11. Rani
11
Rani
Priya was smiling at her as she handed her a bangle, one that Rani tried to squeeze on to her wrists. But her hands were swollen from the heat and the bangle wouldn’t fit. It was as she was trying in vain to put on the bangle that she woke up with a start.
Beside her Ali was still fast asleep, having one of those miraculous lunchtime naps. The alarm clock beside her said it was 2.30 p.m. She should probably wake him up. But the silence and the peacefulness that came when an active toddler was finally asleep was too hard to disturb.
Rani lay in bed and her thoughts went back to Priya. She wished Priya had been at her wedding, that she’d had the foresight to invite her. Not that she would have come. Priya had made her distaste about going back home clear.
‘I have no interest in sitting around being judged by all the aunties and ignoring the creepy looks from their husbands,’ she had said.
After Rani returned to Australia as a married woman, she and Priya didn’t initially meet. But then they started texting each other and eventually met for a lassi at a small Indian cafe. Priya had commented that Rani was glowing, probably because she was finally having regular sex, and it made Rani blush and laugh at the same time. They spoke with ease and Rani felt again, especially since the divorce, that she was talking to someone who wouldn’t judge her for all that she had done. There was a sense of freedom that came with that and Rani even admitted out loud how she had tried not to think of Tariq on her wedding day.
‘You can think of who you want when you want. No one is controlling your thoughts,’ Priya said. It made Rani feel a little bit better.
After that lassi, Priya seemed busy with her life, but they texted regularly. Sometimes Priya sent her texts at odd hours of the morning. Much like Rani had begun to do recently.
Lying next to a guy who’s snoring like a donkey. Thinking of putting a pillow on his face , she’d once texted at 4 a.m. Rani had discovered it the next morning.
What happened to donkey guy? she replied.
Priya responded a few hours later. Would you judge me if I said I smothered him to death?
Never, but I would tell you to delete your texts in case they be used for evidence.
I knew you were a good friend.
Rani had learnt early on that even though she would have liked to spend more time with Priya, she had to give her space. Priya wasn’t the sort of person who wanted to feel like she was being crowded. But she needed to know that there was someone like Rani there in the background. Just like Priya was there for her.
One day Priya had turned up at her door unannounced.
‘What if I was out?’ Rani had asked her, after she invited her in.
‘I knew you wouldn’t be,’ Priya had responded. It would have been brutal coming out of anyone else’s mouth but Priya was being her honest self. And it was true; Rani had few places to go.
That day Priya had been make-up free, wearing a t-shirt and loose jeans, and was probably her most relaxed self. They’d spent hours together, making tea and then lunch. Talking about what might have happened to the girls they once lived with and how they had all seemed to be at such turning points in their lives when they were in that apartment together. Rani never asked Priya about her work and the men and how she was getting by. She usually waited for Priya to open up about it herself, but that day Priya didn’t speak about any of it.
At one point just before dusk she asked if Rani had any coconut oil. When Rani said yes, she asked Rani to sit on the floor, and sat on the couch behind her. She then scooped out bits of oil into her hands and massaged it into Rani’s scalp.
‘If you focus too much on wanting something to happen it will never happen,’ she said as her fingers ran through Rani’s hair, bringing the oil right down to the tips. ‘Look at me, I never focus on the future or on the past, I just live in the present. Maybe I’m the Dalai Lama himself.’ And she had laughed and so had Rani. Rani thought of how wonderful and intimate it felt to have someone massage your head. It reminded her of home, of her mother and her sister and how they had looked after one another in small familiar ways and not thought twice about it. It was only after leaving them that she realised what she had lost.
‘You once told me to look to the future. The present was something we had to get through,’ Rani told her then.
‘I did?’ Priya laughed. ‘I say a lot of things. Don’t listen to me. My god, I can’t believe you remembered that!’ She shook her head and kept massaging Rani’s head. Rani closed her eyes and let herself sink into the feeling of being cared for.
