10. Sophie
10
Sophie
By the time Sophie was sitting in her study, her work laptop loading its software, a text from Rani flashed on her phone.
I shouldn’t text at 3am , she wrote. I couldn’t sleep.
I’ve had those 3am wake-ups too , Sophie wrote. I read it’s something that happens to women from their late 30s. Something to do with hormones.
Everything is to do with hormones at our age.
Have also read that it’s to do with spirituality too. Something to do with a subconscious awakening.
Or it could just be stress.
That sounds more like it.
Sophie’s laptop had updated now, but she wasn’t interested in unleashing the can of worms that was work. Perhaps she had come to the end of the road with this job and needed to move on to something else. After all, the work she did was far below her expertise, but she felt that was something any woman wanting to work part-time had to accept, that the roles they would be offered would be below their abilities – even if that role was given to you because your husband arranged it.
I hate my job , she randomly texted Rani.
Oh no. Am I disturbing you?
No. The work is disturbing me. I earned more as a graduate than I do now. Isn’t that sad?
Rani immediately replied. I spent years and so much money studying for a second degree in Australia and now I don’t even use it.
Motherhood robs us of a lot.
Is it motherhood or is it marriage?
Maybe both , Sophie started to type, and then deleted it. Meena was right, she really couldn’t complain and she especially couldn’t compare herself to Rani.
She imagined Todd catching her using a vibrator while he was at work as the kids sat in the living room on their screens. Would he get upset? Sophie didn’t think so. If anything, he’d probably get turned on.
Is your marriage okay? Sophie typed instead.
Yes, it’s okay I think. Dan doesn’t say much, though.
Let me know if you need anything, or even to talk. Happy to meet up whenever you’re free.
Three dots appeared. Rani was typing a response. Sophie opened up her email. The flood of messages hit her as soon as she did.
I should go back to work , she typed, just as Rani’s message flashed on her screen: I can meet after you finish work if you’re free.
Sorry, I’ve been disturbing you! Rani typed back immediately. Let’s chat later when you’re done.
Okay , Sophie responded, distracted by the emails on her laptop.
The hours passed by in a blur. Before she knew it, she heard Todd’s key in the front door lock.
‘I bought lunch!’ he hollered.
A few minutes later she entered the kitchen to find he had put out a spread of sushi rolls, sashimi, agedashi tofu and a seaweed salad.
‘This looks good,’ she said as she grabbed a plate and started to help herself. Todd watched her but didn’t reach for the food himself. ‘You’re not eating?’
‘Nah, I’m not hungry,’ he said.
‘How come? You ate something before coming home?’
Todd hesitated, his eyes flicking towards the plate before looking back at her. ‘I’m fasting. Trying to cut back a bit.’
Sophie sighed and shook her head. ‘We tried that intermittent fasting thing, remember? It made us so cranky we almost killed each other. Life’s too short to starve yourself, especially with food this good.’ As she spoke she took a bite into a piece of sashimi, the buttery fresh salmon melting in her mouth. ‘Have some.’
Todd smiled faintly and shook his head. ‘It’s not about the food. It’s about ... staying disciplined, you know?’
Sophie rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t help smiling back. ‘Disciplined? It’s lunch, not boot camp. And anyway, I’d find you sexy even if you just had a one pack.’
‘Yeah, but it’s more than that. I’ve been thinking a lot about the future,’ Todd said, his tone more serious now.
She was in the middle of taking a bite of the agedashi tofu – one of her favourite Japanese dishes – when she stopped chewing and swallowed the tofu whole.
His hands were resting on the edge of the counter, his fingers tapping in a slow, rhythmic pattern. ‘Can we finally talk about the move, Soph? I know you’ve been avoiding it.’
She looked at the food in front of her and lost all her appetite.
‘Thanks for ruining lunch,’ she said as she got off the stool at the kitchen bench.
‘I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘But you can’t avoid talking to me about this.’
She started walking into the living area and he followed her. She thought of once again putting her hand up, telling him to stop, but there was a determination with which he moved, she knew he wouldn’t take no for an answer.
‘Okay, then, let’s just get it out there. I’m not moving. I refuse to live in some outback hick town just so we can be near your parents.’
Todd sighed. ‘Well, it’s not the outback, it’s a thriving town with a shopping centre.’
