Chapter 15
Luke haunts my dreams in an incredibly hot way and I wake up desperate, literally, to see him again. My fingers reach for my phone, my subconscious telling me that I need to message him immediately to arrange another meet-up. Maybe now, I wonder, though when I check the time I realise that I’ve slept in and he’s probably already at work.
Plus, we haven’t actually swapped numbers yet. It’s Tuesday morning and I don’t have Luke’s number and I was in such a sexy slumber last night that I slept in.
What’s even going on anymore?
My phone does remind me that Zodiac Girlie isn’t going anywhere any time soon.
Today’s advice?
Eat the cake .
‘Easy,’ I say to myself, dropping back onto my pillow with an oof. Luke is my black forest gateau and I will demolish him whole plus cherry on top.
Maybe a cold shower first?
‘Babes, we’re going tree hugging,’ announces Emerald over breakfast. By now we have a favourite table in the restaurant, with views out over the grounds. Close enough to the buffet for repeated pastry dashes, secluded enough to cackle together over old jokes without being overheard and/or judged by the other guests. Pretty sure Dita Ortiz would not want to hear about the time we all got mumps and could eat nothing but ice cream for an entire weekend. Mumps don’t scream Hollywood to me.
‘Nope.’ Stella shakes her head as she slathers a piece of sourdough with jam.
‘Yes.’
‘Nope.’
‘Yes,’ Em says it more forcefully this time. ‘It will be good for you. Tree hugging releases oxytocin, the hormone of love and trust.’ Then she winks at me and I know exactly what’s on her mind.
‘I know what oxytocin is.’ Stella rolls her eyes, mouth full of toast. ‘I just don’t need to release it via hugging a tree, Emerald.’
‘Well, this one’s non-negotiable,’ Em says. ‘I had to book ahead.’
‘You’re a liability.’ Stella tuts.
Half an hour later and we’re standing in the middle of beautiful woodland with our guide, named Birch. True story. I step into a stream of sunlight and shade my eyes, wondering if hugging a tree might actually help me out right now. Let’s just say I’ve got a one-track mind and Luke is the track.
Stella stands next to me, hands on hips, frown on face.
‘This is bat shit,’ she says.
‘Possibly,’ I agree. ‘Or it could be a super cute idea? If Em’s right and we release some oxytocin, maybe that will help with you and Fran?’
Stella scowls at me. ‘I’ll pretend you didn’t just suggest that hugging a tree will solve my relationship problems, Jessie. At least one of my friends needs to be sane, okay? And that one friend is clearly you.’
We both look over at Em, currently running her fingers through a patch of soil and then breathing in the earthy smell. I nod solemnly. ‘Say no more.’
‘All right, everybody,’ says Birch. ‘First of all, we’re going to work on our breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.’
‘Good job he’s here,’ mutters Stella, to my right. ‘I’ve wanted a refresher course on how to breathe for some time now.’
I chortle, poking her in the ribcage. ‘Shh!’
Em is breathing loudly to my left.
‘Good. Now, let’s choose our tree. Then, once you’ve found one that feels right for you, go ahead and embrace the wood.’
Em takes this and literally runs with it, turning to wave goodbye to us before skipping off into the woodland, bounding from tree to tree. Meanwhile, Stella and I move off together.
‘Are you okay, Stell?’ I ask.
She exhales loudly. ‘Yes, I definitely am,’ she says. ‘Just got a lot on my mind, you know? The Fran thing.’
‘The Fran thing,’ I repeat, wanting to give Stella space to talk.
‘Suddenly loads of our friends seem to be having kids, right?’
I nod. It definitely feels like there’s been a fair few baby announcements in our wider friendship group recently.
‘And in a way I feel sort of jealous of them, which sounds awful, I know,’ she says.
I grab her hand. ‘It doesn’t at all, Stell.’
‘I just don’t understand how they’ve made that decision. Not just made it but also cracked on with it! It feels like my social media feeds are one long line of baby announcements or births and I just … I just don’t know if I even want that.’
‘It’s okay to feel that way.’ I squeeze her hand. ‘It’s a massive decision. One that I really can’t advise on from any point of authority, obvs, but I have heard a lot of people say that there’s never a “perfect” time for having kids. Aren’t you supposed to sort of fit them in around what you’re doing?’
‘So I hear,’ Stella muses. ‘But I give so much to work and I don’t know if I’d have anything left …’
‘Have you spoken to Fran yet?’
