Chapter 19
I wake up with a huge smile on my face, feeling pretty incredible after last night. Every time I close my eyes I can have flashbacks to Luke’s touch – the way his fingers grazed that belly chain, the sensation of his lips on mine. I’ve got goosebumps just thinking about it. So Mission Tell Stell begins first thing for two equally pressing reasons. One, after last night I cannot physically last much longer without racing over to Luke’s bedroom and locking us both in there for the foreseeable. And two, she’s my best friend. Telling her the truth is absolutely the right thing to do and I’m starting to feel increasingly uneasy about the fact that she still doesn’t know.
The question of how she reacts to that information remains to be seen. Will she hate me? No, surely not, I know Stella well enough to know that our bond is too strong for that. But she would be well within her rights to put a stop to this thing between us before it becomes something more .
The thought of that makes me feel queasy. The more time I spend with Luke, the more I want to be around him. I find myself storing up little things to say to him, like a squirrel, until I see him next. I imagine his reaction when I hear something I know would make him laugh. The look on his face. The kindness behind those eyes.
All told, I’ve simply got to get on with it.
Quick check of Zodiac Girlie.
The only way out is through .
Hmm. I guess that means no short-cuts, right? I need to go and get on with it! The girls have messaged to say they’re already at breakfast so I pull on some jeans and make my way out of the door to join them, a mix of nervous energy and anticipation, when my phone rings. I realise with a sinking feeling that it’s my old editor, Bryan. I’ve been ignoring him for almost a week now, and in the spirit of getting stuff done, I finally decide to answer.
‘Hello, Bryan,’ I say warily.
‘Jessica, finally,’ he says, and I can picture his wobbling chins and his three-day-old shirt as he speaks. ‘How are you?’
‘I’m fine, thank you. Currently on holiday. So, how can I help?’ I ask, hoping to dispatch him quickly.
‘Ah yes, your jaunt to Northumberland. I’ve been trying to get hold of you all week.’
‘Yes, well, I no longer work at the Courier so I didn’t feel the need to take your constant calls.’
Ooh, she’s ballsy today!
‘About that,’ begins Bryan. ‘When do you think this little protest might be over, Jessica? Because we really could do with you back in the office asap.’
‘Little protest?’ I repeat.
‘All the quitting business. Have you got it out of your system, now?’
Anger rises deep inside me. It’s an unfamiliar feeling and as I press my spare hand against the front door of our suite to steady myself, I notice that my fingers are shaking. How dare he? I’d almost forgotten quite how infuriating and belittling my old boss could be.
‘Quitting business?’ I repeat, slowly. ‘I did actually quit, Bryan. I do not want to work at the Courier anymore. You constantly thwarted my goals and then you promoted Arjun over me while I was away on a conference. It wasn’t exactly the ideal working environment,’ I point out as I push through the front door and make my way towards breakfast.
‘Ah yes, Arjun. I may have been a little hasty there.’
Curiosity gets the better of me. ‘How so?’
‘Now, Jessica, I may have been a tad quick to promote him. But sometimes you have to go with your gut as a leader and that’s what I did. You’ll understand one day when you’re more senior. But really I am willing to admit that perhaps I should have consulted you.’
‘You’re telling me,’ I mutter uncharitably as I march through the tranquil gardens towards the main hotel.
‘And perhaps, well … he may not be quite as effective a journalist as I had imagined.’
The penny has dropped! Just a casual few months too late, but oh well.
‘Bryan, we had literal conversations about this at work,’ I reply, exasperated. ‘I told you countless times that Arjun was never going to cut it as a journalist, but you insisted that it was my management technique that needed work. You told me I was the problem, not him. So I spent weeks, months even, working tirelessly to train him up as well as covering all the work he was supposed to be doing, and my own. It was exhausting, Bryan. And I got nothing back. No, actually, what I did get in return was a complete lack of acknowledgement from my own manager. You! You were my manager and you ignored me. And then instead, you promoted him above me.’
‘Yes, precisely. And there’s no need to hash through all that again, Jessica, but I would like to know when you intend to return.’
I’ve reached the breakfast room now, spotted Em and Stella at our table. Em’s cradling a vat of coffee, head in hands after what turned out to be a super late night at the staff party last night. My whole mood lifts when I see my best friends.
‘Bryan, you aren’t listening. I do not plan to return.’