‘Oh, well, I stand corrected!’ she said, rolling her eyes.
‘And it’s not just for my parents. Though you know they’re getting older and Mum had that fall—’
‘And when that happened, you went to see her. You were by her side for three days!’
‘Yes, but I wasn’t there when it counted. Dad had to call for an ambulance; he was beside himself with worry!’
‘The twins should’ve been there.’
‘Well, they were not. They’ve done their bit. I’ve heard enough from them about how they’ve been near Mum and Dad while I went gallivanting off. Now it’s my turn.’
Sophie was quiet. Her parents were many things, but at least they weren’t needy like Todd’s parents, who always seemed to require their children around. Her parents had wisely and logically plotted their life after retirement so much so they’d even paid for their funeral plots. She wanted to bring this all up, but the blood pumping in her chest was clouding her thoughts. Todd took her moment of silence as a sign that she was thinking about it.
‘Soph, I don’t ever want to feel like I did when Gramps died. That feeling of helplessness. I should’ve been there ... If that happened with Mum or Dad I don’t know if I’d be able to forgive myself. Do you remember?’
Sophie remembered that time well. How could she forget?
They were staying in a riad in Fes, planning to head back to Essaouira – their favourite place in Morocco – when the email came. Todd, who refused to buy himself a smartphone and was relying mostly on the few internet cafes that remained – or more recently, on Sophie’s brand-new iPhone to check in with family and friends back home, suddenly sat up in bed.
‘I gotta go,’ he said.
‘Go? What are you talking about?’ Sophie asked. Todd didn’t respond. He busied himself, moving through the room, picking up his items of clothing.
Her phone was still open at the email he’d been reading. She thought about asking him if she could read the email, but as he seemed so worked up, she picked up the phone and went ahead.
Dear Todd, we’ve been enjoying all the photos you’ve been sending over, mate. It’s made your mum happy. And she needs to find things to make her happy these days. Cos mate, well she told me not to tell you this, but Grandpa Sam’s been a bit crook. More than a bit crook if I’m honest with you. They think he’s only got a few days left in him. Mum will be angry when she finds out I’ve told you. But I know how close you and Sam were. And I know you’d want to know how unwell he is. We went to see him the other day and he’s not been speaking much but the nurses told us that earlier that day he suddenly mentioned a fishing trip he took with you. Do you remember when that was? Mum and I reckoned you may have been around twelve, before he moved up the coast and we only saw him at Christmas after that. Anyway son, we hope you continue to have your amazing adventures. You’re always in our thoughts.
Love, Dad.
‘Your grandfather is sick?’ Sophie asked Todd, who was moving around the room at pace but not actually packing anything. He seemed to be picking things up and putting them back down while lost in his thoughts.
Sophie went up to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. She tried again. ‘You guys were close?’
Todd turned around and wrapped her in a big hug. They stood there holding each other for many minutes before he spoke.
‘I caught a barra on that fishing trip. That’s why Gramps remembered it. Do you know how hard it was to catch?’ His hands were on her shoulders and his face remained close.
‘First you’ve got to tell me what a barra is,’ Sophie said.
Todd’s face broke into a smile. He reached over and kissed her on the lips. ‘It’s a barramundi. They’re a bugger to find, but we got a good spot where there were heaps of them. But they kept eating the bait. Then just before it got dark, I felt one tugging at the rod. And Gramps was like, don’t you dare let it go, Toddy, or else there’ll be no dinner tonight. And I thought there’s no way I’m letting that fish go, even if it means ending up in the water.’
As he spoke Sophie could almost picture Todd as that twelve-year-old boy, the way his face lit up at the memory, the boyish smile at his lips.
‘He helped me reel it in and you better believe we ate well that night. He knew how to clean a fish. We roasted it on an open flame.’
‘I’m sorry he’s so unwell.’
‘We used to see him all the time till he moved up the coast after Grandma, my mum’s mum, died. But even after that we used to see him every summer. Dad just remembered the Christmases, but Gramps was there all summer just hanging out with me and my brothers. Though I think I was his favourite. Actually, I know I was cos he told me.’
‘Cos you’re the eldest.’
‘Yeah and he knew since the other two were twins they’d always have each other, whereas I was kind of out by myself. I didn’t have the bond they shared.’
