27. Izzy
27
IZZY
“I’m not playing hockey anymore.”
I stare at Isaac, waiting for a response, but he keeps chewing his food.
“I’m not playing hockey,” I repeat. Maybe he didn’t hear me the first time.
“Okay?” he says, eating more of his pasta.
Well, this wasn’t what I prepared for. I’d thought he would make more of a fuss, perhaps ask some questions, but he’s just accepting it.
“Aren’t you going to ask why?”
I built up this conversation so much in my mind, and I want to have it. Violet is working late tonight, so it’s just the two of us at home. It felt like the best time to confess to him about not wanting to play hockey anymore, but I guess not.
“Why don’t you want to play hockey anymore?” he says, humouring me.
Isaac keeps eating and I feel an unfair frustration toward him. Why isn’t he fighting me on this? After how much he went through so I could play, why isn’t he more bothered?
“It doesn’t make me happy,” I tell him, needing to get it off my chest. “I only kept playing it because I thought everyone would be disappointed if I didn’t.”
He finally drops his fork back onto the plate and wipes his mouth with a napkin.
“Why would anyone be disappointed?” he asks.
Even though I just used those words, it feels weird to hear the question from him.
“Because it’s something I’m good at, and there’s no reason for me to quit?” I say.
At this point, it sounds like I’m trying to convince myself to be annoyed at my own decision.
“Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you have to pursue it,” Isaac says as he shrugs his shoulders. “For example, I’m great at singing?—“
“I’ve heard you in the shower,” I interrupt him.
“You’re welcome for the free concert.”
I can’t hold back a laugh, and it gets a smile out of Isaac, too.
“If something doesn’t bring you joy anymore, then you don’t have to continue. Your happiness is the most important thing, not what anyone, myself included, might think of you.”
His maturity hits me all over again. Some days, I find it hard to believe we’re related, given how different we seem to be. But it’s one of the main reasons I love him so much. He always knows the right things to say.
“Thanks, Isaac.”
“Anytime.” He gestures at the half-eaten food on his plate. “Now can I finish without you having a crisis?”
I throw a napkin at him, and he gently kicks my foot underneath the table before he starts eating again. I lift my fork to my mouth but it’s hard to ignore the insecure thoughts still haunting me.
Although this conversation went better than I anticipated, I know there’s still a bigger one that needs to be had. Quitting hockey isn’t as big of a decision as not going to university, and I’m worried for the day I’ll actually have to face his disappointment.
* * *
The lead-up to Christmas is hectic. After talking with Isaac about hockey, we’ve barely seen each other. He and Violet have been working extra shifts, so they’re rarely at home. When we do catch each other, they’re always tired from how much they’re working. They tell me it’s because they want to save up more for the wedding, but I know that’s not the truth.
I need to speak with them about what I’m doing with my life. Application deadlines are approaching, and while my friends have already got their options and personal statements sorted, I’ve got nothing. After telling Amelia and Chloe about my decision, I didn’t think much of it again until I told Noah.
He sent me a list of options he’d written out in his notes app, including what I can do if I don’t go to university. He mentioned apprenticeship schemes, working holidays, and different kinds of qualifications I could get. I think he spent more time researching it than I did. And while his list did help, it also left me even more confused about what I can do once school ends.
I don’t want to ruin Isaac and Violet’s good mood, though. Even though they’re both exhausted, they’re still so excited about getting married. Violet has already shown me what kind of dresses she wants and asked me how much I want to be involved in it. Of course, I told her I want to be part of every single step that she’ll let me. Isaac, on the other hand, is already trying to figure out a way to stop Luke from making a speech on the big day.
Even though I spend most of my days alone, they both still check up on me, calling and texting as much as they can. But it’s been weird adjusting to the loneliness. I’ve been busying myself by watching movies and reading through Violet’s collection of books. Sometimes, I wish I was a character in one of hers so that all my decisions could be plotted out for me by someone else, and so I could get my happy ending.
On my loneliest days, when it’s dark and rainy and nothing can distract me, I wish I had someone next to me. It’s that gnawing feeling that crawls out whenever I spend too much time in my own head. The feeling that I’ll never find someone to spend my quiet hours with, someone to share in the mundane parts of my life, someone on the other end of the phone to look at the same moon.
I’ve tried to stop thinking about Noah. The last time I was at home, we spent so much time on the phone with each other, but we’ve hardly spoken since that night in my room. I don’t know what I said to make him run away. I thought we were opening up to each other more, that maybe he was starting to feel the same way about me that I do about him. But he left, and he’s barely spoken to me since.
I keep his gift right next to my bed. On the nights I can’t sleep, which are more often than not, I lift up the lid and stare at the stars, counting them over and over again.
You deserve a whole constellation.
