Chapter 21
For the third time since she’d left the Cross property, Chloe was forced to pull the horse to a halt.
Tears blurring her vision, sobs bubbling up in her throat, she could hardly see and had drifted off the trail again.
The horse stood patiently, tail swishing at an errant fly as she lowered her face into her hands, her temples pounding and heart breaking.
She was a coward. She knew it and was ashamed of it, but the plain truth of the matter was she just couldn’t bring herself to confess to Nathaniel and his family who she was – at least not in person.
She hadn’t wanted to see the look on his face as she confessed the truth. No, she just couldn’t bear it.
For so many years, all she had done was run.
She had failed herself, her daughter, the two wonderful ladies of the Cross family, and most especially, Nathaniel.
It didn’t matter that she’d had nothing to do with the actions of her husband or former best friend.
She was linked to them by history and marriage and there was nothing she could do about it.
They would never be able to forgive her.
How could they when she couldn’t even begin to forgive herself?
A verse from the Book of Hebrews came to mind.
“Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water,” she whispered.
Could her sins truly be washed away? She desperately wanted to believe so.
Her voice trembled and her shoulders shook as tears rolled down her cheeks.
Filled with despair, she sought God’s grace and understanding.
“Please forgive me, Lord. Please take this burden of guilt and shame from me. Please let Nathaniel and his family know that I … I didn’t mean to hurt them, to cause them grief … ”
She should’ve left their home after she’d found Eliza at the orphanage, but they’d been so kind and understanding.
They’d invited her and her daughter to stay until the two of them formed bonds and Chloe had a plan for their future.
Guilt lay heavily on her heart and soul.
She’d had more than one chance to confess it all.
She should’ve told the truth the day she’d ridden to the orphanage with Nathaniel and he’d told her about his father’s death, but she just couldn’t.
She was afraid. It had been so long since she’d felt a sense of safety.
She’d been so selfish in her own wants and needs that she’d remained silent even as she heard the anger and despair in his voice.
Yet again she hadn’t been brave enough to look into his face to tell him the truth of her past, of her marriage to the man who had murdered his father. Well, the letter she’d written him would change everything, she knew it.
“Why, God, why did You bring me to their home? What reason? Was it my punishment? I deserve it, I know, but Eliza doesn’t. Nathaniel doesn’t, so why?”
She lifted her head and swiped a hand down her cheeks.
She straightened, inhaled deeply and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as she searched the landscape around her.
This land, so apparently inhospitable yet ruggedly beautiful at the same time.
She slapped the reins gently and the mare started moving again.
How was she going to tell Eliza that they were leaving, that they weren’t going back to the Cross property? Her daughter liked the place and the family, playing in the carriage house, spending time with Lillian and her mother. She liked Nathaniel.
For that matter, so did Eliza. She liked and admired them all, more than she could even put into words.
Even so, the burden of her secret and the guilt she bore weighed more heavily on her shoulders day by day.
She had remained silent too long. Now it was too late to confess all and expect Nathaniel and his family to understand, to forgive, and to continue to shelter her under their roof.
Wasn’t it?
Her valise sat behind the buggy seat, filled only with the scant belongings that she and Eliza owned.
She recalled the moment she’d first woken in Dalia’s boarding house.
Dalia. Such a kind, thoughtful, God-fearing woman, one who loved her family and helped others, all the while grieving the loss of a murdered husband.
Lillian, so generous of heart, striving to support orphaned children though she suffered the loss of her father.
Then there was Nathaniel, living in his father’s footsteps, seeking to provide safety for not only his family, but his town and everyone around it.
A man continually seeking the killer of his father, seeking justice.
No, she found it more difficult to keep her secret with every day that passed and yet the thought of their disdain and disappointment, perhaps even fury with her, kept her silent.
Although that secret felt heavier on her heart with every passing day, she still lacked the courage to tell Nathaniel the truth, face to face.
She didn’t want to see his expression change when he looked at her. She moaned softly, ashamed of herself, knowing that she didn’t deserve God’s blessings. She’d abandoned her own husband, her own daughter, so why shouldn’t she expect God to abandon her?
No, she was doing the only thing she could.
Once he and his family learned the truth, she would be sent on her way.
It was one thing to forgive a slight. But sheltering a killer outlaw’s wife?
A killer who had murdered one of their own?
She couldn’t bear it, she just couldn’t.
She didn’t know when Nathaniel would find the note she’d left for him, especially since he’d avoided the boarding house the day before, but eventually, he or Lillian or Dalia would find it.
They would be so disappointed, so angry.
Another sob bubbled up in her throat but she forced that one back.
She slapped the reins harder, urging the horse to a trot.
She needed to get to Eliza. They would leave and she would disappear again, this time with her daughter, her future more uncertain than it had ever been before.
Not having driven this route herself, she’d never really paid much attention to the distance between the boarding house in town and the orphanage.
It seemed to be taking longer than she remembered.
The noticed that the sun had moved incrementally across the sky.
She looked around. So consumed with her thoughts and concerns, had she veered off the trail?
She pulled the buggy to a halt again, looking in all directions.
Nothing but endless flats and scrub brush, an occasional scrub oak growing stubbornly on the plains.
No houses, not even a glimpse of cattle.
The landscape looked the same in every direction.
Shouldn’t she have reached the orphanage by now?
Her heart skipped a beat and she uttered a groan.
Was she lost? She had wandered off the trail, so focused on wallowing in self-pity that she hadn’t noticed.
A sudden flash of movement flitted by the buggy. She stiffened and barely bit back a scream before she realized it was a jack rabbit darting for cover. Heart pounding, she sagged weakly on the bench seat, slowly shaking her head. She glanced at the sun, then the landscape around her once more.
That way was north. She’d keep heading in that direction.
Surely she’d see the orphanage looming in the distance.
Of course she would. Nevertheless, she fought back a shiver of dread at the thought of getting lost out here, and was about to slap the reins once more when she heard the sound of a horse to the west, maybe a hundred yards away.
She bit back yet another moan when she saw a horse and rider, but couldn’t make out who it was because the sun was behind them.
She lifted a hand to shade her face, squinting.
The rider wasn’t Nathaniel. Not as broad of shoulder nor sat in the saddle the same way.
She felt a surge of disappointment and relief at the same time.
Was she on someone’s property? Was it a ranch hand or a drifter?
She didn’t know, but she knew she was alone, without a weapon and no one to come to her rescue if she needed it. She was such a fool. A coward and a fool. How was she supposed to keep Eliza safe if she couldn’t even defend herself?
The rider approached on a bay gelding with a black mane.
The man’s clothes were faded, the knee of his right trouser leg torn, his boots dusty and scuffed.
She tried to see his face when he pulled the horse to a halt not ten feet away, but his upper face was shadowed beneath the brim of his hat, dark whiskers covering the lower half.
His lean torso rolled lazily with the movement of his horse. On each hip he wore a gun.
“Well, well, well,” he said, a hint of amusement in his words. “Lookie what I found.”
Chloe’s heart sank and then pounded again.
Oh Good Lord, what was she supposed to do now?
His ensuing chuckle of laughter sent a shiver down her spine and her stomach roiled to the point she thought she might get sick.
She stared at him, her hands tightly clutching the reins.
The man urged his horse forward and slowly circled the buggy and mare.
Her heart pounded harder, prompting a ringing in her ears.
Was he an outlaw? A range rider from one of the neighboring ranches in the area? A drifter? It didn’t much matter which. She was alone, without a weapon. She had to keep her wits about her though she was so terribly frightened.