37. Bailey
bailey
. . .
The gut punch I had felt when I allowed myself to fully take Luke in, was visceral. Like my whole body was rebelling at the truth that was in front of me.
It had felt too good, too comfortable to allow him to hold me, to comfort each other. But the site of Luke, broken, sick, hollowed out. I had to get away from him. Too many feelings were battering me at the same time and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Sadie was getting worse, quicker then we had thought and Luke was home… Luke was here and he wasn’t ok.
When I had finally calmed down and saw Thomas watching me, I just shook my head and walked past him.
I knew he was just behind me, but giving me enough space to feel all the things I was feeling.
I didn’t go to Cole and Sadies first, I went straight for where I knew Rose and likely Rachel would be.
Kicking off my boots at the entrance, Thomas quiet behind me, I stormed into the kitchen finding them exactly where I thought they would be.
Both of them were standing at the island, looking up at me like they knew I would come.
“Bailey… are you ok?” Rose asked first.
“No… and you know I’m not, Rose.”
No one said a thing to that, Thomas passed by me, taking his seat at the table, quietly observing.
“So was there a group vote that I got left out of?” I demanded.
Rose said “no” at the same time Rachel answered “kind of.”
Pushing my hands through my hair, I started to laugh. Not a cute laugh or a soft laugh… like maybe I had finally lost it kind of laugh. I wanted to cry and maybe scream, but instead of tears I was laughing.
When I finally got control of myself I locked onto Rachel, asking her to explain.
She sighed and set her coffee mug down, “I had heard rumours that Luke wasn’t doing well.
But hadn’t heard anything concrete. Then I got a call from Luke one night, and he asked me for help…
Bailey he sounded so broken. So I made a plan and… ”
I gasped, interrupting her, remembering the little meeting she had with Noah, Rhett and Jackson before they went back to Nashville.
My mind started to work through what this could mean, “How is he getting out of his contract with the studio and Dave.”
Rachel looked out the window before looking back at me, “I don’t know. Jackson said he was going to take care of it, I haven’t gotten any of the details yet.”
I spun in a circle trying to keep myself from screaming, “Ok I need you to go back to Nashville, figure out what Jackson has been working on, and see what we can do to get Luke out from under Dave.”
Rachel nodded and I didn’t think I had the energy for a conversation with Rose right now, so I turned and started to walk away.
“Bailey, I am sorry sweety but he's my son and I…”
I held up a hand interrupting her, taking a deep centering breath so I wouldn’t lose all control.
“If you think I am upset because you helped Luke, then you obviously don’t know me. That is not why I am upset. And right now… I… I can't do this right now. I need to process… I need to not deal with something more. I just can’t…”
I didn't turn or wait to hear what anyone said. I walked to the front door, slid on my boots and went and sat on my empty front porch until my fingers were cold and then I made my way back to Sadie and Cole’s.
Rachel had been back in Nashville for three weeks. Three weeks of the label pushing for me to perform at Christmas Spectaculars and New Years Eve events. I had told her to handle it. That I was not traveling anywhere, I couldn’t leave Sadie.
Sadie… who kept lying about how she was feeling, who was slipping away and still happily picking out baby clothes online and planning for a future for her little girl that she wouldn’t be a part of.
And then there was Cole who kept refusing to lean on his friends.
Refused to go to Adam’s pub opening, or even tell him what was going on.
Like he was terrified to leave her side.
Rose and Noah had left in the morning to go to Luke’s first family visitation since he was admitted to rehab. It had taken me a few days to come to terms with how bad things had gotten for him. But I think after a while, after you get hit after hit after hit… You just kind of go numb.
Sadie suggested I speak to someone, but I couldn't even imagine trying to wrap my head around everything I was dealing with right now and unpacking it for a complete stranger.
So that is why I was in Thomas’s truck, my hands trembling on the wheel as I sat outside the staff exit at the hospital. I had told Cole and Thomas that I was going into Summit City for last-minute shopping, but the truck seemed to take me to where I really needed to be.
I had tried my hardest to accept what Sadie was asking for, but everything in me was screaming that if I gave up, if I did what she asked… I was as good as responsible for her death.
I had done so much in my life, given so much, I did everything asked of me. I didn’t stop or slow, no matter what was thrown my way. I did it all so that we could have the dream life.
