The Sidekick

Chapter Fifty-Two

Tera

I startle awake in confusion.

I’m face down on a chest covered in flowers. I sigh, relaxing again. Asher’s breathing is steady, his heart a soft rhythm that’s close to lulling me back to sleep. A glance at the clock on my nightstand says that it’s almost two in the morning. My leg is flung over Asher’s lap, and his erection is pressed into my thigh, bringing a shameless grin to my face.

I trace the outline of the colorless flower with my fingertips. I don’t know why, but it bothers me that it isn’t full of vibrant life like the other flowers around it.

My fingers trail over his pec, brushing a blood-red dahlia that fades to pink and then a pure white at the tips of its petals. When I get to the center, I feel a small divot in the skin there. A funny little dip hidden beneath the colors. As my fingers move, I feel another dip and another, this one with raised rough edges. All at the center of beautiful flowers that camouflage them so well you would never be able to see them, only feel them. There are so many. Not every flower has one, but enough do that I’m getting concerned.

“Are you going to ask?”

The forbidding, angry tone startles me. I had no idea he was awake. I had no idea I was doing something wrong, either. The way he asks his question says that I have. How was I supposed to know that feeling some imperfections in his skin would be a trigger for his anger?

Realization dawns, much too late. He never lets me touch him. I have to keep my hands still every time he gets intimate with me. Is it a kink or a defense?

I want to ask, to know, to help, but the words won’t come. My throat has closed over them because I suddenly feel like prey and a giant predator just growled outside of my hiding place.

I’ve had this kind of anger directed towards me before. Triggered by something just as innocent and blind with the need to help. The pattern is repeating again. Because I drift through life, blissfully unaware until it’s too late.

My hand hovers just above his skin, shaking with fear. Anger flares up inside me at the unfairness of it. Every move I make is never good enough for other people. I’m so sick of it! I’m tired of not being good enough.

Whatever this is, it’s bad, and I’ve just placed my feet firmly in it. Because I jumped. I knew better and I still did it. I haven’t even known Asher for two full days. Two days! Dr. Robinson is going to be disappointed. I don’t blame her. I’m suddenly disappointed in myself too. This one lasted forty-eight hours, if that. The last one was one hour. I guess I’m moving up in the world. At least this time I got some orgasms out of it first.

The bitter thought is so unlike the me that I cringe inside. How did I get so mean?

As quickly as it bubbled up the anger whooshes out of me to be replaced by defeat and nausea. What’s the point of this if it keeps happening to me? A numb sensation spreads through my chest, dulling all of the emotions cascading through me.

“No,” I whisper as the mask of silence covers, comforts, and shields me. I slowly withdraw my arm, settling it between his skin and mine to give myself some kind of shelter from whatever is coming next. His body is tense. He isn’t holding me to him so it’s easy to inch farther away from his anger.

“I don’t think I want to spring whatever trap I just landed in.”

I sit up sluggishly and look around for my dress. I want to be covered by something, a physical shield between my skin and whatever verbal barbs he’s about to throw out. I don’t want him to look at me anymore. Where is it? It’s a stupid white dress with stupid flowers on it. I should be able to find it. Oh yeah, it’s in the living room because I was in such a rush to set myself up for this trap. I’m not even under the sheets because he kept me warm enough to not need them.

I’m so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

My hand grips my throat tight enough to choke but it doesn’t feel like enough. My nails dig in painfully to try and force the comfort but it doesn’t work. I scoot to the edge of the bed, wincing with a dull flash of shame at how sore I feel, and how sticky my thighs are. I feel too disgusting to look at. He’s not wearing his glasses so maybe the darkness of the room will cover me until he’s gone.

“Tera?” His voice has changed now. Cautious instead of vengeful. I’ve ruined the surprise attack.

“Please leave,” my voice comes out dull and choked over my clenched fingers. I’m suddenly exhausted with all of it. This time I’m doing the shove-away stuff before he can get to it. I’m starting to feel numb enough that the pain of watching him walk away won’t hit me until later. It’s a good time for this.

