35. Izzy
35
IZZY
THREE MONTHS LATER
“Come on, one last time?”
Both of my friends roll their eyes at me, but when Amelia reaches over to take the laptop from me and pulls up Scream , I can’t hide my smile.
Today marked the end of our exams, and even though I’m more than settled in my decision not to go to university, I still thought I’d feel some kind of worry about it. But once that final call was made and we were told to put our pens down, all I felt was relief at knowing that I’d never have to do anything like that again in my life.
There are still a few weeks before we have to officially move out of our rooms, so Amelia, Chloe, and I have decided to rotate between our rooms and have a sleepover every night. It feels bittersweet to know that we won’t ever be this physically close to each other again. I won’t be able to go down the hall to their rooms, or have breakfast with them every day, or annoy them at odd hours just because I’m bored. But I’m glad they’re both going to the same place after this, and that I know there’ll always be a space for me.
“I still don’t understand how you’re not bored of watching the same movie a hundred times,” Chloe says, cocooning herself in a blanket.
“It’s a great movie,” I tell her, even though we’ve had this conversation so many times before. We humour each other every time though.
“Okay, but can we watch Tangled after this?” Amelia says as she clicks around to make the movie full screen before she passes it to me.
I rest it on my thighs so they can see it on either side of me. I’m tucked in the middle of them, and even though I feel like a furnace as the summer months roll in, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I start the movie, and when Casey answers the ringing phone to set up one of the most iconic opening scenes in horror movie history, my mind drifts. I think back to how different it was the last time I watched this movie—with Noah.
I haven’t heard anything from him since he left my room. I’ve thought about texting him so many times, wondered if he’d answer if I called. But I know that I have to leave him alone for now. He told me that he needs time to process everything he’s been through, and I can’t interfere with that in any way, just because I want to be selfish.
I still have faith that he’ll come back to me. I have to believe the promise he made, or else I’ll completely fall apart.
I try to focus on the movie, but with every scene, I’m taken back to that day. It felt like something shifted then, in the quiet of the darkened room as we watched our favourite movies together. I try to disguise the shuddering breath that leaves me with a cough, cover my face with my hands so Amelia and Chloe don’t see the way my eyes have started to water.
I miss him so much.
The movie continues, and for the first time in my life, I don’t pay attention to it. When the credits roll, it barely feels like time has passed. Amelia takes the laptop from me again, and I climb over Chloe to get out of the bed. I go into my bathroom, and I let myself cry again for the boy who changed every part of my life.
* * *
“So, where do you want to go first?” Amelia asks as we scroll through popular holiday destinations.
The three of us are splayed out on her bed. Tonight, it’s her turn for the sleepover, and we’ve spent the past hour bleaching my hair back to blonde again in her bathroom.
“I can’t decide if it’s better to start or finish in Europe,” I tell her.
It didn’t take much convincing to get the two of them to start planning out my travel itinerary with me. When I told them both I wanted to travel, they were more than supportive. Amelia immediately pulled out her phone and started searching for the best ways to see the world, and Chloe went straight to looking at flights.
I asked both if they wanted to join me for any of it, and we’ve decided to do a trip to Portugal together before we get our exam results. But once I’ve got them, I’ll be right back at the airport to go to my next destination, wherever that is.
“Do you want to do one long flight to get to the other side of the world or a couple of small ones gradually?” Chloe asks.
She pulls up flights to Australia, and the minimum twenty-four hours of travelling immediately puts me off.
“Okay, so starting in Europe it is. It’ll be better to start off closer to home anyway, I think,” Amelia says.
She starts searching for the best way to see the most of Europe, and we spend the next hour drawing up an itinerary.
“I wish you guys could travel the whole time with me. Are you sure you don’t want to take a gap year?” I ask them both.
“We’ll have more time for travelling together when we’re older,” Amelia says. “And it’ll be better because we’re older.”
Chloe hums in agreement before she rolls onto her back to face the ceiling.
“I hate that this all has to end soon,” she says.
I look over at her at the same time that Amelia does.
“It’s an ending, but it’s also a new beginning. We’re going to university, and Izzy is going to see the world,” Amelia says as she nudges Chloe’s shoulder.
“I know, but I’m so happy right now. I don’t know if it’ll ever be like this again.” Chloe reaches her hands out to me and Amelia, and we both offer her one of ours.
“It will,” I tell her, squeezing her hand. “We’ve already decided we’re all stuck with each other for the rest of our lives. Just because we’re leaving school doesn’t mean we stop being friends.”
Chloe tilts her head to the side to look directly at me.
“Are you happy?” Chloe asks me, catching me off guard.
“I am,” I say, but not convincingly enough. They both pin me with the stare they give me when they know I’m lying about something.
“You can talk about him, Izzy. It might help,” Amelia says.
We—or I—have avoided speaking about Noah since he left. Even the day after he came to see me, they both knew about it but didn’t ask a single question. I think they’ve been waiting for me to bring him up first, but it feels wrong to talk about him when they never knew the full story to begin with. Now feels like the right time to tell them.
“It was fake at the start,” I begin. I stare up at the ceiling, not wanting to look at either of them as I unravel this web of secrets that I’ve been keeping. “Ryan was bothering me a lot, and people kept spreading rumours about Noah, so I told him we should pretend to date. I thought it would help to make Ryan understand that I was over him, and that people would think Noah was a good guy.”
Neither of them speak, so I continue.
“We planned it all out. We set rules and an end date and took photos so we could hard launch, and everything was just for show. But then, I don’t know what happened. The more time we spent together, the more I realised I did actually like him, and I guess he started to like me, too.”
“I don’t believe that,” Amelia says.
I turn to look at her, my eyebrows creased as I try to figure out what exactly she doesn’t believe.
“Even if it started out as that, I don’t think it was ever fake for him,” she continues. “Izzy, he looked at you like you hung the sun, the moon, and every single star in the sky.”
I avert my gaze back up to the ceiling, hoping that neither of them can see the tears that are threatening to spill out.
“You’ll find your way back to each other,” Chloe says. “It might take some time, but you had something special.”
We really did. I want to believe we still do.
“I can’t sit around and wait for him to come back,” I say.
“No one said you have to do that,” Amelia says. “You can go and see the world, enjoy yourself, and have the best time. And you can still believe that you’ll find each other again.”
“You’re not leaving forever, and neither is he. Maybe it’ll be even better if you give it another shot when you’re both older,” Chloe adds.
I consider their words and see the truth in them. Noah said he needed time to process what he’s been through, and maybe I need that too. We’re just approaching it in different ways.
“He said he would come back to me,” I tell them.
“Then he will,” they both say.
I hold their words close to my heart, and trust in my best friends—and in Noah.