Chapter 8 Message to my inner self
Message to my inner self
Morgan
You there?
I know you are.
Because I feel you.
See you.
You’re there.
Somewhere.
“What are you writing?”
My deadpan expression lands heavy on Holly. “Words.”
She smirks and feigns interest in the book that’s open by her crossed legs. I know she isn’t really reading it. She hasn’t turned a page the entire time we’ve been up in my room.
Sticking to a silly tradition, we’re hanging out on a Friday night, together.
Turning away from the bay window, I close my notebook. “It’s a message to my inner self.”
Holly checks my expression, fixing her hair. “Can I read it?”
I shake my head. “No. It’s… well, it’s just for me.”
A slow smile pulls her cheeks higher.
“What is it?” I ask.
“I was just thinking about my message to my inner self,” she mimics.
I swing my legs off the cushions, stretching my arms above my head. It’s gone eleven. I really should go to bed. “Well, in that case, I think I’m going to call it a night.”
Holly giggles.
“You staying here or going back to your place?” I ask on a yawn.
“I can stay. But I have to leave early. Got to see a man about a dog.”
“That’s not even funny,” I deadpan.
Holly snorts.
Walking to the bathroom, I ignore her as I pass. I brush my teeth and head back to my room, taking a glass of water with me. “Bathroom’s all yours.”
“Nah,” she says from under the covers of the tail end of my bed. “I can’t be bothered to get out.”
“Disgusting.”
She laughs.
“So, what do you have planned for tomorrow?” I climb into bed and get under the covers.
“I’m going to see my aunt up in Scotland.”
I sit up straight. “How long for?” I try to smile, but inside, I don’t want her to leave me.
“A few days. I don’t know.”
We stare at each other.
“Is she okay?” I ask to be supportive.
Holly and I haven’t really spent any time apart while she’s been studying for her master’s degree. She usually stays up late studying, and I’ve struggled to sleep lately. It’s just become habit for us to keep each other company.
Holly flicks back the covers, the rush of air making the loose strands of hair land on her face. “She needs me to help out for a few days. That’s all.”
“Oh.” I deflate like a slow punctured tyre.
“You’ll be fine without me, Morgan. Anyway, sounds like Paddy’s back for longer this time.”
My lungs quickly fill when I rush out, “What do you mean?”
She turns her attention to me. “I mean, isn’t it weird that he never comes home, like, ever. Then, in the space of a few weeks, he’s back twice?” She gives her head a mild shake. “No, something’s different this time.”
“That’s what Fi said,” I confess, remembering that there was something he didn’t want to talk about the other day.
“Hmm,” Holly muses to herself. “I wonder what it could be?”
I lay down under the covers. “You should ask him.”
“I don’t know. You seem to be getting closer to him?”
“Closer to him?” I lift my head off the pillow, looking at her. “I wouldn’t say that. He tried to pressure me into walking his family pet. It was uncalled for.” My head hits the pillow again.
I don’t need to see her face to know she’s smiling. “Okay. Good night.”
“Night,” I say back with a hint of irritation, eyes wide open, sleep feeling a million miles away.
After a restless attempt at sleeping, I can’t stand to lie in the quiet any longer. I roll out of bed, looking at the clock on my bedside table. “Happy birthday,” I tell myself, feeling no different than I did yesterday. I reach for my dressing gown and slide my feet into my slippers.
When I make it downstairs, the air is chilly. The sun is just beginning to rise behind the tree line at the end of the garden, a beam of light making its way into the kitchen.
Moving into its path, I let it hit my face, taking a moment to myself. I wonder if today I should go outside, perhaps walk or even try and go for a run, you know, something different.
With the idea in mind, I boil the kettle and make a cup of tea, turning to see Holly standing at the door.
“Happy birthday, bestie,” she says sweetly.
“Sorry,” I tell her quietly. “Didn’t mean to wake you. Want one?” I point at the kettle.
“No, I’m good.” Holly smiles. “Did you find your gift?” She inclines her head to a small box on the table.
“What is it?” I step closer.
“Open it.”
I’ve already got the box open. “Holly, it’s beautiful.” I pull out a necklace with an M on it. “I love it.”
“You’re welcome. Now, I hate to love you and leave you, but I have to go.”
“So soon? You sure you don’t want a tea first?” Her leaving feels a little like abandonment.
“I’ll grab one on the road. It’s like an eight-hour drive and I need to get home, pack, say goodbye to my mum and dad. I’ll be back before you know it, though.”
I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat. “Okay.” My tone sounds lost.
She opens her arms and pulls me into a hug. “Sorry I can’t spend your birthday with you.”
My arms remain by my side, completely unsure of how to tell her I want her to stay. “I might have a job by the time you get home.”
