36. Luke
luke
. . .
Sitting on the front porch of my parents' brand new home felt surreal. The air was cold, nipping at my cheeks and nose, but mom had made sure I was wrapped up, dressed for the weather. Just like when I was little. Just like when I couldn’t do it for myself.
My eyes trailed across the property, the houses finished and still being built and finally settled on the one that looked like no one had touched yet… Ours… hers…
She really did it…
Shame and sorrow were a constant friend and Noah told me that the doctor warned him my moods could swing drastically, that the meds would help, but I needed to be watched by a team who specialized in this and I needed the help to ensure I would never end up here again.
How did I get here?
Two… no… maybe a day ago, Noah had told me I got accepted to the rehab facility north of Summit City and that he would be driving me there tommo… no today. I was leaving today.
Time was playing funny tricks on me, I had somehow missed an entire day. The past and present playing tricks with my mind.
I had woken up from a dream, thinking that Bailey was right beside me.
I felt the space beside me searching for her only to find the space empty and cold.
Rolling I had realized I wasn’t home. I wasn’t with Bailey.
The tears came fast and I curled up into the fetal position until sleep pulled me under again.
I wanted to see her, god did I miss her. But what could I say? How could I explain any of it, when I didn't even really understand my choices. How do you tell the love of your life that you blew up your marriage and broke promises because you were terrified to lose her… how…
I wanted to explore the property, see what everyone had created with this space. Mom would sit with me and talk about the barns, the cider, the help… but not Bailey.
When I asked her about Sadie’s wedding, she started crying and made an excuse that she had to do the laundry before walking off. My dad standing at the entryway to the living room watching me with guarded eyes.
Noah wouldn’t answer any of my questions, but I heard bits and pieces. None of it made sense or added up to much in my mind. He had told me that depending on what the doctor said, that maybe during the first family session or visit that he would answer my questions.
I couldn’t understand why they were so worried about me finding out…
Bailey…
Was Bailey with someone? Had… had she moved on?
Noah came out of the house with my bags and loaded everything up in his truck, talking quietly with mom and dad. A sound of tires on gravel caught my attention, and then Noah was beside me telling me it was time to get going.
Mom looked panicked and dad looked pissed.
What was going on?
I watched as a vehicle pulled into the spot in front of Sadie and Cole’s place.
My heart rate kicked up as Noah tried to get me to the truck.
But I was frozen in place, blonde hair that I knew too well came into view haloed by the sun.
She was getting out of the back seat on the opposite side to me, Cole and Rachel getting out of the front.
Rachel shot Noah a look I didn’t understand.
Is this why they were rushing me… they… she didn’t want to see me.
But then she turned and her face came into full view, taking my breath away. Once I finally found my breath I managed to croak out, “Sunshine?”
Not sure if my mind was playing tricks on me again. Not sure if she was really this close to me again.
Bailey froze, her whole body going rigid. Finally she brought her golden eyes up to lock onto mine and my knees almost buckled, it was her. She was here… real.
We both stood frozen in place. She closed her eyes for a moment, looking like she was bracing herself.
Because of me…
Then her eyes opened and without a word she came around the car and opened up the other door, talking to someone in the back.
Sadie… was that Sadie?
What is going on?
“Bailey?” I tried again.
She didn't respond, calling for Cole. He came running up beside her and then a minute later he stood, pulling Sadie into his arms and going towards their home without saying a word.
Bailey stood facing away from us for a minute, before turning and letting her eyes move across Rachel, Mom, Dad and Noah. Eventually she turned to Rachel, “Is this why you wanted me to go on that trip?”
Rachel didn’t falter, “No.”
Bailey scoffed, but Rachel continued. “It isn’t the reason Bailey and even though you are shocked and probably pissed right now, you know that. You know the reason. But Luke called asking for help and so…”
She trailed off and Bailey finally turned fully to me, her eyes moving over me and then a choked sound came out of her. “What… oh my god… Luke?”
I couldn't help myself, with the little energy I had I pulled away from Noah and was moving forward. I barely made it to her before my knees hit the ground right in front of her. It took me a minute to catch my breath, no one saying anything. The sound of crying mixing in with the wind.
When I finally looked up Bailey's beautiful face was tear stained and she looked broken…
I did that… I…
“Sunshine… are you… is this real?”
A garbled sound came out of her and a shaky hand reached out brushing hair away from my eyes.
She didn't answer, just stood there a look of so much pain across her face. I couldn't help myself. I leaned forward, my head touching her stomach. She didn’t push me away and eventually her hand cupped the back of my head, fingers threading through my hair, her body shaking. My arms came up holding her to me. Hoping this wasn’t a dream, that my mind wasn’t messing with me.
The wind danced around us, her scent soothing me, the feel of her beside me.
“I… I am so sorry…” I finally choked out.
I don’t know how much time had passed, I could have stayed there with her forever, finally having her in my arms… finally…
‘I can’t…” Her voice was barely more than a whisper.
Her hand left my hair and she tried to step back, but I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t lose her again.
I…
“I can’t do this Luke.”
Why did it sound like she was gasping for air?
I tried to look up, to ask her what was wrong. I…
But Noah was there, pulling us apart. Bailey stepped back, her hands covering her face, it looked like she was sucking in air…
“Sunshine?”
She didn’t answer, and didn't look at me again. She spun around and ran off. Dad followed behind her.
“I can fix this.” I whispered.
“Let’s go Luke.” Noah sounded so far away, his voice broken.
“I am sorry… I can fix this…” My voice was rising… “Bailey… please… come back… I can fix this.”
But she was gone, swallowed by the sun. So I let Noah help me up.
Let him get me into his truck, let mom give me kisses goodbye and promise she’d visit as soon as she could.
But my mind was on her. My sunshine. I needed to get better, I needed to fix what was broken inside of me… I needed to fix this.
I kept repeating that in my mind, a quiet promise that I would do better. That when she saw me next I wouldn't cause her so much pain. As we drove down the lane, I caught one last sight of her standing at the edge of a field, dad watching her from not far away. She looked so small out there.
I will come back Bailey, I will fix this.
I rolled down the window and whispered, “I love you.” hoping the wind would carry my heart to her. Hoping she could hold on to that knowledge until I could fix what was broken.