38. Izzy
38
IZZY
SIX MONTHS LATER
“It’s definitely a shape,” Amelia says, staring down at the mug of coffee I’ve placed in front of her.
I huff out a breath of frustration. I’ve been working here for months but still haven’t figured out how to do latte art. Every time my friends visit me, I use their drinks as practice, but it always ends up looking like I’ve just thrown the milk in.
“You’ll get it soon!” Chloe says cheerfully as she pats my hand.
I quickly make her drink, not even bothering to try anything new, and pass it over the counter to her.
“Avery, is it okay if I take a quick break?”
My boss—and Violet’s best friend—scans the room quickly. There’s a few tables of regulars but overall, it’s a pretty quiet Friday afternoon. It’s strange to think that I know who comes here enough to recognise them. When I started working here after abandoning my solo travelling plans, I didn’t see myself staying longer than a few weeks. But I’ve been here for over half a year already, and I can’t see myself doing anything else right now.
I’m in a very fortunate position where I actually like my job. Making a few coffees or serving food might not be the hardest thing in the world, but it makes me feel fulfilled.
I like that I know the old guy who comes in on Wednesdays only drinks cappuccinos and has half a slice of cake.
I like that I know there’s a mother who comes in with her kids after school on Mondays because she thinks they deserve a treat for starting the week.
I like that I can see a love story forming in front of me between a girl who sits in the small corner table by herself every other day and the boy who only used to visit once a week but now matches her schedule. They’ve started talking to each other recently, and that corner table looks a little more cosy now with the two of them there.
It might not be a meaningful job to other people, but it means a lot to me. I enjoy interacting with all these people, getting a glimpse of their lives and being part of it in this small way.
“Sure, take however long you need,” Avery says, and I thank her before rounding the corner to join my friends.
We make our way to one of the tables near a large window, the sun still shining in the sky as summer starts to roll in. Amelia and Chloe sit on one side of the table and I sit opposite them. They’ve got their drinks in front of them, but I’ve already had three coffees since starting work today, and I know if I have another, I won’t be able to sleep tonight.
It took me a while to get my sleep schedule back on track. When I came back home, I spent many nights wide awake staring at the sky and thinking about everything that had happened in the past year, from making the decision not to go to university to quitting hockey, travelling alone for a few weeks, and most importantly, meeting Noah.
That one still feels like a dream. It’s been over a year since we last spoke, since I found him sitting outside my room and then he broke down in it. A year since I held him, felt him underneath my fingertips and knew that he wasn’t a figment of my imagination. A year since I had to come to terms with the fact that I have no idea when—or if—I’ll ever see him again.
“Have Isaac and Violet decided when they’re getting married yet?” Amelia asks, stirring some sugar into her coffee and getting rid of the blob of milk I so lovingly drew out for her. “I need time to prepare.”
“Prepare what exactly?” Chloe says. “It’s not your wedding.”
“Okay, but it’s our best friend’s sister’s wedding?” Amelia says, holding her hands up like Chloe missed something obvious.
“Don’t you mean brother?” I ask her.
“I love Isaac, but I simply cannot be involved in any part of the wedding that Luke plays a part in.”
“He’s not that bad,” I say, averting my gaze as the incident from a few weeks ago comes to mind.
“Izzy, he threw up on me when we all went to the seaside because he somehow forgot that he gets travel sick.” Amelia shudders, the memory still fresh in her mind, it seems.
“Okay, I’ll let you have that one. And to answer your original question, they’re thinking about next year so you’ve got plenty of time.”
“That’s so exciting!” Chloe says gleefully. “I’ve never been to a Pakistani wedding before, they look so fun!”
We talk more about the wedding as I explain to them all the different days and events. I’ve spent so much time talking about it with Violet, and it’s strange to think that they’ll be getting married soon. My brother is finally getting his happily ever after, and I couldn’t be more excited for him.
