Chapter 4
4
R AIN
Minutes later, I march into the hotel.
Impatiently, I pull to an abrupt stop in front of the concierge desk.
It’s ten minutes to midnight, and the clerk’s eyes are glued to the TV screen.
Like everybody else, he’s watching the live stream from Times Square. People cheer on the streets, anxious to welcome the New Year.
“I need to check out,” I deadpan.
The clerk glances over his shoulder and looks at me as if I lost my mind.
He reads my expression before spinning to me, swiftly regaining his composure and displaying a more professional demeanor.
“What room, Miss?”
“The Red Suite.”
“Is something wrong with it?”
“No. I just want to check out. That’s all,” I say curtly.
“Our policy...” he starts and then pauses. “Right,” he says after catching sight of my death glare. “The suite was paid for,” he says, tapping the computer screen with his index finger.
“I don’t care. I’m not leaving this place until you charge my credit card,” I bark, finally getting his full attention.
He studies me for another moment, pondering whether to call the police, get me some medical help, or give me what I want.
His eyes soften.
“I will lose my job, Miss,” he says quietly.
He’s a young guy, perhaps a few years older than me.
“Ugh… These people.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
I sweep my credit card off the counter and dash to the elevator.
Before long, I storm into my suite, pull out my suitcase, and start packing.
A knock on the door draws my eyes to the entrance.
I muse that it must be the staff, so without giving it a second thought or checking to see who it is, I pace to the door and swing it wide open.
Our eyes clash the very next moment.
I rush to slam the door in his face, yet he’s faster than me and wedges his foot in the door before I can stop him, his eyes burning holes into my face.
“Get the fuck out,” I bark.
His palm goes over my mouth, muffling my scream.
I bite his hand, and he lets go of me before I pivot to a nearby table, grab the complimentary Champagne bottle, crash it against the edge, and hold the big shard of glass between us.
“Don’t you fucking dare to touch me, James Sexton, or I’m gonna fucking kill you. I’m not yours, and I’ll never be yours. Get it into your fucking head. Now go back to your posh life and buy every single fucking thing you want to buy but stay away from me. Go to your fucking women,” I rumble, choking on my dark fury. “I hope you know now why I didn’t want to stay with you back then. Why I didn’t want your money. Just because your money gives you power, you think you can do whatever the hell you want. Teach people lessons. Crush people. Buy people. You thought you could give me to your friends and then abandon me to teach me a lesson. And what exactly was that? Was it payback? Payback for what?”
He’s dark and somber, the power in his eyes breaking me to pieces.
I should fear him right now, yet I look at him defiantly. As if daring him to do something bad and put an end to my misery.
I step closer to him, my eyes blazing.
“Do you know what my life would’ve been had I been yours, James? On a night like this, I would’ve stayed home as you and your friends would’ve taken your girlfriends out for a stroll.”
“I hired those women,” he says flatly and pauses, perhaps waiting for my reaction.
I step back, a chuckle falling from my lips as I wrestle with disbelief.
Our eyes stay locked in a silent war.
“Are you telling me this, James?”
I move closer to him again, searing him with my eyes.
“Huh? Are you?” I ask, my palm flying off my hip and hitting his chest.
His jaw clenches, his eyes throwing flames.
I sense the battle in him, the storm, the vortex of anger that could destroy me in a split second.
He holds his fury back while I keep talking, smiling defiantly, making his torment unbearable.
“I don’t care if you picked them up off the street or put an ad in the local newspaper. I don’t care if they’re virgins or if they suck dick six ways from Sunday. I don’t give a flying crap how you got them.”
“Why did you leave then?” he throws at me.
My eyebrows lift.
“Hmm… Why I left… Well… Because you’d broken my heart over and over again. And seemingly, this was the only lesson that I couldn’t learn from you. No matter how hard you tried to teach me, I came back to you every single time. And I let you close to me, hoping that I was wrong. And you weren’t as bad as I thought you were. But a heart can be so foolish sometimes, and mine is no exception. I didn’t want to see you for who you were because I didn’t want to face reality. And you know what angers me the most? Even though you and your friends had gone the extra mile to make me feel like a despicable woman, I knew exactly what happened between us. Because I knew what I felt in my heart when I had all of you in me and on me. I knew it was more than lust for them. And I knew you hated them for that. But you, James Sexton… You struggled the most with how you felt about me. Even now, they can’t get to me because of you. And at the same time, you can’t decide whether you love me or hate me.”