‘You want to book a flight back home, then?’
‘What if I don’t get there in time?’ He looked devastated at the thought. Even in the brief time they had got to know each other she was finding out that while Todd was outwardly sunny and cheery, from time to time a sadness would pop to the surface. It would just be a flicker or a shadow across his face, but she could tell when he was trying to suppress big emotions.
‘All you can do is try.’
‘Sorry about ending our plans like this,’ he said.
The word ‘ending’ made her stomach sink. So this was how her holiday romance would end. Though if she was being honest with herself, she didn’t see it as a holiday romance anymore. She didn’t see it as anything except for perhaps the most wonderful time of her life. This man, who she had known for barely three weeks, had smashed all expectations of what a relationship could be. She’d been swept away by him and as far as she was concerned all she wanted to do for the rest of her life was travel from place to place, wherever the wind would carry them, with him by her side.
‘No, don’t worry about me. Be with your family. I can only imagine what it must feel like to have people who care so much about you like that.’
‘Ah come on, your family can’t be that bad.’
‘They’re not bad, as in, you know, evil or anything. But they’re not very affectionate. Let’s just say if my dad was writing me an email he would never sign off with “Love”. Actually, I don’t think he’s ever even said he loved me.’
‘Don’t say that,’ Todd said and he wrapped her tight in his arms. She felt his face burying into her hair and inhaling deeply. She closed her eyes, feeling warm and protected. Don’t leave , she wanted to say, but knew very well she couldn’t.
So now, for the first time in her life she would get to know what heartbreak felt like. Never before had she let anyone get so close. Some would say it was a protective mechanism, but to her it was just how she was raised. Be polite, be reasonable, but no need to get emotional: that’s what she’d learnt growing up.
‘My parents stopped saying goodnight when I was five, maybe younger. They’d just tell me I had to go to bed and I did. They never tucked me in.’
Todd pulled away from her and looked at her with a heartbroken expression. ‘You sure they’re not bad people?’
‘No, they’re just WASP-y, I guess. It’s not that odd, is it?’
‘Well, then, you’ve got to meet my parents. My mum is a hugger, I’m warning you. If I told her you were my girlfriend she’d probably squish you in a bear hug.’
‘Your girlfriend?’
Todd blushed. ‘Well, I wasn’t sure what we were calling it.’
Sophie untangled herself from him. ‘I guess it’s too early to call it anything. But what we should do is book you a ticket home. Not sure what route you’d need to take to get from Fes to Sydney but I guess we’ll find out.’
Todd furrowed his eyebrows briefly at her before nodding his head in agreement.
This was where she functioned best. As the pragmatist. The doer. She would book his tickets and send him on his way and then she would work out what the fuck she was going to do with the rest of her life. And she would ignore the knots in her stomach and the pangs when she found herself thinking that the best person she had ever met was going to leave her and go to the other side of the world and it was very likely she would never see him again. Emotions only got in the way of rationality – or worse, emotions created entanglements. The more you allowed yourself to be tangled up in other people’s lives the harder your life got when, really, life was meant to be simple. You looked out for yourself and you got a job and you went to work and you went back to the life you left behind, which had destroyed you in many ways, but you had to ignore that and keep going without complaint, until ...
Until?
‘Do you want to book on my phone or shall we ask at reception if there’s a computer we could use? Or we could try and find one of your internet cafes?’ she said.
‘My internet cafes?’
‘You’re like the only one who still actually goes to them.’
‘Or we could go to a travel agent,’ Todd suggested.
‘You’re so old school.’
‘There’s a lot to be said for the human touch.’
‘No doubt,’ she said, and he smiled at her in the way that she was quickly finding out meant he wanted to jump her right there and then. But they couldn’t let their hormones get in the way of the important business of getting him a ticket home.
The old man who sat at the reception of their riad said he had a cousin who could help them get a ticket. But when they turned up to the cousin’s place, they found a man who ran a carpet shop but also said he could get them a ticket back to Australia.
‘I think we’re good,’ Sophie said, her instincts telling her the man was probably not to be trusted with plane tickets. But it wasn’t so easy to extract themselves. Now that they were in his lair they were plied with cups of tea and surrounded by a group of men who implied it would be tricky to leave. So they did what they had to and haggled over a small rug.
