Chapter 22 Emery
EMERY
The further I got from Abigail’s apartment, the more panicked I became.
I’d been so confident when I walked out of the bedroom earlier.
So confident in my response to Noah when he asked me if he should come.
I wanted to be strong and take this step on my own.
I wanted to walk into that bar, flirt with Will, and maybe get his number like most women would…
but the closer I got to Harmony Pub, the more overwhelmed I felt.
My hands tightened on the steering wheel as I started taking in slow breaths, holding them, and then letting the air out slowly. A technique that the therapist I’d seen after Carson’s death taught me.
Whenever I felt panic start to rise in my chest, I used my breathing to calm myself down. Back then, it had worked, but tonight, as I got closer and closer to the bar, it did little to touch the anxiety rising inside of me.
Thoughts of Carson and the life that we had before he passed flashed in my mind. Tears began to prick my eyes, and I blinked with the hope that they would dissipate. But no amount of breathing or blinking seemed to stop anything.
The world was blurring around me, so I quickly took a left into the Godwin’s Grocery parking lot and pulled into one of the nearest spots. I put the car in park and then collapsed back against my seat. I closed my eyes as a sob escaped my lips.
Frustrated with how weak I felt, I slammed my hand over my mouth to stop another cry from escaping.
I wasn’t this weak. I was strong. I was the CEO of a multibillion-dollar company. Why was I terrified of going on a date? Or talking to a man? I was capable of so much in other parts of my life, and yet, I was collapsing in real time.
This wasn’t even a date. It was drinks. And I couldn’t even get it together enough to do that.
I stared at the steering wheel, the lights around me turning to kaleidoscopes through my tears.
I closed my eyes as tears slid down my cheeks.
I wanted all of this to end. I wanted the board to take back their demand.
I wanted to forget Carson’s letter. I wanted the guilt I felt for Timothy growing up as a single child to disappear.
I wanted to crawl back into the hole that had kept me safe for so many years. I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t ready to move on. At least, not for a man that I barely knew.
I angrily wiped at my tears as they kept flowing. I needed to get my head on straight. I needed to do this for my career, for Carson, and, most of all, for Timothy. He was the one who was suffering the most. Growing up without a father would leave a lifelong scar.
I wasn’t trying to replace Carson—I could never do that. But I could make his absence less poignant. I could give Timothy a semblance of a normal life.
If only I could get it together enough to put the car in drive and get to the bar like I’d planned.
I gripped the steering wheel and took in a few deep breaths. I forced my mind to calm so I could actually go on this date and not show up looking like a crazed, out-of-control woman. I hadn’t dated a lot in my life, but I’d dated enough to know that was not the way to make a good first impression.
After my third deep breath, my phone began to ring next to me. I glanced down and frowned. Who was calling me?
Abigail’s wide smile flashed in my mind. Of course, she was calling. I was sure she was wondering how the date was going.
I picked up my phone and glanced down at the name. My entire body froze. It wasn’t Abigail…it was Noah.
At first I was confused, but then panic quickly set in. Something was wrong with Timothy. That had to be the reason he was calling.
I quickly accepted the call and put it on speaker.
“Hello? Noah? What’s wrong? Is it Timothy?” The words tumbled from my lips. The silence that followed felt deafening as I waited for Noah’s response.
“Emery?”
I sighed, frustration brimming inside. “Yes. Is Timothy okay?” Why was he taking his sweet time responding?
“Timothy?” He paused. “Yeah, he’s fine. He’s sitting right next to me. Are you okay?”
I was already stressed about this date, and the adrenaline that had flooded my entire body from Noah’s call left me shaking and dizzy. “Why did you call?” I asked as I closed my eyes and leaned my head back on the headrest.
“You’re parked at Godwin’s Grocery. I thought you were going to a bar.”
I cracked open my eyes and glanced around. How did Noah know where I was? I lifted my head and peered through the window next to me, the back window, and then the windshield.
“Did you follow me?” I glanced down at my phone.
“So, you’re okay?”
Noah did not answer my question, but his inquiry had tears brimming in my eyes once more. I scoffed and shook my head. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied.
When he didn’t respond right away, I glanced back down at the screen just to make sure we hadn’t been disconnected. The call time was still ticking up.
“Emery,” he said, his voice deep as he drew out the syllables in my name.