His eyebrows furrow while his arms fold across his chest.
“It’s not too late to take your pick,” he throws at me. “I’m not standing in your way. Or theirs, for that matter.”
“Don’t get cocky with me, James. It’s easy for you to say that when they know you are the only man I’ve ever loved.”
Silence grows between us while his eyes––a mix of fire and ice––sink into mine.
“You let me close to you as well,” I say in a softer voice. “In the beginning. When it all got started… And then again, a week ago. You let me see inside you. And I know how it felt. And I know how strong it was. Stronger than anything I’d ever felt. And then you had the nerve to pull away from me and leave me there without an explanation. I didn’t mean anything to you?” I murmur, my voice breaking. “You didn’t think that I’d feel crushed? And it would break me? You thought I didn’t have a heart? And I was frozen inside? Like you? Was that it?”
He looks at me, his eyes sparkling faintly, his jaw locked, an almost imperceptible quiver unsettling his chin.
“Did you do that to remind me in a big dramatic way that I was no longer the girl you had in your arms when you made love to me for the first time? That I was nothing but a slut? Someone who’d do anything for a wage? Was that it?”
I search his eyes for a moment as no words come from his lips.
Disappointed, I continue.
“I wasn’t tainted when I met you, was I? And yet, you didn’t want me, did you? And then, when you finally made up your mind, you were furious because things didn’t go your way. And you got mad at me again when you found me in New York, trading my body for cash. Do you think I wanted to do that? Do you? Or do you think that anyone cared about me or gave a damn about me, my family included, when I didn’t have enough money to eat, let alone live? Is that it? Is that what you thought?”
He remains silent.
“Tell me,” I snarl, hitting his chest again.
“No, I did not,” he barks, uncrossing his arms, his voice broken as mine.
He briefly looks away to hide his eyes.
“I didn’t want other men, James. Not for sex and not for money. But I wanted to live. And after I’d left my parents’ home, I no longer had a life. But the thing is… I wouldn’t have had a life with you either.”
He bites the inside of his cheek, tears glistening in his eyes.
“Why did you do it, James?” I murmur, my eyes burning with tears as well. “Why did you have to do it?”
He tips his gaze down, avoiding my stare.
“You could’ve stopped Lex…” I say quietly, prompting him to swing his gaze up.
He reads my eyes for a moment.
I slowly nod.
“Yes. You could’ve stopped him. Regardless of how he feels about me, he would’ve never touched me had you said ‘no’ to him. You didn’t need to share me with them to prove a point.”
“What difference would it have made?” he rasps.
The broken glass slips from my hand, landing on the pile of shards on the floor.
“Yes. What difference would it have made?” I murmur. “You’re right. Probably none. Once upon a time, I was yours. And only yours. Pure, innocent. Untouched. And I wasn’t enough for you or good enough or perhaps bad enough for your taste. Now, I am. Yet you’ve changed your mind again, and you’d rather have the innocent girl chasing you around, but that is no longer possible.”
“It’s not that.”
“Is it not? What is it then?”
I search his eyes, and all I see is a deep-seated pain. And it’s older than me, from way before I became a part of his life.
“I didn’t want to leave you, James.”
“And yet you did...” he says, his voice loaded with regret.
He looks away from me to hide his eyes and pain. And the tension in his clenched jaw.
“There was no other way.”
His eyes gleam in the shadow, churning out another war.
“And why’s that?” he snaps.
“I knew––”
“You didn’t know a damn thing,” he cuts me off angrily, shoving his hands into his pockets. “You just made up your mind,” he adds bitterly. “You thought I was bad? Not trustworthy? Yes, I am. And yes, I was. I’ve always been that way. But even bad things turn good once in a while. You said you knew how I felt inside. Maybe you did. Maybe you didn’t. Had you known me, you wouldn’t have left me the way you did, or at least, you would’ve let me help you,” he says as I already shake my head in disagreement.