‘All right fine.’ He sighs, as if this entire conversation is frustrating for him . ‘How about a promotion, Jessica? You were angling after deputy editor, correct?’
‘Well,’ I splutter, blindsided. ‘Yes I was. And you told me that I didn’t have enough experience.’
‘We can make that work,’ he says.
I stop walking. And I try to process what is happening as I hover next to a selection of fruit juices by the breakfast buffet. I’ve finally been offered the promotion I’ve spent the past eight years angling for. Deputy editor of the Carpston Courier . I deserve that job title. I’ve worked so hard for that paper, being constantly overlooked by a senior team of middle-aged men who sit around in badly ironed suits and talk about the good old days on the news desk.
‘I’ve had books editor okayed for you, as well,’ Bryan adds after a long silence.
‘Books editor,’ I repeat, turning the words over in my mouth. The amount of times I pressed to review books for the newspaper and was thoroughly rejected. Only now that I’ve finally had the guts to quit the paper are they coming back to me with this, what I thought would be my dream job title.
‘Sounds good, doesn’t it?’ asks Bryan. ‘Jessica Jones: deputy editor, Carpston Courier . Plus books. Hmm, we’ll have to work on the title I suppose. Deputy and books editor? I tell you what, leave it to me, I’ll have a think on how to phrase it before we get your new business cards printed up. And a pay rise of course. Did I already say that? Commensurate with the title, so that will be another seven thousand.’
I put my hand on the table next to me. Wow. This is big. The title and a pay rise that will make a proper difference to my take home pay every month. I could afford to save a bit and go on breaks like these more often. I suddenly see Em and Stella and me on a beach in a hot climate.
‘So, see you on Monday?’ Bryan asks.
And for the briefest moment, I waver. I see a flat and I see me hosting Christmas there and Mum and Dad back from their travels and maybe having a spare bedroom where they could stay and then I shake my head and think no. No. I cannot actually consider going back to this quite frankly awful working environment. It’s like I’ve got Stockholm syndrome and now that the option to go back has been presented to me, I find myself oddly open to it. It’s what I thought I’ve wanted for so long, after all. But I don’t need it.
Because I look over at Em, tearing a croissant in half and laughing maniacally at me, and realise that I truly have changed. I don’t want to go back. I know life isn’t going to always be swanning around spas with my best friends, flitting from pedicure to massage like a total lush, but it also isn’t going to be trudging back to the journalism job I very much no longer want. Where my days are grey. Not because of the weather but because there is no joy in any of them. I want adventure. I want excitement. I want to go and grab life by the balls just like my parents currently are. And with them gone from my hometown, there really is nothing keeping me there anymore.
So I take a deep breath, and then I speak as slowly and clearly as my ragged nerves will allow.
‘I’m going to say this once more, for the cheap seats at the back. I quit, Bryan. I will not be coming back. I wish you and the paper all the best, going forward, but I will not be a part of it. Thank you and goodnight.’
I’ve reached our table now and with that, I hang up.
Em raises an eyebrow. ‘Are you feeling all right, love? You just wished someone, I’m guessing Bryan the bastard, goodnight and it’s not even 10am.’
‘Seemed dramatic?’ I ask.
‘Did you just quit again?’ she asks, a little confused.
I collapse down into a spare seat and gratefully accept my own vat of caffeine from Stella. ‘I think so?’ I puff. ‘He offered me deputy editor.’
‘What?’
‘And books editor.’
‘And you said …’
There are a few beats of silence. I look from one to the other before I announce, ‘No! I said no! I basically had an out-of-body experience over by the fruit juices and decided there and then that I definitely do not want to go back to Carpston.’
Em’s eyes are wide. ‘Jessie, your Saturn Return is bigger than even I could have predicted and I am totally at one with the stars.’
‘You totally are.’ I exhale.
‘I’m proud of you,’ she says.
‘Yeah, fuck Bryan,’ adds Stella, reaching out to grab my hand.
‘Yes, exactly! Eff Bryan!’ I say shakily, squeezing Stella’s right back.
‘Are you okay?’ Stella asks.
‘Think so. I feel like a weight has been lifted.’
‘I’m so proud of you.’ Stella smiles at me fondly. ‘So proud. In fact, you sit there, I’m going to fetch you some breakfast treats while you recline and soak up this moment for a while longer. The usual?’
‘Oh, yes please.’ I grin as Stella heads towards the buffet.