But the more we talk about it, as my friends comment on how cute their relationship is, I can’t help but think about the boy who I thought I’d get mine with. It’s foolish for me to keep imagining all these things with him, but that doesn’t stop me from doing it. I constantly replay the time we had together in my mind. When it’s late at night and the loneliness feels like a physical ache in my chest, I imagine him coming back to me. But he still hasn’t.
“Josh is around the corner,” Chloe says as she types on her phone.
The two staying together once school ended surprised me and Amelia. I had the weird idea that once my friends moved away, they’d forget everything about their lives before university. I figured Chloe would break up with Josh and that they’d both leave me behind, too. But they’ve constantly shown up for me. They were both at the airport when I decided to come back home and welcomed me with open arms. They showed up on my first day of work so I wouldn’t be nervous, and have made it part of their schedules to visit me at least once a month.
We continue catching up, filling each other in on what’s been going on in our lives since we last met up. Josh joins us a couple of minutes later, dropping a quick kiss to the top of Chloe’s head before he sits next to me.
“Ladies, how are we all doing?” he says, a wide smile on his face. “Have we heard the good news?”
“What news?” Amelia asks him.
“About Noah? He’s coming back from Korea next week.”
My heart drops into my stomach, all the air leaving my lungs when I hear his name.
“Stand up now,” Chloe whisper-yells at Josh.
“I just got here.”
“Joshua, get up now or I’m breaking up with you.”
He stands up immediately, and she drags him outside before I can even catch my breath again.
“Izzy,” Amelia says, moving to sit next to me. “Are you okay?”
A million thoughts are running through my mind, but the biggest one is, why didn’t he tell me? He’s coming back, and the realisation hits me that I didn’t even know he left. I haven’t known a single thing that he’s done in the past year. He hasn’t said a word to me, no messages, calls, letters, or anything to tell me how he is. But he told Josh. He must have been speaking to him this whole time if he’s letting Josh know that he’s coming back.
Did I really mean that little to him?
“Izzy, you meant a lot to him. You still do,” Amelia says, and I’m not sure when I started speaking aloud.
“Then why didn’t he tell me he was coming back?” I ask her, knowing that she doesn’t have the real answer either. I just need some explanation for why he told someone that wasn’t me.
“He’s probably getting ready to tell you, but that idiot has a big mouth. You and Josh had completely different relationships with him. It was probably easier for him to tell Josh before he told anyone else. And I doubt Noah would send that in a text after you haven’t spoken for so long. Just give him a little more time.”
What she’s saying makes sense, and I believe it, too. But a part of me still wishes we hadn’t gone so long without talking. That we could have kept in contact, and I would have found out directly from him.
“Do you really think so?” I ask her, wanting to hear it again.
I need the reassurance that he’ll find me again. But I’m also worried about what seeing him will do to me. I’ve just about managed to figure out what I want to do for the next few years at least, but if he comes back, will that change? Noah coming back can’t be anything but life-altering for me.
“I do,” she tells me. “And I know you’ve already waited so long, but I think you should trust in the Noah you knew before he left.”
She’s right. This is the same boy who came to see me just to explain why he was leaving because he knew it wasn’t something that should happen over a phone call. The same boy who opened himself up to me when it was so clear from the first day that he wanted to avoid doing anything like that. He’s the same boy who folded fifteen paper stars and hung them from the lid of a box so I’d have my own personal constellation to look at whenever I wanted.
I nod as Amelia runs a hand across my back to comfort me. Noah said he would come back to me when he was better, and I still believe that. I’d like to think that I’m better too.
Apart from this small moment of insecurity, I’ve become more reassured in the decisions I make for myself. I don’t regret coming back home, working at this cafe, or still living with Isaac and Violet. I have people around me who love me and accept me for all my mistakes and flaws, as well as my accomplishments, however minimal they might be to others.
Noah helped me get there. He helped me figure out what options were available to me once school ended, reassuring me that quitting hockey was okay if I didn’t like it anymore. He encouraged me to make decisions that made me happy without worrying about what other people think. And I still hold that close to my heart.
When Noah comes back to me, I can’t wait to tell him all of this. And even after all this time, I know he will.