Chapter 9 We’re not here to judge
We're not here to judge
Paddy
Unknown number: Does ten work?
Depends on who this is and what you want from me
Unknown number: It’s Morgan Brooks. You gave me your number yesterday
I know. I’m just pulling your leg, Morgs
Unknown number: Oh, I see. Hi, Paddy O’Keefe
You’re sticking with the full name thing?
I quickly press the button to add Morgan’s contact to my phone, selecting a picture of Kevin that I took earlier as her caller ID. I smile as I do it, going back to my messages immediately after.
Morgan: Sorry. So, does ten work?
To do what?
Morgan: For me to come over and walk Kevin
Yeah. That works. I’ll have Evie with me
The dots wiggle and stop on repeat before the next message comes through.
Morgan: You’re coming too??
Kevin’s a flight risk. If he runs away, you might need my help
I’ve stood at the window watching Evie play with Kevin in the front garden for ten minutes. Morgan arrived not long ago and is standing at the gate, one hand shading her eyes from the sun.
Morgan’s got on a pair of leggings, pink welly boots and an oversized white shirt. I can’t help but stare as she laughs at Kevin bouncing and trampling all over Evie who’s lying on the grass.
I press my lips together, turning my head when I hear Fi walk into the room.
She comes and stands by my side. “She looks happy.”
We watch as Morgan lets herself into the garden, closing the gate behind her. Her and Evie run away from Kevin, wide smiles on their faces, rapturous bursts of laughter filling the air. It warms my insides, yet it feels oddly forbidden, like enjoying watching her is somehow against the rules.
Her dad doesn’t want her anywhere near me.
Initially, him laying down the law felt like I’d been slammed into a brick wall.
But confusion changed to hurt, before swiftly becoming anger.
My leaving had nothing to do with him, but everything to do with my fear of fucking up again.
Now that I’m back, he’ll still want me to stay away from her.
“I think it’s sad,” I reply.
Fi doesn’t look at me. “What is?” I hear the scepticism in her voice.
I take a sip of the steaming coffee in my hand as Evie jumps over Kevin, running beneath her legs. “The way she’s smiling like she hasn’t had fun before.”
“Maybe she hasn’t.” Fi shrugs.
I peek down at her. “You live here, Fi. You see her more than I do. You should know.”
Slowly turning towards me, she chastely kisses me on the cheek.
“What was that for?” I wipe it away, making her smile.
“I wasn’t talking about Morgan.”
Feeling exposed, my head lowers, my feelings uncovered.
She makes her way to the door, looking back over her shoulder before she walks out. “I hope you’re here for longer this time. It’s good having you back.”
I’ve been back, again, for almost a full week. The day I left London is still a blur. A picture in my head that I can’t seem to erase. It sits right beside the devastating image that came before it, the one where I thought I was helping.
I wasn’t.
I argued with a man who was in no fit shape to be argued with. I caused a lost man to be reckless in his hour of need.
Aaron, Hannah’s brother, wasn’t a bad man.
He just couldn’t handle life. He sought comfort in the bottom of a bottle, rather than be there for his family like he should have been.
It killed me seeing Hannah so cut up about him that I snapped.
I made the decision to intervene for everyone’s sake, not just my own.
None of us could live with him being the way he was anymore.
My actions got him killed.
Left his kids without their father.
I knew being a paramedic wasn’t going to be easy.
But I worked my arse off to be the man I always knew I was capable of becoming.
After the accident, every patient I helped, every emergency I dealt with, they all got harder to face.
Harder to not let my emotions get the better of me, which is something you can’t do in this line of work.
You have to be able to separate them from reality.
To make matters worse, when I was needed the night at the pub, I froze, completely grounded by fear. I can still hear Jake and Danny shouting at me to help. Can still hear the mother crying for her son. I can’t be like that on the job. People count on me to help them.
So, I listened to Jake, and left London. Came back to the only place I knew I could. Where I feel most at peace.
Hearing Kevin bark, I’m pulled from my thoughts, the blur of my memories disappearing.
Morgan and Evie come back into view.
It’s clear to me that Morgan’s parents are making her miserable. I don’t know why, but I know that they are. There has to be a reason. Parents don’t shelter their kids the way they have unless something’s up.
Now that I’m back, although I still don’t know how long for, I’m not sure that I’m going to let this lie. There’s no way I can be here, around Morgan, and not look out for her. I just have to hope that I’m strong enough not to let my fear get in the way.
I look at her again, seeing the radiant way she interacts with Evie and the pup. Her hair’s loose. The rippling, golden curls fanning around her face.
Evie looks up from her place on the grass, and Morgan holds out a hand for her. I can’t lip read what they say, but as Evie dusts herself off, Morgan points towards the house, gesturing to go inside.
With a start, I turn so as not to get caught intruding, hurrying to the kitchen.
Evie comes running around the corner, skidding to a halt when she sees me. “Uncle Paddy, we’re ready to take Kevin on his first ever walk!”
With a smile, I reach for the lead hanging on the hook. “Okay, kiddo.” It’s nice hearing the excitement in her voice. Kid’s had to grow up fast.
She beams at me, her eyes then zipping to Morgan who walks into view with Kevin by her feet.
“He’s almost ready,” Evie chimes.
My brow furrows. “What do you mean almost ready?” I ask Evie seriously, checking that we have everything we need. “I’ve got the poo bags, and the whistle that only dogs can hear. Watch.” I give the whistle a light blow.
Kevin’s ears flop lopsided on his head, but they prick up when his head twists from left to right.