‘Did you see what I did to the croissant?’ Em says, chuckling at her own gag. ‘Real Croissants is over there by the way. Weird that she didn’t manage to find Dita last night.’
I glance over at the influencer, resplendent in pink gingham this morning.
‘Oh man, I still feel a bit bad about that,’ I say.
‘I literally can’t wait to hear about your night,’ says Em before Stella gets back to the table a veggie full English for me. ‘So, what does Zodiac Girlie have to say to you two today?’
I repeat my only-way-out-is-through mantra, looking nervously at Stella as I realise that now is the time to have this chat.
‘Mine simply said “major turmoil time”,’ says Stella. ‘Which even I, a cosmic refusenik, can understand.’
Em sucks in her breath like a plumber assessing a leaking pipe.
‘Ouch, that’s a tough one. Sometimes the stars can be a cruel mistress. Today might be a bit dicey for you, Stell.’
Yikes. I fidget nervously with my napkin. Is my Luke revelation going to cause my best friend major turmoil? Argh. I don’t want to do that to her! My stomach flips in anticipation, although Stella seems less concerned by the prediction.
‘Major turmoil time.’ She chuckles, demolishing a cinnamon bun. ‘It sounds like a retro sitcom about the war.’
‘Hmm.’ Em looks genuinely worried. ‘Did it say anything else?’
‘Nope.’
‘Let’s make an extra promise to all be there for each other today, you guys. Major turmoil time could mean—’
‘That the enemy is invading and we all need to hide in bunkers?’ Stella suggests.
Em sighs. ‘No. It could mean—’
‘That we should roll up our sleeves and chip in with the war effort?’
‘Oh for heaven’s sake, Stella!’ Em huffs. ‘I’m trying to help.’
Stella looks suitably chastised at this.
‘Sorry, Em,’ she says, sticking out her bottom lip. ‘I know you are. I love you for it. And I promise that if I come across any moments of turbulence today, I will try to stay calm and then immediately come and find you.’
Em nods, placated.
‘But now, I’ve got to love you and leave you.’
‘You’re going?’ I ask. She can’t! We need to talk! Major turmoil time is now!
‘Me and Luke are hanging out this morning. The kid messaged to say he’s got some spare time. We’re meeting in ten.’
‘But—’ I stutter. Oh man. Is Luke going to chat to Stella first? Should I be there for that? Or maybe they are just spending some sibling time together. We really should have discussed this last night but I got way too carried away with all the kissing. Damn it.
‘You okay?’ asks Stella.
‘Can we talk?’ I say. ‘Once you and Luke have finished hanging out?’
‘Wait, you wanted to chat last night before I had to go deal with work, right? Is everything all right?’ Stella frowns, concerned.
‘Yes, fine,’ I insist. ‘Just, you know, fancy a chat.’
‘I can cancel Luke?’
‘No, don’t do that, you need some bro time.’
‘Okay, shall I call you when I’m free?’
‘Yes please.’
And with that, Stella leaves us to it while Emerald pumps her eyebrows at me.
‘Let me guess,’ Em says. ‘It’s time to talk to Stella about how much you like her hot little bro?’
I squirm. ‘Pretty much.’
‘So you had a good night last night? Because from what I saw, you two were creating more heat than the bonfire.’
‘Oh my days,’ I squeak, giddy and relieved to be able to talk about it at last. ‘Yes we did, Em, yes we did. Although you and Ryan didn’t exactly keep it PG either.’
‘I know,’ says Em, clapping. ‘But this is standard me behaviour. This is not standard you behaviour. Tell me more.’
‘Things … happened last night, Em,’ I whisper, unable to keep the huge smile from my face.
‘OHMYGOD. SEXY THINGS?’ she shouts back, causing fellow diners to turn their heads.
‘Shh! No! I meant emotionally . God, it was the best night, Em. Connections galore. And the kissing! Luke asked me back to his and it took every inch of restraint not to go.’
Em looks suddenly furious. ‘What the hell, Jessie? Why would you not go? This is the stupidest thing you have ever done and it’s already a crowded field, my friend.’
‘Hey!’
‘What did I tell you about the importance of pleasure, babes? Do you not listen?!’
‘Okay, jeez, take a breath, Emerald. I know all of that, and of course I listen to you. I’ve been actively engaging with Zodiac Girlie, right? I just can’t let things between us get any deeper until I’ve been honest with Stella.’