Holly pulls back. “You heard from them?”
“They said I’d hear back by today.”
There’s a brief silence between us. “And you’re going to take it?”
The uncertain tone of Holly’s voice makes me look up. “I don’t think I have a choice.”
She sighs. “Yes, you do. But I’ll support you whatever you decide.”
I’m at a loss for words. “Thank you.” We both turn and head to the front door. “Hope you have a great trip,” I say meaning it, at the same time as my heart sinks. We hug again, this time for a little longer. “And thank you for my gift. I really love it.”
“It’s my pleasure. Now, call me every day because I will be bored out of my mind no doubt.”
“I will.” I wave her off, closing the door once she’s driven away. With my head back against the wood, I listen to one of my parents getting out of bed. Must be Mum by the quick pace of her feet.
“Morgan?” she rushes out, making it to the top of the stairs.
“Yeah?” I call back but not too loudly so as not to wake my dad.
“Everything alright?” Her tentative eyes search me.
“Fine. Holly stayed here last night. Had an early start, that’s all.”
Mum sighs a relieved breath. “You scared me.”
My lips pull. “Scared you? Maybe you should go back to bed,” I say with humour in my tone.
She comes down a few steps to get a better look at me, glancing at my necklace. “You sure you’re okay?”
“I’m sure.”
“In that case…” Mum spins and makes her way back upstairs only to come back down a few moments later holding a gift. “Happy birthday, hun.”
I hold out my hands for the present. “Thank you.”
We make our way to the kitchen, and I unwrap the Happy Birthday wrapping paper. “What is this?”
“Don’t be silly, you know what it is.”
A phone. Yeah. “But you know I don’t want one.” I smile loosely, trying to appease her, not wanting to sound rude.
“I know. But what with the new job, I figured this could be a good thing.”
“For who?” I manage to say, my throat tightening.
“For you, of course.” She embraces me, pulling me tight.
“This is… This is really great. Thank you.” My insides crumble like a cliff face.
“I’m so pleased you like it. Dad will be pleased too.” Mum glides towards the kettle, grabbing herself a mug. “Is it today you hear back?”
My slow steps come to a stop near the table. “Yeah. By end of day.”
She beams over her shoulder. “Maybe once you hear we can go for dinner? Cinema, even? Would you like that?”
I can’t use Holly as an excuse to get out of it. “Oh, I can’t.”
Mum turns. “Oh?”
There aren’t enough things for me to look at around the room we’re standing in. So, like an idiot, I say the first thing that comes to my head. “Yeah. Um, actually, I promised Siobhan I would walk her dog for her.”
I’m surprised the mug doesn’t shatter when Mum drops it. “Siobhan?”
My bottom lip disappears under the weight of my teeth. “Yeah. Siobhan. Mrs O’Keefe,” I correct myself, holding out a dismissive hand while I explain myself. “I saw her the other day, after my interview. She bought me a coffee while I held Kevin.”
Mum’s questioning eyes widen. “Kevin?”
“Her dog. Well, puppy, actually. I offered to walk him.”
“You offered to walk Siobhan’s puppy?”
I narrow my eyes. “Am I not saying it right?”
That has her back straightening slightly. Her mouth pops open before she quickly shuts it again. “No. Yes… I don’t know what to say. I’m a little surprised. That’s all.”
Yeah. Me too. “I know.” My teeth grind together, and my feet begin back tracking out of the room. I hate lying to her—to anyone, in fact. I don’t even know why I’m lying.
The idea of the outside world being in the palm of my hand terrifies me. I grew up without a phone. I survived. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t need it.
Everyone has one. Don’t be stupid.
But I’m not like everyone else. I’m just me. Quiet, keeps herself to herself, Morgan. The girl who worries. The girl who’s scared to move on. The girl whose bloody legs are turning to jelly because things are changing unexpectedly.
I watch Mum’s eyes drop to my feet. “Where are you going, hun?”
I reach out and grab hold of the wall for balance. “For a run,” I splutter, cursing myself under my breath.
“A run?”
That’s my second lie of the day and the sun isn’t even fully up. “Yeah.” I try to sound convincing. “Might as well. It’s a lovely morning.”
My feet move faster. My heart rate intensifies.
Mum’s eyes grow wider. “But you haven’t run since… well, since… since…”
I’m out of the kitchen, taking the stairs two at a time. “Don’t worry, if I get tired, I’ll walk.” Which isn’t a lie. I’m not even sure that I can still run.
There’s something about doing something you used to love which you haven’t done in ages, that triggers forgotten memories. I can’t remember when we stopped running, but it’s something me, Holly and Fi used to do together all the time.