Stella winces. ‘I was going to the other day but I’ve basically been putting it off.’ She pulls her phone out of the back pocket of her yoga leggings and brings up her messages with Fran. The latest message is a link to a house for sale.
‘Are you guys moving?’ I ask, surprised.
‘Not as far as I’m concerned. But Fran thinks we should get into catchment for the “really good primary schools”.’ Stella sighs.
‘I feel for you Stell. It must be hard when she seems so committed to this that she’s already thinking about schooling and you’re—’
‘Nowhere near that, just yet,’ Stella fills in.
‘Exactly.’
‘Fran really likes this house because it’s a three bed so there would be plenty of space for “the kids”. Kids, Jess, plural!’
‘Oh no no no,’ Birch interrupts, suddenly leaping into our line of vision and shaking his head. ‘Mobile phones are very much not allowed during our tree hugging morning.’
‘Actually, my friend’s going through some—’ I begin to protest.
‘It’s okay.’ Stella smiles at me. ‘Thanks, mate, for listening.’
‘Always,’ I say, while Birch proceeds to hold his hand out expectantly and Stella hands over her phone. ‘Often,’ he says, ‘you will find the trees have all the answers you need.’
Stella tries to look like she’s taking this comment seriously which makes me chuckle. Birch rounds on me.
‘Now scatter,’ he says, flinging his arms wide. ‘Out into the woodland. I want you alone, free, at one with nature.’
I give Stella one last fleeting glance before we spread out, walking deeper into the woods. I find myself alone and eyeing up a tree, feeling slightly foolish. There’s nothing but the sound of birds singing to one another and the gentle crunch of what I assume are cute woodland creatures padding over leaves on their morning commute.
Should I ask for consent? Seems polite.
‘I’m coming in for a snuggle, is that okay?’ I whisper to one tree.
Pause.
No response. Can’t say I’m surprised because, you know, I’m talking to a lump of wood.
‘Well, here goes.’ I step forward and wrap my arms around the trunk of a large tree, my face alarmingly close to its bark. No doubt there are thousands of tiny bugs roaming around on here, a thought I don’t dwell on for too long.
I feel nothing. Other than some unacceptable thoughts about Luke and wood which I will not repeat for decency’s sake. Alas, my mind is in the gutter.
But then, as I wrap my arms tighter around the trunk, I’m flooded with a feeling of lightness. I feel calmer. My heartrate seems to be less spiky and, without wanting to sound like a total Emerald, I feel grounded. And grateful. I’m doing okay, right? I’ve totally got this. So what if I’ve quit my job and now have no clue what I’m doing with my life? It’s all right to take a pause, to re-evaluate what I want and to blooming well have some fun. I take a moment to appreciate how incredibly lucky I am to be having this experience.
I breathe in and sigh happily.
‘Thanks, tree, you’re the best.’
What sounds like a man clearing his throat startles me out of my reverie. But since Birch’s tree hugging class spread out and I’m on my own, it must just be some weird squirrel noise I haven’t heard before. The woodland really is full of mystery, I marvel, cuddling tighter around the trunk.
‘Jess?’
All right, squirrels don’t speak.
Or know my name.
I spin around to find Luke standing behind me, an amused look on his face.
Naturally my calm state jacks up to one of sexy frenzy and embarrassment, which is a combo I haven’t experienced before. I don’t love it.
‘Sorry to disturb,’ he says, as if this is a normal, if not expected thing to find me doing. ‘I was just out for a run and, well, you look so cute there. I couldn’t jog past without saying hello.’
On closer inspection, Luke is indeed wearing his running kit. I notice the way his tight T-shirt wraps around his biceps as he stands with hands on hips, ever so slightly folding forward to catch his breath. He’s stopped in a shard of light which highlights his skin, glistening from the effort of his run.
Gulp.
‘You caught me.’ I smile sheepishly, trying to engage my brain and also stop hugging the tree. I unwrap my arms and give the trunk a pat. ‘Trying this for the first time. I thought it would be lame but it’s super nice. I love wood, it’s my favourite.’
Oh god no. Where did that come from?
What happened to being sexy and flirty, Jess?
Luke arches an eyebrow and then comes the disarming smile, all for me.
‘Lucky tree,’ he says. ‘I’m actually quite jealous.’
My heartrate notches up another gear.
