Chapter 16
I am a strong, powerful woman and I will not spend another day in a state of perpetual mooning over Luke, I decide when I wake up on Wednesday and my thoughts immediately fly to tonight’s party. To seeing him again. To finally, finally, finally getting close to him. To doing things I’ve probably never done before because I have definitely never felt like this before.
All to say: if I don’t take action now, I will spend the day getting so worked up that I’ll probably end up saying more ridiculous things to him tonight. And nobody wants that.
So today, I am a woman of action.
Plus, it turns out Zodiac Girlie totally agrees. My Stars in Brief this morning are literally bang on the money.
It’s time for big moves .
Eek! I check the hotel’s list of today’s scheduled activities on WhatsApp and settle on coasteering. Sounds terrifying. Sounds like the exact thing I would never normally do in real life. The perfect distraction before I make big moves!
The rest of the girls still aren’t up because it’s *checks time* 6am and there are four hours until we go coasteering. Four hours to not think about Luke. I can totally do that! I’ll go for an invigorating early morning swim, I decide. But when I peek out of my bedroom window, I see that it’s absolutely lashing it down. My weather app predicts rain and cloud for the next few hours, which is a more standard British May, I guess, even though there has been the recent spate of blissful warm days. Usually, I’d be mildly disappointed by this forecast. There’s nothing worse than walking to work in the rain, trusty rain trousers clinging to my legs, cagoule zipped up so tight I look like Kenny from South Park . So much so that Arjun used to sing R.E.M.’s ‘What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?’ to me when I arrived at work, which is a lyrical reference I did not expect him in all his youth to get.
Thankfully, I will never have to deal with Arjun again. I feel slightly sheepish that I’ve been ignoring Bryan’s calls all week, and now that I’ve activated Action Woman mode, I vow to call him later and find out what on earth he wants.
Quietly, I pull on my swimming costume with leggings and a jumper over the top, and pad out of the house. Our spa suite has a selection of umbrellas in the hallway so I grab one and dash across to the indoor pool, which looks almost more inviting against the backdrop of rain and low-lying clouds outside. I ease my body into the deliciously warm water, a couple of other swimmers already getting their lengths in, and start to swim. There’s something so soothing about the gentle exercise and as I stretch out, my mind wanders.
To Luke. What else is there? Goddammit! I just can’t get my head around the fact that he likes me. The man who makes me out of breath without even taking a step actually likes me . My stomach swoops and dives every single time this thought pops into my mind, which is all the time, so right now I’m existing in a state of perpetual excitement and disbelief. And as if my physical reaction to him wasn’t enough, there’s the whole emotional connection too. I think about how he manages to be kind and thoughtful while making it quite clear that he likes me. Our shared thing for architecture. The fact that he too loves a library. How just being together opens up this channel of communication between us and we find ourselves sharing things with each other that we don’t normally talk about.
It’s mad, really. I’m trying very hard not to get my hopes up too much, to put a lid on this excitement before it boils over. Because the fact is, Stella could well be seriously grossed out by the whole thing. And I’d get that. I think back to Emerald and her mega crush on James when we first met. Whenever he called – which wasn’t very often because James is nothing if not succinct when it comes to his approach to brotherly love – she’d paw at my hand like a hungry cat, hoping to catch snippets of his voice. Once, when he came to stay, she tried to cast a love spell on the sofa where he’d be sleeping for the weekend. She spent hours cooking up this horrific smelling potion in the kitchen, which had in it strawberries, dried roses and, inexplicably, vodka. The flat smelt like a decaying bunch of flowers in a long-closed pub by the time she announced it was ready, and then spritzed it all over the sofa. Needless to say James did not fall in love with Em after a night on the rancid sofa, neither did he notice her much at all, to be honest. At the time, I remember feeling a bit relieved about this, but now, looking back, I am shocked and appalled on Em’s behalf. She is such a beautiful person, inside and out, and I can’t think of many men who haven’t fallen at her feet over the years.
That’s my weird older brother for you.
