Chapter 6
Meet me at The Winchester Gate
Paddy
Back at my parents’ place, I glance up at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, tempted to put my fist through the glass. Morgan’s expression before she went inside was downcast and sad. The girl I remember, all wild and free, is clearly no longer the woman who remains cooped up in our hometown.
My hands gripping the side of the porcelain sink, twitch with instinct. I should step in. Help. The old version of myself would have known exactly what to say and how to do just that. Now, there is only doubt.
I left. It isn’t my place anymore. Even if it was, what if trying to help opens my wounds?
What if my presence did more harm than good?
It’s happened before, it could happen again.
The urge to stay is real though, burning quietly in my core like wildfire.
But it’s tangled with fear. Fear that my need to intervene might backfire spectacularly.
Closing my eyes, I stand straight, taking a deep breath. My bags are packed, ready to get out of here. Going home and facing the life I built for myself is not something I want to do right now, but I have to.
I don’t buy Morgan’s father thinking he’s doing the right thing by her, dictating her life for her like she’s still a kid.
Somewhere real deep inside me, I know that I could make things better.
But, fear aside, it simply isn’t my place.
Never truly has been. I always just imposed myself because I knew I could get away with it back then. I can’t do that now.
Fi walks into the bathroom unannounced. Her sullen eyes drop to my washbag. “You’re leaving now?”
I look at her in the mirror. “I have to get back to work. Want to be on the road before the traffic gets bad.” I grab my bag and turn to face her.
“Did you even speak to Morgan?”
I bite the inside of my cheek, tempted to say that it’s because of my conversation with her, or more so her father, that I feel the need to bail. I’m too old to be scorned by some patriarch who thinks he knows best. “What do you want me to do?”
Fi sighs. “I want you to stay.”
I tip my head back, guilt gnawing in the pit of my stomach. “We’re not kids anymore, Fi.”
“You know, every morning, I run past every house in this village. Every day, I see the same old faces before I go to work. And every morning, I know when I run past Morgan’s, there will be no lights,” she explains.
“What are you getting at?” I ask impatiently.
“This morning, her light was on, and not only was it on, she was up.”
“Fi, you shouldn’t be looking through someone’s window. People get arrested for that shit.”
“She was up, Paddy. She had a purpose today. And the only thing that’s different here is you.”
A sudden mix of relief and warmth hits me. Her words healing the small part of me that I’ve hidden. Still, I can’t stay. “Fi—”
“Don’t you get it?”
I hold my tongue, turning my attention to the door. “I get that curly fries had a crush on me when we were kids. I wasn’t blind. But none of that changes anything. We’ve all moved on.”
“Not all of us.” She looks at me all wide-eyed.
Dropping my chin to my chest, my stomach roils, defeated. “I have to go.” I stride past my sister, reassuringly squeezing her shoulder as I pass. She doesn’t react. Doesn’t say a word.
I’ve ignored coming back here countless times; leaving should be easy. But as I say my goodbyes to my parents and watch them fade in my rearview mirror, everything inside me screams that I’m making a mistake.
Regardless, I have a mountain of my own issues that I need to address when I get back to the city.
It’s noon by the time I make it to my flat.
The place is still upturned after Hannah left.
Throwing the keys on the side and stepping over the broken glass scattered across the wooden floor from where she was aiming at my head, I go to the cupboard underneath the sink and grab the dustpan and brush.
I was no longer in love with the woman, but it was my fault she left. My fault that she couldn’t stand to look at me without being reminded of that night. The fateful night that clings to me. That no matter how many times I try to rewrite it in my head, I can’t change the ending.
I stepped in because I couldn’t bear to watch things unravel any longer. But his eyes… I watched his expression shift from confusion to hurt, then it was distant. And I knew, before it all played out, that I had done wrong.
I don’t blame her for trashing the place. I took someone dear from her. It will haunt us both.
Even with a million regrets wreaking havoc in my head, it doesn’t take me long to have the place looking half decent. I take a shower and change my clothes before ordering some food. The place is empty. The cupboards bare.
When my phone rings, I answer, slumping down on the sofa with a bowl of noodles. “Hello?” I don’t check the caller ID.
“Don’t hang up on me this time.”
“Tom.” I place the bowl on the small coffee table then sit back.
“You still away?”
“No. Got back a few hours ago.” I check the time pulling my phone away from my ear. “Isn’t today your kid’s birthday, Tom? Why are you calling me?”
The sigh he breathes is drawn out. “I’m calling because we need to talk.”
