Chapter 18
Eighteen
I hesitated outside the church doors. I hadn’t slowed down for a second this morning.
I knew if I did, I would start to think.
Start to actually use my brain and do what I knew was intelligent.
The right thing. I had gotten out of bed, brushed my teeth, ignored the bathtub, thrown on a hat and the same clothes I wore yesterday, and broken the speed limit on my way.
However, now that I was here, just reaching for the church door handles made me pause and consider my actions.
What was I doing? Really. Was I trying to prove something?
The thought didn’t even make it all the way through my brain before I knew I was definitely trying to prove something.
The question was, who was I trying to prove it to?
Mom? The church people? Me? God? Was I really wanting to do this?
Did I really want to take this on? Did I want to do this enough to stick with it?
What if Jed got down here and we decided to move back to Denver or somewhere else?
I wouldn’t only be screwing myself if this blew up.
Of course, it was going to blow up. There wasn’t any option.
I was in the church and walking down the hallway. Seemingly my body had decided the questions didn’t matter. The rightness and wrongness were irrelevant. Obey the whim. Damn the consequences.
I realized I was heading to where the pastor’s office had always been, but considering everything else had changed, that probably had too. The office was probably up in some tower, complete with glass bookshelves, glass desk, maybe even a glass computer, but no windows, of course.
Shockingly, the office hadn’t changed, unless they hadn’t yet moved the sign with Pastor Thomas’s name to the new location. I threw open the door.
Pastor Bron let out a startled squawk and jumped up from the leather chair behind the desk. His hands clenched into fists that flew in front of him, ready.
It took him a second to recognize me. “Oh, Brooke.” He dropped his fists but continued standing. “You scared the hell out of me.”
I hadn’t been thinking when I tossed open the door, and consequently, I jumped in fright when Pastor Bron yelped. Since when had I gotten so rude? “I’m so sorry, Pastor Bron,” I stammered. “I wasn’t even thinking, I was so intent on getting here, I just walked on in.”
“That’s quite all right, my boy. No harm done.
Now I don’t have to go running this evening.
You just did my cardio workout for me.” I could see the rest of the tension leave his body as he sat back down.
“I’m sorry you rushed over here. Brother Thomas isn’t here this morning.
He and Sister Thomas went to Springfield for the day. ”
“Huh?”
“Aren’t you looking for Pastor Thomas? You were anxious enough to get into his office.”
“Oh, his office, of course. I wasn’t even thinking. No, I was looking for you. I just came here out of habit, I guess.”
He smiled at me kindly, like one does with a small child.
“Then things worked out perfectly. This won’t be my office until the New Year, but Brother Thomas is kind enough to allow me to use it when it is unoccupied.
” He motioned to one of the two armchairs across from the desk.
“Come on in. Shut the door if you would like.”
I did and sat down. Now that I was in the office, my brain was slowing down enough to realize why I was here. I was getting nervous.
“Do you like Garfield, Brooke?”
“Excuse me, Pastor Bron?” I wasn’t hearing correctly. Very nervous. Maybe I should leave.
“Tyler.”
“Huh?”
He smiled a little more. “Tyler, please. Remember?”
“Oh yes, sorry. Tyler.”
“I prefer it in book form.” He held up a Garfield book that had been sitting in front of him.
“I don’t think it’s as enjoyable one little strip at a time.
Better as a whole. I was reading it when you came in.
I had just gotten to one of his little segments when he talks to the spiders.
Those are always my favorite ones. And the Christmas ones as well. ”
I couldn’t tell if he was being serious or just trying to make me more at ease.
Considering he had a Garfield book there, he was probably serious.
Either way, I was feeling better. “I like those too. My favorites were always when he would try to convince Jon he was trying to kill the mouse, but they were actually friends.”
Tyler nodded. “Yes, those are fun too. However, it always bugs me that Garfield is friends with the mice, and sometimes the spiders, but always eats the fish and birds.”
“I guess I never thought of that. That does seem a little strange.” As did this conversation.
“I assume you didn’t come here to talk about Garfield, though, did you?”
I laughed. “No, I guess I didn’t.” The nerves came back full force.
