Chapter 10 Paddy O’Keefe is not a fuck up #2
My heart feels like it’s about to escape from my chest. I didn’t know Paddy had done anything. I only knew that he left soon after without really saying his goodbyes.
Realisation then dawns.
“Is that why Rory disappeared for a while?”
His eyes bounce between mine, always assessing me.
“That isn’t the only reason, no. But he didn’t want to be seen.
I should never have done what I did. My career could have been over before it had even started.
” He takes a deep breath before his hand cups my face, stealing mine.
“But I couldn’t let him get away with hurting you. ”
Nervous heat swirls all over my body. We’re standing so close; I can feel his heavy breaths hitting my cheeks. “How do you know he hurt me?”
He frowns. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Paddy?” My mouth closes, the words drying up as my eyes refuse to look away from his lips. This is all too much.
I’d known that something must have happened for Rory not to show his face. I never knew it was because Paddy stuck up for me. Defended me.
Yes, almost losing my virginity to Rory Lane isn’t something I’m proud of, especially because I know it should never have happened.
He accused me of being frigid when I panicked and ran, and rather than telling him to piss off like a normal person, I let him ridicule me at school.
About five minutes into rolling around the sheets with him, I knew I didn’t want to be there anymore.
When I pushed him off, he tried to carry on anyway.
I was disgusted, but that wasn’t the worst part.
Once I refused to give away my innocence, Rory tossed me my clothes and told me to get gone in such a harsh manner.
Apparently, his mother was on her way home and he didn’t want to get caught.
I knew it was wrong to let him speak to me like I was cheap.
I knew he had done wrong—that we both had made a mistake that night.
I just wasn’t expecting to have to sneak out the back of his house.
The lack of emotion and empathy to make me feel worthless was humiliating.
But I dressed, my body feeling dirty after getting naked with him and made my way home.
It was only after a hot shower did I call Fi and Holly to come over.
I didn’t share the details, just that I had spent the night with Rory and it wasn’t what I had expected.
There was no part of me that ever thought Paddy would defend my honour that way, especially as he never knew what really happened.
Resting his forehead to mine, he whispers, “I’m sorry.”
I swallow. “For what?” My voice is hoarse and laboured.
He pulls back, his hand still on my face, burning a hole right through me. “All of it.”
More confusion rolls over me.
Paddy angles my head towards him. His lips part as he leans forwards. “I should have been your first.”
Oh my God. No, he’s got it all wrong.
The warmth of his words reaches my core. I have a million questions I want to ask; a thousand things I want to say. All of which disappear when he reaches into his pocket, pulling out his phone that’s ringing loudly, breaking the silence.
The image of Mrs O’Keefe flashes on the screen, and I look in Evie’s direction, seeing her sitting on the gate, waiting for us.
Lifting a hand to my face, I brush the tips of my fingers across my lips, imagining the feel of his soft skin against mine. What I think was about to happen is something I’ve yearned for in the past. And it’s just my luck that as soon as the moment arrives, it’s gone again.
“Yeah?” Paddy answers, annoyance in his tone. I look at him, but he steps back, and I’m left with a chill racing down my spine.
I should have been your first.
“You know how much this means to her.” He gestures for me to follow him, his face relaxing sightly when our eyes meet momentarily.
I follow behind him, my mind reeling, seeing Evie up ahead, still waiting for us.
“Okay, leave it with me.” He hangs up, slipping the phone back into his pocket.
“Everything alright?” I ask timidly, wondering if we’re going to ignore our almost kiss and simply forget about it.
“It’s nothing for you to worry about, curly fries.”
I hesitate, but a smile eventually pulls on my face. The moment we shared has most certainly passed, but his sentiment is still in place.
“I’m about to ruin Evie’s day.”
“What happened?”
Paddy stops and stares at me. “Her dad died not so long ago. Had it in his will that she come live with us should anything happen to him.” I must look confused because Paddy continues with, “He served in the Royal Tank Regiment but suffered with illness the last few years of his life.”
“What was wrong with him?”
“Cancer,” Paddy says solemnly. “Evie’s a great kid. Strong,” he adds. “She ended up caring for him, something no child should have to do for their parent. It was fucking heartbreaking.”
I rub a gentle hand on his arm to comfort him. “She calls you uncle.”
