Chapter Five
Geo
I sighed as I collapsed onto the sofa, having changed from my work clothes into loungewear.
Jamal was right about taking the day off from work.
When I was at the office, I felt everyone’s eyes on me, whether they actually were or not.
I didn’t want to answer questions or explain to anyone why I was upset.
I just needed some space to grieve and get my thoughts straight.
Although it was difficult to come home and see Richard’s empty tank. When I found him that morning, I gave him a proper burial in the backyard. I wiped away a tear as I remembered the way he would get excited to see me every day and swim in circles at feeding time.
The only solace I had was knowing that he lived a good life, and a much longer one than the two or three years betta fish usually lived. I also knew that most people didn’t get so attached to fish. They weren’t pets that you could hold or snuggle, but Richard was important to me.
I spent a lot of time in that big house by myself.
Even when my parents were there, I still often felt alone.
Having Richard to talk to and take care of helped me feel a little less lonely.
I think that was why my parents bought him for me in the first place; he was something to keep my attention that wouldn’t make a mess. At any rate, I would miss him terribly.
I wrapped myself in a blanket like a burrito, and spent the next couple of hours flipping through channels I didn’t watch. I couldn’t focus on anything, but the noise was a nice distraction. I thought about making lunch, but I knew I wouldn’t eat it.
I didn’t budge until a knock sounded on the door in the early afternoon.
I would have ignored it, but I was worried it could be an art delivery for my parents.
It would have been out of the ordinary, though; they never had anything shipped to the house until after my work hours, not wanting anything to be left unattended.
Still, it was possible time zones had them confused.
I looked through the peephole to find a man holding a plain brown box. I opened the door for him to say, “Delivery for Geo Larson.”
“That’s me.” It definitely wasn’t a delivery from my parents; they would never call me by that name. I scribbled my signature and the delivery man nodded and left.
Once I was back inside, I detached the note taped to the top of the box that read:
I know no one could replace Richard, but I hope this little guy makes you smile. His name’s Pond; James Pond. All my love, Jamal xx
My hand shook as I popped open the top of the box and lifted out a clear bag of water…and a beautiful blue betta fish. My eyes grew misty again as I watched the little fish swim happily in the bag, thinking about the wonderful man who sent it to me.
Jamal didn’t think my attachment was silly.
He didn’t think I was weak or dramatic for needing time to process the loss and take care of myself.
He encouraged it, and then he did something very special to let me know he was thinking of me, and to lighten my burden.
I knew he was very busy at work, but he took the time to make sure I was taken care of, and that meant the world to me.
I decided right then that I would do something nice for him as well to show my appreciation and love.
Because I truly did love him, and knew without a doubt that he loved me too.
He told me as much, forever lighting a bright spot in a dark time and memory.
But even if he hadn’t said the words, he showed me in so many ways; the caring glances he gave at work to make sure my day was going okay, checking to see if I’d eaten, the gentleness of his touch and kisses.
And now I had physical proof, swimming laps in my hands.
I carried James to the aquarium, resting the bag into the water so that he floated on top.
“There you go, buddy; that’ll let you get used to the water.
I know this is a big change, but I promise to take good care of you.
” After letting him acclimate for a few minutes, I gently tore a hole in the bag, allowing the water and James to escape into the tank, and removed all the plastic.
He took off like a shot, darting from one end of the tank to the other, exploring his new space.
“I’m glad you like your new tank,” I chuckled.
“You know, another special fish lived here before you. His name was Richard Swimmins. He knew a few tricks. It’s okay if you don’t want to learn any; I’m just happy to have you here. ”
It was a little difficult seeing a new creature in Richard’s space, but cathartic at the same time.
Richard would want me to be happy, and to make another little fish happy too.
“Are you hungry?” I shook the jar of food, and to my surprise, James flitted up to the surface, staring right at me.
“Look how smart you are! Eat up, little guy.”
I sprinkled a few pellets into the water and smiled as he gobbled them up. He waited expectantly, but I shook my head. “That’s all for now; I don’t want you to get a bellyache.” With that, James swam off to explore some more. He was very smart indeed.
In much higher spirits, I decided to put my plan of treating Jamal into action. He would be coming to my place later, but I didn’t want to wait. And I wanted to go to him. He always came to my place, or we went out, but I had yet to see where he lived.
Jamal always skirted around the subject, or told me it wasn’t an inconvenience for him to come to me, even suggesting my place was nicer anyway.
But I wanted to show him that none of that mattered to me.
I didn’t care about what he had or didn’t have; I only cared about who he was.
He accepted all of me, even the quirky parts, and I wanted to make it clear I accepted everything about him as well.
And I may have gotten his address from his file at work. It wasn’t snooping; part of my job was to log new employees’ information. It provided me with the perfect opportunity to surprise him, and show him what was important to me.