He closed the Garfield book and pushed it to the side of his desk. He leaned forward, resting his weight on his hands folded in front of him. “I was expecting you, to be honest. Although I didn’t think it would be this soon.”
“You were?”
“Of course. I thought it was more than wishful thinking that you would be involved in the youth group. I am very pleased. I’m not used to having prayers answered so expediently.”
“You probably have Mandy to blame for that.”
His laugh was warm and soft. He glanced toward a picture on his desk. “Yes, she is remarkable. I think even the angels move faster for her.”
“Donnie seems to think so as well. And, from all I have seen so far, I would say he’s right.” I looked away from him, my eyes traveling over the office. “Although I would say the Devil has more to do with me being here than God.”
His head jerked back slightly. “That’s quite a statement.”
“Yes, well, I’m not completely clear on my motivation for seeking you out this morning. I suspect it is partly due to yesterday evening being a rather rough night.”
“I am sure you know that God works through hardship much more frequently than He does through mountaintop experiences.”
“So it seems. Not sure if I really enjoy that aspect of His nature.”
His eyes were downcast, and his voice softer. “No, me either.”
I waited for the moment to pass. He soon looked back to me, giving me a cockeyed smile. “So, I am assuming you’re here because you want to tell me you are chomping at the bit to start working with our youth group.”
“I’m not sure I’d phrase it like that, but in a roundabout way, yes.”
“Very good. When were you considering beginning?”
I hadn’t thought it would be that fast. I tried to think quickly. “Actually, I thought you weren’t wanting me to start right away. I don’t know if I’m ready to start too soon. I haven’t even gotten used to the idea, especially since it isn’t really a day old yet.”
“Honestly, if I had my way, that is how I would like for you to start. I’m afraid if you have too much time to think things over, you’ll talk yourself out of it.
” He leaned back in his chair and moved his folded hands from the desk to his stomach, which I couldn’t help notice appeared to be flat under his dark blue shirt, tucked smoothly into his jeans.
“However, I think we should wait for you to begin until I have taken over at the beginning of the year. I’m not asking you to keep it a secret or anything—tell whomever you want.
However, I think things would go smoother if we handle this delicately. ”
“Pastor Thomas will object.” It was not a question.
I could see Tyler choosing his words carefully. “I doubt he will be the only one to object, honestly, and I think it would just be easier to wait.”
“That leads me perfectly to what I am really thinking, Tyler, which is, what are you thinking? How do you expect this to work? I seriously doubt the views of this church have changed that much since I was a kid.”
“Brooke, I have already told you the reasons I want you to help. You come highly recommended from Donnie, and he is the leader of the group. Maudra speaks highly of you, as do the Durkes.”
I interrupted, “I don’t think Sue and Chuck are such big supporters of this idea.”
“No, they’re not. I’ve spoken to them.” I wasn’t sure how I felt about so many conversations happening about me taking the youth group position before I had even decided to accept.
“They don’t oppose you, though. It is more the situation.
Sue, especially, is worried about how people’s reactions will affect you.
She seems to think you have your hands full already.
The gay aspect is an issue for them as well, but not in such a huge manner as you may be assuming.
” He took a breath but continued before I could interrupt again.
“You have a passion for kids and a seemingly firm faith in God, am I correct?”
“Of course. I love kids, obviously.”
“I mean the faith in God.”
I knew what he had meant. “The reason my voice is a little hesitant on this is that it depends on the frame of reference you are coming from.” I breathed in and then continued in a rush.
“If you are asking if I believe in God the way I did when I was a kid, the way I was raised here in this church, their beliefs and standards about Him, then, no, I don’t.
I don’t believe that is who God is. I don’t believe He operates in the ways I was taught.
I think He is much more accepting and looks more upon your heart and intention than He does on every rule and regulation.
I also don’t believe it’s appropriate that we take every word of the Bible as literal and set in stone.
Again, I think the fundamental truths are undisputable, but I also believe some of it should be taken from the context of time.
After all, some of the stories can be, and have been, interpreted in a variety of ways. ”
His smile broadened once again. “So, then, the answer to my question is a strong ‘Yes.’ Glad to hear it.”