After they walked out of the shop with an unwanted rug in their hands, Sophie told Todd his mistrust of computers was costing him. ‘Fine,’ Todd said. ‘Let’s find an internet cafe.’
A little while later they sat, crowded in front of an old desktop computer with a flickering monitor, in an internet cafe that seemed to be barely frequented. An old ceiling fan spun above them as Sophie made the booking for Todd to go home.
Just as she was about to hit ‘Submit’, Todd said, ‘Come with me.’
The words made butterflies come alive in her stomach. But still she said, ‘No, that’s silly. You should be with your family. We barely know each other.’
‘We know each other enough.’
‘How can anyone say that after three weeks?’
‘I can.’
She didn’t want to admit that so could she. The feeling was illogical and went against everything she had been brought up knowing.
‘I was thinking I’d keep travelling. Make my way from Morocco back to the south of Spain, maybe spend some time in Seville. I feel like we didn’t explore it as much as I’d have liked.’
‘Cos we were busy doing other things,’ he said smiling, nudging her knee with his.
She smiled back, blushing at the thought of those days and nights they spent doing little other than losing themselves in each other’s bodies, pleasuring each other again and again.
Actually, she decided at that point, she could never go back to Seville on her own. It would only remind her of him. She didn’t think she could even be in Europe without him, the whole continent would remind her of him. The whole trip, even the travel she’d done without him, was now coloured by their meeting. This journey she made would be lodged in her brain as a painful memory.
She hit ‘Submit’ on the booking with decisiveness. There would be no doubting, no hesitating. He would go and she would be alone, just like she had been her whole life. It was better that way. It was the one thing she had learnt early on: if you didn’t rely on anyone then you wouldn’t be let down and that way you wouldn’t get hurt. She was confounded by people who let themselves fall in love again and again, who laid themselves bare in front of others, their hearts in their hands, asking so innocently to be loved. If her parents had taught her anything it was that love was the stuff of fairytales. In real life you learnt to be silent and to shut off your heart that was full of animalistic emotions. You learnt that no one was going to be delighted in your presence and that when you spoke your voice was more of an annoyance than a pleasure. So you learnt to use your voice only when you needed to, and you especially didn’t use that voice to convey what you truly felt deep down inside your heart. After all, who did that sort of thing?
That night she lay on their bed in the riad as Todd snored softly. This would be the last night they ever spent together. She inhaled deeply, taking in the warmth from his breath. She would carry pieces of him inside herself without him even knowing it. She ran her finger over the soft hair on his arm, running it up to his face, grazing the side of his cheek and feeling the roughness of the stubble on his chin. He twitched in his sleep and she brought her finger back down beside her. In the morning she would ask him if she could have one of his t-shirts, just to remember him by. Then she decided against it. It would look desperate and needy.
Tomorrow morning they would pack up and leave the riad. They would take a taxi to the airport and she would say goodbye to him. She wouldn’t even get out of the taxi, she decided. She would just kiss him and send him on his way before telling the taxi driver to take her to the train station. She wouldn’t turn around as the taxi drove away. She wouldn’t even look at him from the back seat window; instead, she would stare straight ahead out of the windscreen. She would tell the taxi driver to hurry, that her train to Tangier was about to leave. She would create a false sense of urgency, even though the urgency was real. She had to leave Morocco, leave Spain, stop travelling and go back to her life in the US. She would throw herself into work and she would work so long and so hard that all she could do at the end of the day was go home and fall asleep and then she would get up and do it all over again the next day. And she would continue like this till the pain would begin to fade and the grief would dull a little, till one day, perhaps, she would be able to breathe and not feel so sharply the pieces of him she kept inside herself. And it was as she made these decisions that she fell asleep.
When she woke up the next day, Todd was not there. His clothes were all gone. Seeing his side of the bed so bare sent a shock through her body. She shouted his name but didn’t hear a response. A scream left her mouth, a hollowed-out shriek that carried all the pain she was trying so desperately to ignore. He’d already gone. How could he leave her just like that? How was she meant to keep going without him there?