“Let me finish,” he barks. “My money was not your problem. I was your problem. And all you needed to do was to listen to your damn heart and give me a fucking chance. That’s the only thing you should’ve done. But you know what? I never expected you to do it. I knew how stubborn you were. And how driven you were to have it your way. How could you possibly know whether I’d get bored with you or not if I didn’t even know that? How? Tell me how. To me, you were that special woman in my life, and maybe I wasn’t ready for you, but you weren’t ready for me, either. Do you think that I wanted to teach you a lesson? Really? What about all the lessons that you taught me? You made sure I understood that I didn’t deserve a second chance because I was corrupt to the core. You didn’t trust me enough to let me redeem myself and prove myself to you. And you taught me that my money wasn’t good for you. You showed me that you’d rather live in a rathole than be with me. That you’d gladly sell your body to a stranger to live another day and also prove a point. You also taught me that for the right wage, you'd cross that line and fuck my best friends.”
My mouth falls open, my breath collapsing in my throat.
What?
Dumbfounded, I stare at him, bleeding inside as if a sword just cut through me. I slowly shake my head, my tears raining on my chest.
“Don’t do this to me, James.”
His jaw locks again, his eyes spewing sheer fury as dark pain floods his words.
“You could’ve said ‘no’ to me in New York. And to them as well. There. That was your choice. The choice you'd thought you'd never had. It was always there, but you had never looked for it. You didn’t even think about it...”
A bitter smile tugs at his lips as he continues.
“You could’ve given me a chance, and I would’ve taught you how to tame me and live with me. How to make me yours. But you didn’t want to do it because you'd never even thought about it.”
I crash onto the couch, my face buried in my hands, silence falling between us.
“Get out,” I say coldly.
Nothing moves for a few moments. I hear a soft rustling as he takes a step in my direction. I leap out of the sofa, my arm pointing to the door.
“Get the hell out!”
He doesn’t move an inch.
“I need to pack my things and leave,” I say in a frosted, hollow voice.
“Where do you go?” he asks, baffled.
“New York.”
“There are no flights.”
“I’m not flying.”
“Rain?”
Without a word, I walk by him and swing the door open.
“Get out,” I say, my voice filled with icicles.
The wall in his eyes crumbles.
“You can’t drive to New York.”
“I can do whatever the hell I want, and nobody can stop me.”
“I can put you on a plane in an hour.”
“I don’t want your plane or your hotel. Get... the... hell... out.”
He stops by me, glass crunching under his shoes.
Out of the corner of my eye, I notice his stare.
“Out, James.”
I slam the door shut as soon as he steps out. A moment later, I scream out my frustration.
* * *
RAIN
Eve finds me curled up in a chair, staring blankly at the window.
“Rain?”
She quietly closes the door behind her.
“Oh, my God... What happened to you?” she asks, her voice flooded with disbelief.
The broken glass crunches beneath her heels, her hand sliding over my shoulder.
“Are you okay?”
I don’t say a thing. I can’t move.
She shakes my shoulder gently.
“Rain?”
She lowers herself in front of me and looks up, trying to catch my gaze.
“Who did this?”
I shift my eyes to her, tears trickling down my face.
“Him? Was it James?” she asks.
Nodding, I begin to sob.
She pushes up to her feet and wraps her arms around me.
“Let’s sit over there,” she says, nudging me to the sofa.
We lower ourselves on the couch, her arm curled around me.
“Did he hurt you?”
I shake my head.
“Here... Take this,” she says, handing me a tissue box. “What happened?” she asks, glancing around. “Were you two fighting?”
I nod.
“Who broke the Champagne bottle?”
“I did,” I murmur.
She softly strokes my hand.
“Was it that bad?”
I nod a couple of times.
“What did he do to you?”
“I can’t tell you.”
She brings her fingers to my face and brushes a few strands of hair away.
“I don’t think your words can be worse than what just happened,” she says.
“I don’t want anyone to know.”
“No one will know. I’m not running my mouth. You know me.”
“No... no. It’s something you shouldn't know either.”
“You think it would change how I feel about you?”
“No... I mean, yes. You may feel sorry for me. Or you might think I’m stupid or worse...”
“What’s worse?”
“I brought it on myself...” I murmur, not answering her question.
“Okay...” she says, encouraging me to continue.
“He paid me.”
“He, um… what? Who paid you?”
