34. Izzy
34
IZZY
I keep my eyes closed tight as soft lips press against my forehead. I try to steady my breathing, not move a single muscle, do everything I can so that Noah doesn’t realise I’m awake.
As soon as I hear the soft click of the door shutting close, a shuddering breath leaves me as a month of tears escapes at once. I reach my hand out, searching for someone on the other side of the bed but there’s only the slowly disappearing warmth where he should be.
* * *
When I wake up the next morning, I hope what happened was just a bad dream. I hope I’ll switch my phone on and see Noah's text telling me he’s coming back. I hope that he’ll be right outside my door so we can walk to class together.
That’s not the reality though. Reality is the small blue paper star sitting on my desk, a final gift from him. I force myself out of bed and pick it up, balancing it on my palm as I roll a finger over it. I count the creases in it, can tell which part he folded last, the dent bigger than the others. Curling my fingers around it, I stand up and force myself to get ready for the day.
Each step feels robotic, I brush my teeth, wash my face, brush my hair, get changed into my uniform. I do it all one handed while holding on to that paper star. I tuck it in my pocket once I’ve finished getting ready—I don’t think I’ll ever leave it behind.
When I leave my room, it feels like I’m in a bubble. Every sound is muffled, people move past me in a blur, nothing is in focus. I exit the building, bypassing the dining hall because I can’t even think about eating anything right now, and make my way to homeroom.
I fold my arms across the desk as I take my seat, resting my head on them as I look at the empty space next to me. For a month, I kept hoping Noah would show up. Chloe offered to sit next to me after a week of him being gone but I told her that I knew he was coming back, that there was something in my heart convincing me he wouldn’t be gone forever.
I got what I wanted—he came back. I just didn’t think he would leave again.
Chewing on the inside of my cheek, a horrible thought crawls into my mind. I wish he hadn’t come back. I wish he’d left me wondering, because that would have been easier than having to lose him again after just getting him back. Anger bubbles within me, my eyes stinging as it threatens to spill out, but I clench my jaw, refusing to let it. Instead, hurt overtakes the sadness I felt last night, and I consider why he didn’t feel like he could talk to me about it all when it happened.
I didn’t expect him to tell me straight away of course, but a whole month? And then he just shows up at my door, knowing I’d be too surprised to turn him away. I want to throw something at him, want him to be here right now so I can yell at him, ask him why he couldn’t confide in me when I’ve told him all my secrets.
A tear spills out when I realise I don’t want that at all. I want him back here, right next to me so I can be there for him, support him through this difficult time. I want his hand in mine again, and I want more paper stars from him.
A tap on my shoulder has me lifting my head, and Chloe’s there, looking down at me with sympathy in her eyes.
“Can I sit with you?”
I haven’t told her or Amelia about Noah’s visit last night, but I also have no idea how long he was outside of my door for and how many people saw him. I nod, and she shuffles behind me, taking the seat that once belonged to Noah. She rubs a hand across my back as I press my forehead against my arms, still hoping this is a nightmare I’ll wake up from.
* * *
The day passes in a muffled blur. I don’t listen in any of my classes, I don’t pay attention to what homework is being set or when it’s due, I don’t eat anything at lunch even though Amelia and Chloe get all my favourite foods.
When school ends, my feet don’t carry me to the dorms but instead to the playing fields. The football team are running around the pitch and Luke watches them with his arms crossed, his head moving back and forth as he follows the ball.
I look at the empty spaces where Noah should be. I imagine him running next to Josh as they make secret signs so they know when to pass to each other. I think about him rushing over to me while I wait on the sidelines, taking five minutes to have a sip of water just so he could linger near me. When the whistle blows, my heart speeds up in anticipation, waiting for the moment he’ll find me and we can walk back together. It slows again when he doesn’t appear.
Josh approaches me, a halfhearted smile on his face.
“How are you doing?” he asks, and I’ve never seen him be this serious before.
