42. Bailey
bailey
. . .
Itook the opportunity to sneak out of the house when Rose came over to take Iris’s one-month baby pictures. Everyone had been really great at capturing every moment since she was born.
It took two weeks for Sadie to be released from the hospital, and I thought I would be relieved to have her home, but somehow it feels like the ticking clock is louder, and I hate it.
I hate that I can’t get that out of my head, that I can not just let go like she wants and be in the moment with her. And Cole… He is being so brave, so strong. But I know this is slowly killing him on the inside.
He told me the other day that he went to see her oncologist to ask if there was anything else that could be done now that Iris was born, and he got the same answer I did when I went.
I am pretty sure the doctor thinks we are beyond crazy now.
And if that wasn’t enough, the label is breathing down Rachel’s neck and I…
I didn’t realize I had walked myself in a large circle around the private section of the compound and ended up at the house that was built for…
Another person I have been avoiding, even though he feels like he is everywhere. He has been spending a lot of time with Sadie, and not even Cole knows why.
I take in a deep breath; the bite in the air is finally gone, but spring isn’t here just yet.
Moving on autopilot, I enter the empty house and head towards the room with the best view.
When we used to dream about this life, he would tell me that the best view should be from our room or the nursery.
That as I rocked or nursed our babies that I should have the prettiest view to look at, and I told him I would, no matter where I was, because of the baby that we would have made that would be in my arms.
I rub at the ache in my chest and come to an abrupt stop when I get to the room because standing at the window is…
“Luke…” His name escapes my lips on a breath. I don’t know how he hears me, but he does, and when he turns and his midnight blue eyes meet my golden ones, I have to suck in a breath.
We haven’t been this close, haven’t been alone…
He has tears in his eyes when he whispers, “Sunshine.”
A garbled sound comes out of me and I can’t… I can’t do this right now. So I turn and make my way through the house that was supposed to be ours. But he is right behind me.
“Bailey, please stop. Don’t go.” It's a plea with so many feelings woven in.
But what does he expect from me?
I keep moving, feeling like everything will burst out of me if I don’t. I feel his hand on my arm when he says, “Please. If you want space, I will leave, but don’t run away.”
That has some kind of crazy laugh bubbling out of me, because he doesn’t want me to run…
Slipping free from his grip, I yank my arm and step back, and as we stare at each other, I realize how much I miss him.
I miss the Luke that was my person. I don’t even know the last time I saw that version of him.
But for some reason, I feel like he is right here in front of me, and that makes me…
angry… hurt… so fucking lonely. Because I have wanted Luke by my side…
But I can’t have him because he broke us and we are getting divorced and…
I cover my face with my hands because I feel like I am going crazy. It’s too much… everything is too much and “it’s not fair”.
I don’t realize I say it out loud until I hear him respond, “I know, sunshine.”
I can feel everything bubbling under the surface; my breath picks up and my heart feels like it is trying to beat out of my chest. I want to run. I want to push it all down and just run… but I hear Sadie say, “I need to know that you are going to be okay when I am gone.”
“I am not okay.” It comes out like a confession that I didn’t know I needed to make.
It’s quiet for a minute, and my chest is heaving, and I think that I might be having a panic attack, but then I feel warm, familiar, calloused hands pulling my hands away from my face.
He is so close, and all I want to do is nestle my face into his chest and let him take this away.
I want to be in the arms of my first and only love.
I want to feel safe and comforted by him…
“No one expects you to be okay right now, Bailey…” I cut him off with a nasty laugh that doesn’t sound like me, before responding, “Are you fucking kidding me? Everyone expects me to be okay ...” I step back, still breathing hard.
“You need to either let yourself feel Bailey or you need to decide to let it go. With me and with Luke. Burying everything, choking down your feelings isn’t healthy. And we need you to be happy and healthy.” Sadie’s voice playing in my mind.
But how do you do that? How do you feel all of this… it’s too much and I don’t even know how to let all of this go. That feels impossible.
Luke is standing in front of me, in a house that was supposed to be ours, and I don’t even think it is a conscious decision when the damn finally breaks and the words come tumbling out.
“I am not okay,” I say louder now, “And I have no idea how I ever will be again.” I gasp and take another step back, continuing, “The fucking label have been threatening me, so Rachel convinced me to let her tell them what is going on with Sadie… and I think it is almost worse that they know.” I take a deep breath trying to look anywhere but at Luke as I let everything come tumbling out, “They keep asking when… Like… like they want to get her death out of the way so I can go back to being their money train… And they keep pushing for me to perform and they are pissed because Jackson and Rhett refuse to play our songs with anyone but me, saying we can perform when I am ready… They are trying to be supportive and on my side but I think that is making it worse…”
I try to take in air, trying to take a deep breath, but my chest feels tight, so I walk over to the big window in the living room and put my hand on the cool glass, trying to ground myself.
Luke still hasn’t said anything; he is standing there watching me, letting me get it out.
I look out the window at the most incredible view, but I don’t see it…
I see… “And I was stupid enough to go online, I was up with Iris one night and decided to scroll through my social media… and people… they are saying so many ridiculous, mean and crazy things… and how can they say they love you one minute and then the next…”
I feel him close behind me and the tightness in my chest, the pressure of being perfect, of always being on… what’s the point when you end up losing everything anyway… what’s the fucking point?
I spin and move towards Luke, stabbing my finger into his chest, demanding, “How… How Luke?” He looks down at me with a question in his eyes and then I can see the moment, I can see when he understands what I am asking, but I am not done, “How can you love me one minute and then toss me aside like I am nothing the next?”
Luke scrunches up his face as if the question caused him physical pain. He shakes his head ‘no’ before saying, “I am so sorry, Bailey.”
I step back, feeling everything all at once. “You can’t be sorry that you stopped loving me, Luke. It was a choice you made!”
He matches my step, so many emotions playing over his beautiful face, “No! I am not apologizing for not loving you, Bailey. That isn’t even possible. I am sorry that I made you believe it… I am sorry that I made you feel for even a second that I didn’t love you.”
I gasp and reply, “How can you say that? How can you say that you still love me? How do you love someone and do what you did…”
I can feel the tears streaming down my face, clawing at my chest, trying to get in enough air. Luke moves, and suddenly I am wrapped in his arms. He tucks me into him like he has a million times before. “Breathe, Bailey.”
I want to fight my way out of his arms, because it feels so good to be back here again, but it also hurts…
“I can’t,” I choke out, “It hurts too much…. Everything hurts.”
He holds me tighter, as if he is trying to hold me together as I sob in his arms. He murmured into my hair, “I know, baby, and I am so sorry. I am here. It’s ok. Let it out.”
I feel suddenly too heavy, and my legs threaten to give out.
Luke lowers us to sit with me on the ground in the middle of the empty living room of our dream house as I sob in his arms. He tucks me onto his lap as he rocks us back and forth.
I cry as he murmurs reassurances, apologies, and how much he loves me.
I don’t know how long we stayed like that, but when I woke up in my bed, it’s dark out.
I sit up instinctively, looking for him, but Luke is nowhere to be seen, and I don’t know why I expected him to be here.
I don’t know anything anymore except that the pressure in my chest doesn’t feel so heavy, so overwhelming.
I feel something soft beneath my hand, and when I look down, I see that I have the sweater Luke was wearing clutched in my hand.
I don’t let myself overthink it when I lie back down and snuggle my face into his sweater and get the best night’s sleep I had in months.