It’s deathly quiet behind me. He doesn’t move to get up. He was so willing to give me everything I needed without hesitation earlier. Now that’s gone. My stomach rolls threateningly and my hand slides from my throat to press against it uselessly. Just a little bit longer and I can break in private.

“No.”

The single firm word spurs me into action. He doesn’t want to leave? Fine. I will. He can move in for all I care. I won’t be back.

I calmly get up and go into the living room. I’ll wear the dumb dress out. I don’t want to waste time looking for something else. It’s inside out when I pick it up. I put it on anyway, the relief of not being so exposed giving me a distant kind of comfort. My purse and keys are on the table by the door in perfect preparation for a quick getaway. At least past me did something right.

“Angel, stop.” Is he getting up now? Why bother?

I unlock and open the door, grab my things, and walk out, shutting it quietly behind me.

Once I’m on the concrete, I notice I forgot my shoes. Dang it, my flip-flops were right there and I just bubble-headed my way right past them. Warmth splashes down my cheeks as frustration builds, tensing my shoulders. I want to start cursing. Would that help? I feel like it would.

“Tera!”

His muffled shout rocks the night.

I just want him to shut up. Leave me alone. I’m trying to think of a good curse word here. His voice makes me feel like I should be running instead of shuffling like a zombie to my car. The tears fall faster.

A horn blares and I stop to stare into the lights as a vehicle swerves around me in the lot. Someone screams out the obscenities that I can’t seem to conjure up. All I can feel is jealousy that they get to do that so easily while I’m standing here like an idiot.

Two arms band around my waist and haul me back into a chest hard enough that my feet drag on the pavement as I’m moved backward and lifted onto the sidewalk again. I don’t struggle as I watch my car get more distant, like a never-ending nightmare. I can see my destination, but I can’t reach it.

Asher’s arms squeeze so tightly they’re painful. I know there’s no moving out of this. I wanted to leave right this second, but I guess I’ll have to hold off on that. I’ll just be a statue for right now until he goes away. He has to at some point. I’m starting to feel like something is really wrong with me right now. That’s not good, is it?

His heart is hammering so hard I can feel it. He’s panting like he just ran a marathon.

“Come back inside, right now,” he demands in a low, hoarse voice.

My body stays still as the urge to obey refuses to rise. I don’t want to go inside. I want to go away. What cuss word matches this feeling?

“Please,” he grinds out. His cheek brushes against mine and he curses, rubbing my tears away roughly without letting me go. He gets to cuss. Why can’t I? Everyone does it, and I’m stuck hearing my mother’s voice telling me ladies never curse.

We stand there while he catches his breath and nuzzles his face in my neck. I start counting how many cars are in the parking lot just to pass the time. There can’t possibly be that many people living in the apartments on this side. That would be five people each. Aren’t they all two bedrooms?

I try my best to ignore his heat and the too-fast beat of his heart as he says my name in an anguished tone that makes me feel guilty.

“I guess we’re discussing this here, then?” His voice is exhausted and filled with something I would never have associated with him. Helplessness.

But I’m not doing anything. I’m an idiot bystander who is standing perfectly still. Nothing to see here. If the neighbors walked out right now, would they think I was crazy? I mean, I am, but they shouldn’t have to know that. They can live in blissful ignorance.

“The sperm donor liked to burn me. Mostly with cigarettes or cigars.”

Oh. That’s what the spots are. My gosh, there are so many of them! Everywhere!

Yeah, I’d be defensive about that too. But it’s not my fault he suffered before I met him! I didn’t do any of that. I shouldn’t be treated badly because someone else hurt him. Even if he hates him bad enough he can’t call him dad. That rage-covered vulnerability strikes a chord in me that makes the numbness surrounding me crack. Pain fills me quickly and the nausea rushes back in. My body starts shaking as I sag in his embrace, my tears starting up in earnest.

“I hate my skin and I reacted badly. I wasn’t ready.”

That is definitely another thing I can understand. Some pains take time and trust to talk about. I forced his hand. It’s no different than me throwing things when people bring up the forbidden subject. A defense that is completely out of my control, just like his.