It makes me laugh. Dumb thing. “See. Only he can hear it.”
Evie laughs at me with a playful roll of her eyes. “No. I meant you. Are you really going out dressed like that?”
I look down at my favourite trainers, blue jeans and sports hoodie. “What’s wrong with how I look?”
She scoffs, her hand covering her mouth.
“Hey,” I say in my defence.
“Come on. Uncles are supposed to be cool. Morgan, tell him,” Evie pleads.
Morgan’s face flushes pink as Evie spins around to face her.
“Tell him he looks odd.”
“Odd?” I question, my fingers tightening around the leather lead in my hand. I’m in my mid-twenties, not approaching my fucking forties. Kid may be cute but I’m not getting called out by her. Not a chance.
“Yeah. Odd.” She glimmers at Morgan, waiting for her response.
Morgan looks like she doesn’t know what to say. Whatever it is, I can tell it will be something to appease both of us. That’s her through and through. Always trying to please everyone.
“Well, I, uh…” She looks me up and down with hesitant eyes. It’s like she wants to look but she’s not sure if she should.
I make it easy for her, holding out my arms, giving her a three-sixty spin. “Go on. Tell me I don’t look good in these jeans.”
Morgan laughs quietly. I watch her lips roll together then scold myself for keeping my eyes on them for far too long.
I shake myself out of my daze when I hear Evie groan with what hopefully is embarrassment. “See. You can’t. Because your Uncle Padster is not only the funniest man you’ve ever met, but the most stylish, too.”
“Funniest looking,” Evie says under her breath, earning another laugh from Morgan.
My hands land on my hips. “What happened to the cute, innocent little three-year-old who used to love my jokes and find me hilarious?”
Evie copies the way I’m standing. Damn, she may be my late cousin’s kid, but she has the same dark features as me. It’s scary how alike we look. “She went out of fashion, along with those shoes.”
I laugh, bewildered at the same time as Morgan says, “I like the shoes.”
Then my eyes are glued to hers. Yep, she’s blushing again. Internally, I am too.
It’s clear to me that she might see me as more.
And I think the feeling is mutual.
And what’s more, I think it always has been.
“And you’re sure we can let him off here?”
I look at Morgan. We’ve made it through the village and out onto the open fields. Kevin is pulling against his lead, driving me nuts, but he only wants to play with Evie, who’s run up ahead.
“Yeah. He’ll be fine. Plenty of open space for him to run off some steam.” I bend down and unclip the lead.
At first, Kevin is none-the-wiser. Me and Morgan share an excited glance, knowing that as soon as he realises, the little tornado will be gone from under our feet.
I become aware in that exact same moment that I’m holding my breath, watching the enthusiastic way Morgan’s eyes widen, and her excitement grows.
She’s glowing. Maybe it’s just being here.
Maybe it’s something more. I haven’t seen her like this since the day I caught the three amigos spying on me.
I chased them once I saw the camera, knowing it was Fi’s idea and one of her usual schemes to get me into trouble with Pops.
I know that most of the shit people thought about me back when we were kids came purely from the lies that Fi spun.
I could feel everyone’s assumptions in the air before anyone spoke.
It never truly bothered me. In fact, I just played up to it during my rebellious phase.
I smoked pot and liked to graffiti on shit.
What kid doesn’t? Out of all the lads at school, I was always the responsible one.
Which is why I can’t accept that Aaron dying wasn’t my fault because I was reckless.
I’ve lost sleep replaying the day over and over, torturing myself, imagining a million different ways I could have handled things.
None of them end well. They just consume me with endless sadness and an overwhelming supply of guilt.
Some days, that guilt eats away at me like a poison rotting me from the inside out.
I see his face when I close my eyes. I hear Hannah’s screams when I told her what had happened.
Eventually, I need to be okay with it, because there is no going back and changing things, no matter how badly I want to.
“Are you regretting your decision?”
I thought I was doing the right thing.
My head tilts. “No. Coming back here was the right thing to do.” Of that I am certain. Jake was right. I need time to process everything. I can’t do that in the line of fire.
Morgan’s quiet when I look at her, but I practically watch every thought she’s got running through her head. And I can tell. “You didn’t mean about coming home, did you?”
She shakes her head, and somehow, I manage to smile, because of course she didn’t mean about me coming home. “No. I meant about the dog.” Alarmed eyes zip over me. “But we can talk about coming back here if you want.”
My mouth pops open, but I’m frozen in place.
Morgan sucks in a harsh breath. “Never mind.” She quickly walks past me.
Giving her no time to get very far, my hand is pulling hers back.
She looks down at the gesture, then up at me. Silent.
“I don’t know if I can talk about it.” Jesus fuck, what the hell am I saying?
The way she’s looking at me makes me feel bad. It’s confusion mixed with worry, two things I don’t like seeing on her. “I’m sorry—”
“No,” I stop her. “You don’t have to apologise to me. I’m the idiot who didn’t show up when he should have.” I glance over her shoulder, checking Evie before I look down into her round eyes. “But I’m here now.”
I get a smile and watch as she relaxes, her hand still in mine. “How long for?”
Evie wails with excitement in the background.
“Until things feel better.” The look on her face is telling. She knows exactly what I mean.
Morgan nods. “I hope things feel better for you soon, Paddy.” With her gentle words, her hand slips from mine.
She backs away, and I ignore the way the loss of her touch makes me feel.
If anything, it proves what a mess I am—to find comfort in something I’ve always denied myself.
I’m her friend’s older brother. What the hell am I thinking?