Since they were still clean, given I hadn't worn them very long, I dressed in my work clothes once more, not wanting to show up to Jamal’s place in my sweats. I bid James farewell and headed out to my car.
I still had a little time before Jamal would be home from work, so I stopped at a florist on my way to buy him a bouquet of beautiful red roses and white lilies.
And even though it was close to dinner time, I wanted to treat him, so I made one more stop at a coffee shop to pick up his favorite drink.
As I drove across town, the scenery slowly but surely changed. Brownstones and high rises gave way to apartment buildings which showed their age through peeling paint and cracked foundations. Many businesses had bars across their windows, and a few had even been boarded up.
If these were the things that had given Jamal pause in inviting me over, I didn’t understand it. I’d been all over the city and seen every part of it. Some areas were different from others, but it didn’t mean anything. I could never think less of him or anyone because of where they came from.
I pulled up to the curb in front of an apartment building which looked very different from my own. It showed its age in the cracks along the faded bricks, and the crumbling cinder blocks of the stoop.
Seated on the steps were a group of guys who looked to be around Jamal’s age. I wondered if they were friends. I smiled to myself, thinking how nice it would be to have buddies nearby.
I stepped out of my car and gathered Jamal’s gifts before giving the group of men a bright smile. I wanted to make a good first impression. Several of them stood up, and I was excited to meet them.
“Are you lost?” One of the men asked, crossing his arms over his chest.
“No, I’m good, but thank you. I’m here to see Jamal.”
“The fuck did you just say?” Now all of the men were on their feet, and walking towards me.
“I, uh…Jamal…Billings…does he not live here?” I was sure I had the address right, but maybe I typed it into my GPS wrong. I took a step backwards towards my car, but the men were all gathered before me.
The tallest in the group was now standing directly in front of me, leaning down so that he was looking dead in my eyes with a menacing gaze. “Tell me why someone like you,” he paused to poke his finger into my chest, making me take another step back, “Is looking for Jamal.”
“I…well, I…” My brain spun as my tongue stuttered, trying to figure out the situation. I’d done something to offend these men, and I held no chance against them. I wasn’t ashamed of my intentions, but I was afraid to speak them out loud.
“And why do you have this shit?” He plucked a rose from the bouquet and tossed it to the ground before stomping on it. I knew instinctively the flower wasn’t the only thing he wanted to hurt.
“Answer him,” another man insisted, his voice booming in my ear. I peeked towards the sound and found another threatening gaze trained on me.
“I…” I didn’t know what to do. My brain told me to drop everything and run, but my feet wouldn’t move. I was frozen with fear and confusion. The group closed in on me and I swallowed hard and tensed, bracing for what was to come.
“What’s going on?” A familiar voice rang out and I finally felt as if I could breathe again. Jamal. He could explain everything. He would help.
The group broke enough for me to see through them.
Any comfort I’d gained fled from my body when my eyes landed on Jamal.
He stood on the sidewalk, dressed casually, holding hands with a beautiful woman.
She had a killer curvy figure, braids that fell past her shoulders, and was holding tight to my man.
“That’s what I’m trying to fucking figure out,” the tall man spat. “This guy says he’s looking for you, and I want to know why.”
Jamal peered around the man to look at me, and for the first time since we’d met, I couldn’t read his expression. It was completely blank. It was as if he was staring at a stranger; not someone he loved or cared about.
“Delivery guy,” he finally answered coldly, before turning to the pretty woman on his arm and giving her the smile that I thought was only reserved for me. “I got them for you.”
“Aw, baby,” she cooed, before lifting up on her toes to kiss his cheek. “You’re the best.” She let go of Jamal’s hand and sauntered up to me, reaching out for the gifts.
They weren’t meant for her, but I let her take them without a fight. I didn’t know what else to do. I felt the color drain from my face as the flowers and cup left my grip. And the remaining pieces of my heart shattered when Jamal dismissed me with, “You can go now.”
My feet were in motion before my brain realized they were moving. My mind couldn’t grasp what was happening. My lungs were too tight for air. As my shaky hand opened the car door, I heard the tall man scoff to Jamal, “For a second there, I thought some shady gay shit was going down.”
“You know me better than that,” Jamal replied with a dagger to my chest.
“I don’t know, man; with all your fancy ass clothes lately, I’d almost believe it.”
The last sound I heard before closing the door behind me was the group’s laughter and barbs at one another. I stomped on the gas and sped off, not looking back. I couldn’t.
Tears flooded my face, and sobs ripped from my chest. I could barely see.
I couldn’t think straight. Even if I could, nothing would make sense.
How could Jamal tell me he loved me, and then send me away like I meant nothing?
How long had he been living a double life?
Why build me up just to tear me down? How was I going to face him at work?
There were too many thoughts in my head and pain in my heart. All I wanted was to go home, hide, and forget the world for a while. I didn’t know how else to deal with the fact that the one person I thought I could count on to put me back together was one one who broke me.