37. Izzy
37
IZZY
The lights along the canal sparkle in the evening light as I search for a place to eat. I spot a small restaurant that seems very clearly targeted toward tourists, but after a couple of hours of travelling, I want the easy option.
I’m shown to a small outside table barely big enough for one person, yet there are two seats for it. When I sit down, I try not to imagine what it would be like to feel a thigh pressed against mine, the warmth of a person sitting beside me as we look over the menu together. I order when the waiter comes around again, and when my food arrives a few minutes later, I take a picture to send to Isaac and Violet.
Izzy
First meal in Amsterdam
Isaac
You went all the way to Amsterdam to eat pizza?
Izzy
I’ll block you
Violet
Ignore him. Eat whatever you want
Isaac
Eat your boring pizza and text us when you get back to your hotel
Izzy
Once I’ve finished eating my boring pizza, I settle the bill and decide to walk around the neighbourhood. Even though it’s getting darker as night draws in, there are enough people and lights around that I feel safe to stay out for a bit longer. When I see a small shop filled with souvenirs, I decide to get a head start on the task Isaac set me of getting a fridge magnet from every new place I visit.
I scan through the selection, settling on one that displays a row of bikes with Amsterdam written below it. Next to the magnets, there’s a rotating case of postcards, and an idea pops into my head. I grab one before I can overthink it, and pay for both items before heading back to my hotel.
I shower and change into pyjamas before I take the postcard out again. It shows colourful houses lining the street above a canal with a few bicycles on the side. I flip it over to the empty side, pull out a bag from my pen, and start writing.
Dear Noah,
I got to Amsterdam a few hours ago. Saying goodbye to Isaac and Violet at the airport was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I can’t imagine what saying it to you would have felt like.
I’m here for a few days in a nice hotel because we both know I can’t be a real backpacker and stay in a hostel. Tomorrow I’m going to rent a bike and just see what I can find around this city.
I hope you’re okay.
Izzy
I cap the pen and place both it and the postcard on the small table next to the bed. I can’t text or call Noah, but I can still speak to him like this.
At first, it was hard to stop myself from contacting him. When exams came around, I wanted to wish him good luck, even though he didn’t need it, because he’s the smartest person I know. I’ve typed and deleted so many messages to him over the past few months.
I want to tell him about my plans, all the places I’m planning on visiting, and the sights I want to see.
I want to ask him if he’s okay, if the pain has lessened for him now, and if he feels better.
I want to ask him if he misses me.
Settling down into bed, I let myself go through the memories we have together. I tap on the photo album that has every picture of the two of us.
I felt too awkward to ask him to pose for photos, so I took them whenever he wasn’t looking. While he played football, or was focused on a textbook, or even when he just spaced out and stared at the wall when we studied together. I wanted to remember every single moment because I knew it would come to an end at some point. I just never imagined it would be like this.
I work back through our history together, eventually making it to our first photos together—the two of us sat on a bench as I convinced him we needed to make our arrangement seem more real. Seeing the way we’re leaning on each other, the smile on our faces, it’s hard to believe that either of us ever thought we’d be able to avoid falling for each other.
I clutch my phone to my chest, pressing down on it above my heart as if it can send some cosmic message to Noah. I hope he hears it and comes back to me.
* * *
Dear Noah,
Made it to Berlin. Amsterdam was fun but a little overwhelming so I’m hoping it’ll be calmer here. There’s a tower here that you can go up and see the city so I’m planning on doing that. Hopefully I can go at sunset and try to catch a glimpse of the stars.
I want to visit the Berlin Wall too. I actually liked history a lot when I was younger, but I lost the love for it somewhere. Maybe I can find it again.
I hope you’re okay.
Izzy
* * *
Dear Noah,
Berlin was fun, but I’m very excited about where I am now. I’m in Prague! One of my favourite book series that Violet gave to me is set here, so I’ve wanted to visit as soon as I first read it. I explored the old town today and it’s as beautiful as I expected it to be.
When you come back, I’m going to give those books to you. It has an epic love story of a boy and girl finding their way back to each other even when life tries to keep them apart. I think you’d like them, too.
I hope you’re okay.
Izzy
* * *
Dear Noah,
I’m writing this outside the Sagrada Familia. I’m going in there in about half an hour, but I wanted to write this to you first because I’ve been staring at it for a while now. I still don’t understand why they haven’t finished building it. It’s stood for so many years but they’re still working on it. Kinda feels like me and you. Just because it’s a work in progress doesn’t mean it isn’t beautiful.
I hope you’re okay.
Izzy
* * *
Dear Noah,
I feel like a failure. I’ve only been away from home for six weeks, but I want to go back. I think I’ve spent all this time trying to run away from myself, but I can’t. No matter where I am, I still have the same problems. I still feel the loneliness that was there before you came into my life.
I want to see the world. But I want to see it with someone that I love.
I hope you’re okay.
Izzy
* * *
Dear Noah,
Writing this on a London postcard when we both live here seems ridiculous, but I wanted to stick to something. I promised myself I would write you a postcard from every city I visited, even if I didn’t send them. So please excuse the egregious telephone box and Union Jack on this, it was the best one I could find.
I’ve been home for a month now. I got a job at a cafe to pass the time because I still don’t know what I’m doing. But I like it here. It’s fun to give some joy to people by just serving them a drink.
And I like talking to people, too. There’s all sorts of characters that come in. I’ll tell you all about them when you come back.
I hope you’re okay.
Izzy
P.S. I still like talking to you the most.