24. Izzy
24
IZZY
After I get off the phone with Noah, I try to distract myself. I take an everything shower, do my skincare routine, change into my favourite oversized shirt to sleep in, and get cozy in bed with three blankets.
Then I doom scroll until midnight and question my entire existence.
I get out of my cocoon of blankets to get some water, but of course, my bottle is empty. I could text Isaac to refill it, but he’s been out of sorts all evening. He’s nervous about tomorrow, so I don’t want to bother him.
I hop to my door, opening it quietly to avoid disturbing both of them because they’re probably asleep by now. I make my way through the living room, past Isaac and Violet’s room, and toward the kitchen, but just before I enter it, I hear them speaking. They’re usually asleep at this time, so I wonder what’s keeping them up. I move closer to their room, balancing on one foot and shuffling forward on the other. I lean against the wall next to their door.
“I need to see if I can get more hours. Or maybe a second job.” Violet sounds exhausted, and not in a way that’s just from lack of sleep.
“You can’t overwork yourself like that, jaanu. I’ll figure something out, don’t worry,” Isaac reassures her.
“It’s not a small increase, Isaac. We need to bring in another couple hundred a month to be able to afford to stay here.”
“I know,” Isaac lets out a deep sigh. “I’ll figure it out. We just need to stay here for at least another year until Izzy finishes school and gets settled at uni. We can find somewhere else after that.”
My hands clench into fists, my nails digging into my palms.
“You can’t do it all by yourself. Let me help you.”
“You help me by just being with me.”
I push off the wall and hop back to my room as fast as I can, my heartbeat pounding in my ears.
How am I supposed to tell them I don’t want to go to university now? They’re expecting me to leave once school ends, which I should have guessed they’d want since they’re going to get married.
I clamber back into bed, pulling the sheets over my head as I try to calm my racing heart. Once I turn eighteen, Isaac won’t have to be responsible for me anymore. And Violet’s already done more than enough for me, considering we aren’t even really related.
I have to figure out what I’m doing once school ends, and quick.
* * *
The proposal all goes to plan. I got Violet here on time, sat her down, and made my exit so Isaac could go in. Now, I’m sitting outside the theatre door with flowers in hand, waiting for them to come out. The door opens and both are crying happy tears. They have the biggest smiles on their faces, and it makes me start to cry, too.
Isaac takes the flowers from me as Violet bends down to hug me. We squeeze each other tightly, half sobbing, half laughing, and even though she doesn’t say anything, I know how much this means to her.
She lets go of me after a few seconds, and I turn my attention to Isaac, who’s watching us with tears in his eyes and the brightest smile on his face. He’s so happy, and I’m so glad. Violet takes the flowers from him, and then he hugs me.
“Thanks for your help,” he whispers, but I feel like I should be saying those words to him.
He’s sacrificed so much for me throughout his whole life, and I have no way to repay him. There’s no words I can use to express how grateful I am for him and how happy I am that he’s living the life he’s always deserved.
Another arm wraps around my shoulders, Violet hugging Isaac and me from the side. The position is incredibly awkward, though, as I’m still sitting down while they stand, so I push them away from me so they can have their moment. Isaac holds Violet close to him, like he doesn’t want a single inch of space between them, and they both look down at me.
“You are very sneaky,” Violet says, her ring finger on full display as she twists her necklace between her fingers.
“I have been dying keeping it a secret,” I tell her, as I get up so we can leave the cinema.
We go to dinner at Violet’s favourite restaurant, and her mum is already waiting at the table when we arrive, which sets Violet off crying again. Isaac hasn’t stopped smiling, and I don’t know how his face hasn’t started hurting. I keep quiet as we eat, content to listen to them as they discuss wedding plans, and by the end of dinner, they’ve already chosen the date they want to get married—July ninth, their birthday.
Then Violet’s mum asks how school is going and what my future plans are, and I start choking on my food. Isaac slaps me on the back and passes me a glass of water, and thankfully, the conversation moves on.