‘Yessica, you are laughing while you are swimming. I adore this for you.’
I am snorting with laughter, it turns out, as I tread water to find Dita Ortiz in a designer swimsuit with ruffled straps, enormous diamonds hanging from her ears and an expertly coiffed up-do, draped across the edge of the pool.
‘Hello, Dita!’ I swim over to the edge. ‘Didn’t see you there. Are you coming in?’
‘Of course.’ She eases herself into the pool. ‘What is amusing you today?’
‘Oh, just remembering the time my best friend made a love potion to try and woo my older brother.’
‘Which of the girls is this? Let me guess, my astrological partner in crime, Emerald?’
‘You’re so right.’ I beam. ‘Stella, our other friend, is not a making love potions kind of gal.’
‘Sí, sí. And did she succeed?’
‘Only in making our landlord very cross. We had to pay for our sofa to be professionally cleaned because the potion stained it red.’
Dita titters at this. ‘My friends were always mooning over my brothers when we were growing up.’
‘Really? Did you mind?’
‘Not at all,’ she says as we swim together. ‘I saw it as a compliment, and it made me feel proud, too.’
‘How would you have felt if your friends dated your brothers?’
‘Plenty of them did.’ She chuckles. ‘I did not mind one bit, as long as everyone was treating everyone with respect and kindness.’
‘That’s very emotionally intelligent of you,’ I say. ‘My friends and I made a pact not to date each other’s siblings when we were at uni. At the time I thought it would be so weird but now, well, to be totally honest, I’m massively regretting it.’
‘Ah yes, the Sagittarius and the Libra. Our perfect match.’
‘I’m worried about what Stella will think.’
Dita considers this. ‘You have been friends for a long time, no? Then she will already love you with all her heart, just as she loves her brother. I think she will be very happy, and lucky, to hear of this.’
‘I hope so. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.’
‘I have seen this Luke around. He looks delicious, like churros, the kind you can’t take one bite of, you have to eat the whole thing until you are covered in sugar and you have liquid chocolate running down your fingers.’ She pauses to give me a delighted look. ‘Yessica, he will be excellent for you.’
‘You don’t think—’ I begin, and then I don’t know how to end my question.
‘What is it?’ Dita asks.
‘I just don’t really understand it, Dita. I think he likes me but why? As you’ve just said, he is delicious to look at. And extremely kind, and funny. And delicious.’
‘You said that one already.’
‘So why does he like me?’
‘Yessica, you are more stupid than you look.’
‘Excuse me?’
‘Poor, stupid Yessica. You have no idea how lovely you are, I see that now. You deserve to find the right kind of love, with the right kind of man. And yet you have spent more time worrying about your friend’s feelings than you have talking to me about how that delicious man might taste between your lips.’
I splutter, accidentally swallowing pool water.
‘Dita only speaks the truth. You deserve good things, Yessica. You have a kind soul. Have faith in yourself, as my good friend Nicole always says.’
‘Nicole sounds wise.’
‘Very wise. We starred together in a film many years ago and have been close ever since.’
‘When you say Nicole …’
‘Kidman,’ Dita fills in.
‘Sure.’ I nod. Why wouldn’t it be?!
‘It’s a miracle, really, to have found such a close friendship from that film. The director, Bryan, was awful, the most ungenerous man I have ever met.’
‘I know a Bryan like that,’ I say.
‘Oh.’ Dita’s eyes light up. ‘You go first.’
After I’ve filled her in on the rudimentary awfulness of my former editor, Dita is horrified on my behalf.
‘Thank god you quit!’ she says. ‘I vowed never to work with Bryan the director again.’
‘Yes, Dita! We should totally stand up for ourselves in the face of awful Bryans.’
‘Quite.’ Dita smiles, before announcing that she’s finished her swim. I get out too, thinking about how Nicole Kidman vicariously thinks I should have faith in myself. It’s not the first time I have heard that – if from wildly less A-list sources in the past – I think after I’ve said my goodbyes to Dita and am drying myself off. And I guess there’ll be no hiding things from Stella later once the party starts, which means it’s time to come clean to her.
