30. Izzy
30
IZZY
Noah and I talk every single night.
No matter how tired he is, he always calls me. He tells me what matches they played that day, what he’s been eating, and the sights he’s been seeing. He also likes to add whatever antics Luke has gotten up to that I relay to Isaac, who just rolls his eyes.
I told him and Violet about Noah a few days ago, once they realised I was hiding myself away every night. Violet said it reminded her of when she was younger, how she and Isaac would constantly stay on the phone all night with each other.
I started from the beginning, telling them how Noah sat next to me on the first day. I told them that the others weren’t being nice to him, that Ryan was annoying me, and that somehow, I came up with the idea of a fake relationship fixing our problems. I told them it’s not fake anymore, that it’s turned into something neither of us has put a name to.
They’ve both said they want to meet him when he comes back, and when I told Noah about it, he agreed. He said he was looking forward to meeting my family, considering how much I talk about them.
Even though I spoke about all of that with them, I still haven’t had a conversation with Isaac about my future. I know I need to do it now though, before I call Noah and disappear into that space, we both go to at night.
I didn’t submit a single application for university. Amelia and Chloe both did theirs a few weeks ago, and I was so happy to be part of that moment with them. I thought I’d feel regret as I watched them, but there was nothing like that. I’m confident that it wasn’t the path I was meant to take, but I’m still not any closer to figuring out what I’m doing once school ends.
We’re all sitting on the sofa together watching Howl’s Moving Castle , Isaac’s favourite movie. Every time I force him to watch Scream , he makes me watch this, but I think it’s a fair trade. Violet gets a call from her mum, so she excuses herself and goes into their bedroom, leaving Isaac and me alone.
“Isaac, can we talk?”
He turns his head away from the screen to look at me. I try to keep my face as neutral as possible, but Isaac knows me too well. He pauses the movie and turns his body to face me completely.
“Is everything alright?” he asks, concern lining his voice.
“Please don’t be mad at me,” I whisper, staring down at my hands in my lap.
“You’re worrying me now. What’s going on?”
I take a deep breath, locking my fingers together, as I prepare to say the words I’ve been practicing over and over with Noah the past few nights.
“I’m not going to university,” I say before I can think about it too much.
Isaac doesn’t say anything, and when I look at him, he blinks, the concern in his face slowly changing into confusion.
“Why not?” he finally asks.
“There’s nothing I care about enough to keep studying it at that level. Every time I thought about being in school for another three years, it sent me into a spiral. I’ve been doing the bare minimum all year to maintain my grades, but it is exhausting.”
Isaac stops my rambling with another question.
“So what do you want to do instead?”
That’s the biggest question, and the one I don’t have an answer for.
I shrug, not able to tell him out loud that I haven’t even thought that far ahead. Panic finally sets in when I realise what I’ve actually done. I should have applied for something, at least had it as a backup plan I could cancel at any time. But instead, I’ve got nothing to fall back on.
“Let’s think this through. I’m guessing you didn’t submit anything on UCAS?”
I shake my head, chewing on the inside of my cheek. Isaac nods, his eyes wandering to the ceiling as he tries to figure out what he wants to say.
“It’s still not too late if you want to. We can go through clearing when you get your results back,” he says, logical as ever.
“I don’t want to do that,” I tell him.
While clearing would let me apply for university once I’ve gotten my results back, it’s still not the route I want to take.
“That’s okay, there’s other things we can look into. We’ll figure it out,” he says, placing a hand on my shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze.
“Aren’t you upset?” I ask.
I expected him to be more annoyed, to say that I shouldn’t waste my education or something like that.
“Are you?” he throws back at me.
I shake my head. The day after the deadline passed, I thought I would be frantically emailing to try and see if it wasn’t too late to apply. But instead, I felt relief. It was over, and I’d made my decision.
“Why did you think I’d react badly to that?” he asks me, a tinge of hurt in his voice.
