Chapter 5
Well that went down like a lead balloon, I realise, watching Stella’s and Em’s faces fall as they immediately stop laughing to process my news.
‘Sorry what?’ Stella blinks. ‘For a minute there I thought you said Otis, your ex-boyfriend, is still living in your flat. That you pay for.’
‘Mmm,’ says Em, frowning. ‘You know that saying “he’s living rent free in my head”? You’re not meant to take that literally, Jessie. Especially when you’ve ended the relationship.’
‘Okay, well, don’t be cross,’ I say to them, trying to see the situation from the outside. ‘He is still in my flat but only because I felt so sorry for the poor guy. He’s been so heartbroken! And I sort of haven’t? Which makes me feel even worse. I’m forever finding him poring over old photos of us on his laptop. Once I got back from work and he was reading poems about heartbreak aloud and having a little cry.’
‘What a drip.’ Stella tuts.
‘Poor Otis,’ I mutter.
‘Mate, he’s not poor! He’s taking advantage of your beautiful kind nature!’
I wince. ‘It seemed like the charitable thing to do when we first split up. I said he could stay just for the first few days while he got himself sorted.’
‘And that was two months ago!’ says Stella, balking.
‘I know! I do see that he needs to move out because it’s just weird now. I keep sending him links to possible flats to rent and he keeps ignoring me. When we first broke up, I tried to implement a food-labelling system but he just eats all my food and drinks all my tea. It’s like he just won’t listen .’
‘Mate, this is not okay. We need to get Otis out,’ Stella says.
‘Totally,’ I agree. ‘And when I get back to Carpston I’m going to have a strong word with him.’
Stella and Em glance at each other and I get a feeling I’m about to be ganged up on. I gird my loins.
‘Oh no,’ Em says, sloshing some more wine into all of our glasses. ‘You’re going to kick him out now.’
‘Now?’ I echo, wine buzz very much crashing and burning.
‘Yes.’ Stella nods, like Em just had a brilliant idea. ‘Excellent.’
‘Now?’ I repeat. ‘Guys, I’m not going back to Carpston tonight. It took me hours to get here and it’s so pretty at this hotel and I’m not sure Carl’s sicky cab will have dried out yet and to be honest, I’ve had quite a few drinks now. Who’s to say I won’t be the next mortal customer vomiting all over his taxi?’
‘There’s a lot to unpack here,’ says Stella. ‘But let’s focus on the main point. Who said anything about going back to Carpston?’
‘Yeah, just call him,’ Em says like this is the simplest thing in the world.
‘What, do it on the phone ?’ I ask, horrified. ‘That seems a bit cruel, no? Surely this kind of delicate conversation should be had face to face.’
‘Dude! I’d drop him a WhatsApp if it were me.’ Stella chuckles.
‘I once ended a relationship during an Instagram live.’ Em grins.
‘You guys are brutal!’ I’m trying not to smile back for propriety’s sake.
‘Actually, Jessie, you’re just not brutal enough. We’re not even talking about ending a relationship here, you’ve already done that. Now you’ve just got to clean up the mess.’
‘I am fed up with mess,’ I concede, briefly feeling sorry for myself. Honestly, today has been a stain-fest and now I’m being pressed into clearing up emotional stains too? It feels like a lot!
‘You need to seal the deal,’ Stella says sharply. ‘Look at it through his eyes. Allowing him to stay in your flat is like you’ve left the relationship on life support, it’s no wonder he’s clinging on.’
‘So true.’ Em nods. ‘It’s time to unplug the ventilator, Jessie.’
I chew my bottom lip. ‘Do we have to make this sound like I’m about to kill Otis? I feel bad enough as it is!’
‘RIP Otis.’ Em presses her hands together in prayer.
‘It’s been … quite dull knowing you,’ Stella chips in solemnly, her eyes lighting up as she sees Em grabbing my bag.
‘Oh my god, stop!’ I snort, trying to get my bag back. But Em’s arms are too long and she’s already hidden it behind her chair.
‘Em, what are you doing?’ I ask, attempting stern. She pulls my phone out of the bag and brandishes it at me, eyes gleaming.
‘No!’ I yelp.
‘Yes, Emerald!’ Stella claps, egging her on.
‘You wouldn’t,’ I say, even though I know that she very much would. At least she can’t open it without face recognition. I’m about to smugly announce the spanner in their works when Stella points over Em’s shoulder and gasps.
‘Oh my god, WHAT is Dita doing?’ she says, gawping.
I turn to stare. The next thing I know, Em has shoved my own phone into my face while I stare gormlessly at a woman who is doing nothing more thrilling than eating her dinner. The phone is unlocked. Damn it.
‘Emerald!’ I wail as she high-fives Stella. ‘Stella! Stop ganging up on me.’
But my pleas fall on deaf ears.
‘It’s for your own good,’ Stella insists.
‘It’s ringing,’ Em says.
OH NO.
‘At least let me go somewhere more private!’ I hiss.
Em puts it on speakerphone and leans in to listen.
‘Hey, Jess.’ Otis picks up quickly, his voice broadcast around our table.
Stella blows a silent raspberry and Em sticks her thumbs down. I try not to look.