“Not good,” I tell him, honestly. There’s no point hiding it when it’s obvious to anyone who can see.
“I miss him, too,” Josh says. “I managed to see him this morning before he left.”
“Did he say anything about me?” I’m desperate for anything I can get.
“Just told me to look out for you.”
I nod, biting my bottom lip to stop my chin from trembling. Deep down, I know that Noah cares for me, and that he must be hurting way more than I am. But it still doesn’t stop the ache in my chest at hearing what he said to Josh.
“I’m here if you need anything,” he says. “I don’t know exactly how much help I can be but it’s the least I can do for both of you.”
“Thanks,” I tell him.
Then, Josh hugs me for the first time in our friendship, and it’s oddly comforting.
“I’ll see you later, Izzy. Take care of yourself,” he adds, as he walks away.
I give him a half-hearted wave right as an arm is slung across my shoulders.
“My favourite sister, what brings you here?”
“I’m your only sister,” I say, shrugging out of Luke’s hold. I move so I’m facing him.
“Technically, Violet is my sister now, too,” Luke says. Sometimes I think he forgets that he’s not actually Isaac’s brother. “Answer the question.”
“I came to see you actually,” I tell him, and regret it instantly when a smile lights up his face. “Don’t get too excited, it’s for selfish reasons.”
“What do you need?” he asks, his smile dropping slightly.
“How much Korean do you know?”
“I’m pretty fluent. Why?”
I exhale, wondering how I can ask him without revealing too much.
“Noah came to see me yesterday,” I say. “We talked for a bit and then just before he left, he said something in Korean, but I don’t know a single word of it.”
“Can you remember what it sounded like?”
“Not really, I just know it started with an S sound,” I tell him.
I wish I could recall it properly, but I was too tired to realise what was happening. Noah thought I was asleep so it’s not like I could ask him to repeat it either.
Luke presses his lips together in a thin line.
“There’s a lot of words that start with that, Izzy. If Noah said it last night, I’m sure he’ll say it when he comes back.”
I want to push him for a better answer, but I knew it was a long shot before I even came here.
“Thanks, anyway,” I say, giving him a weak smile. He doesn’t fall for it.
Luke pulls me into a hug, and I don’t fight him on it.
“He’ll come back, Izzy. I know he will.” Luke reassures me.
I nod my head against his chest. I believe he will, too.
“You coming up?” he says as he lets go of me.
“I’m gonna hang around here for a bit,” I tell him, gesturing to the playing fields.
“Alright, well, call or text me if you need anything.”
I nod and Luke makes his way up the stairs, leaving me alone. I let out a heavy sigh, tilting my head back to the sky as I close my eyes.
Noah will come back. I have to believe that.
I drop my head and start heading toward the field that we walked around together the night we decided to give this fake dating thing a chance. It feels like a lifetime ago now.
I walk around and around, recounting that night. I was so nervous. I thought Noah would hate me for even suggesting it in the first place, so it surprised me when he agreed to go along with all of it. Even though I hate how it started, I’m so glad it did.
I pull out all the memories I’ve stored up from these past few months with him. All the times he’s made me laugh by just being himself, how endearing it was when I could feel how nervous he was about even holding my hand.
I think about our first kiss, how it felt like all my dreams were coming true. Everything I’ve imagined about my future felt like it was being realised with that kiss. I thought I’d finally found my person, the one I could call at any time, spend all my quiet moments with and all the important ones, too. I thought it was the start of the rest of my life.
By the time I come back to the present, the sun has set and the sky is filled with stars. I stop walking, dropping to sit on the ground with my legs crossed. I tip my head back to stare at the stars, pulling out the constellations that I showed him that first night.
A lump fills my throat, and my eyes start to sting as I finally let myself look at the moon. I fall backward, my hands coming up to cover my face as my shoulders shake, sobs wracking my body. I drop my hands to my chest as if I can reach in and pull out my heart, so it stops hurting.
I look at the moon again and hope Noah is looking at it, too.