Tears poured down her face. She bit into the pillow and screamed into it again and again. She could feel a wild, uncontrollable side of her being unleashed. If her parents saw her now, they would think she had gone crazy. Who was she? What had she become? How had he done that to her? She was no longer human but animal, one that had just discovered it had lost its skin. She shrieked some more. The pain, she decided, was not like the cold black stone she thought it would be, one that she could suppress by keeping it tightly pent up inside of her. No, the pain was hot and searing and felt like acid burning up her insides. How could she live with pain like this?
Just then the door handle turned and there was Todd entering the room. As soon as he saw her in that state he ran to her side. ‘What’s wrong? What happened?’ he asked, filled with worry.
‘I thought you’d left!’ she said, between sobs. Pain and relief swirled inside her.
‘No, you silly, I packed and then I went out to chat to the reception guy. He had a laptop, after all.’
‘A laptop? What’d you need a laptop for?’ she asked, between hiccups, wiping at the tears that wouldn’t stop flowing.
‘So I could buy you a ticket to come with me. I know, you said you didn’t want to and of course it’s totally up to you. But I thought at least if you knew you had a choice. If you wanted ... the ticket’s there. You could use it, or not ... it’s your—’
‘Stop talking,’ she said, leaping up to grab him before dragging him down onto the bed with her. She covered his face with tears and kisses. ‘Of course I’ll come. There’s nowhere I’d rather be than with you.’
Twelve years later and Todd was again asking her to give up the life that she knew and start again, this time in a country town so he could be near his parents.
‘I think it’ll do us all good. And, you know, the firm will let me work remotely,’ Todd said now.
‘You asked your company before you even asked me!’
‘I just wanted to get everything sorted before I came to you—’ Todd said.
‘Shouldn’t this have been a mutual decision?’
‘Of course it is! I can’t force you into doing anything, Soph.’ Todd’s voice was softer now. He walked towards her but she moved away from him. He didn’t let it dissuade him. ‘I think this could be good for both of us. We are too consumed by this crazy, fast-paced life and we barely get to see each other. I want to see more of you,’ he said.
She folded her arms across her chest, refusing to let herself be swayed by him.
‘I mean, why are we here? Why do we live in this area?’ Todd continued. ‘We spend far more money than we need to, sending our kids to this expensive private school just so we can keep up with the Joneses? And no, I’m not talking about Meena here! I’m just asking you to give this a chance, Soph.’
‘Well, I’ve got to tell you, despite all your LinkedIn posts saying the opposite, that’s exactly not what a woman wants.’
‘I thought you liked my posts.’
‘Please. They’re so smug and self-congratulatory and honestly make you sound like you’ve consumed too much of the woo-woo juice.’
Todd looked crestfallen. At that moment, she heard a small voice in her head telling her to stop. To at least slow down. To breathe. Nothing good was said in the heat of the moment. But she didn’t listen to that voice. She didn’t do what she should’ve done, which was to follow her instinct and walk away. Leave the room, even just go back to her work laptop. Anything to stop the conversation spiralling to a point from which there was no turning back.
‘I had no idea you hated my posts that much. Maybe it’s not just the posts; maybe it’s me,’ Todd said. He was looking at her with hurt eyes.
I don’t hate you , she should have said. But the blood was still rushing too fast in her brain, stopping the voice of reason from being heard. If only that voice had spoken a bit louder. Her mouth, however, kept speaking.
‘I hate that you’ve put me in this position. I moved to this country for you. I left everything behind. I could’ve been at the top of my career ...’
‘You told me you hated living in New York. You didn’t even want to be around your own parents anymore!’ Todd interjected.
But Sophie was done listening to him. ‘I came here to be with you and make this home and be this wife and this mother. Even this stupid job, I’m doing it because of you. I don’t even know who I am anymore, Todd!’ She gritted her teeth. ‘And maybe that’s because I’m with you.’
Stop! her brain said then. Stop! A panic began to grow in her stomach as she looked at her husband’s expression change from hurt to a coldness she hadn’t encountered before.
‘What are you saying?’ he asked her.
Stop! her brain warned again. Alarm bells were ringing.
‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘That maybe being with you was a mistake.’
She didn’t want the words to come out. And when they did, she realised she hadn’t meant what she said. But still, now that they were out, they lay there like bloodied stones, the only evidence of a murder.
She had unintentionally killed her marriage.