to my room, I slump face-first onto my bed. I need to remember that it’s all fake, that even if I do have a crush on Izzy, it can’t go anywhere. We’re both leaving in a few months, and we’ll never see each other again. Whatever feelings I have for her are irrelevant. She trusted me enough to suggest this plan in the first place, and I can’t break that trust when it’s not something she actually wants.
I roll onto my back and sit up, pushing away any thoughts of Izzy as I check my phone. There’s a few texts that I’ve been ignoring all day because I don’t like being on my phone when I’m with her. Ravi’s name is at the top of the list, followed by Eomma and Appa. I decide to answer him first because that’s an easier conversation than whatever the other two will say
Ravi
Are you coming back for half term?
Noah
I think so
Ravi
Great, you still owe me a game
Noah
I think you enjoy losing to me
Ravi
I said it before
Fighting words Park
Before I can reply to him there’s a pounding on my door that has me jumping out of my skin. I push to my feet, hurrying to open the door for whatever emergency is happening.
“Oppa, you have a girlfriend?!”
I slam the door in Mina’s face.
The knocking starts again as I pace back and forth in my room. I don’t know why it never crossed my mind that Mina would end up finding out. I grab my phone from where I dropped it on my bed and open up my messages.
Eomma
You have a girlfriend?
What does she look like?
Does she like Korean food?
Appa
Adeul, call me
Of course, Mina’s told them. I groan in frustration, trying to figure out how I can approach all three of them with this without giving too much away.
I can’t tell them it’s fake because Mina doesn’t know how to keep a secret to save her life. But if I tell them it’s real, then what if they want to meet her? I can’t drag Izzy into anything like that when this arrangement was meant to be simple.
The knocking starts again, and this time, when I open the door, Mina shoves her phone into my face. Both of my parents stare back at me. Eomma is smiling, but Appa’s face is stern. It takes me back to a few months ago when I had to leave school. I focus on Eomma’s face instead.
“Mina tells us you have a girlfriend,” Eomma starts. I glare at Mina—who is much happier about this than she should be—before looking back at my parents.
“I…” When I see the hopeful glint in my mum’s eyes, I can’t tell her the truth. “It’s true.”
Eomma claps her hands together, a smile lighting up her face.
“Finally! This is great! Why didn’t you tell us sooner?”
“It’s new,” I say. “We’ve only been going out for a few weeks.”
“The whole school knows,” Mina says, directing the phone back at herself. I slide my finger across my throat in a silent threat to her, but she just rolls her eyes. I listen as she recounts everything she seems to have heard about me and Izzy since we started our fake relationship.
Eomma is happier than I expected, asking more and more questions, but then Appa speaks for the first time.
“Adeul.” Mina passes the phone to me and I take it from her, finally looking at my father again. “I’m glad you’re making friends, but are you sure this is the right thing to do?”
I wish I could explain to him that it is , that it’s probably the best thing I’m going to do while I’m here. But I can’t say that without giving the whole thing away.
“I didn’t think it would happen. We share a lot of the same classes and we got closer as time passed.” It’s not a complete lie.
“I just want you to be careful, Adeul,” he says, a softer tone to his voice this time. “This is an important year for your education. And I don’t want you to get hurt either.”
“I won’t,” I tell him, but the lie tastes ugly in my mouth. I already know I will. I already know that once this arrangement ends, it’ll have irrevocably changed my life in a way that I won’t be able to explain to anyone.
“Is it the girl you went after that day?” Eomma asks, remembering that evening a few weeks ago.
As soon as Izzy bumped into me, I could tell something was wrong. And even though it felt like I had my parents back as one again for the tiniest of moments, I had to leave them to go to her and make sure she was okay.
“Yeah, that’s her.” The smile that blooms on my face comes too naturally from speaking about her. “Her name is Izzy.”
“She was very pretty,” Eomma says, looking even happier about this situation.
Mina grabs the phone away from me again just in time so that she doesn’t see the red creeping onto my cheeks.
“Eomma, Appa, she’s so pretty. And she plays hockey, Oppa goes to watch her practices. She’s so cool, I don’t know why she likes him.”
She doesn’t , I want to correct her.
But instead, I let myself enjoy this for a second. I play into whatever dream is happening right now, where I can pretend my parents are together in the same room with us, that nothing happened over summer, that everything is just like it used to be.
“Speaking of hockey, it’s about to start so we can discuss this more later.” I start shooing Mina out of my room so we can leave.
“Are you coming home for half term?” Appa asks, and I don’t have a definite answer for him.
“I’m not sure,” I say, reality hitting me again that I’ll have to stay with both of them separately. “I’m going to see how much work I have to do and then I’ll let you know.”
“Okay,” he says, but I know it’s not what he wanted to hear.
We tell our parents we love them, and Mina hangs up the call. I pinch her arm, but she’s much smaller and way more feisty than I am and manages to kick my shin and run away from me before I can even register the pain.
I leave my room, Mina not even in the hallway anymore, and start making my way to the brightest part of my day.