“Can’t we talk tomorrow at work?” Another sigh, and this time it makes my muscles tighten. “Tom?”
“Look, you and me, we don’t beat around the bush, so I’m just going to go right ahead and say it.”
I sit up straight, heat flooding my face and ears. “Say what?”
“You’re being suspended, Paddy.”
My mouth drops open. My world comes crashing down. “Suspended? On what grounds?” There’s a rush of heat to my face. It’s shame. Confusion. Anger.
“On the grounds that you’re not giving yourself the time to process what happened. You need to take more time; let it really sink in.” His words blur.
I pinch the bridge of my nose, the ground giving way beneath me. “You’re suspending me on medical grounds? Really, Tom?” The uncertainty in my voice stings.
“What we do requires our full attention. You know that better than anybody.”
Which is why I know this is bullshit.
Tom takes a minute before he adds, “Taking time isn’t a bad thing. You need to give yourself a break.”
My face tightens, jaw ticking. “What I need is to be busy.”
“Then be busy doing something for you because it makes you happy.”
I don’t bother telling him such a thing doesn’t exist. I stand and walk to the window overlooking the bustling street below. “Do I get paid at least?”
“Certainly.”
“And I’m guessing you’ll let me know when I can return? I can’t just walk back in when I’m ready.”
“I don’t want to see you here unless I tell you to.”
I press my forehead to the cool glass. I don’t think I can stand my own company and there’s no way I can find enjoyment without distraction. “You think you’ve got it all figured out, don’t you?”
“No, Paddy. I’m knee deep in toddler parties and a day away from a divorce. I’m just looking out for you because you don’t seem to have anyone else.”
“Spoken like a true boss.” I sigh, hating my tone with him.
“Spoken like your fucking friend, Paddy.” He hangs up.
My phone makes it across the other side of the room, crashing to the wall and marking it.
“Fuck!” The air I drag into my lungs makes my head swim.
I don’t like this feeling of helplessness.
It’s suffocating, like a noose around my neck.
Not wanting to feel the weight of my burden any longer, I retrieve my phone, which thankfully is still in one piece, opening up my messages.
Tell me you’re in the city?
Jake: Leaving Stoney Grange now. I have no plans later.
I need a heavy one
Jake: What happened?
Tom suspended me
Jake: Shit. I didn’t know things were that bad
Jake. My friend for fucking years. We grew up together. Moved to London at the same time. Him and Danny are the only two people outside of my immediate family who I trust with my life. We don’t see Danny half as much since he still lives in Stoney Grange, but without them, I’d be fucking lost.
Danny: Who died? Why are you fuckers blowing up the group chat on a Sunday?
Jake: Read the messages, dick
Danny: Oh, fuck. Paddy, what’d you get suspended for?
Jake: He got suspended
Danny: FOR WHAT?
Beers tonight?
Jake: I’ll be there, mate
Danny: I can get the train, but need to be back here tonight
Jake: You sure, princess?
Danny: Eat shit. I’ll be there
Meet me at The Winchester Gate, 7pm
I’m the first to arrive at the pub. Ordering a round, I get our usual and head to the quiet corner at the back. Jake arrives next, shortly followed by Danny.
“You managed to get away then?” Jake asks Danny, smiling into his pint as he takes a large sip.
Danny sips his beer. “Yeah, your mum wasn’t happy she had to stay in bed alone, though.”
“Fucker,” Jake replies. He looks at me placing his glass on the table. “Want to tell us why we’re really here?”
I look up at him. “I already did. I got suspended.”
The pair of them look at each other knowingly. “Yeah, but for what, Paddy? The accident?” Danny asks impatiently. He sips his beer again and places it back down on the beer mat, eyes still on me.
It was poor judgement on my part to assume we could come here and avoid talking about what happened. I knock back my pint in one go, wiping the corner of my mouth when I’m done.
When I look at Jake, his eyebrows almost hit the ceiling. “Jesus Christ,” he says.
“That’s not a good sign,” Danny mutters.
My head turns to him. “Your round next.”
He drops his gaze to his still full glass. “When I catch up, lad.”
I grab my wallet from my back pocket. “Drink up then, princess, you’re about to be two behind.” I get up from my seat and head to the bar.
Not missing the look exchanged and the slight dropping of Jake’s head when I return a few minutes later, I sit, fresh beer in hand.
I start downing it like I did the last, the silence around the table fucking palpable.
“Paddy?”
I don’t stop myself.
“Paddy,” Jake repeats gently.