‘You’re a big boy.’ I grin. ‘You can handle it.’
Honestly sometimes, the things that come out of my mouth. This is all the oxytocin’s fault.
Luke’s still watching me, looking decidedly like he can’t handle it.
‘Did you get everything sorted last night?’ I ask.
‘Eventually, yes, though it took ages. Thanks for asking and sorry, again—’
‘Luke,’ I say. ‘You don’t have to apologise.’
He runs a hand through his hair. ‘I’m going to need to see you again. Quite soon, if you’ll let me?’
My heart flutters. ‘I’d like that.’
‘I’m meant to be taking a table tennis class this afternoon, but no one’s booked onto it. If you’re free, we could have a one on one?’
Oof.
‘Table tennis.’ I pretend to mull this over even though we all know I am definitely going to show up for this ‘one on one’. ‘Pretty sure you’ll beat me at that, Luke.’
‘Only fair after you annihilated me at swimming.’
I smile. ‘Okay, since it’s in the interests of fairness, I will be there.’
Luke’s face lights up. ‘Great! I’d better get on but, also, we’re having a staff party tomorrow to celebrate our first week at the hotel. It’s not strictly for guests but I’m pretty sure I can make an exception for you, if you’d like to come?’
I blink. Sort of blindsided and therefore, apparently, speechless.
‘You absolutely don’t have to. Stella and Em are invited too, if that helps?’ he asks, misreading my silence for uncertainty. The reality is I’m surprised by the invite. So far we’ve kept whatever this is between the two of us (well, and Emerald) but now he’s inviting me to a big party? It all seems like so much more than I’d ever expected and my brain is struggling to process it.
‘Will Perry Carver be there?’ I tease.
‘He is very much not invited.’
‘Shame. Still, I guess I could pop along.’
‘Please do.’ Luke grins.
‘Seriously,’ I add, ‘thanks for inviting me.’
‘I’m really pleased you can come,’ he says. That honesty of his so disarming. ‘We’re doing a barbecue in the woods … your favourite,’ he adds, basically smirking now. I die a small death. ‘I’m only sorry that it will be after your crushing defeat at table tennis.’
‘There’s literally no denying that will happen.’ I laugh.
Luke fixes me with his gaze, and my insides melt like candlewax.
‘Don’t forget, winner takes all,’ he says, before running off.
I lean against the tree and tip my head back, flustered.
‘I love wood, it’s my favourite?’ Emerald honks as we pedal our way through a spin class, side by side. ‘Jessie, you didn’t?!’
‘It’s your fault!’ I wail, already out of breath. ‘Turns out hugging trees plays havoc with your hormones. Things were going so well, I felt like I was actually being quite flirty for once, and then I hugged the bloody tree and all sorts of crap started pouring out of my mouth.’
‘Now now.’ Em looks at me as sympathetically as possible as she struggles to get a hold on her mirth. ‘Let’s not get cross. What I think you’re trying to say is “thank you, Emerald”.’
‘Pretty sure I’m not,’ I puff.
We’ve only been in here for ten minutes but already the sociopath leading the class has us pedalling so fast I can no longer feel my legs. Em’s been dying to get me on my own all day for a debrief on the midnight swim and now Stella’s off having an archery lesson. As a side note, the thought of my forthright best friend learning how to shoot things is alarming, I must say.
Emerald bites her lip. ‘Tell me more about the swim and the flirting.’
I look around the class, conscious that I don’t want to say too much when there’s a high chance we could be overheard.
‘The swim was amazing ,’ I exhale.
‘Did you sm—’
‘No!’ I squeak, flustered. ‘It was very sexy until we had to cut it short. I think I was even doing a decent job at flirting, but then today I got hot and bothered and started talking about wood. Oh, and I also called him a big boy. I blame the trees.’
‘Are we sure it’s the tree’s fault, Jessie?’ Em looks thoughtful. ‘Or is your big fat crush getting the better of you?’
I groan, reaching for the towel slung over my bike and mopping my brow.
‘Let’s practise your flirting techniques,’ Em says. ‘Pretend I’m Luke.’
‘Em, I’m hot enough already. If I start picturing Luke in spin class I might need medical assistance.’
‘Oh boy, you have got it bad. Look, the hard part is over, right? You already know he likes you, he’s made that crystal clear. So all you need to do now is be open, honest, engaging. Maybe don’t call him big boy until you’re actually smashing, by which point, you can totally go in for that,’ she snorts.