I pinched my lips closed and shook my head. I didn’t want to speak because I knew that, as soon as I did, I’d lose all control.
“Emery.”
Tears were flowing now. There was no stopping them. My makeup was a mess. I was a mess. There was no way I was going to make it to the bar.
“I can’t go,” I whispered, my emotions choking me.
“What?” His voice was soft and smooth.
“I can’t go, Noah. I just…can’t.” A sob escaped and then another.
“I can’t go on a date. I can’t marry some stranger.
I just…Carson.” I buried my face in my hand.
I didn’t want to be so open and vulnerable with this man, but it was too late.
I’d opened Pandora’s box, and there was no way I could shut it now.
He was quiet for a moment. “Do you want me to get Abigail?”
I rested my head against the seat once more.
My eyes were still closed and I shook my head.
“No. I don’t…no.” I took in a deep breath.
“Will you come get me?” It was strange, but the only person I wanted to see me like this was Noah.
I knew Abigail had the best of intentions, but I didn’t want to go over this with her once I had composed myself.
I didn’t know much about Noah, but I knew this: he was good at keeping his distance. He wasn’t the kind of guy who would bring up the past. If I broke down and cried in front of him, he would wait as I pulled myself out of the slump and then never mention it again.
That was what I needed right now.
“Please, come get me.”
He was silent. At first, I wondered if I had overstepped, but then I shook my head. Even if he didn’t want to, it was still his job. He was my bodyguard. Protecting me was in his contract.
“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.” His voice was gruff and commanding.
For some reason, his words mixed with his tone made me feel safe. It made me feel calm.
He’d hung up before I could even respond, so I clicked off my screen and set my phone down in my lap. I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. Now that I’d made the decision not to go meet Will at the pub, I felt calmer. My head had cleared and I could focus on quieting my mind and body.
Headlights shone into my car, and I opened my eyes to see a white SUV pull into the parking spot in front of me. I squinted as the door opened and a dark figure got out. He spoke to the driver for a few seconds and then headed toward me.
Noah.
He didn’t stop until he got to the driver’s door and knocked on the window. I pulled on the door release. Noah grabbed the top of the door and pulled it the rest of the way open. I wiped at my eyes, hoping that I wasn’t a complete mess as he peered in at me.
His eyebrows were knit together, and his gaze was dark as he ran it over my body before focusing on me. “You okay?” he asked.
My body felt hot and cold at the same time. The ocean breeze hit my exposed legs, causing me to shiver, but my body had warmed in response to the concern in his voice and the protective way he was staring at me.
“Yeah,” I said as I unbuckled my seatbelt and moved to climb out.
Suddenly, Noah stepped around the door and extended his hand. Out of instinct, I grabbed it before I realized what I was doing. The roughness of his hands and the heat from his skin shocked me. I instantly glanced up at him as panic set in.
What was happening to me?
I’d officially gone insane. Not only did I have a breakdown in this small-town grocery store parking lot, but I was now physically reacting to Noah. This was not normal.
I was not normal.
I didn’t drop my hand and Noah didn’t say anything as he helped me out of the car.
His fingers lingered with mine before I let his hand go to make my way around the car to the passenger side.
Noah followed close behind me. When I got to the door, I reached out to grab the handle, but he beat me to it.
“Let me,” he said, his voice low and gravelly.
I was exhausted, so I just nodded and stepped back. Normally, I’d fight him, stating I could do it myself, but not tonight. Tonight, I wanted to get home, take a hot shower, and go to bed. If that meant letting Noah be chivalrous, then I wasn’t going to stop him.
He held the door as he watched me situate myself on the passenger seat.
After a once-over, he gently shut the door and then jogged around the car to the driver’s side.
He climbed in and buckled. With his left hand on the wheel and his right hand hovering over the drive button, he glanced over at me.
“Ready?” he asked.
I wrapped my arms around my chest and nodded. “Yeah.”
He drove forward out of the parking spot and over to the main road. He lingered, waiting for a red truck to pass. Then he glanced over at me. “Home or the pub?”
The emotions I had finally gotten a handle of bubbled up inside of me, so I turned my attention to the world outside the window. It was one thing to break down over the phone. It was a whole other thing to do it in person.
“Home,” I whispered as disappointment and regret filled my chest.