His voice plays over in my head as I imagine him sitting in his room, using the same fingers that wiped away my tears to fold every single one of these stars. I think about him stringing them all together, sticking them to the lid of the box so I could have my own constellation to look at whenever I want.
On those same nights, I want to call him. But the way he left me that day, and his texts being so few and far between, I don’t think he wants to talk to me. I hate the idea of him being upset with me, but I’m not sure what I did, or if it’s even to do with me. I’ve learnt to read his emotions better with all the time we spend together, but there’s still a part of him he doesn’t let me in to. But I suppose, I’ve been doing the same to him.
I scroll through my phone until I reach his name, my finger hovering over it as I think about what I’m doing. It’s early in the evening, and although Isaac and Violet will be home soon and I’ll have to spend time with them, I want to hear his voice. I tap his name, and it only takes one ring for him to answer.
“Hey.”
“Hi,” he says, his voice deeper than I remember.
Goosebumps erupt all over my skin and the English language seems to have left my brain completely. I can’t remember a single thing I wanted to say to him.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I just…” I can’t lie to him. “I missed you.”
He lets out a shaky breath, and I can picture him so clearly on the other end of the phone. I know he’s running his hand through his hair, that he’s got his bottom lip pinched between his teeth, and his eyes closed.
“I missed you, too.” It comes out quietly, like he’s afraid of saying it out loud. “I didn’t think you wanted to talk to me anymore.”
“What? Why wouldn’t I?”
Now I’m confused because I thought he was avoiding me, but he thinks that’s what I’ve been doing.
“The way I left your room that day. I should have said goodbye properly.”
“How would you have done that?” I ask him, my curiosity getting the better of me.
Would he have kissed me?
I would have let him.
“Just…” He’s quiet for a moment, I want him to say what I’m thinking. “Just better than that.”
“Do you still want to go to the party?” I ask him, changing the subject. I don’t want to linger on what could have happened—what should have happened.
“Do you?” He reflects my question back at me.
Honestly, I don’t want to. Even though I’ve been spending so much time alone, the idea of spending my New Year's surrounded by people I don’t care about doesn’t sound appealing to me. But I want to see Noah.
“It could be fun,” I say, hoping he doesn’t hear the way I’m trying to convince myself.
“And if it’s not, we can leave early and go watch a movie somewhere.”
A soft laugh escapes me, and I smile for the first time in a while. That sounds like an infinitely better idea than going to the party. But I think wherever I am, as long as I’m with Noah, it’ll be the perfect way to start the year.
We talk more about the party, Noah asking me what he should wear and what time to arrive. His train will take about two hours to get there, whereas it’ll only take me about an hour. We check the tickets and coordinate ourselves to get to the station around the same time.
I don’t notice how long we’ve been on the phone until I hear Isaac calling my name, and the faint smell of food registers in my brain. I pull my phone away from my ear to look at it and see that Noah and I have been talking for nearly two hours. I was so caught up in hearing his voice again, hearing everything and anything from him, that I hadn’t even noticed time passing.
“I have to go, my brother’s calling me,” I tell him as my stomach rumbles.
“I’ll see you in a few days,” he says, and I can hear the smile in his voice.
I’ve already started counting them down.
* * *
The week in between Christmas and New Year’s never feels real. It’s like the whole world is paused, everyone recovering from Christmas while simultaneously getting ready for the new year to begin.
I still haven’t spoken to Isaac and Violet about my future, and I don’t think I will before I go back to school. I can push it off until the next time I see them, when I’ve had more time to figure out my options.
I barely slept at all last night. Thinking about seeing Noah today has my stomach doing backflips. I’ve been on the phone with the girls for most of the day, all of us checking each other’s outfits and making sure we know each other’s train times. Noah has only texted me twice today, once in the morning to double-check when my train gets in, and right now as I wait to leave the house.
Noah
On the train
Should be getting there just after 10 so I’ll wait for you
Izzy
I’m leaving soon
I type and delete, type and delete until I work up the courage to say what I want to.
Izzy
I’m excited to see you
His reply comes instantly.
Noah
Me too
Three dots pop up as he types something else, but then they disappear. I wait for them to start up again, but when they don’t, I lock my phone and try to pretend that I’m perfectly fine with the fact that I’ll be seeing him in under two hours.
I spend the next half an hour sitting on the floor in front of Violet as she does my hair. She finishes off the two braids she’s done by positioning them like a crown and fastening them with a butterfly clip.
“There,” she says, patting the top of my head. “Turn around, let me see you.”
I shuffle around so I’m facing her, and she lets out an exaggerated gasp.
“You’re so pretty! Isaac!” she yells his name, and he comes rushing into the living room from their bedroom.
“What happened?” He asks, looking around to see what fire needs putting out.