‘It’s too soon to laugh about that,’ I huff. Man, crushes are so confusing! No wonder I’ve avoided them like the plague all my life.
‘Oh,’ I add, suddenly remembering. ‘Luke said there’s a staff party tomorrow night and we three are invited.’
‘Now that is exciting!’ Em cheers.
‘I’m just worried that I’ve made a fool of myself with all the unmentionable chat about wood and now he’s gone off me.’
‘Wait, did he invite you to the staff thing before or after you said those things?’ Em asks.
‘Erm, after.’
‘So, he’s definitely not gone off you then,’ she says as if this is obvious. ‘Why would he? You’re adorable, Jessie!’
‘Really?’ I puff.
‘Saints alive.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘You really are quite obtuse sometimes, sweet Jessie. But don’t worry, Em’s here to look after you. And I think that this night out is just what we need.’
‘Em, we’re at a luxury spa. Every single need is being catered for at all times. Someone literally took our dirty laundry and returned it cleaned, ironed and folded. Underwear and all! I’ve never had my knickers ironed before. What more could you want?’
‘A chance to let our hair down! Blow off some steam! I know this place is amazing and all that but you have to admit, an old-fashioned night out would be so good right now. I mean, we’ve never looked better, for a start. All this pampering. And you don’t have a cold for the first time in your adult life.’
‘Hey!’
‘Come on, you’re usually so snotty, Jess.’
I stick my bottom lip out. Being called obtuse and snotty in a short space of time feels like a new low.
‘And besides, we haven’t been out, the three of us, in ages. When we get together it’s brunches or dinners these days. Aren’t you tired of being so grown up all the time? I mean, we’re not even thirty yet and we haven’t been out out in ages.’
‘I don’t think it’s going to be a mad night out or anything,’ I say. ‘Luke said something about a barbecue in the woods.’
‘I’m going to be wearing sequins whatever the weather.’
‘Good for you.’ I smile, her enthusiasm infectious. ‘He also invited me to table tennis later.’
Em is so thrilled she takes her hands off the bike and claps. The teacher takes this as a sign of her enthusiasm for spin and woops back.
‘Yes.’ She grins. ‘This is perfect. I can already picture Luke standing behind you, helping you with your serve. Only obviously he’s using it as an excuse to get close to you and the next thing you know you can feel him pressed up against you and his massive—’
‘EMERALD! Seriously, stop it. I already can’t think straight.’
She’s properly laughing now, the swine, so I pedal harder and faster in a bid to take my mind off everything.
In hindsight, spending an hour before a hot table tennis date doing spin class was not my finest decision. As a non-regular spinner, my legs are now killing me. Who does this regularly? Only monsters, I decide as I hobble back towards the gym.
Still, not even aching muscles can kill the excitement I feel for finally seeing Luke again. It’s been hours. And I’ve spent every waking moment getting flashbacks from last night in the pool. The way his hands felt on me. The way his lips grazed mine before he had to go.
He must have seen me coming because he jogs out of the gym, calling my name.
‘Hey,’ he says, looking concerned. ‘Are you okay?’
‘I’m fine,’ I breeze. ‘For some reason decided to do a spin class earlier.’
‘Ouch,’ winces Luke. ‘Do you want to sit table tennis out?’
‘No,’ I reply hastily. ‘I’m definitely good.’
He tentatively grabs my hand and leads me towards a room in the gym where two tables are set up, and pours me a glass of iced water. When he hands it to me, our fingers brush and my gaze tracks up to meet his. He’s looking at me so intently I wonder whether it would be okay to throw all of my clothes on the floor right here, right now. Clothes borrowed from Em, btw. A cute tennis skirt and polo shirt which she said give me ‘Wimbledon vibes’.
‘So,’ he says, ‘shall we?’
I nod, and we take our places at either end of the table.
‘Are you going to be a secret table tennis champion as well?’ he asks, as I somehow manage to serve and land the ball on my first shot.
‘Very much not.’ I laugh. ‘That was beginner’s luck.’
‘You’re doing well,’ he says as we play, but then I fire a shot off at a crazy angle and Luke ends up leaping to catch the stray ball, affording me a glimpse of his torso under his T-shirt as he jumps.
‘Is there any sport you’re not good at?’ I ask as he sends it back over the table.