Paddy smiles as we venture closer to Evie. “Yeah. We just call each other by family names. I mean, she is family. Her dad was my cousin. His sister, my cousin, Lily, she’s also in the army and never around. Best thing for Evie was to come and stay with us seeing as her mother isn’t around either.”
“Evie said she never knew her?”
He looks at me, eyes wide. “She did?” He laughs to himself. “Well then, that makes you pretty special.”
“How so?”
“Because Evie doesn’t mention her mother to anybody, and I mean anybody.”
My heartstrings pull tight. “Oh.”
“Guess that means she’s blindly put her trust in you.” The gentle nudge on my arm that he gives me alleviates some of the tension that had snaked between us.
Enjoying the comforting way that what he said makes me feel, I nudge him back. “You should advise her against it.”
“Not in your wildest dreams, curly fries.”
“Please, Paddy. Don’t mock me.”
His head shakes as we carry on walking. “I’m not mocking you, Morgs. Evie obviously saw in you the same thing that I see.” I mull over whether he’s waiting for me to ask my next question. Saving me from having to, however, he says, “Want to know what that is?”
“Honestly? I’m not sure.”
Unlike last time our conversation dived to greater depths, neither one looks at the other or stops to read the other’s expression.
“She probably sees someone who like her, feels alone. Someone who, although they know exactly who they are, feels lost by everything around them.”
I swallow harshly, his words hitting home too hard.
“Am I right?”
I don’t meet his eye. “So what if you are?”
“Nothing wrong with it. I guess what I mean is, if you need someone to talk to or anything, I’m here for you, Morgan.”
Yeah right. Paddy O’Keefe is there for me.
But he did try to kiss me and told me he should have been my first time. Maybe he is?
Reaching Evie, my head feels heavy. “Is something wrong?” Her perception is like no other.
“Yeah, kiddo,” Paddy begins. “Fi can’t make it to your competition tomorrow. She said she was sorry, but work called her in last minute.”
Evie’s head drops, before she jumps off the gate, still holding Kevin. “That’s okay.”
Paddy’s feet falter. “What? No crap sticks or bad language?”
“You’re the one with the bad language, not me.”
Paddy opens the gate, letting both of us walk through. “I guess I can sell her ticket back to the club. See if they can get some money for it.”
Evie agrees with a quick nod of her chin before she looks at me, eyes wide with hope. “Unless you want to come watch?”
My eyes dart to Paddy. “Me?”
He shrugs like it’s no big deal.
I met this girl yesterday and now she’s inviting me to a family event. I draw back with confusion. “You want me to take your aunt’s place?”
She giggles sweetly. “Yeah.”
“You are one of Auntie Fi’s best friends, after all,” Paddy throws in.
Evie’s eyes light up even more. “It’s sorted then. You’re coming to watch my competition. Oh, this is so exciting. You’re going to love it!”
Evie runs inside once at Paddy’s, shouting that she’ll see me tomorrow. “And don’t forget to look for my signature move,” she hollers with a quick glance over her shoulder.
I wave, but to her back, turning to face Paddy who’s holding open the garden gate.
“Signature move?”
I wave a dismissive hand. “The scarf hold,” I say cheerily, like only I’m privy.
“Right.” He looks around the open space like he isn’t sure what to say next.
I can tell by the lines branching across his head and the quick tick of his jaw that he’s going to mention our non-kiss.
I don’t want to talk about it, even though I know we probably should.
Regardless of what we should or shouldn’t do, though, the moment has gone.
I save him the trouble of making things more complicated. “Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” I smile, lifting a weak hand to wave.
“I’ll text you a time.”
“Okay.” I turn, and he closes the gate, the sound of the lock clicking shut being heard.
“Morgan?”
I swing back around to face him, the sunlight behind him hitting my eyes. “Yeah?”
“We’re friends, right?”
Everything inside me slips and merges into nothingness. The click of realisation erases all the gaps inside me that I’d filled with hope. Hope that Paddy saw me how I see him; as more than friends.
All the moments I’ve been clinging to don’t feel special anymore. All the things he’s said and done no longer make me feel fuzzy. They just feel, sad. And of course, I can’t blame him for making me feel like this. He doesn’t know how he makes me feel. Not really.
If I wasn’t short of them, I’d tell him to shove the word where the sun doesn’t shine. Friends. Paddy O’Keefe is so much more than a friend.
“Yeah. We’re friends.”