‘You and your moral code!’ She tuts. ‘I’d almost forgotten that you want to get the green light from Stella before you spend the rest of the holiday smashing Luke.’
I cover my eyes. It’s way too bright and I’m way too tired to be processing such thoughts right now.
‘Babes, your aura.’ She giggles. ‘If anyone ever needed some good sex to cleanse and purify, it is you.’
I groan. ‘And now they’ve gone to hang out, and I don’t know if Luke’s going to say something, and I really want to just get this off my chest because I’m feeling bad about it. And I still don’t have Luke’s number.’
‘I’m sorry, why don’t you have his number?’
‘Maybe because we keep getting thwarted when we spend time together? And then last night I was way too busy snogging his face off to think about practicalities. And we’re in a luxury spa, Em! I don’t even have to remember my own name, here, because everything is catered for without me having to think . So I didn’t think to ask for his number and now I can’t get in touch and I don’t even know where they’ve gone so I can’t—’
‘Oh my god.’ Em seems exasperated. ‘Calm yourself down, Jessie. Stella said that she was meeting him in the maze first. You could catch up with them there?’
I consider this. ‘Two things. One: there’s a maze here?’
Em shrugs. ‘I hadn’t seen it either. Past the herb garden, apparently. But I haven’t seen that either. Who’s hanging out in a herb garden when there’s pools and massages and a free bar to be had?’
‘Huh. And two: won’t it be weird to have the conversation while Luke is actually there? Like, I think this should just be a friend-to-friend thing. I’d hate for Stella to feel like we were cornering her.’
‘Jessie, when has Stella ever felt like she was being cornered? She’s the cornerer, if anything. She’ll be fine. Besides, you can always ask Luke to give you two some time if you really want to.’
I consider this for all of one second before deciding that it’s a great idea. Things definitely ramped up a few thousand notches between Luke and me last night and if I don’t get this off my chest soon, I may well explode.
‘Okay.’ I exhale. ‘I’ll do it. And also, can we take a moment to appreciate how accurate Zodiac Girlie is for me? The only way out is through and I’m literally about to go through a maze on my quest for true love.’
Em is welling up as she looks at me fondly from across the table.
‘I absolutely love this for you, Jessie.’
‘Wait,’ I say, not wanting to leave Em on her own at breakfast. ‘Tell me more about what happened with Ryan first. Did you two have fun last night?’
‘So much.’ She beams. ‘Ended up back at Ryan’s.’
‘Did he cleanse your aura?’ I grin.
‘Thoroughly. Now, Jessie, for Jupiter’s sake, stop being polite and go and find Stella before you burst. Hang on, drink this first.’ She pushes a shot glass in my direction.
‘What’s in that?’
‘Ginger, vinegar, collagen.’
‘That sounds literally horrendous, Em. I’m not necking vinegar for breakfast!’
‘Don’t argue, Jessie. Straight down the hatch. It’ll do wonders for your pep.’
‘My pep?’
‘Exactly! You’ll need a spring in your step when you’re off to ravish Luke. You can thank me later.’
I eye the glass warily, and then neck it. It tastes even worse than it sounds.
‘You’re welcome,’ says Em. ‘Now go chat to Stella! I’m rooting for you, babes.’
I clatter out of breakfast and beyond the herb garden on the hunt for a maze, which I cannot believe I haven’t spotted in the almost entire week I’ve been here. It’s as if I’ve had my head in the clouds or something. Ahem.
And there it is. There’s even a big sign that says the word ‘maze’ on it. From my vantage point I can see down into the twists and turns of the neatly trimmed hedges, all routes wending their way towards a circular clearing in the middle with a fountain in it. It doesn’t look that big from up here, and in one corner I spot two heads walking through it together. Stella and Luke! I make a beeline for the entrance.
Once inside the maze, I realise that perspective has got a lot to answer for. What looked quite small from just outside the main building is, in fact, a big maze. I can’t see over the hedges, for a start, and it’s disorientating to be surrounded by thick, leafy bushes.
‘Get a grip, Jess,’ I mutter to myself, striking on.
One dead end. Turn around. Oh, this looks more promising! Wait, haven’t I seen this bit of bush before?
Five minutes later and, exasperated, I consider shouting out to see if Stella and Luke can come and find me. Where even are they?