“Our little girl is all grown up.” Violet looks like she’s about to start crying, as Isaac comes to stand next to her. He puts his hand on her shoulder and looks like he’s about to do the same too.
I roll my eyes at both of them.
“You’re ridiculous. I’m leaving.”
I stand up, hitting the top of my thigh to wake up my leg that’s fallen asleep from sitting on the floor for so long. I stretch my ankle to loosen it up. It’s mostly healed, but every now and then it plays up and there’s a dull pain that lasts for a few seconds.
I leave the world’s most dramatic couple on the sofa as I go to my room to make sure I’ve got everything I need. Noah’s hoodie hangs from the back of my door, and I pull it over my dress, making sure not to touch my hair too much. I should have given him the hoodie back weeks ago, but I’ve held on to it. There’s still the faint smell of his perfume on it.
“Make sure you text us when you get there,” Isaac says as I come out of my room. He walks with me to the front door. “If it gets too much and you want to come home early, call us and we’ll be right there.”
“It’s just a party, Isaac. Only a few of the sports teams are going to be there.”
* * *
“Was the whole school invited?” I murmur to myself as I step off the train, along with about forty other people I vaguely recognise.
I assumed it would just be a couple dozen people, mainly from our year, but it seems like news spread over the break and half the school has turned up.
I follow the crowd until I get outside the station, and before I can even take my phone out of my pocket to text Noah, he’s in front of me.
“Izzy.”
I don’t say anything as I step closer to him, throwing my arms around his waist and hugging him like it’s been years since we last saw each other. His arms fold across my shoulders, and I feel his lips press against the top of my head, sending butterflies through my stomach as he loosens his hold on me. I still keep my arms around him though, looking up at him with my chin pointing into his chest, but he doesn’t seem to mind. He stares down at me, hazel eyes roaming over my face, and he takes me in like it’s the first time he’s really seeing me.
“You’re really pretty.” His eyes don’t leave mine when he says it.
I feel the blush on my cheeks instantly and hope the streetlights are dim enough to hide it.
“Not too bad yourself,” I tell him, trying to lighten the tension that seems to be hanging like a weight between us on a delicate thread. He’s wearing a dark sweater and denim jeans, a perfectly normal outfit, but he looks unfairly handsome.
“Is this my hoodie?” He drops a hand to fiddle with the hem of it, his fingertips grazing against my exposed thigh, making me shiver. I didn’t realise how short this dress was until now.
“Yeah, sorry. I should have given it back to you sooner.”
“You can keep it. I told you it looks better on you.” There’s a huskiness to his voice as his fingers play with the loose threads at the hem. My legs suddenly feel like jelly, and the only thing keeping me up is the fact that I’m still holding on to him tightly.
“Get a move on, lovebirds,” Amelia yells from behind me, and I’m suddenly aware of the fact that there are so many people around us. Once I saw Noah, it was like everyone else stopped existing.
I drop my arms, taking a small step away from Noah, and he does the same. But he takes my hand in his immediately, and we join the girls as they climb into the taxi they’ve called.
The party is way bigger than I expected. We can hear the music before we even see the house. Once we make it up the long driveway, I resign myself to the fact that this isn’t going to be as quiet a night as I expected. Noah hasn’t let go of my hand since he took it, and I don’t want him to, especially now when there’s so many people crowded around.
Once we get out of the taxi—Noah paying for it even though we insisted he didn’t have to and we could all split it—we go around the side of the house to the back garden.
People are scattered around everywhere in small clusters, having loud conversations over the music blaring from speakers set up around the garden and inside the house. The girls disappear somewhere, finding some others from the hockey team, but I stay with Noah.
I sneak a glance at him to see how he’s feeling. I told him it wouldn’t be that busy so I’m worried he’s regretting coming here. Looking around, I know that a lot of the people here took part in spreading rumours about him when he first joined. Even though it’s died down now, I still resent them all for doing it in the first place.
“You okay?” I ask him, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.
“Yeah, just wasn’t expecting so many people,” he says, staring straight ahead at all the students enjoying themselves.
“We can leave if you want.” I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable, especially because I’m the only reason he’s here in the first place.
“Let’s see how it goes,” is all he says before he leads me toward the house.
It’s completely open, leading into the kitchen, with sliding glass doors pulled all the way back so the kitchen and garden flow into one. The island in the middle is loaded up with various drinks, and someone seems to be playing bartender, taking requests for mixes that sound like a nightmare.
“Do you want a drink?” Noah asks, dipping his head closer to mine so that he can speak directly into my ear. The music is louder here in the enclosed space, so I turn my head to do the same to him.
“Just water.”