“Because you’ve made all these plans with Violet for when I move out. I don’t want to keep being a drain on both of you when I know how expensive it is to live here.”
“What are you talking about?” He stares at me like I’ve grown two heads.
“I heard you at Christmas,” I confess. “You and Violet were talking about money. I heard you saying it was getting more expensive to live here but it’ll be okay once I leave and go to university. I don’t want to keep being a burden to the both of you.”
“Izzy, have I ever asked you for a single thing?” he questions softly.
I try to avoid his eyes, staring back down at my hands instead, but he ducks his head and forces me to look at him.
“Have I?” he repeats.
“No,” I whisper.
“So why do you think you’re a burden?” he says, and there’s a strain in his voice as he says it. “Do you think I regret anything I’ve done for you? That I did it so that you would owe me something? You’re my sister, Izzy. All I want is for you to be happy. I don’t care how much it costs me or what it takes. I’ll sacrifice anything for that.”
“But I don’t want you to have to give stuff up for me. You should put yourself first.”
“You and Violet are both my top priority. You come before anything else in my life, even me. I can’t change that even if I tried.”
My eyes go blurry, and I try to hold back the tears that threaten to fall, but I can’t.
“I don’t want to disappoint you,” I tell him quietly, voicing my biggest fear.
“You could never, Izzy. I don’t care if you don’t want to go to uni. Whatever you want to do once school ends, I’ll support you.”
When I finally work up the courage to look at my brother, there’s a glassiness to his eyes, and he’s wearing the sad smile I rarely see anymore.
“If you want to work, that’s fine, I’ll help you find a job,” he continues. “If you want to travel for a bit, I can help you with that, too. Whatever you want to do, we’ll figure it out.”
“I should work so I can help you pay for rent and bills,” I hiccup, swiping at my cheeks.
“I’m never taking a penny from you,” he says, affronted like I’ve said something completely ridiculous. “Neither is Violet. We don’t expect that from you. And I hate that you heard us talking about money, but that’s nothing for you to worry about. We’ve got savings, we both work, we’re comfortable.”
“But I should help. I’m going to be an adult.”
“Being an adult is terrible!” he says, and it gets a laugh out of me. “The only way you can help me is by being happy. Let me take care of the rest, okay?”
All I can do is nod, words failing me. I don’t know why I expected any other reaction from Isaac. I got so in my own head about what he would think of me that I forgot who he really is. He’s never been anything but supportive, never done anything to make me think he’d ever be disappointed with me.
I consider his words. What do I want to do? The answer comes straight away.
“I think I want to travel for a bit,” I tell him. Isaac doesn’t say anything, just waits for me to continue. “I can work for a bit over summer and save up.”
Isaac shakes his head.
“You don’t have to. Mum and Dad set up a trust for you. It was yours as soon as you turned eighteen.”
“What?”
A trust?
“I had one, too,” he continues. “I sorted yours out as soon as you left.”
He says it like it’s the most obvious thing. But if he did it when I left, then that means he had to do something unbelievably brave.
“You spoke to them?”
“I knew I had to. But you don’t if you don’t want to. It’s all ready for you.”
I haven’t spoken to my parents since that last text from my mum. I was the only one putting in any kind of effort to stay in contact with them, and I got nothing but hurt from it. I assumed it would be the same for Isaac, especially after what they did to him. Knowing that he contacted them and spoke to them just so he could secure something for my future has me crying again.
“Izzy, I never want you to worry. Whether it’s about money, or the future, or anything. Leave all of that to me. The only thing I want from you is to know that you’re enjoying your life.”
I hug him then, because there are no words in the entire world that could express how grateful I am for him. He’s always been my dependable older brother, and I’ve worried so much about him that I didn’t realise he was doing the same for me, too.
He lets go of me when we hear Violet enter the room. When I look at her, it’s obvious she’s been listening in. I hold my arms out for her, and she drops next to me on the sofa, pulling me into a tight hug.
Even if I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, I know I’ve got the two next to me for the rest of it.