I’m bustling through yet more pathways when Stella’s voice comes floating over the tightly packed hedges.
‘It’s been a bit hit and miss with Fran recently,’ she’s saying.
‘I thought something was playing on your mind,’ replies Luke. ‘Are you two okay?’
Sounds like they’re having an important chat and I freeze, not wanting to interrupt or eavesdrop. I cast around, looking for a route towards them when the time is right.
‘Fran really wants kids,’ Stella says. ‘And you know she’s like a dog with a bone. When she wants something, she wants it yesterday.’
‘Where do you stand on that?’ Luke asks.
‘I don’t know. When we first all got here, I was feeling really quite stressed about it but Jess and Em have been so good. They’ve helped me to acknowledge that it’s okay to not have made my mind up yet. I ended up having a big heart to heart with Fran last night.’
‘Is that why you didn’t come to the staff party?’
‘I did come! But then I had a work thing to clear up and once that had been sorted I just had this yearning to try and clear the air with Fran. How was the party, by the way? You look knackered.’
‘Yeah, it was …’ Luke pauses and I can hear the smile in his voice. ‘It was awesome.’
‘Sounds like Em spent the entire night flirting with Ryan. Did you see Jess? I hope she was okay and not left on her own.’
‘Nope. I mean, yeah, she, ah, looked like she was enjoying herself too.’
Oh god . I’m actually quite pleased they can’t see me right now. I think my cheeks are having their very own tomato girl summer.
‘So’ – Luke clears his throat – ‘the chat with Fran went well, then?’
‘I definitely feel better for having had it,’ Stella says. ‘I explained that we’re not even thirty yet, and that hopefully we’ve still got plenty of time to make these decisions.’
‘It’s difficult when you’re coming from different perspectives.’
‘Yes,’ Stella agrees. ‘We haven’t exactly resolved things, but then I don’t know how we can resolve it because I just haven’t made my mind up yet.’
‘And that’s okay, Stell,’ says Luke. I like how reassuring he’s being and I do not like how I am accidentally eavesdropping on this situation. ‘All you can do is be open and honest with each other.’
‘When did you get so wise?’ she asks, as I cast around for a different exit. There must be another route which will lead me to them, surely? And why are mazes so leafy and confusing?!
‘Maybe this whole time? You’d probably have enjoyed some more of my wisdom if you let me get a word in edgeways when we were younger.’
‘There was nothing wise about your Bermuda shorts years.’
‘You never did have any style.’
I’m laughing as I listen to the two of them bicker, picturing Stella’s face after Luke dealt this no-style blow.
‘Ouch! Don’t punch me,’ complains Luke.
Thought so.
‘You deserved that.’ Stella laughs. ‘Remember when Fran and I came out to America to stay with you guys and Brie turned up at the airport in a latex boob tube? I thought Fran was going to have a heart attack.’
I pause, unsettled, my mind snagging on Stella’s last words. Who is Brie? An ex-girlfriend, maybe? I try to breathe normally, even though self-confidence-destroying thoughts are now niggling at me. The spectre of an ex who wears latex to the airport and looks so good that she induces palpitations.
I finally find another path I don’t think I’ve tried yet and make my way down it.
Stella and Luke’s voices are still clear, slightly louder even, so I must be walking towards them.
‘How is Brie?’ Stella asks. ‘You haven’t said anything about her since you got here.’
‘I haven’t had much of a chance to—’ Luke’s saying, but Stella interrupts him.
‘When does she land?’ she asks.
I feel a strange pulling sensation in the pit of my stomach. A sense of foreboding, the sudden appearance of a ton of red flags all waving directly at me. My body’s itching to get out of here.
‘I’m assuming she’s got a job at the hotel here too,’ Stella says. ‘Will you be her boss or vice versa? Ha, could be awkward.’
‘Stell—’
‘I know I haven’t spent all that much time with Brie,’ says Stella, ‘but you two are cute together. Like peas in a pod. Listen, I know I can take the piss sometimes but, real talk, I really like Brie. It’s amazing that you have the tennis background in common. Look at me and Fran right now. It’s important to have that good foundation for when the shit hits the fan. Anyway,’ Stella finishes, finally taking a breath, ‘it’s been, what, four years for you two? You must be missing your girlfriend like crazy, little bro.’
Girlfriend.
Present tense.
The word hits me like a sucker punch.
I think I’m going to be sick.