‘Where’s Stell?’ I ask, finding Em at the gym waiting for me on her own.
‘Sends her apologies,’ Em says. ‘She’s taken your hot lover off for a cookery class.’
‘He’s not actually my hot lover just yet,’ I protest, and I must look disappointed because Em asks: ‘What’s up?’
‘I think I need to have a chat with Stella about Luke.’ I wince.
‘Makes sense.’
‘I just want to make sure she’s okay with it before things go any further between us.’
Em starts clapping. ‘Are you planning to smash him at the party tonight?’
‘Not at the party, no!’ I laugh.
‘After?’
‘Well, I don’t know! I mean, obviously I would love that. But I just have this doubt in the back of my mind, this feeling that I definitely need to check in with Stella first before anything major happens. I think it’s only right, don’t you?’
‘Sounds sensible,’ Em says. ‘Maybe you could talk to her tonight when we get to the barbecue? I’ll totally leave you guys to it, you can get a drink together and just talk it out.’
‘Yes, that sounds good, if a little terrifying.’
‘You’ll be fine, Jessie. She’s going to be cool about it, I can sense it.’
I chew my lip in thought. ‘I hope so. Also, did you say cookery class?’
Em nods. ‘Stella said something about wanting Luke to learn some basic life skills now that he’s back in the UK.’
‘I’m pretty sure Luke has lots of life skills already.’
‘I bet you are.’ She grins. ‘But Stella said, and I quote, “he can’t cook for shit”, and she’s worried that he won’t survive the harsh British winters without learning how to make some things.’
‘That’s very sweet.’
‘I know, right? They’re such cute siblings. Like, so competitive and always arguing, but it’s obvious how much they love each other. Jess? Jess! You’ve got that long-lost dreamy look on your face again.’
I try to arrange my features into something less dreamy.
‘Shall we, erm, coast?’ I suggest. ‘I need distractions.’
‘Talk me through this one again?’
‘Coasteering is where you move from one part of the coast to another using only your body, no boats or rafts or anything. So there’ll be some climbing, some swimming, probably some crawling through holes …’
‘Sounds very much not your thing,’ Em points out.
‘I know, right!’ I say cheerily. ‘Just trying to take my mind off—’
‘The horn?’
‘Exactly,’ I whimper.
‘Speaking of the horn,’ says Em, giving an appreciative whistle. ‘Who is this?’
I turn to see what she’s looking at.
‘Hi!’ says a tall blond in a wetsuit. ‘I’m Ryan, your coasteering guide for the day.’
‘Hello,’ purrs Em. ‘Aren’t you a long drink on a hot day! And let me tell you, Ryan, I am quite thirsty.’
Oh dear, I think, poor Ryan doesn’t stand a chance.
Emerald pulls off the wetsuit look with aplomb, she could easily be off to compete in some glamorous Australian surfing competition. We’re at another part of the coast where Ryan is explaining how to signal for help if we get stuck down a pothole or find ourselves being dragged out to sea.
‘This all sounds absolutely terrifying, Ryan,’ I squawk, suddenly regretting my rash decision to take part in this.
‘Don’t worry, I’ve got a super easy route for us today as this is your first time coasteering, I just have to go through the safety procedures first. And if you love it, we can come back and do some bigger stuff another time. Like scaling that.’ He points to a vertical cliff and I gulp. ‘For today, we’ll stick to this section of the coast. If we make our way around this part of the headland, we’ll get back to Gurnard Cove and the beach hut.’
To my absolute relief, he demonstrates towards a much less terrifying part of the beach where the sea butts against some average height rocks, rock pools forming on top.
‘Okay.’ I exhale. ‘I mean, I’m still terrified but—’
‘Let’s get started!’ Em cheers, butting in.
Thirty minutes later and we’re both a salty, wet mess. We’ve swam a bit, climbed a bit and batted away an angry seagull.
‘Why are those guys so aggro?’ I ask as we cling to a rocky outcrop like limpets.
