34. Bailey
bailey
. . .
Speechless is probably the best way I could describe myself in this moment.
We made it to the beach Sadie wanted to see, this incredible stretch of land where all you could see was sand and water. It was like nothing else existed beyond you in that moment.
Without hesitation Sadie stripped off her shoes and socks, hopping sideways a little lop sided until Cole jumped in to steady her, then stripped off her pants so that she was in her shirt and wrapped sweater and not much else.
She didn’t ask if anyone was coming with her, didn’t hesitate. Sadie walked right in without an inch of fear, without a reaction to the temperature of the November ocean water. She just surrendered to the moment, to the experience.
I stood breathless, speechless watching her…
until she turned, the sun casting a glow around her silhouette and smiled.
I couldn't have stopped myself if I tried.
Without thought I mirrored Sadie's movements, stripping down to my underwear and T-shirt, not caring who was around to see me for the first time in my entire life.
Sadie's smile, somehow, grew even bigger when she saw me running towards her. I sucked in a breath when my feet met the freezing water, but I didn’t stop.
I couldn't control much, but I could control myself. I could choose what I gave my time and energy to.
So I didn't figuratively dive into this experience with Sadie, I dove. I dove head first into the incoming wake allowing the water to swallow me, allowing myself a frozen moment in that wake to feel everything. Then when I surfaced and came face to face with my sister.
Face to face with every choice that stood before me… I chose her.
I smiled and gave my best Sadie squeal before letting my body fall back into the water.
When I resurfaced she was right there pulling me up with such a look of peace and joy about her that it hurt.
But as she pulled me into her arms, the only arms I could ever truly trust, the waves came tumbling down around us, but we stood firm, Sadie wrapping her soggy sweater around me, pulling me close, while we looked out into the vast expanse of ocean.
Cheek to cheek, nothing else existed at that moment but me and her.
Cole and Rachel didn’t let us stay in the water long, pulling us out and wrapping us up in blankets until we got dry.
Sadie and I rode in the back together leaving Tofino, wrapped in a quilt she found from a local artist, watching the sun play through the massive trees and just quietly enjoying being with each other.
I thought about that day and that whole experience our entire trip back.
When we stopped to walk the Cathedral Trail and got to stand in the presence of giant ancient trees.
Or when we found an incredibly blue pool of water off of a truck stop and all of us made our way down the narrow path to take in the view nature was giving us.
We stopped for ice cream and the woman behind the counter had pointed us to a trail across the highway with a small hand made sign saying “this way to the hole in the wall”.
All these experiences were amazing and breathtaking all on their own, but I couldn’t help watching Sadie and replaying Rachel’s words and then our time in the water.
Sadie’s nausea didn’t get better, if anything it got worse after we got off the ferry.
The doctor had prescribed medicine for her to take but she said it made her too sleepy to pay attention, too tired to take in everything she wanted to experience.
So the trip back took longer than the trip out, but no one said a thing.
At one point, while I was driving to give Cole a break, the song that Rhett had written for me came on the radio and Sadie cranked up the volume singing like it was her favorite song.
She rolled down the windows even though it was too cold for it and let her hand play in the wind as she sang.
We all joined in, and it felt like one of the moments you will never forget…
It wasn’t what people were saying on the radio, it wasn’t a song I had recorded with an absolute legend…
It was watching Sadie sing a song with so much joy, so much energy, rolling down the windows and letting it all go.
Like that one moment freed her of so much more than we would ever know.
So again I dove. I let the feel of the frigid wind whip at my face while I sang a song written for me to help me heal my broken heart.
I let every moment, every word sink in as I sang along with Sadie to one of my songs.
“You say I look a little different
Like the storm rolled through my hair
Like I traded quiet heartbreak
For a little I don’t-care
Maybe I got tired of waiting
For a ghost to come back home
Maybe I got tired of loving
Someone better left alone
I spent too many nights
Trying to hold that line
But tonight I’m drawing mine
I’m tired of being alone
So turn it up, let the speakers break
Let the midnight make its mistakes
If the rumours start to fly again
Let ’em ride the wind
I’m done being the girl who stayed
For a love that slipped away
If you’re asking how I’m doing now
Baby look around
I’m a little louder, a little unchained
A little reckless in the best damn way
If losing you’s the price I pay
Then I guess I’m wild again
Well I heard your name on the radio
Half the world trying to guess your heart
But the truth ain’t in the headlines
It’s right here in this bar
You’ve been carrying a ghost around
Like it’s something you should keep
But every queen I ever met
Knows she needs to be seen
You can burn that past
Like a photograph
Watch it fade to black
Like ash falling to the ground
So turn it up, let the speakers break
Let the midnight make its mistakes
If the rumours start to fly again
Let ’em ride the wind
You were never meant to stay
In a love that dimmed your flame
If you’re asking how you’re doing now
Baby look around
You’re a little louder, a little unchained
A little reckless in the best damn way
If losing him’s the price you paid
Then you’re wild again
Let the highway lights burn through the dark
Let the world hear the beat of a healing heart
Every scar’s just a spark in disguise.
And tonight we let it rise
So turn it up, let the speakers break
Let the midnight make its mistakes
If the rumours start to fly again
Let ’em ride the wind”
At the last stop of our trip I stepped out of the cabin we had rented and I watched the sun setting down around the trees and Rockies.
I stayed leaning against the porch railing until the sky went from gold to purple.
Until Sadie's voice pulled me back inside. I watched the sun fade into the night feeling so afraid of what was to come, but knowing I wouldn’t be anywhere else.
So after just over two weeks of traveling, as we pulled back into the compound and I got out of the truck the last thing I expected was…
“Sunshine?”