33. Bailey
bailey
. . .
Sadie didn't just want to see the ocean, she decided she wanted to go all the way to the edge of Vancouver Island, a beach she said she had to see that was just before Tofino. Rachel did an incredible job of staying a day or two ahead of Cole’s driving, anticipating how long Sadie could last in a car before we would need to stop and the safest spots for me to avoid getting spotted.
The view was incredible, but I had a hard time taking my eyes off of my sister. It was like she was seeing the world for the first time… or maybe…
Rachel was incredible at taking pictures of the three of us, pictures of Cole and Sadie, although it was hard to miss the pain in his eyes even when he was putting on a brave face for Sadie. And then they urged us to take a few pictures of the two of us at different view points.
When we got to Victoria Sadie had wanted to visit the new exhibit at the botanical gardens, and while I thought that would be incredible to see I knew there was no way for me to go unnoticed in that public of a place.
So I encouraged Sadie and Cole to go together, to take in the flowers, have some one on one time and then maybe we could have dinner by the harbour.
We had chosen to stay at a beautiful farm just outside of the city that was run by a wonderful family, instead of staying at a busy hotel.
I had wondered off when Rachel had taken a call, wandering through a garden that still had hardy greens, a vined hobbit style door caught my attention so I veered off to the right, walking through it and then came to a massive wall of brush and thorns.
I was frustrated at first, feeling lost, feeling like I thought I knew the direction the path I was on was going.
But instead I ended up at a wall of thorns.
We had never been religious people, our parents never took us to church.
But in that moment it felt like the world was giving me a message.
I felt like I did everything right, I felt like I knew the path that life would take me on.
I had suffered so many losses, worked past so much pain…
and still I ended up at a wall of thorns.
“Too bad we are in the wrong season.” I heard Rachel come up from behind me.
“Wrong season?” I asked.
She walked up beside me pointing to the wall of thorns, “That is a massive Blackberry bush. Imagine how sweet of a surprise this would have been just a few months earlier or if we came back next year…”
Berries?
I studied the wall, shaking my head.
Is this the lesson?
No, that was ridiculous…
But was it?
I came home because Cole called. I found out that Sadie had an aggressive incurable disease and she would be lucky to get to spend a few months with her daughter after she was born. But her daughter would be born. I would get a niece…
I shook my head, unsure of where my thoughts were leading me.
“How are you holding up?” Rachel asked.
“Pft… I don’t even know how to answer that question.
I feel like everyone is plastering smiles on their faces and putting on a good act because that is what Sadie wants…
and I want to give her whatever she wants…
but I am struggling with this. I am struggling smiling for pictures when I am thinking this could be the last. I am struggling when she talks so openly and calmly about this being her last trip.
When she is so happy and content with getting a month or two with her baby, with the life she planned and dreamed of with the man she loves…
they won’t even get to celebrate their first anniversary… ”
I didn’t realize I was crying, the words just tumbled out in woosh. I suddenly realized my face was wet and I was out of breath.
“Bailey… I wish I had answers for you, or a solution. I mean that is what I am good at. But you can't work your way through the situation you are in with logic. It won’t work. You need to follow with your heart, but in your case it’s broken and has been broken too many times by the people in your life that should protect it, not break it.
” She pulled me into her side, an unusual sign of affection from Rachel, and squeezed.
“I have known you for a long time, Bailey, over six years and I have seen you put it all on the line for everyone you love. I have seen you give it all and ask for nothing in return…”
I huffed interrupting her, “Not true… I asked Luke to love me.”
She squeezed me again before continuing, “You have been in survival mode for most of your life and the hits just keep on coming. I would be concerned if you weren’t feeling like this.
” Rachel sighed and then turned both of our bodies so we were facing each other, the sun bursting through the vines in bright golden rays.
“I don’t have advice for you. There is no easy way to get through this kind of thing.
But I will be here with you no matter what. ”
I hiccupped, giving a wonky smile, asking “Even if I don't ever do anything in music ever again and I am a washed up, has been?”
Rachel smiled at me, “Even if… and just from my point of view Bailey. Even though Luke fucked up… and I mean royally. I have no doubt that he loves you.”
I closed my eyes, taking in her words, when we heard the rumble of an engine coming up the dirt road. I thought maybe it was one of the farm hands, or someone from the main house, until I heard doors close and a squeal I would know everywhere.
“Oh my god Cole the goats are out… I have been manifesting goats for the property since we started that Pinterest board and they have them… look how cute….”
I smiled despite myself and then opened them looking right at Rachel, I sighed, “I am going to have to get goats aren’t I?”
Rachel laughed and then turned tucking her arm into mine, “Well you can always be a goat shepherd… hearder… when you are a washed up, has been.”
We walked arm and arm, the cool wind whipping my hair around us, until we came out beside the barn that backed the fenced area for the goats and guardian dogs.
I paused for a moment taking in the sight of Sadie enamoured with a particularly cute goat, giving it nose kisses and talking softly and then Cole.
Cole who looked frozen in place, a solitary tear slipping down his cheek while he watched my sister in awe.
I couldn't help it, I sucked in a breath choking back my own tears and Sadie turned to me.
“Add goats to the list with the pigs and chickens.”
I could barely get words out so I nodded and choked out, “Ok.”
Rachel stepped ahead of me, walking straight to Sadie. “How were the gardens, I hear they are stunning year round.”
I pulled myself together and moved past them and next to Cole.
“They were ok. But this place is so much nicer and I missed being in our little group.”
I looked up at Cole, knowing that wasn’t the full truth. He just shook his head, no. I took a deep breath and looked back at my sister.
“I think a nap is in order for this little nugget,” she said as she rubbed her growing belly, “And then I think we should eat and plan the next leg of this tour.”
Rachel laughed, leading her back towards the little cottage we had rented while Cole and I remained frozen in place.
We stood staring at the goats, the sun bright and hot for November, for minutes that felt like hours before he spoke.
“She told me the baby was making her tired, but I know… she was dizzy and nauseous. So I grabbed some of her favourite crackers and soda water from the gas station and we came back.”
I didn’t respond and he didn’t add anymore. We stood side by side, knowing that it would only get worse, but that we needed to do this for her. We needed to give her every second of life and joy we could and then we needed to do the same for their little girl.