‘Hi, Otis,’ I say, desperately trying to gather my wits and speak in my firmest voice at the same time. ‘I wanted to—’
‘I found the teabags,’ he interrupts, as if his inability to make a brew has been at the forefront of my mind since his earlier text. ‘You’re going to need to buy some more, we’re almost out. Actually, Jess, while I’ve got you, do we have a plunger? I’ve blocked the loo again. Bit of bother with my digestive system.’
Stella mimes being sick. Em wrinkles her delicate nose. I look around me to make sure that no other hotel guests are listening in to this. It’s so embarrassing.
‘It’s in the cupboard next to the bathroom,’ I reply automatically. And then I see that I’m getting hard stares from my best friends. I take a deep breath.
‘Otis, I need to talk to you about our living arrangements.’
Em shoots me an encouraging thumbs-up.
‘Sure, sure,’ mutters Otis, and I can hear him opening a cupboard and then opening a door and then … plunging. He is actually plunging in the background while I’m talking to him.
‘I think, you know, that it’s been a while and … After everything … So …’ I keep changing tack, trying and failing to make a sentence. Em hands me a fresh flute of champagne and makes a neck that motion. I do as I’m told. The bubbles tickle my throat, the alcohol hits my bloodstream.
‘I guess what I’m saying is …’
Stella drums her fingernails on the crisp white tablecloth.
‘Oof, that was a big one,’ puffs Otis amid more plunging noises, his voice echoey in my bathroom. ‘Actually, Jess, could you ring the landlord? I think we could do with a plumber coming out to take a look at this. Oh hang on, I’ve broken the plunger. You’ll need to pick up a new one.’
And that, my friends, is the final straw.
‘Otis, we could not do with the plumber coming out. The problem in my flat is not the toilet, it is you.’
‘Listen, Jess, you know I have to eat a lot of raw veg as part of my job. I can’t sell a new crop of PSB at Organic Otis before sampling it, can I?’
PSB? mouths a confused-looking Stella.
‘Purple sprouting broccoli,’ I reply. Stella yawns in response and I almost laugh before I realise that Otis has started waxing lyrical about vegetables.
‘PSB is actually great for my gut microbiome. And I know it means I have some bathroom issues but—’
‘OTIS. Let me stop you right there,’ I almost shout. Stella and Em look impressed as they stare at me, wide-eyed, while I wag my finger at my phone. ‘I am no longer interested in your digestive system. I mean, I can’t say I was much even when we were together but that’s not the point. What I am interested in, is you moving out of my flat. It’s been months when it was meant to be days. We’re not together anymore and I want to be able to move on, properly.’
I take a breath, my cheeks flushed with the exertion of being so tipsy and frank.
Em is clapping. Stella looks impressed.
We crane our heads towards my phone, awaiting a response from Otis.
He sniffs. ‘Wow, okay. There’s no need to be so rude.’
I mouth the word ‘rude’ at the girls, confused. Stella sticks her middle finger up at my phone.
‘Are you sure that’s really what you want?’
‘Of course it’s what she really wants, you vegetable-loving sponger!’ Stella shouts.
I clear my throat. ‘Erm, sorry about that.’
‘Was that Stella? Am I on speakerphone?’ Otis’s voice sounds trembly.
‘Look,’ I say. ‘This will be better for both of us. A chance for us both to really move on. I hate to see you moping around the flat, Otis, and I truly think this will be good for you.’
‘I’m not moping.’ He sounds affronted now. ‘You can’t blame a man for mourning the loss of his future. I thought we’d be together forever. Organic Otis and Organic Jess. Maybe we’d even make some little organic babies together.’
I hear a whispered ‘eww’ coming from Emerald.
‘I never wanted to be part of the greengrocers though, Otis. You’ll find your, erm, organic other half. It’s just not me. And now, I really need you to move out of my flat so that I can get on with the rest of my life.’
‘Have you met someone else, is that what this is?’
My mind flickers to Luke and then I have a good giggle at myself for even entertaining that as an idea. And it’s actually quite nice to giggle when I’m doing something that I’ve been dreading for months.
‘No,’ I say, with a bit more confidence. ‘I’m just starting a new chapter and I can’t do that until you’ve moved out.’
The girls look really pleased with me, Em’s got her head titled to one side and Stella’s smiling proudly in my direction.
‘Fine.’ Otis sniffs. ‘I’ll start looking. I’ll be out by the end of the month.’
‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘You’ll be out by the end of the week. I do not want to get back from this holiday and find you still in my flat, Otis.’
Stella’s so happy with this she does a double thumbs-up, which makes me feel glowy on the inside.
‘A week!’ Otis says. ‘How am I going to find somewhere in seven days?’
The girls are shaking their heads at my phone now.
‘You’ve already had two months!’ Even I’m feeling a bit shouty now. This man is ridiculous! ‘And you do have your mum and dad to fall back on.’
Otis sighs. ‘The last time I lived with my parents, mum kept wanting to know what time I wanted dinner. And she insists on cooking stodgy pies all the time so it’s really claustrophobic and not very nourishing at the same time. It’s a lot for me personally, you know.’