‘Mama,’ Ali said beside her, shaking her out of her thoughts. Rani looked down at her son to find he’d called her in his sleep. Perhaps he too was having dreams – and his dreams would of course be centred around her, the one person he spent almost all his time with. That made her feel guilty. A child should have a village around them. They shouldn’t have to have all their needs met by the one person. Perhaps in thinking that she was being unfair to Dan, who did spend his weekends and as much of the evenings as he could with Ali. Though did that make up for the lack of a large circle of family and friends who would envelop their son in endless love?
Maybe I should go home . The thought occurred to her not for the first time.
And then do what? Be a bored Indian housewife? Priya’s voice rang in her head.
I’m already a bored Indian housewife , Rani told Priya. Except here I’m also very lonely.
You’ll never be lonely as long as you have me rattling around in your brain.
Rani shook her head. Having internal conversations with a dead friend was a sign she was perhaps losing her mind. She carefully got out of bed, trying not to disturb Ali, and crept out into the living room. Her mobile lay on the dining table and she picked it up to find a text from Sophie, sent half an hour ago.
Did you still want to meet? she’d written.
Don’t you have work? Rani texted back. She didn’t want this woman’s sympathy getting in the way of her job.
Tbh I’m done with this job. Thinking of quitting , Sophie replied immediately.
Ali is napping right now , Rani started typing, and then deleted. Ali probably needed waking anyway so that he wouldn’t be up till well past her own bedtime.
The truth was, she hadn’t had a proper adult conversation since she last saw Sophie and Meena. After she had come home that night Dan was asleep on his side of the bed. She quietly undressed and slipped into bed beside him. She felt his body shifting and when she turned to look at him she could see his shoulders lift a little. He probably wasn’t sleeping, she gathered.
‘I’m sorry if I offended you,’ she said into the silence. He didn’t respond. ‘I hope you know I’ve never done anything like that before. It was a silly thing to do. Priya gave it to me. I had put it in a box at the back of the cupboard. I don’t know why I used it. Maybe because of her. I’ve been thinking about her lately—’
He shifted once more and she sensed that he was getting annoyed by her talk, so she stopped and the two of them lay in silence. At some point in the night she heard him softly snoring, but sleep wouldn’t offer itself to her.
When finally she saw the first rays of the sun creeping through the cracks in the curtains she got up and went to the kitchen to make herself tea. Half an hour later she heard her son calling for her from his room and then, a little later, Dan showering in the bathroom. When he came out of the shower, he grabbed the cup of chai she had made him, drank it in three gulps and got ready to leave for work. Before he left he turned to Ali, gave him a big hug.
‘Be a good boy and I will be back home soon,’ he said, before turning to leave. He didn’t say goodbye to Rani.
She understood that she would need to be punished. That she would have to put up with his silent treatment and pretend as if she wasn’t hurt because clearly Dan was the injured party.
But why? Because you used a freaking dildo? Priya’s words rattled in her brain.
For the next few days Dan didn’t say a word to her. And she accepted his silence and continued to serve him – making his lunch for work, his dinner and his breakfast, even though he often didn’t eat breakfast. On Saturday morning he got up at his normal early hour to get their son dressed. When she awoke she found an empty household and a terse Post-it note on the fridge: Took Ali out for the day . After they got back Ali gushed about how they went to the city and then the aquarium where he saw amazing fish and even a shark! He’d had a good day. She could finally exhale with relief after spending the whole day worrying about where her husband had taken their son. For a dark moment or two she’d wondered if Dan had taken him away for good and the thought had made her head spin so fast she had to kneel down on the floor and take deep breaths.
After she had tucked Ali into bed that night she confronted Dan. He was coming out of the bathroom and she was waiting for him in the corridor. He didn’t make eye contact and tried to move past her, but she wouldn’t let him go.
‘You can’t keep going without speaking to me,’ she said.
He still didn’t look up at her.
‘Why have I offended you so much?’ she asked.
‘Let me pass,’ he replied.
‘No. Not till you speak to me.’ There was a resolve in her voice and he understood that she wasn’t going to let it drop.
Finally he let his eyes meet hers. When he looked at her she realised it had been days since they had even made eye contact.
