28. Noah
28
NOAH
I never thought about what my first kiss would be like, but I think that’s just because I hadn’t met Izzy yet.
I didn’t really understand when people talked about getting butterflies in their stomach, but as soon as her lips touch mine, I can feel a whole swarm of them. Every single thought escapes my mind, and all I can focus on is her .
The way her face feels in my hands, her cold cheeks pressed against my warm hands. The softness of her lips and the taste of cherry lip balm will have me never looking at the fruit without thinking about her. When her forehead presses against mine, I feel like she can hear all my thoughts, the words I haven’t said but so desperately want to.
“Happy New Year!” Amelia’s voice breaks through the bubble we’re in, and Izzy puts the tiniest space between us so she can look at her friend.
It was just a kiss, but my heart feels like it’s about to beat out of my chest with how fast it’s racing. I don’t take in anything either of them are saying, only focusing back in when Izzy squeezes my hand.
“I’ll be right back, okay?” she says, and I nod.
She lets go of my hand, giving me a bright smile before she walks off with Amelia.
I don’t know how long I stay standing there, unmoving. My mind is still entirely consumed by the fact that we finally kissed. It’s been building up for weeks now, but the reality is so much better than anything I ever imagined. I press my fingers against my lips, feeling completely transformed just by the simple act of hers against mine. I want to do it again and again, test out whether it feels like that every single time.
The vibration in my pocket brings me back into the real world.
Ravi
Happy new year!
I don’t know what possesses me, but I call him. He doesn’t answer right away, but he mentioned going to a party, too.
“Noah! Happy New Year!” Ravi says again, the muffled sound of music and people slipping through the speaker.
“I just kissed a girl,” I blurt out.
“You what?”
“I kissed someone,” I repeat.
I want to say it over and over until it feels real because at this point, I think I might be dreaming. It’s too good to be true.
Ravi doesn’t say anything, and although I can hear the party in the background, I pull my phone away from my ear to make sure it’s still connected. I hold it back up, listening intently as the noise dims.
“Okay, wait, I’m hiding in the bathroom. Did you just say what I think you said?”
“I kissed her,” I say again.
“Who?” He asks, and I realise he probably thinks I’m losing my mind.
I haven’t told Ravi about Izzy. It felt embarrassing to mention the fake dating scheme, considering it was born out of me being picked on by pretty much everyone in our year. I thought talking about her would make it worse when we ended it and never spoke again.
But I can’t help it now. This thing between us has to be real, she has to feel the same way I do, or we wouldn’t have kissed.
“There’s a girl in my class, and I don’t know what’s going on with us, it’s a long story that I’ll tell you another time, but I just kissed her.”
It comes out as one long rambling sentence. My mouth can’t keep up with all the thoughts running through my brain. Thoughts of kissing her again, of knowing she feels as deeply for me as I do for her—thoughts of a future together.
“You must really like this girl,” Ravi says, amusement in his voice.
“She’s amazing. The prettiest girl in the world. And God, she’s so smart. I wish I could see her brain. She’s funny, too. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much in my life. Whenever I’m around her, it feels like nothing else matters, like I don’t have to worry about anything at all.”
“Noah, my friend, you are in deep,” he laughs.
I really am.
“I’m glad you’ve met someone,” Ravi continues. “You deserve to be happy.”
For the past few months, I’ve felt like I don’t deserve anything good to happen to me. I thought that I’d have to suffer the consequences of my actions for the rest of my life, that I wasn’t allowed to find joy anymore. But hearing those words from him, I finally believe it.
“Thanks. I really needed to hear that.”
“I want to hear more about this girl. But not right now because I think someone is going to kick this door down if I don’t get out.”
Now that he mentions it, I can hear the faint sound of banging and yelling from his side of the phone.
“I’ll talk to you later,” I tell him.
A gentle tug on my arm has me hanging up the phone before Ravi can even finish saying goodbye.
“I’m all yours for the rest of the night,” Izzy says, and her eyes look like they’re sparkling, like the stars she loves so much are dancing in her eyes.
I wish she was all mine for the rest of my life.
I take her hand, intertwining our fingers together as I drop a quick kiss to her forehead. The smile she gives me lights up the night. I don’t think I’ll ever need to see the sun, moon, or stars again as long as I can see that smile.
