29. Izzy
29
IZZY
Maybe I shouldn’t have told Noah I would say goodbye to him at the bus because it feels like I’ve been hit by one.
He ended up staying in my room until midnight. We lost track of time while watching movies and talking, and it was only when he got a message from his grandad that we realised how late it was. Thankfully, he managed to sneak out and get back to his own room without being caught.
I’ve snoozed my alarm as much as I can, but there’s no putting it off any longer, so I drag myself out of bed. I spend a couple minutes trying to make myself look as put together as possible. After pulling on Noah’s hoodie, I put the hood up to cover my unbrushed hair, tightening the strings so it fits around my face. I look ridiculous, but I don’t have the energy to care. Noah has seen me in all sorts of states and still thinks I’m pretty.
My feet drag as I leave my room and make my way to the car park. Most of the football team is already standing around, loading their bags into the luggage storage.
“Miss Evans, what are you doing here?” Luke says as he saunters over to me with a smirk on his face. It is far too early to be dealing with him.
“Don’t talk to me.” I hold my hand up to his face, and he pushes it away before leaning in closer to me.
“Things must be getting pretty serious with lover boy if you’re up at this time for him. Do I need to have a conversation with Isaac?”
“About what?” I tuck my hands into the pockets of Noah’s hoodie, tilting my head to the side and staring Luke down as best as I can.
“So he can do the whole protective older brother thing. Tell Noah he’ll kill him if he breaks your heart, all that fun stuff,” Luke says, with a grin on his face. He’s getting too much joy out of this.
“Isaac is scared of spiders. Who exactly is he killing?”
“I’m just saying.” Luke holds his hands up. “Maybe you two should have a conversation about this. He could give you some advice on what worked for him and Violet.”
“I don’t need any advice. We’re just…taking it one day at a time.” It feels like a huge understatement, but I don’t know how else to describe what we’re doing.
“If you don’t want to talk to him about it, I’m here, too. I like Noah, but I also remember being your age. It’s a weird time for both of you.”
“You and Jinhee managed to stay together.”
At the mention of his girlfriend, he smiles.
“That’s different. We knew each other for years before anything happened. You’ve only known Noah for a few months. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I won’t,” I tell him, and try to convince myself, too.
I trust Noah, but Luke is right. We haven’t known each other long enough to make any big decisions about our relationship. But I like him so much . I want to at least try.
“Izzy.”
Noah’s voice draws both of our attention and Luke claps me on the shoulder before walking past me to check in on the other students.
“Thanks for coming,” he says as he looks me up and down. A small smile tugs at the corner of his lips as he plays with one of the hoodie strings. “You’re so pretty.”
I swat his hand away, feigning annoyance, but my smile betrays me.
“The sun isn’t even up yet. This is a silly time to start a trip.” I shiver as a breeze drifts through.
Noah steps closer, drawing me into his arms as he hugs me. He runs a hand up and down my back, warming me up as I bury my face in his chest.
“I’m going to miss you,” I tell him, my voice muffled.
It’s easier to say these things when I’m not looking at him. Easier to bare my heart when I don’t have to worry about seeing any sign of rejection on his face.
“Me too,” he sighs, loosening his hold on me.
He raises one hand to my face, cradling my cheek so I can look up at him. I catch the moment his eyes move to my lips, and I don’t give it a second thought before I lean up, pressing my mouth to his for just a second.
We haven’t talked about the kiss on New Year’s or done it again. I’ve wanted to so many times though. But then Noah stares down at me, his mouth slightly parted, and I’m worried I’ve done the wrong thing.
“Was that okay?” I ask him, as I try to step out of his grasp.
He doesn’t answer with words. Instead, he pulls me closer, dropping his face to mine as he kisses me again. It feels like the first time all over again, and I wish we could stay here like this forever. But I’m all too aware that he’s about to leave for two weeks.
When we separate, I place my forehead against his chest, my mind racing.
“What are we doing, Noah?” I ask the question that’s been at the forefront of my mind for the past few months.
“I don’t know,” he whispers. He rests his chin on the top of my head, his arms folding around me again. “But it feels right.”
It does. It feels so right, and that’s what scares me.
“He’s not going to war. You’ll see him soon.” Luke ruins the moment by appearing behind me, and Noah lets go of me so I can face him.
I do the only rational thing I can think of and turn around to punch Luke in the arm.
“Leave us alone,” I tell him sternly, and he walks away limping. I didn’t even kick him.
Noah takes my hand, intertwining our fingers together as he fights to hide his beautiful smile. He lifts our joined hands and kisses the back of mine.
“I don’t know what we’re doing, or where we go from here,” he says, dipping his head closer to mine and focusing his gaze on me. “But everything feels right with you, Izzy. I like you a lot. But I’m scared that I can’t be enough for you.”
I barely have time to feel the happiness of his confession about liking me, because his following words shock me. How could he ever think that?
“You’re more than enough, Noah. I like you, too. A lot. And I’m more scared than I’ve ever been about anything. But I think we can figure it out.”
He kisses my cheek, lifts his free hand to cradle the other one, and all I can do is smile at him.
“Alright, boys, it’s time to go,” Mr. Reid shouts.