I raise my eyes and look at her.
“James Sexton. He paid me. He was my client.”
Her eyebrows tilt up, her eyes widening in surprise.
“He paid me to spend a week with him… in New York. Last week.”
“By that, you mean...”
“Yes. That’s exactly what I mean.”
“And was that bad...?”
I slowly shake my head.
“It was the best time we ever had.”
“And?”
“And then he shared me with Lex and Ed.”
A gasp falls from her lips, and the blood drains from her face, and for a moment, I wonder if she’s still breathing.
Her eyes dart back and forth before a small smile timidly crawls across her lips.
“Was that thing bad...?” she asks in a lighter voice, an amused grin coloring her voice.
I shake my head again.
“No. They made love to me. All of them. And they made me feel like a fucking princess,” I say, letting out a sad chuckle, my tears still trickling down my face. “They showed me their emotions too and were tender with me.”
Her lips finally draw together before she speaks again.
“Okay... You lost me.”
“And then he abandoned me on his island...”
She cocks her head to the side and slowly raises an eyebrow, a smile beaming on her lips.
“Is this a book you write?’ she asks.
I breathe out another soft chuckle.
“I wish,” I say, seriously this time.
“Why would he do that?” she asks, a frown claiming her brow.
“He hates me because I left him and didn’t want his help.”
A sigh leaves her lips.
She looks at me, her thoughts reflected in her eyes.
“You think it was a bad idea too?” I ask.
Her palm slides up my back.
“I don’t know, Rain. It wasn’t one of your best. And in the end, was it all worth it?”
I lower my eyes while she speaks.
“You were so afraid he’d crush your heart if you stayed. But your heart got crushed anyway. It wasn't easier living away from him, was it? In some regards, it was worse. And that’s what he can’t forget, in my opinion. And that’s why he can’t forgive you. There was no way you could escape your fate. Once your hearts were linked, the outcome was bound to be the same... Perhaps if you stayed, he would’ve changed.”
A bitter smile tugs at my lips.
“Men like him never change,” I say, shifting my eyes to her.
“That may be true, but you didn’t even give him a chance.”
“That’s what he says.”
“What do you think would’ve happened had you been with him? As you often said, he might’ve gotten bored with you, but that doesn’t only happen to men like him. It’s men, in general. I got kicked to the curb by a weasel who found his lady weasel and hooked up with her behind my back. And then he lied to me for months until their love affair was ripe, and he finally discarded me as if I was nothing. And now, he’ll have his happily ever after with this woman,” she says. “And start their weasel family.”
My eyes slant down.
I don’t know if I should be crying or laughing.
Eventually, we share a chuckle.
“You’re crazy...” I say.
“It’s the fucking truth. Do you think it’s easier if it’s someone like Andy? At least James has a big warning sign above his head, spelling it out for you. Danger, it says, like one of those hazard signs. Don’t touch it. Or you’ll get electrocuted or poisoned or whatever. Don’t get attached to him, or you’ll get your heart broken. You know what you’re getting into with someone like him. You knew it from the start. Before he even laid a finger on you. But men like Andy? No. Uh-huh,” she says, shaking her head and wagging her finger. “You think he’s cute and safe because he’s soft-spoken and couldn’t throw a punch to save his life. Men like him bring you flowers and talk your ear off, filling your head with stupid nonsense, and you sleep soundly at night, thinking that you have everything figured out and you won the damn lottery with them. And then some sneaky chick comes along, finds him attractive, and puts a spell on him, and off he goes. How is that better?”
She pauses, waiting for an actual response.
“It’s not.”
“There,” she says before a few moments of silence pull away from us.
“I wanted James to love me...” I murmur after a while, my words sounding like a sorrow-drenched confession.
“He probably does...”
I shake my head.
“No. I don’t think so.”
“You carved a piece out of his heart and took it with you. That’s why he can let go of you. Do you think he’d waste his time with a woman who means nothing to him? Do you think he has nothing better to do than mess with some old flame’s life and teach her a lesson unless she means something to him? Do you think there’s a short supply of women he could pay or talk them into his bed? There’s so much stuff that he could do. Why would he mess with you if you mean nothing to him? You are his poison, Rain. You are the only woman who’s ever had him.”