What I overheard last night hasn’t left my mind. Hearing Violet talk about what she wants for her wedding makes me realise how much money they’re going to need for it. I can’t stop them from having what they want just because I’m too selfish to figure out my own life and move out.
We finish eating, Isaac winning the battle to pay against Violet’s mum, and then we head home. I haven’t checked my phone at all since leaving the cinema. When I do, most of my notifications are from the girls blowing up the group chat asking for updates. But there’s a message from Noah, too.
Noah
So when’s the wedding?
For a split second, my foolish heart stops beating when I imagine him talking about us. I want to call and tell him all about it but decide I should get ready for bed first. I quickly shower and get changed, before settling down under my mountain of blankets again.
It’s just past ten, but I know Noah will be wide awake. We both seem to have trouble sleeping. There have been a couple of nights this week where we’ve stayed on the phone well into the early hours of the morning. It’s not even that we’ve got a lot to say to each other. Most of the time, we spend in silence, but there’s a comfort in knowing he’s on the other end of the phone.
I call Noah, and he answers on the first ring.
“Hey. How was it? Did she say yes?” he asks, his voice deep and raspy like it usually is when we talk at night. I like the way it sounds more than I want to admit.
“Of course she did. There was no doubt about that.”
He lets out a small laugh, and I swear I can feel it like he’s right next to me.
“So when’s the big day?” he asks, and the delusion pops into my brain again. I focus back on the actual topic.
“They picked a date, but I don’t think it’s happening any time soon. They both said they want to save up a bit more and wait until they’re older.”
Their conversation about money runs through my mind again. I need to figure out a way to stop being a hinderance to them.
“So why did he propose now?” Noah asks.
“I don’t know, guess he just couldn’t wait any longer. At dinner, he kept calling her his wife. I counted up to twenty times before I got bored of keeping track.”
“That’s really sweet,” Noah says, and I nod even though he can’t see me. “Give them my congratulations.”
“What am I supposed to say exactly? My fake boyfriend says congrats?”
He doesn’t say anything for a second, and I regret it instantly.
“You could just say I’m your friend, Izzy,” Noah says quietly. “I’d like to think we’re at least that.”
I close my eyes, clenching my jaw at how badly I’m messing this up.
“Of course we’re friends, Noah,” I tell him. The words taste bitter in my mouth.
I want to be more than friends with him. This thing between us doesn’t feel all that fake anymore. No one is with us every night when we talk to each other, no one is seeing our texts at all hours of the day. We’re doing whatever this is because we want to, not for any other reason.
But I’m scared to tell Noah. I think if I keep repeating out loud that we’re just friends and this whole thing is fake, it’ll make the words settle easier in my chest. But it feels like a dagger every time.
“What day are you going back to school?” he asks, changing the subject expertly. We’re on the verge of crossing dangerous ground.
“I might go tomorrow. Let Isaac and Violet enjoy their weekend without me,” I reply, staring out the window at the crescent moon in the sky. I wonder if Noah is looking at it, too.
“I was thinking of going back tomorrow, too,” he says, and I hear the question he’s not asking. But I answer him anyway.
“We can see each other if you want.” I pause, choosing my next words carefully. “Most people won’t come back until Sunday.”
I hope he can hear my unsaid words, too. That I want us to keep doing things not just for show, but because I want to spend as much time with him as I can before this ends.
“I’d like that,” he says.
Without seeing him, I know he’s got that lovely smile on his face that always makes butterflies take flight in my stomach.
* * *
Isaac and Violet insist on dropping me off at school the next day, even though I told them I could take the train. The whole reason I left early was so that they didn’t have to bother with me and could enjoy being engaged. I did manage to convince them to stay in the car instead of walking me to my door, though. My ankle has gotten slightly better over the break, and while I can put a little bit of weight on it now, it’s still easier to use crutches.
I wave them off as they drive away and start the walk back to my room. I only get halfway before my bag is lifted off my shoulder. I turn my head to the side, and Noah’s there.
“Hey, you,” he says.