‘Well, I was desperate to be a cricketer when I was a kid,’ he says, serving hard.
‘I have terrible memories of cricket growing up,’ I say. ‘My brother James loved it too, and he was good, so we spent a lot of time ferrying him to matches. I never did understand why cricket matches took so long. My parents ploughed a lot of time and energy into him and for a while, it looked like he might make it professionally, but pro sport is brutal, as you know,’ I say, glancing over at Luke. ‘In the end he just wasn’t quite good enough.’
‘That’s tough,’ says Luke.
‘Yeah, he didn’t take it too well. Kind of went off the rails for a while.’
‘I meant tough for you,’ Luke says. ‘Dedicating all that time to him.’
‘I hadn’t really thought about it like that,’ I say. ‘I guess sometimes I did feel a bit resentful, but you don’t question things when you’re young, do you? I could see how proud my parents were of him, and that made me happy.’
I pause to think on this.
‘How do you do that?’ I ask.
‘Do what?’
‘Crack me open like that. Here I am just sharing personal stuff with you again,’ I say.
‘Funny, I was thinking the same thing about you.’
‘Ah, well, that’s because I put a spell on you.’ I smile.
‘I knew it.’ He grins.
We’re still playing, on and off, when Luke hits the ball over to my side and I reach across for it even though I am quite clearly never going to return his serve. But as I do so, I feel my leg spasm and I gasp in pain.
Luke is by my side in seconds.
‘I think it’s just cramp, I’m fine,’ I say, grimacing but not wanting to seem like a total dweeb.
‘You are not fine,’ he says, leading me over to a chair and sitting me down. ‘Did you ice, after spin class?’
I shake my head.
‘I’ll be right back,’ he says.
Luke returns with an ice pack wrapped in a hotel towel. He walks straight over to where I’m sitting, kneels down in front of me and asks permission to ice my leg. Then he presses the pack against my thigh and holds it there.
‘I’ll never win anything at this rate,’ he says, which makes me laugh.
‘Did it on purpose.’ I grin.
‘Didn’t I say you’d be trouble?’
I bite my lip. The ice is making my thigh feel infinitely better already, or is it the knowledge that his fingers are so close to my skin? The ice pack pushes against the hem of my skirt. I look up, catch his gaze, watch him swallow.
‘Luke,’ I whisper.
And that’s all it takes. His thumb inches off the ice pack and onto my thigh. The feel of it makes me inhale sharply and Luke’s eyes darken at the sound.
‘ARE THEY IN THERE?’ shouts Stella.
Shit! I push my chair back, a kneejerk reaction, panicking that we’re about to be busted. The door bursts open and Stella is standing, hands on hips, in front of us.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ she demands.
Oh my god, she knows. And she does not look happy. I open my mouth, no words coming out. Luke is still kneeling, some distance away from me now, ice pack in hand, looking as shifty as I feel.
‘You know I love table tennis!’ Stella is giving Luke a cross look. ‘Why didn’t you tell me you were playing?’ she repeats. ‘And what’s happened to you?’ Stella frowns at me.
‘I, oh god, so …’ I gabble.
‘Did you do this?’ Stella asks Luke.
‘What do you mean?’ I ask, about to try and explain that whatever is going on between me and Luke is very much mutual. Because right now Stella appears to be accusing Luke of instigating it?
‘Let me guess, you got way too competitive and now poor Jessie’s injured because of it,’ Stella grumbles.
Luke and I share a look of realisation. She’s not talking about us . She’s just grumpy not to have been invited to play and she’s being protective of me.
Phew. That’s a relief, I think, although I feel distinctly guilty for sneaking around like this. And also incredibly miffed that the moment between me and Luke has gone. With a glance of crushing disappointment, Luke stands up.
‘I hurt my leg in spin earlier so I managed about five minutes of this table tennis class before needing a sit down,’ I explain.
‘Spin is the devil’s work.’ Stella tuts. ‘Ah well, little bro, looks like you’re taking me on instead.’
She grabs a paddle, marches over to the table and so begins an extremely intense match in which every point is contested as the siblings bicker for top spot. Thwarted, again, I sit with the ice pack melting against my leg and kick my trainers up on the edge of my seat.
Honestly. If I have to wait much longer I might literally burst. So much for eating the cake, I think grumpily. I can’t even get my hands on a ruddy slice without being rudely interrupted.