Noah doesn’t look away from me for even a second.
“We can talk about it when I get back. Is that okay?”
“Yeah,” I tell him, and hope he can’t hear the waver in my voice.
As much as it hurts, I know it’s for the better. We can’t make any big decisions when we won’t be seeing each other for two weeks.
“I’m not sure what the schedule is like yet, but I’ll call you every night, okay?”
“Okay.”
Noah doesn’t say anything else. He kisses me again, just like on New Year's, and I sear the feel of it into my brain to keep me going until I see him again. He squeezes my hand tightly before letting go, and I miss him already.
He walks toward the bus, his luggage already loaded up, and climbs onto it, taking a seat near the window. Noah keeps his eyes on me the whole time, waving at me as the bus starts moving and he leaves.
When I get back to my room, I collapse on my bed, but sleep evades me. Our conversation plays over and over in my head.
Noah likes me, and I like Noah. It should be as simple as that, but we both know it isn’t. I can’t ask him to make any kind of commitment to me when I don’t even know what I’ll be doing in a few months. He’s got everything figured out, and I can’t take any of that away from him by being a distraction.
I toss and turn in my bed until just after midday, before my phone rings. I know it won’t be Noah, but that doesn’t stop the disappointment I feel when I see Violet’s name instead. She tells me they’re half an hour away and to start getting ready. I packed my bag last night after Noah left, thinking that I would be fast asleep all morning until they arrived. But it’s been hours since I said goodbye to Noah, and I haven’t slept a wink. All I can think about is him.
When Isaac and Violet arrive, they must see the dark circles under my eyes because neither of them tries to speak to me, and I’m glad for it. There are a million thoughts in my mind and I need to figure them out before I start talking and spilling my guts to them. There’s no more time to avoid having a conversation about what I’m doing once school ends.
And now, I want to tell them about Noah, too. I want to know what they think I should do because he’s got his future planned out while mine is still hanging in the balance.
I sleep for the entire drive. When we get home, I go straight to my room without a word to either of them. I fall asleep, hoping that I’ll wake up to a text from Noah.
* * *
My room is pitch black when I open my eyes. I’ve slept the whole day away. I quickly grab my phone to check it, and his name is the only one I pay attention to.
Noah
Just got to Dover
Luke was sick on the ferry and I had to look after him
Wish you’d given me a heads up that he acts like a baby
On the way to Paris now
The last message was sent about four hours ago, so I think they’re just about to arrive at their hotel.
Izzy
Sorry, I slept all day
It doesn’t take ten seconds before my phone starts ringing.
“Hey,” he says, and I miss him.
“Are you at your hotel yet?”
“We checked in about half an hour ago. Even managed to get my own room, so I don’t have to worry about bothering anyone while I stay on the phone with you all night.”
I wish he could see the smile on my face right now.
“Anything on the agenda for tonight?” I ask him. Now that I’m speaking to him, I don’t want to hang up.
“A few people are going out for dinner, but I ate a lot of snacks, so I’m not hungry. I’m yours until you fall asleep.”
“Good.”
We don’t say anything for a while, and I can hear a faint rustling in the background.
“What side of the bed do you sleep on?” he asks me. It’s not a question I’ve ever expected.
“The left,” I tell him, not sure where he’s going with this.
“Perfect. I love sleeping on the right.”
“Are you getting into bed already?” I ask him, settling back down under my blanket.
“I’ve got nothing else to do but talk to you. At least this way I can pretend you’re next to me.”
I close my eyes, imagining what it might be like to share a bed with him. It’s like I can feel the dip of the mattress next to me, a phantom Noah laying right beside me when he’s really hundreds of miles away.
“This is nice,” I tell him, but I can feel the sting of tears in my eyes.
“It is,” he whispers.
We lay in silence. I let myself imagine what kind of life Noah and I could have together if we actually gave it a shot. I imagine coming home to him, sitting at a small table while we eat dinner together. I imagine going to bed with him, falling asleep to the sound of his heartbeat and waking up to it, too.
But then I realise that’s not the future that’s meant for me. Even if we did try, he’d get tired of me eventually. He’d realise I’m disorganised and messy and have no clue what I’m doing with my life, and he’d grow to resent me for that.
I have this time with him, and I need to appreciate it for what it is—a fleeting but life-altering moment with a wonderful person.
I try to hide my sniffle, but Noah catches on instantly.
“Don’t cry, pretty girl. I’ll be back soon,” he soothes, his voice gentle.
“It’s just…”
How much can I tell him without it being too much? How can I tell him that he feels like the only steady thing in my life right now? That when I imagine my future, the only sure thing is him.
“I know,” he says, and I trust that he does.
Noah distracts me by telling me about his journey, complaining about Luke mainly, and it’s enough to settle me. We talk about whatever topics come to mind until the moon is high in the sky.
“Can you see the moon?” I interrupt him, not even sure what he was talking about. I just enjoy listening to his voice.
“I can.” He knows where I’m going with this. “Only thirteen days until we can look at it together.”
“Thirteen days.”
“It’ll fly by.”
We watch the stars together, and I imagine Noah lying next to me the whole time.