“I love your skin,” I say softly and lift a hand to touch his forearm, cautiously rubbing my fingers over a flower as lightly as I dare. I don’t want to start the cycle again, but touch is how I comfort myself. I’m not sure what he needs. “Is this ok?”

His body shakes mine with how hard he shudders so I start to withdraw. “You can touch me as much as you want, angel.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to -”

“No.” He says in a stern tone. “I’m sorry. You didn’t know, and I would never willingly hurt you.”

“I won’t hurt you either, I promise,” I whisper and stare out into the night, hoping the feeble words are enough.

He buries his face in my shoulder.

We stand in silence, accepting each other for the damaged people we are. United in pain neither one of us has inflicted on the other.

“Can we go back inside now?” Asher asks so quietly that I can’t stand the broken sound of it. I never want to hear it again.

I nod and pat his arm. He doesn’t loosen his grip. Instead, he lifts me from the waist again, refusing to let me go for even a second as he carries me back inside. Then he sets me down and locks the door, maintaining a position in front of it. Silly man, I can fit through the windows if I want to leave. I look around at the mess we left in the living room and start picking it up just to have something to do.

Everything feels off. Like my world got rearranged without my notice and I’m trying to get my balance back. I’m not angry anymore, but I have something pent up inside me without an outlet.

“Are you ok?” Asher asks as he watches me find things to straighten up or throw away.

“Yes? I think so. I’m kind of… weird right now. It’s not a feeling I can describe.”

I brush my hair out of my face, frustrated that I need to communicate and I can’t. I sit down on the couch and cross my legs as I stare at the TV now that the small amount of mess is now straightened. He didn’t put his shirt on before he went outside. I fold it absently to hold it in my lap.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter,” the set-in-stone tone comes back with a vengeance as he sits next to me and wraps me up in his arms like I’m the one who needs comforting. “Don’t ignore your own feelings over mine. Nobody is worse off than anyone else here, and you matter. Your feelings matter.”

Nice, funny, and a survivor. I don’t think I’m equipped to handle all of that. I’m supposed to be with a book nerd or something. That’s more my speed. An easy, placid, normal life. I lost that with all of Andi’s troubles and I’d like it back. I want to stop being reminded that life is a lot darker than I want it to be.

I sigh heavily as he presses his forehead to my temple. “Talk to me. Tell me something I don’t know about you. Anything.”

That’s a fair ask. He just shared something he wasn’t ready for, and I made him do it on the sidewalk! Oh my gosh.

“You’re the first person to give me an orgasm. I’ve only ever gotten one from a toy before.” Wow, I went there. Why was that the first thing to come out of my mouth? Whyyyyyyy?

“Excuse me?” He says in surprise. His body stills as he absorbs the news.

Yeah, I wouldn’t know how to react to that either. It’s not life-altering or even a funny story. I’m so lame.

I shrug and mumble out, “I just thought sex wasn’t for me or something. I’m obviously doing it wrong with another person if I can do it with toys. I don’t know, it’s whatever.”

His voice trembles suspiciously as he says, “It’s whatever?”

“Yeah. Thanks for that, by the way,” I pat him on the leg. “It was great the whole time. How did you do that?”

Suddenly he’s laughing. His arms are tighter around me than before as he rocks, tears flowing out as he tries to catch his breath.

“Is laughing a sign that I’ll never know your secrets?” I tease lightly with a twitch of my lips.

It starts all over again. He starts gasping at one point because he can’t breathe properly. I can’t escape his hold to pat his back and help, either.

“Fuck,” he sucks in a lung full of air without my assistance. “I’m sorry, I just wasn’t expecting that.”

I nod in understanding. “I don’t even expect what comes out of my mouth sometimes, and it’s my mouth.”

He pulls me until we’re lying back on the couch.

“There’s a perfectly good bed in there if you want to lie down,” I remind him with a tiny smile.

“I’m lazy,” he chuckles and positions me until we’re lying face to face so I can see the crinkles starting at the corners of his eyes. I wonder why I’m always the one pressed into the cushions in the back. Maybe I want to hang off the edge sometimes too.