‘No idea, babes. One stole my chips once. I was so cross.’
‘I saw one pecking at a pile of puke at Newcastle train station the other day.’
Em scrunches her face up. ‘Maybe that’s why they’re so cross? Because they make bad choices.’
‘You’re doing really well,’ Ryan encourages from his position on a rock further ahead while Em mutters something to me about how he would not be a bad choice for her. ‘If you clamber up to join me, there’s a stretch where we can walk and dry off for a bit.’
Em and I drag ourselves out of the water and follow, drying off in the sunshine since the rainclouds have cleared and chatting happily together, in between the moments where Em is making her feelings for Ryan crystal clear.
‘Are you sure about Ryan?’ I whisper as he gestures towards a swirling pool of doom in the middle of the vast ocean and suggests we willingly jump into it. ‘He’s clearly a lunatic.’
‘Pretty sure he’s just doing his job,’ Em says, flashing him her most dazzling smile.
‘Are you ready to jump?’ he asks.
I look down and conclude that he is, indeed, a maniac. To make matters worse, Emerald is very keen to make the jump. In fact, Ryan has barely finished explaining our next move before she’s thrown herself off this mighty rock and into the swirling unknown below.
I scramble to the edge and peer over, certain that she has been lost forever, dashed into the rocks and buried at sea.
‘Emerald!’ I shout down into the abyss.
Nothing. The waves continue to crash into the rocks. The sun beats down on us.
‘EMERALD!’ I yell, panicking now.
Suddenly a fan of blonde hair bobs up to the surface, followed by the rest of her. Em’s smiling face breaks through the water.
‘OHHHH MYYYYY GOOOODDDDDD,’ she shouts up to us. ‘That was incredible! Come on, Jess!’
I mean, she can’t be serious. It must be at least a twenty-foot drop from here to the water. I turn to Ryan.
‘How far is it?’
‘About five feet,’ he says, as if this is a reassuring amount of feet.
‘That’s almost as tall as me!’
‘Exactly, not far at all. The sea is completely calm,’ he adds, ‘so you’ll be grand.’
Barf.
‘No, I won’t! I can’t do it, Ryan. I’m too scared.’
‘We could go together if you like, on the count of three?’
I take another tentative look over. On second viewing, it isn’t quite as far as I’d previously thought. Em’s swimming happily in the sea, bobbing up and down in the gentle waves which, actually, aren’t crashing against the rocks. More, sort of, puttering against them. It’s actually quite a tranquil scene.
But still.
My stomach is in knots. I’m sweating into my wetsuit. I feel paralysed by fear even though I’d love to join Em in the water. I look around the headland and see the hotel’s beach bar is in sight now, so close after our morning of scrambling over rocks to get here. But I know, deep down, that I’m not confident enough to make the jump.
‘I can’t do it,’ I whisper as the wind whips up. ‘I just can’t.’
‘That’s totally okay,’ Ryan says in a reassuring tone.
‘But how will we make it back to the beach now?’ I ask, deflated. So much for my day of action.
Ryan smiles. ‘Ah, well, I always like to have a back-up option up my sleeve,’ he says, walking over to another part of the rock. ‘Behold, some steps down to the beach.’
‘Really?’ I ask, relieved. ‘Thank god! I thought I’d have to scramble all the way back again.’
Ryan shakes his head. ‘You’ll be enjoying a drink at the beach bar in no time. Want to head over now?’
‘I think I’ll stay and watch Em for a bit,’ I say, lying down on my belly with my head jutting out over the rock. I wave down at her as she ducks and dives in the possibly freezing water like a mermaid.
‘You okay?’ she calls up.
‘Just a big chicken,’ I say. ‘Thankfully there are steps to the beach, too.’
‘Omg, Ryan!’ Em shouts. ‘You didn’t tell me about the steps!’
He grins broadly. ‘I thought you might enjoy the jump.’
At this point, Em winks at our guide and then gives me a look which confirms to me that Ryan won’t escape our spa break without being seduced. Ah well, I think to myself, at least she’s branching out in the names department.