I have to fight back the smile that wants to break out at seeing him.
I lift my arm from the crutches so he can take my bag, and he throws it over his shoulder. He cut his hair over the break. It’s shorter than I remember, but still long enough to run my fingers through it. I look away from him, heat rising in my cheeks, as I push that image out of my mind.
“You didn’t tell me you were back already,” I say as we continue walking toward my building.
“Got an earlier train. Thought I could get some work done before you got here.”
“And did you?”
“Not a single thing. I’ve been staring at the wall and contemplating my existence for the past two hours.”
I laugh and finally let myself look at him again. He’s smiling down at me, and I’ve missed seeing it. Missed the warmth in his eyes, and the way I feel like I’m being lit up from the inside out just by being next to him.
When we reach my building, he holds the door open for me, and I’ve missed this, too. All these small actions show he cares about me, even if it’s just as a friend.
We pass by a few people who have also come back early, but no one looks at us that much anymore. They’ve gotten used to seeing Noah walking with me, and I’ve even overheard a few comments from people saying how cute it is. He’s playing his role perfectly.
When we enter my room, we easily fall back into the routine we’ve set. Noah puts my bag on the floor and sits on the edge of my desk while I take the chair. I don’t have to ask him to stay—he does anyway.
“You can sit on the bed if you want. I know the desk isn’t all that comfortable,” I tell him.
It’s something that’s been playing on my mind all week for some reason. I should have offered this to him earlier.
“Are you sure?” he asks, looking back and forth from the bed to me. I swear I see a hint of pink on his cheeks.
“I don’t mind.”
He nods, biting his bottom lip once before he releases it and pushes off the desk. He perches on the edge of my bed awkwardly, and I can’t help but giggle at the sight of him.
“Sit back more.”
He shuffles back slightly so he’s actually sitting more comfortably, his hands clasped together in his lap. It’s like he’s trying to make himself take up as little space as possible on the bed, and it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.
Neither of us says anything for a moment, we just smile at each other. I take the chance to look at him properly. I already noticed his hair, but looking at it from the front now, I can see it’s definitely long enough for me to run my fingers through. My gaze drops to his face, his lips. His tongue peeks out and swipes across them, and I have to force myself to look away from him again .
I’ve been in a relationship before. I’ve kissed guys before. But whenever the thought of kissing Noah pops into my head, it feels like my entire body is on fire, my brain firing off every nerve and making them come to life.
“I need to go to the bathroom. My laptop’s in my bag. Let’s watch a movie.”
The words rush out of me, and I don’t wait for him to respond before I hop to my bathroom, completely avoiding looking at him. My face is as red as I thought it would be, and I hope Noah didn’t notice. I splash some water on it, stare in the mirror, and tell myself to get it together before I leave the bathroom. Noah’s set my laptop up on the desk, but hasn’t done anything else with it.
“I didn’t know what you wanted to watch,” he says, as I settle next to him on the bed, lifting my hurt ankle onto the chair.
“Do you like horror movies?” It feels like a make-or-break question.
“I love them,” he says. Noah lets out a small laugh when a quiet ‘yes’ escapes me.
“A man after my heart,” I say. I don’t miss the way his head snaps to look at me before he stares ahead at the laptop again. Bad choice of words, Izzy. “What’s your favourite?”
I’m so happy to finally have someone who might appreciate the genre as much as I do. I want to know all of Noah’s favourites. Is he a slasher or psychological guy? Does he think any remakes are better than the originals? There’s only one correct answer for that question, but I can already guess his.
“Has to be Sinister . It’s the only horror movie that’s actually scared me. After watching it, I had to sleep with the lights on for a week.” He looks at me after he says it, his eyes wide. “I mean, that never happened. It’s scary, but not that scary. I was completely fine after.”
I nudge him with my shoulder, and he smiles down at me, rubbing a hand across the back of his neck.
“Mine is Scream .”
“That’s pretty good, too.”
“ Pretty good? It’s more than that, it’s life-changing!” I tell him. I can’t believe any horror fan would say that about one of the most iconic movies of the genre.