“Tell me something else,” he urges.

“There are four apartments on this side of the complex. Each one has two bedrooms, I think. And there are twenty cars out there. That’s five people in one apartment each, including this one. How weird is that?” I have no idea why I feel like this is an appropriate conversation starter.

His grin gets wider and the last bit of tension washes out of him, “Tell me something else about you.”

“I’ve been arrested for the dumbest reason alive.” I make a disgusted face as the words fall out of me. I groan, already regretting telling him.

“I never got caught. What did you do?” He sounds excited to know. My eyes widen at the knowledge that Asher has done things he might regret too. Another puzzle piece that aligns perfectly with mine.

He’s going to be really disappointed. I’m not an accomplished jewel thief or anything. I’m sure he would be just fine at it. I better just get it out, or he’ll start thinking it’s epic.

“I stole a rich guy’s stationary off his desk at home on a dare. I turned myself in.”

“What?” He starts biting his lower lip to hold in laughter. My eyes narrow as if I’m about to scold him, but I chew my lower lip as an unwilling smile begins to form.

“Yup. I went to juvie for a while.”

“You’re so sweet. I can’t picture this at all.”

“The guy was rich and wanted to make an example out of me. He tried to get me punished as an adult, but I didn’t threaten him or have a weapon or anything.”

“Who gave you the dare?” He asks with a grin.

“My brother,” my eyes automatically drop away from his as I think of my family.

He shifts until he’s closer to me, eyes narrowed. I just realized he doesn’t have his glasses on. Maybe he’s not seeing me properly. He’s been wearing them less and I miss them.

“What was his punishment?”

“He said I lied to make him look bad to our mom so I wouldn’t be the only one in trouble,” I shake my head with a sigh.

“He’s younger?” Asher asks with a faint smile.

“Yeah.”

“Has he confessed to her yet?”

“I don’t think he did, and I can’t ask.”

“Why’s that?”

“Mom passed away before I was released, and I haven’t spoken to him since I was arrested. I tried to. He didn’t want that. Mom probably told him that if he ever spoke to me again God would turn his back on him.”

He’s probably obeying her that way to this day, listening to the faded echo of our mother’s strident voice struggling to get us to behave like normal children. I’m the same way.

“When was that?” He’s beginning to frown as his thumb strokes under my chin.

“Um, I guess seven years ago? I lost track of him when he started living with Aunt Cecile. I kind of got disowned.” Understatement of the year.

“Who did you live with when you got out of juvie?”

I wince and chew my lip. “I just hung out at a lot of places for a while. Then South got released and we got a place together.”

“Who’s that?” His brows draw down. I could swear he sounds jealous.

“My oldest friend. She made sure no one picked on me and helped me grow up a little. I taught her how to be a person.”

“How old were you when you were released, Tera?”

“Seventeen.” I shrug, and his eyes widen.

“No one took you in?”

“They all told me no because I was too much trouble,” I wonder if he’ll start agreeing. Everyone else does. Except for South and Shade, that is. “My behavior wasn’t what my family wanted to be known for.”

Asher’s mouth opens and shuts several times as if he can’t find the words. “I can’t even imagine. My Maman would kill for me, my sisters too. Even my stepdad. We’re a unit.”

“That sounds amazing. You’re so lucky,” I grin at him and shift a little closer. “Did your sisters go on any heists with you or anything?”

“Fuck. No,” He says firmly and frowns at me. “They didn’t need to get involved with my rebellious phase.”

“Oh,” I chew my lip as I take in how serious he is. “I took my brother with me everywhere.”

“I think it’s safe to say we were raised very differently, angel. The things he followed you into were basically harmless. The things I was doing would have gotten them hurt badly. You aren’t a horrible person for messing up. You’re a human being. Those assholes should be ashamed of themselves.”

My eyes widen at his vehemence. I rub his bicep to try and calm him down a little. “It was a while ago, Asher. It doesn’t matter.”

His eyes narrow on my expression, “It matters to me. I don’t like that this happened to you and I wasn’t there to protect you from it.”