* * *
The kiss has replayed in my mind every single day since it happened.
I go to sleep thinking about it.
I wake up thinking about it.
I dream about it.
I dream about Izzy.
We didn’t kiss again that night, but I didn’t mind. The memory of the first one was all I needed to keep me happy for the rest of the night.
Eventually, the party started to die down, and Izzy had already made plans to stay at Chloe’s house because she lived closer. I didn’t want to let her go. I wanted to talk about what the kiss meant, ask her when we could do it again. But then she was being herded into a taxi by Chloe and all I could do was kiss her on the cheek as we said goodbye to each other.
The three-day wait to get back to school and see her again was excruciating. We still spoke every day, but nothing compares to actually being with her. As soon as I saw her, I wanted to tell her how I feel, get the confirmation that this isn’t one-sided on my part, and maybe even talk about how we could make this work.
But somehow weeks have gone by without a single conversation about it. It’s like all our teachers switched to high gear, loading us up with homework and revision to get us prepared for final exams. I’ve never had to study so much in my life.
The main issue with that is that I haven’t been able to spend as much time with Izzy. Before Christmas break, we would study together, but now her friends want to spend more time with her so they can revise. I don’t want to intrude on them more than I already have, so I leave them to it.
We still talk every single day though. I make sure to get to homeroom early so I can be there as soon as she arrives, and I cherish the time we spend sitting next to each other in every class we share.
Izzy still insists on showing up for every one of my practices too, even though I’ve told her she doesn’t have to. She quit hockey as soon as we got back to school, and it was like I could physically see the weight being lifted off her shoulders. Since I stopped showing up for her in that way, I expected her to do the same, but she’s there every week.
She’s on the sidelines right now as Luke goes over the final details for the France trip on Saturday. When I turn my head to glance over my shoulder at her, she waves at me, as if she hasn’t been there for the past hour. She looks ridiculously cute, wearing another hoodie of mine that I gave to her, and I have to look away so that she doesn’t see the red on my cheeks.
“You all need to be in the car park by six AM. If you're late, the bus will leave without you. And please don’t forget your passports, or I will leave you at border control.”
“Mr. Reid, is he allowed to say that?” Josh pipes up next to me.
Our teacher just sighs from where he’s standing behind Luke, his head in his hands.
“Lucas, stop threatening the children. We will not leave you behind,” Mr. Reid reassures the team, as Luke throws his hands up in the air.
“Noah, do you feel like I’m threatening you?” He asks me, and I just stare at him. “Okay, well, I’m not.”
I hear Izzy giggle from behind me, and I have to stifle my own.
When Mr. Reid and Luke have finished talking and they dismiss us, I make my way over to Izzy immediately. I throw my arm over her shoulder, and she reaches up to take hold of my hand as we make our way up the stairs.
“Can’t believe you’re abandoning me to go to France,” she jokes.
“Let’s see if we can sneak you into my luggage. Or maybe we can ask Luke to bring you along as a cheerleader.”
“Gross. The only person I want to cheer for is you.”
I drop a kiss to the top of her head, not even bothering to hide my smile as she plays with my fingers.
Nothing that we’re doing feels fake anymore. I couldn’t even tell you if there was anyone watching us right now because she captures all my attention. All these little touches and comments are just for us.
Every day, I get closer to telling her how I feel, but I can never seem to find the right moment. I’m leaving the country for two weeks, so I can’t unload all of this on her when we won’t see each other for a while.
“When are you going home?” I ask her as we reach her building. I hold the door open, and she ducks from under my shoulder to stand in front of me. She takes my hand in hers as we walk to her room.
“Saturday afternoon. I wanted to say goodbye to you before I left.”
“It’s an early start. You don’t have to do that,” I tell her, running my thumb across her knuckles.
“I want to. And I can just go back to sleep after.”
I look down at her and see the smile that lights up my whole life.
We’ve reached her room now, but I don’t want to leave her. I want to spend as much time as I can with her. It’s already the middle of February, and there’s a voice in my head that tells me our time together is running out.
“Do you want to watch a movie?” she asks me.
I don’t hesitate to say yes and follow her into her room.