19. Izzy
19
IZZY
The pain shooting from my ankle is unbearable.
It was so quick. One second, I’m running, and the next, I’m on the ground, my face skidding against the Astro turf and my ankle twisting in a way I didn’t even know it could.
I try to push myself up on my knees, but the pressure on them has me instantly dropping again. They must have gotten pretty badly scraped up in the fall. My face burns on one side as I roll onto my back. I spit out my mouth guard, closing my eyes as I grind my teeth together to stop from crying out in pain.
There’s a clamour of noise around me, and I can hear Miss. Khan telling the girls to move out of the way.
“Izzy, are you okay?” Chloe says, her hand on my shoulder.
I nod once, my teeth still clenched, and that’s the biggest giveaway I’m lying.
“Miss, what do we do?” Amelia says, panic in her voice.
I flail my arm around to try and make contact with her and land on her knee. I give it a comforting squeeze so she knows I’m alright.
“Hold on, I’m going to call the nurse,” Miss. Khan tells us, but then I hear him.
“I’ve got her.”
Noah’s voice is steady, calm against everyone else’s panic, and it seems to have that effect on me. I relax my jaw, finally opening my eyes, and he’s right above me. Hazel eyes look down at me, roving over my face and taking in what must be a terrible sight. My cheek still burns and I can only imagine how scratched up it must be.
“That was quite a fall,” he jokes, and a quiet laugh escapes me, making my whole body move even though it hurts. His eyes are focused on mine, and there’s a light shine to them that makes them shimmer like stars. It makes me cry.
My face crumples, tears streaming down the sides, my whole body shaking as the initial shock from the fall seems to be wearing off. I’m in so much pain, inside and out.
How can he look at me like that when this is all fake? There was a split second where I forgot this wasn’t real. A moment where I thought he really cared about me that much that he was on the verge of tears.
But I know it’s an act. I know he only came down here because it’s what people would expect him to do. Noah’s a great guy, but I didn’t think he’d be such a good actor. And now I’m crying in front of him, and everyone else, but they’ve all faded into the background.
“It’s okay. I’ve got you.” His gentle voice breaks through my thoughts. It’s the only sound I can hear right now that actually makes sense amongst all the other noise.
I keep my eyes closed as I feel his arms move around me, one under my knees and the other at my shoulders. He lifts me like it’s the easiest thing in the world, like he doesn’t feel the weight of all my insecurities and worries and starts carrying me off the field. He doesn’t say a single word to anyone as he walks away. I wrap my arms around his neck, bury my face in it so that I can’t even see if anyone’s following us.
The tears won’t stop falling and I’ve probably soaked his entire shoulder but he doesn’t seem to care. His steps are steady as he takes me closer to the main school building where the nurses’ office is.
The one thing I’m meant to be good at is the sport Isaac fought so hard for me to play, and I can’t even do it properly. What would he think if he knew I didn’t want to play anymore? If he knew I’d wasted his efforts even more by making such a rookie mistake like rolling on my ankle like that?
And school. How will he react when I tell him I don’t want to go to university? That he wasted his time and energy by talking to our parents after they completely disowned him, just so he could convince them to keep paying for my school fees? He does so much for me, and I can’t even do a simple thing like staying on my feet while playing hockey.
By the time we reach the office, it doesn’t even feel like I’m in my body anymore. Noah says something to the nurse, but it’s like they’re in a bubble, and I’m floating outside of it, everything muffled as they speak to each other.
Noah sets me down on the bed, stepping away from me to go toward the door. I close my eyes. I can’t bear to see him leave.
“Poor thing. I’ll give you some painkillers in just a second,” the nurse says as she gently pushes my hair back from my face. “You can move that chair over here if you want. Keep an eye on her. I’ll be right back.”
The scrape of metal against the floor has me opening my eyes. Noah’s still here. He didn’t leave.
“You okay?” he whispers, his face so close to mine as he props his chin on the pillow that my head is resting on.
I tilt my head to the side to face him properly. The corners of his mouth are turned downward slightly, a crease in the space between his eyebrows that I want to smooth away, that shimmer still in his eyes. I’ve never seen him look this worried or scared, and I never want to see it again—especially if I’m the cause.
I nod, but my face betrays me as stray tears still fall from my eyes, my jaw clenched tight again. Noah’s hand closes over mine, his fingers grazing my side as he takes it. He gives it a gentle squeeze before he surprises me by bringing our joined hands closer. He kisses the back of my hand. It’s the smallest pressure, the softest touch, but it wrecks me completely.
No one is around to see him do this.
It’s not for show.
It’s just for us.
It’s just for me .
I’ve tried to avoid thinking about my feelings for Noah. I’ve tried rationalising that I feel so comfortable and safe with him because we have this agreement.
But none of that explains how I feel when I tell him my secrets, about my parents, and about my uncertain future. It doesn’t explain the relief I feel every time I give him these small confessions, how lovely it feels when he truly listens to me and doesn’t placate me with fake niceties.
It doesn’t explain why that simple kiss to the back of my hand has me wanting to tell him the biggest secret I’ve got right now—that I really like him.
And now he’s here with me, with no audience to see.
He has to feel this too.
His other hand comes up to stroke my hair, his thumb running across my temple before moving lower. I close my eyes, and he brushes the pad of his thumb over my eyelid, wiping the dampness away.
I dread to imagine what a mess I look like right now, but when I open my eyes, there’s a warmth in his, and something else I’m too scared to name. The sad smile on his face breaks my heart.
“No more crying, pretty girl,” he says, his voice husky as he moves his hand back up to my hair.
I scoff out a laugh, turning my head away from him to face the ceiling instead.
“There’s no way in hell I look pretty right now.”
“You do,” he says, simply. “You always do. Especially now.”
“I’m a crying mess.”