“I haven’t watched it in a while. Maybe I just don’t remember it all that well.”
“That settles it. We’re watching it right now so you can appreciate it.”
Noah shakes his head, but he leans over to grab my laptop from the desk and passes it to me. I pull the movie up, and he takes it back from me, placing it on the desk before he presses play.
We stay sat on the edge of my bed as we watch the movie. I tell Noah all the behind-the-scenes facts that I know. After the first few, I stop because I think I’m starting to annoy him, but then he asks for more. Whenever I speak, he leans his head closer to me, his eyes still on the screen but his attention clearly focused on me. Noah stays still when I start leaning on him, our arms touching and my mind racing.
When Scream ends, we go straight into watching Sinister . I didn’t realise how fun it would be to watch horror movies with someone who actually liked them too. Whenever I watch them with anyone else, it’s clear they’re doing it just to humour me, but Noah really enjoys them, and it makes the whole experience better.
He points out details like I did for him, tells me his favourite scenes and why, and it’s so much fun that we continue watching them. We take turns picking, and before I know it, my room has gone dark, the sun setting without us realising.
The whole day has passed, and neither of us noticed. I brought plenty of snacks from home, and we’ve been working our way through them, not even considering that we’ve missed lunch and dinner.
I lean forward to switch on my star lamp, but Noah beats me to it, bathing my room in a warm glow.
“Didn’t realise how late it was,” Noah says, taking his phone out of his pocket to check the time before putting it away again. I’ve noticed I never really see him on his phone when he’s with me. It’s nice. “I should get back to my room. I actually do have some work I needed to do.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kept you for that long.”
“No, I liked it. A lot. This was really fun, Izzy,” he says, looking at me with that half smile on his face. I’m still waiting to see the full thing. I wonder what it’ll take.
“It was,” I agree.
The dim light makes Noah look softer than usual. I wonder what he’d do if I moved closer, if my lips touched his for even a second. He’s kissed me twice now. It was only the cheek, and when I was upset, so I’ve tried my best not to overthink it. But maybe he wouldn’t mind if I did the same. Maybe it would be okay if I kissed him or told him how I really feel.
We’re still sitting so close to each other. Once I started leaning on him, I didn’t pull away, and he didn’t move a single inch. I glance down to see his hand resting on his knee. He’s got it clenched into a fist, this thumb moving back and forth over his forefinger.
I don’t let myself think too much about it before I place my hand on top of his. He instantly relaxes, his fist unfurling until his hand is flat against his thigh, and mine rests on top. He turns his hand over slowly, flipping it so that our palms connect, and then he links our fingers together, squeezing gently. I sneak a glance at his face, and his eyes are closed, long lashes fanning over the top of his cheeks, and his mouth pressed into a thin line. Noah lets out a heavy breath, his hand tightening around mine.
“I should go,” he whispers, but there’s no conviction in his voice.
I don’t say anything.
I should tell him I don’t want him to go, I want him to stay for as long as he can, because none of this feels fake anymore.
I should tell him that I like him.
But instead, I say nothing.
“I’m going to go now.” His voice is so quiet I can barely hear him.
He’s still holding my hand. His thumb traces my wrist, and I hope he can’t feel the way my pulse is beating hard.
“Can you tell me to go?” Noah asks, a gentle pleading in his voice, but I can’t. I could never ask that of him.
He lets out a shaky breath, his fingers running across my knuckles. He lifts our joined hands and kisses the back of mine before he finally lets go.
“Goodnight, Izzy.”
All I can do is watch as he stands and leaves my room. I throw my body back until it’s flat against the bed, bringing my hands up to my face to cover it.
I should have said something. It was the perfect moment to finally tell him, but I was too much of a coward.
He probably thinks I don’t like him. And that should be a good thing. He should be able to think this is fake for me, too. But I can’t keep trying to convince myself there’s nothing between us when it’s clear he wants this as much as I do. I just hope one of us is brave enough to admit it before it’s too late.