All of us are exasperated now. What a selfish human being he is.
‘Honestly Otis, you’re a lot for me personally right now,’ I hit back. ‘If you do end up going back to your mum and dads, do me a favour and try to be a little bit less of a douche while you’re there?’
My best friends are delighted. I’ve never been so blunt in my life.
‘You’ll be out by the end of the week,’ I add.
There’s a petulant silence down the line.
‘I want your word,’ I say firmly as the girls quietly cheer me on.
‘You know what, Jess, that’s fine with me. I’ll be out by the end of the week. I can’t stay somewhere I’m not wanted. But I’m taking the air fryer.’
And with that, he hangs up.
The girls high-five me.
‘I have no words for that bell-end,’ Stella says. ‘Other than, good riddance!’
‘Yes,’ adds Em. ‘And well done, Jessie, you really stood your ground. I’m so impressed.’
‘Thanks,’ I say, ‘but I think I’m having palpitations! Standing up for yourself is hard. I could not have done that without you two by my side. I mean, I know you basically bullied me into it but I do feel much better now, if a little sweaty.’
Stella beams at me fondly as the puddings arrive, three slices of glistening tarte tatin with a scoop of brown sugar ice cream.
‘Next time, you’re aiming higher,’ Stella says.
‘I don’t think anything could get better than this,’ I reply, after one delicious mouthful of tarte.
‘I’m not talking about the food.’ Stella grins at me good-naturedly. ‘I’m saying no more boring, boring dudes for you.’
‘He wasn’t that bad,’ I try to protest.
Em pulls a face. ‘Jessie, you’re a shining star. Stella’s right, you could and should do so much better.’
‘Yep. All these “sensible” boyfriends,’ Stella says. ‘You’ve only ever dated mediocre men. It’s like you actively seek out partners who have decent jobs and zero banter because you think they’ll offer you stability and what they really offer is no orgasms in a year.’ (Ouch.) ‘Aren’t you tired of it? Besides, look at you right now! You seem like you’re in such a good place, Jessie.’
‘Yes,’ chips in Em. ‘You’ve definitely stepped into your more confident era. Old Jess would never have given Otis the heave-ho like that.’
‘I mean, you did literally force me into that,’ I point out with a smile. ‘But you’re right, I guess I am embracing life more at the moment. The Confident Era. I mean, I like the sound of it.’
‘It’s working wonders already. And for your next trick, I think you should start looking for love in new places. And by that I mean anywhere other than Carpston’s Tedious Men Society.’
‘Hey!’ I chuckle.
‘Get out there with your newfound confidence,’ Stella urges. ‘Who knows what will happen?’
‘Hey, everyone,’ says Luke, appearing at our table. I drop my spoon in shock at his arrival, and it clatters onto my plate, which is definitely really smooth of me.
‘Little bro!’ Stella cheers.
‘Hey, Luke!’ Em grins.
Startled, and with my mouth full of tarte, I opt for a really cool thumbs-up and die a small amount inside.
‘Join us?’ Stella asks.
‘I can’t.’ Luke shakes his head, shifting from one foot to another. ‘The Pilates instructor’s doing her first candlelight class tonight and I’d promise I’d go to help out, think she’s a bit nervous. Do you guys want to come to the class?’
He looks round the table hopefully, softly clicking the fingers on his right hand while he smiles at us all.
‘Hell no, I think we’re a bit too drunk and full for Pilates right now.’ Stella pats her belly, to my acute relief.
‘Oh, okay,’ Luke says, trying not to look crestfallen.
‘Oh you are sweet,’ Em says. ‘We will definitely do some active things with you tomorrow though, right, guys?’ She looks around expectantly and I have a large sip of champagne in response.
‘I’d like that.’ Luke smiles that smile right at me and I can’t help myself. My eyes grow wide. My pupils dilate. I just know that I look like a rabbit in some very sexy headlights and I can’t do anything about it!
‘Brillo pad,’ I say once I’ve swallowed.
Stella gives me a sympathetic look. ‘Don’t mind Jess, she’s got a lot on her plate. Maybe Pilates would be good for you tonight? Work out some of the stresses of the day?’
‘NO, GOD NO,’ I shout, too hasty. I pull it back with a gentle giggle. ‘I’m, erm, way too full for Pilates but thank you, Luke.’
‘No problem. Next time, I hope. See you all soon.’
As he makes his way back out of the restaurant, two things become clear. One: my inappropriate crush has not diminished in any which way. Two: Emerald is staring at me, wide-eyed. And her face has lit up like a Christmas tree.
‘Jessica, I need your help,’ she says, almost pantomime-like. ‘With my … period.’
‘There are spare tampons in my bag, which you still have by the way. Help yourself.’
‘Nope,’ she says, eyes trained on me. ‘This is going to be a two-man job.’
‘Jesus H.’ Stella grimaces. ‘Sounds bad, Em. If you don’t need me, I might head back to our suite? Quite knackered tbh.’
‘You go for it.’ Em’s addressing Stella but still staring right at me, eyes narrowed with suspicion. ‘See you back there, babes.’
I’m under the spotlight.
And I fear I’ve been rumbled.