“You’ve been dealing with a lot. It’s okay to let it out,” he whispers, his thumb running back and forth across my head. I look back at him again, and his face is completely sincere. “If it takes a hard fall for that to happen, then it just means you’ve been strong for too long.”
“I don’t feel very strong,” I confess quietly, too scared to put too much volume to the feelings that have been worrying me for the past few weeks.
“You are,” he says firmly. “But you don’t have to be, if you don’t want to. I can help you. Let me help you.” His voice is low and pleading.
I want to give in to him so badly, have him take all these worries away from me so I can get rid of the pressure on my chest and breathe for a second.
My chin quivers, and Noah continues stroking my hair, keeps calming me like no one else has before. He kisses my hand again, rubs small circles across the back of it. All I can do is nod, agreeing to whatever he’s asking from me. I want him to help me. I want to tell him all my secrets. I want him to figure it all out for me. I want to stop worrying.
“Okay, first take these,” the nurse says as she reenters the room and hands me the painkillers and a small cup of water. I take it from her and prop myself up just enough to swallow them down as she continues. “We need to get you cleaned up, and get this ankle looked at.”
Noah keeps his head close to mine. Even when she approached us, he didn’t move a single inch.
“Why don’t you help me?” she says, placing her hand on Noah’s shoulder.
It takes him a couple of seconds before he finally drags his eyes away from me to look up at her. She holds out a bottle of solution and some cotton pads to him, and he sits up to take them. “Just dab a bit on there and pat it on her face where the scratches are. It might sting a little,” she warns me.
Noah looks back at me, a silent question in his worried eyes.
“It’s okay,” I reassure him. “I want you to do it.”
He gives me a quick but wary smile before he follows her instructions, dampening the cotton pad before lifting it to my face.
“I’m sorry,” he says, wincing as he lightly presses it to my face. It stings, but it doesn’t feel any worse than everything else that’s happened.
Noah works quickly but delicately, changing the cotton pad whenever it turns from white to pink. He murmurs apologies and reassurances every time he touches my face, his free hand cradling my cheek as he holds me.
The nurse is focused on my ankle, elevating it with some pillows before poking and prodding at it. I know I should be feeling it more, that the pain from earlier hasn’t just disappeared, but all I can focus on is Noah. The only thing I can feel is his eyes on me, lighting me up from the inside.
He moves his face closer to mine, inspecting his work before he surprises me again with another kiss. This time, to my jaw, right below all the scratches, like he can kiss it and make it all better.
“All done,” he says, the corners of his lips tugged upward in a soft smile as he pulls back.
“Thank—“
I don’t get to finish what I’m saying because he shakes his head, not accepting any kind of gratitude for what he’s doing.
“Can I do your knees?” he asks, and I nod in response.
He stands up and gathers the small pile of crumpled cotton pads, throwing them away before getting fresh ones. He sits back down, shuffling his chair down so he’s closer to my legs and repeats the same process he did on my face. Tender touches as he wipes away all the mess and hurt.
I wonder if he can do that for the rest of me, too.
“It doesn’t seem broken, so more than likely it’s just a sprain. Don’t put any weight on it, and keep it elevated whenever you can.” She stands up, gathering the new pile Noah has created and throwing them away. “I’ll grab some crutches, and you can head back to your room.”
She steps away for a second, rummaging in one of the cupboards, before she pulls out some plasters and hands them to Noah.
“Put these on her knees. Her face isn’t as bad, so she doesn’t need any on there. It should clear up in a few days, dear,” she says before she leaves the room.
Noah does as he’s told again. His fingers move lightly as he places the bandage on my knees, gently pressing down on the adhesive to make sure he doesn’t hurt me in the process.
“Feeling better?” he asks once he’s finished.
Noah moves his chair back up so he can rest his chin close to my head again. His long eyelashes flutter as he gives me that fond smile, and I notice how pretty he really is for the first time.
“Yeah,” I tell him, and I mean it.
Noah being here with me has made this whole thing less painful. I’m so glad he didn’t leave. He takes my hand in his again.
We look at each other, not a single word passing between us, but there’s an electricity in the air, a charge that makes this moment feel pivotal. None of what’s happened since we entered this room has been for show. He didn’t have to stay with me, hold my hand, clean my scratches, or kiss me. But he did. And I don’t know what that means for us.
“At least you’ve got a good excuse not to play hockey now,” he says, humour in his voice as he tries to lighten the mood.
I huff out a laugh but then his words register in my mind, and I wonder if this is the sign I was looking for to stop completely. Maybe this happened just so that I could stop playing in a way that wouldn’t have Isaac feeling disappointed in me.
“I don’t know who I am without it,” I tell him, surprising myself as I say it because I’ve never thought about it like that before.
I met my best friends through hockey, the girls I can’t imagine not having by my side for the rest of my life. It’s how I figured out Isaac actually liked having me as a sister and didn’t think I was an annoying kid. It’s the reason I go to the gym so much, why I’m so disciplined when it comes to taking care of myself in that way. So many aspects of my life are tied to it, and I’m scared of what will happen when I give it up.
“You’re you , Izzy. You don’t need to be anything else.” He says it with such a gentle force that it plants itself in my brain. I want to believe him.
The nurse comes back into the room, crutches in hand. She passes them to Noah, who lets go of my hand to help me sit upright. My legs dangle over the side of the bed as the nurse explains what I need to do for the next couple of days, the main focus being on resting.
“I’ll make sure she does,” Noah tells her.
“What a lovely young man you are,” she says, beaming at him and he ducks his head to hide his shy smile. “You’re a lucky girl.”
“I know,” I say proudly.
Noah turns his smile on me then, and I know I’m getting closer to the full thing.
“I’ll take you to your room,” he says right as Luke bursts through the door.