A sharp pain stabs into my chest as I lose my breath. My hand goes to his cheek to stroke. His eyes close at the motion. He starts talking as if I asked him the same questions he did to me. Like he owes me answers after I told him some of my history.

“Nobody had any idea that he was abusing me. He had me convinced that they all knew and didn’t care. When Maman found out, she beat him within an inch of his life with a rolling pin, packed us up, and left him. She didn’t even hesitate.”

“Wow,” I breathe in wonder. “Your mom sounds amazing.”

“She is,” his eyes open. The affection reflected there makes me smile. “It took me a long time to realize she wasn’t going to let anyone hurt me again. She tried to get me into therapy, but it didn’t take. I was a real shit until she married a damn cop. After that, it was ‘get your act together’ but never in a cruel way. I didn’t know how to handle it.”

“Did you fold?” I tease, and his eyes narrow on me.

“Yes I did, smartass. He’s a good man. Someone to respect.” He sounds so defensive it makes giggles start up.

“So are you,” I say and he gives me a flat look. I cuddle closer, hiding my face in his chest so I can laugh without him glaring at me.

“If you had any idea half the shit I think when I’m near you, you would disagree,” He grumbles but holds me tighter.

I give him an unconcerned hum of sound, and he huffs in frustration.

“Can I ask you a harder question, angel?”

“I guess,” I pretend to whine. One of his hands slides down to tap my butt in warning. It isn’t as effective as he thinks it is, but I can pretend, right?

“Why did you leave just now?”

I feel my Shade mask immediately slip over my face as it flattens out. It’s becoming a habit. I love it as much as I hate it. “I’ve been through this situation before. I figured I would be the jerk this time instead. I kind of sucked at it, though.”

“What situation?”

“The ‘I want to comfort you and don’t know what to say, and I don’t know how to fix it’ situation. I didn’t want to get yelled at again.”

“Who did that?” His jaw clenches, and the words come from between gritted teeth.

“Satan.” I really need to stop calling him that.

“Will you tell me what happened?” Why does he sound so grim?

I’m not sure if I want to tell him. I don’t want to relive this. It was hard enough going over it with Dr. Robinson. It’s still too fresh in my mind. Being told how worthless you are is embarrassing. Plus, I just had a flashback of the whole thing an hour ago. His fingers clasp my neck and flex at my silence, and my lips thin. How do I start this?

“Uh… we, um. Huh.” I frown as I stumble to a halt. How do I tell him without telling him everything?

“Max said you guys were all fooling around together and he left the room. By the time he got back, you were gone.”

My eyes widen in shock and I draw my head back to stare at him. “He told you all of that? Oh my gosh! He really has no shame.”

“And you apparently didn’t get an orgasm out of that interaction, so I’m not feeling very charitable about them right now,” his teeth grind as he speaks. It makes him a little hard to understand. “You guys messed around in the office and…”

When he trails off, I find it easier to fill in the blanks. “Trevor started acting really grumpy and Max asked if he was ok. He said he was, but he was rubbing his leg like it hurt. Max left to get him some medicine that would help. I asked what was wrong, and he said he had pins in his leg and the cold bothers him sometimes. He looked really hurt. I freaked out, grabbed the blanket we had, and threw it over his lap.”

My lips tighten as I remember the look on his face after I had done it. Filled with rage and disgust. The pain of his words runs through me again as if he said them five minutes ago. My stomach starts to churn angrily.

“Then what happened, angel? Eyes up.”

My eyes snap back to his as I turn from eyeing the hallway to the bathroom. His expression has changed into a strained version of the comforting smile I know and I chew my lip.

“He said he didn’t need to be coddled. That I was only there for Max because he had been bugging him about me for a long time and he just… gave in. He didn’t want anything from me. He just wanted Max to be happy. If he had just told me that in the beginning, I would never have done it.”

“Because you want them both,” Asher says softly as his fingers slide up and down my throat. The motion is soothing, and my stomach decides to settle enough that I get comfortable again.

“I know it’s selfish,” I make a disgusted face and shake my head. “I’m sorry.”