But I felt like a fraud; I felt like I was constantly failing everyone I loved.
I failed to see that Luke needed help and instead walked away from him.
I am failing my sister now; I am sitting by and letting her die.
Everyone is walking around in a fucking bubble pretending that this is just another December, another Christmas season. But it is not.
Sadie is pregnant and dying and Luke is in rehab.
Nothing is normal… it is not ok.
Out of the truck, the snowflakes are swirling in a perfect dance. I could hear Sadie’s voice: “It looks like someone shook the snow globe. It’s so pretty, Bailey. Come outside with me.”
I hadn’t realized what I was doing, but I was out of the truck before I registered the decision.
I started pacing, and then I stopped, my face tilted up to the sky, letting the snow swirl and dance around me.
Letting the tears stream, letting myself feel small…
letting my storm of emotions mix with the snow around me.
“Miss… Are you ok?”
I looked up, and Sadie’s Oncologist was walking towards me. Wiping furiously at my face, realizing how crazy I must look and what the public would say if someone got a picture of me out here like this.
“Hi… I am sorry,” he looked around the parking lot and stopped walking.
“Shit, sorry, I am not crazy, I…” I pulled off my toque and took a step closer, under one of the parking lot lights.
“I am Sadie Mercer’s sister… I tried to make an appointment to see you, but I am not a patient, and you are so busy, and I… ”
Shit, was I hyperventilating?
Her doctor took a few more steps my way, a kind, but worried look on his face. “Just take a deep breath Miss Brooks.”
He stood patiently while I got myself under control, then he sighed and looked at his watch.
Taking another step forward into the light with me.
“I don’t know what you think I can help with, She has been…
” I cut him off feeling the panic surge again, “I know and that is why I needed to talk to you. She is giving up. She needs help. She isn’t doing well and it’s like I am watching her fade away day by day and …
I need to do something. I can’t… what if you took something from me…
what if I gave something… I… I don't even know if that makes sense.. But I can’t… . God I can’t breathe.”
He took the final steps to me and as I knelt over sucking in air, he calmly rubbed my back letting the panic settle.
His voice was soft when he spoke, “I know this is hard for you. Often at this stage it is harder on the loved ones to accept then the patient. But this is what Sadie wants and to reassure you … there is nothing you could do to change the outcome. There is nothing you can do… but be with her. Help her get to a safe and healthy delivery of her baby and then we will work with the palliative team assigned to your sister to make her final months as comfortable as possible, give her as much time with her baby as we can.”
I understood what he was saying, but it felt unreal. Like my brain couldn't accept the reality, the truth in his words. A timer went off on his phone and he stepped back checking his watch again. I scanned him, noting he was in a tuxedo and not his usual scrubs.
“Oh I am so sorry, are you supposed to be somewhere?”
He smiled at me, saying, “My wife's Christmas party…” he looked torn for a moment, looking back at me, “But I can call her, tell her I will be late. We can go to my office...”
“No… please..” I interrupted him, “Please don’t miss time with your wife for me. Go, I promise I will be ok.”
For a minute it didn’t look like he believed me, the poor man looked so torn. So I gave my best practiced smile and reassured him. “Please I would feel horrible if you missed plans with her. Please go, have a wonderful night.”
He looked like he was going to argue but a smooth voice broke through the silence, “It’s ok I can stay with her.”
Sadie’s doctor stepped back and a man dressed in scrubs and a wool coat came into view.
“I am sorry I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. But I stopped, thinking I would let the conversation play out and then…
” He looked a little sheepish, and not all that much older than me.
With dark brown hair and eyes that matched.
“Miss Brooks, I don't want to leave you if you are uncomfortable.” Sadie’s doctor chimed in.
The young doctor stepped forward offering his hand, “My name is Chase Morgan.”
I tried to give my best smile back, offering my mitted hand, “I’m Bailey.”
With a little coaxing Sadie’s doctor left to go meet his wife for her Christmas party and I stayed talking to a stranger in a parking lot, spilling all my secrets that I don’t think I had ever said out loud.
The snow fell around us, as we leaned against the truck, he listened more than he spoke but then as the time passed it felt like a weight had been lifted off of me.
I felt a little lighter, a little clearer and ready to go back to the compound and be whatever Sadie needed me to be.