‘Am I not enough for you?’ he asked.
The answer came to her mind before she could even stop it, casting a shadow across her face.
‘Understood,’ he said, and brushed past her into their bedroom.
‘I didn’t say anything,’ she said as she followed him, closing the door behind her so as not to wake Ali.
‘You didn’t need to.’
‘Please don’t read too much into a silly mistake. Me using a vibrator has no bearing on you or how well you do in bed.’
‘I can tell you I have satisfied a number of women in the past,’ he said, and the words made both of them blush. They had never spoken about their past relationships. He had never even asked her about Tariq, though the unspoken assumption was there, especially the first time they had sex, that she was experienced and he didn’t need to explain anything to her.
She didn’t know how to respond as he sat down on his side of the bed, looking a little deflated.
‘And me too,’ she finally said. ‘You satisfy me too.’
And with that she took off all her clothes. He watched her as she did, his eyes following her as she went and lay down on top of the covers. He let his gaze run the length of her naked body.
‘You excite me. Can’t you see that? I’ve always wanted you,’ she said as she half closed her eyes. This was part of the role she had to play. It was part of the pact she had made when she said she was going to become Dan’s wife. He had to believe she wanted him, as much as she needed to believe it herself.
He approached her softly, taking his time. It was as if his brain was in a tussle with his animalistic self.
When he did finally touch her, his fingers felt gentle, like feathers. They ran up her leg and over the side of her body before coming to her face, stopping when they got to her lips. He was still refusing to meet her eyes and she understood it was his way of showing her he was not going to be won over so easily. She reached up, grabbing his chin in her hands and moved his face upwards, so his eyes had no option but to rest on hers. She could tell he didn’t want to forgive his wife but he also knew he needed to. Plus, it was going to be hard for any man, no matter how upset he was, to give up an opportunity for sex.
With his eyes meeting hers and her fingers still on his chin, she gently nudged his face towards hers. His lips met hers and they shared a soft kiss. Maybe there was no passion behind it on her part, but it still felt good. Soon she felt his heaviness on top of her. He quickly started undoing his pants but she stopped him. Slow down , she said with her eyes. So he did. Instead, while fully clothed, he let his lips explore his wife’s naked body. Kissing her everywhere before finally coming to rest at the point between her legs. She ran her fingers through his hair as he parted her thighs and dove in with his tongue and his lips.
He took his time down there and she appreciated the effort, even though he couldn’t reach the parts of her that would make her briefly forget the here and now. She was always so grounded in the present. She blamed herself; her brain was constantly on guard from what she didn’t know. She wished she could lose herself like she was once able to do. Or perhaps that had just been Tariq. He knew which parts of her could make her leave the present, at times even leaving the Earth, and take her to another dimension where it felt like rainbows were exploding out of her body.
At one point, her fingers still in his hair, she tugged at the strands, indicating he didn’t need to keep going, and when he looked up at her she opened her mouth and closed her eyes showing that she had been satisfied.
This time when he undid his pants she didn’t stop him and as he slid into her she closed her eyes, wanting to shut off her brain and enjoy being with her husband. Instead, as she usually did when she was having sex with Dan, she thought of Tariq. His weight on top of hers, him thrusting inside of her, and the effect was immediate. She felt the tug and went with it, letting herself float into the rainbows.
When she opened her eyes, her body still throbbing with pleasure, Dan looked at her with a smile he could not hide. ‘See,’ he said before he moved off her and fell onto his side of the bed. It was seconds before he fell asleep. She would never let him think it wasn’t him who made her feel this way.
Dan woke up late the next day. By then she’d got Ali showered and dressed. They would go out and have a picnic in the park, she had decided. It was her way to say that she hoped things were back to normal. While Dan had agreed to go to the park and have a picnic as a family, the hesitant way he spoke to her and the way he directed most of his questions to his son instead of his wife showed her that he hadn’t fully forgotten. And as the days went on in the same manner, she realised maybe he never would, and perhaps it had nothing to do with the fact that she had used a vibrator, but something else altogether. She wasn’t sure what that was.