“No saying I’m sorry for what you need, angel,” his tone brooks no argument. I give him a hesitant nod. “He told you that he lied about it, right?”

“He also pretends to be a really nice, caring guy. He’s not. How can I believe him? He just wants Max to have his toy back. That’s all I am to him. I’ve been staying away from him because I always end up doing whatever he says. I’m so grateful that you can stop that.”

His eyes shift to the cushions behind me as he frowns. “I make it easier for you to ignore him?”

“I…,” I swallow hard, unsure if he wants to hear just how needy I am when it comes to him. Especially since we just had a fight. His fingers flex as his eyes meet mine again. “I feel safe with you. I don’t think you would let me do something that will hurt me.”

His eyes shut and his forehead touches mine. “I won’t. I’m glad you know that.”

We lay in silence for a little bit. I begin to feel sleepy again. All of this angst has worn me out.

“What about Max?” Asher whispers suddenly. I thought he was almost asleep too. “Has he told you what he wants?”

“For everything to work and I don’t see how,” I can’t help how sad that comes out. “How can it feel so right with him when he already has someone he loves? He doesn’t think of me as a plaything. He says he wants me to stay. I didn’t mean to hurt him when I ran. I just couldn”t take it anymore. Someone took away my happy filter at some point, and I finally saw what everyone else sees when they look at me. I never want him to look at me like that too.”

“He never will,” the set-in-stone voice assures me. “How could he when you’re two sides of the same coin? What happened after you left?”

I close my eyes tightly so I don’t have to see his expression while I talk. “I lost it. I remember waking up one day and thinking I couldn’t keep doing this. I wasn’t eating. I slept all the time and cried when I was awake. I was tired of sleeping in my car and tired of driving. Everything seemed so pointless. I didn’t like who I was anymore. I was sitting in my car trying to figure out what to do, and there it was. A sign for a therapist. It seemed like I was supposed to end up there, so I stayed.”

“You were gone for four months, right?” His voice is tight as he pulls me closer.

“I don’t really know. I lost track of everything because I was scared. I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I wanted to hide for as long as I could so I could get it together. Dr. Robinson helped me out a lot. I have an appointment with her tomorrow for a progress report. I can’t forget.”

“I’ll remind you in the morning.”

“You’re staying?” My eyes blink open in surprise.

“I’m staying.” It’s one of those Asher carved-in-stone statements, and I frown.

“You don’t have to, I’m good. I roll around in my sleep a lot. You won’t be comfortable.”

He pulls his head back to give me an incredulous look.

“What? I’m not very upset anymore. We’re good.”

“Yup, we’re good. And going to bed,” he rolls off the couch, and I’m expecting a loud thump, but no, he catches himself and springs to his feet.

I narrow my eyes at him as he offers me his hand. “Could you not be so graceful all the time? It’s gross.”

“I hit my head on a shelf the other day if it helps,” he smiles and wiggles his hand.

“A little,” I pout and grab the offer for help up. “Are you ok? Or does it still hurt?”

His smile gets stronger as he pulls me towards the bedroom. “I’m good.”

He doesn’t let go of my hand, even when he flips the covers back. I think about going to wash my feet off for a second and then decide I’m too tired for that. I’ll change the sheets tomorrow. I crawl to the other side and lay with my back to him.

“You don’t want to take the dress off?”

“I’m lazy.” It’s a total lie. I’m not taking this off again, inside out or not. He’s not wearing a shirt, and he’s the worst form of temptation right now.

He makes a thoughtful hum of sound. I hear him getting undressed more before he slides behind me, wrapping an arm around my waist. If he’s trying to keep me from touching him again, he’s failing. Good call on staying clothed.

“I left the lights on in the living room again.” Why did I just now think about that? I don’t want to get up. I like snuggly Asher time too much for that.

“It’ll keep,” Asher sighs and kisses my shoulder. “Sleep now.”

“Says the guy who doesn’t pay the electric bill,” I grumble without much heat.

“I’ll pay for it. Now go to sleep.”

I pout until I do.