He goes to his full height again, manoeuvring us through the crowd. My hand is wrapped tightly in his as I follow closely behind him. He leans over a few people to get two bottles of water from an ice bucket in the middle of the island, balancing them in one hand. Then, he turns so we face each other and hands me one of the bottles. I take it from him before I push my way through the crowd to get back out, but more people have arrived, and it’s difficult to see an exit point.
Noah drops his water bottle into the front pocket of his hoodie that I’m wearing, and then he locks his arm around my stomach. I step backward so I’m closer to him, and then we move like we’re one person. Noah manages to shoulder his way through the crowd, and somehow, we get out of it with not a single person bumping into me. He doesn’t let go of me until we find a quiet spot in the garden with only a few people lingering around.
“We need to treat these like they’re the last two bottles of water on earth,” I joke, and it makes Noah laugh loudly, his eyes crinkling at the corners. I like it when he laughs like this, completely unguarded. He never does it when we’re around other people, and I like to think he saves it just for me
“Let me know when you want to leave,” I tell him, wanting to make sure he knows that we can go whenever he wants.
“I think we can at least make it to the countdown,” he says, and my mind immediately races toward the thought of kissing him at midnight.
I press the brakes as soon as I remember that he’s never kissed anyone. He deserves to have his first kiss with someone better than me, with someone he actually loves.
“Izzy!” I hear Chloe before I see her. She hurries toward me and grabs onto my arm. “Let’s dance!”
I look at Noah, wanting him to ask me to stay, but he lets go of my hand instead.
“Go have fun. I’ll wait here.”
“Are you sure?”
He nods, and that’s all Chloe needs to see before she’s dragging me away and into a crowd of people. All the hockey team is here, so I loosen up and start dancing with them, hopping when they jump because I’m still worried about hurting my ankle again. I want to hug whoever is in charge of the playlist because all our favourite songs play and I’m having the time of my life.
Every time I look at Noah, he’s staring straight at me, a small smile on his face. Josh stands next to him, his focus on us, too. I see Josh’s mouth move as he speaks, but I can tell Noah isn’t paying attention to him. I definitely don’t care about anything that’s happening around me right now.
“Five minutes!” someone yells, and everyone cheers.
I excuse myself from the girls and go over to Noah. I only want to be with him when the clock starts counting down. When I reach the two of them, Josh and Noah do some kind of bro handshake and then he leaves us alone.
“Did you have fun?” he asks when I’m in front of him, and I reach over to take his hand in mine.
“I did. I hope Josh didn’t annoy you too much.”
“I think I annoyed him more trying to get the story of how he fell in the pond. He still hasn’t told me.” Noah feigns annoyance and he looks adorable.
He smiles down at me, his head tilted to the side slightly, and he looks so pretty.
Noah holds out the water bottle in his hand to me, and I don’t even remember losing mine. I take it from him and drink down half of it before handing it back to him. He takes a sip, his lips pressed against the same spot mine were just mere seconds ago. I watch the movement of his throat as he swallows it down, and I don’t know why it has me so flustered.
“One minute!” a voice shouts in the distance.
“Do you want to find the girls?” Noah asks, and I shake my head.
I just want him .
Everyone starts counting down from thirty. I step closer to Noah, my shoes in between his until our bodies are close together. Noah keeps his eyes fixed on mine as the numbers get lower.
There’s a hum of anticipation in the air, our gazes heavy as we track each other’s features. His tongue peeks out to run across his bottom lip and my eyes catch it immediately. He dips his head closer to mine, one hand coming up to cradle my cheek, the other under my jaw. His lips brush against my cheek.
I turn my head away from him, the countdown still going.
“You don’t want your first kiss to be like this,” I admit to him, leaving out the part where I think he deserves so much better.
“What if I do want it?” When I look at him again, his face is sincere. “Is that okay?”
I nod, whisper a quiet ‘yes ’, and then his lips are on mine.
It’s unlike any other kiss I’ve had. Sparks light me up from the inside to match the fireworks exploding above us. Noah tenderly holds my face between his hands, angling my jaw up so he can deepen the kiss. It feels like he’s the only thing keeping me grounded right now, because I feel weightless, like every sense in my body has ascended to a higher plane. I want to kiss him for the rest of my life.
He pulls away but stays close enough to press his forehead to mine. His hands still cradle my face as his thumbs run across my cheeks.
“Happy New Year,” he whispers so quietly I can barely hear him over the noise that suddenly comes flooding back in. It all disappeared as soon as he kissed me.
“Happy New Year,” I repeat.
When I look at him again, I finally see the smile I’ve been waiting for, and it makes my heart burst. Noah’s entire face lights up, pure happiness displayed on it like I’ve never seen before. The dimple on his left cheek stands out, his mouth pulled wide as he beams down at me. I want him to smile at me like this forever.