Chapter 22
I can’t help but stop, for just a moment, to drink him in, so mad with myself for the way I still feel when I see him, after everything that’s happened. My pulse has quickened. My eyes have dilated. My fingers twitch with their need to reach out to him. I can see that Luke’s are doing the same and it makes me think of those old Westerns, where the hot criminal walks into a bar, fingers itching to unholster his gun.
He scans the room, finally finding me. Eyes settling on mine.
You could hear a pin drop.
Rita’s knitting needle actually does clatter loudly to the floor in the silence.
‘Don’t mind me,’ she says amiably, motioning for us to continue.
I can’t look away from Luke, because my stupid eyeballs are drawn to him like moths to a flame even after everything he’s done.
He takes a step towards me.
‘Jess,’ he says, that low Yorkshire accent like a melody.
I take a step back.
‘Nope. Not today, Satan. Off you pop,’ I say, pointing back towards the front door.
‘She gets lairy after she’s had a few whiskys,’ Em explains to the crowd.
‘And several pints,’ Dita adds.
‘I’m not lairy!’ I round on them. ‘I’m owning my own worth,’ I add, channelling my inner Zodiac Girlie.
‘Is there somewhere private these two can go to talk?’ asks Em.
‘Oh sure,’ says Gary, showing us an old-school saloon-type room off the main bar. ‘Totally private in there.’
Everyone turns to look at me expectantly.
‘I’m not going in there, with him!’ I say, swinging back to glare at Luke.
He’s edged further into the pub, his head hanging low as he looks up at me through dark eyelashes.
‘Jessica!’ sighs Emerald, who appears to be really quite exasperated by now. ‘There’s something you don’t know. You’ve got to hear him out, please , babes. You know I wouldn’t put you in a horrible situation if I didn’t know it would be worth it, right? Now will you please get in the bloody saloon with Luke and hear him out?’
‘No, Emerald, I don’t want to,’ I say, hands on hips, or at least near hips, it’s quite hard to tell where they are after all this beer.
‘I’ll go.’ Luke starts to back off. ‘I just … I’m really sorry, Jess.’
‘You’re going nowhere.’ Em rounds on him. ‘Jess, stop being so stubborn, for goodness’ sake. You’ve done quite enough “percolating” now.’ She sticks her bottom lip out a tiny amount, a move that for some reason I always find terribly hard to stand firm to. ‘Please,’ she says, smushing her hands together and giving me a very cute face.
‘Urgh, fine. Five minutes, but I’m only doing this for you.’
I’ve barely finished my sentence when Em practically bundles me into the saloon while Dita clicks her fingers and sends Luke in after me.
The door closes behind us and I look anywhere but at Luke, taking in the dark wood tables and scuffed velvet seats. I hitch myself up onto a table and lean forward with my forearms pressed into my thighs. Thank goodness I had the wherewithal to swipe a cup of beer from beer pong before I got strong-armed in here. Take the edge off.
‘Jess,’ Luke says again, and it physically hurts to hear him say my name like that.
‘What?’ I ask, and it comes out so harshly that I can feel Luke’s reaction, the intake of his breath, and in that moment I like it. I want him to feel bad. To feel just an inch of how I’ve been feeling all day, before his American girlfriend flies in and they go back to being two peas in a pissing pod.
‘I really need to explain this all to you, if you’ll let me?’
‘Oh sure, Luke, yes, please. I’d love to hear all about this. Actually just can’t wait to hear more about your beautiful latex-wearing American girlfriend, so fit that she gives Stella’s partner heart palpitations. Honestly, please do tell me more about her. Or maybe, more about how you lied to me. Made me feel like I was special—’ My voice cracks here but I’m too angry to stop. ‘Like maybe we had something special. When actually, you were just using me.’
Luke stands there by the closed door, taking this from me, his brows crossed above sincere eyes. He runs a hand through his hair.
‘I don’t understand,’ I carry on, and it’s more like a sob now. ‘Why would you do this?’
‘Fuck, please don’t cry,’ he says, pain etched on his face, his fingers fidgeting in the effort of staying still. ‘I’m so sorry I’ve caused this whole mess.’ He reaches towards me, thinks better of it, snatches his hand away again. His head is bowed low.
‘You’ve been bleeding, Jess,’ he says.
I swipe angrily at the cut on my face. Glare down at the floor.
‘Can we just get this over with, please? I’ve got one last day of holiday with my friends before I go home, I don’t want to spend it feeling like this.’
‘You’re going home?’
I shrug. ‘Guess so. I’ve been offered a job.’
I glance up to see Luke using his fingertips to rub his forehead. I can hear him inhale. See the turmoil on his face as he tries to put whatever he’s about to say into words.
‘You’re right,’ he says eventually, shakily. ‘I have been lying.’
‘Ha,’ I bark out a hollow laugh, kicking my legs out in front of me like a petulant teenager. ‘Knew it.’
‘But not to you. To Stella. I did have a girlfriend back in the States but we broke up last year, Jess. Almost twelve months ago. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell my sister, so I kind of kept the lie going, which is so fucking stupid of me, I realise now.’ He pauses, tips his head back until it thuds against the door.
My fingers reach for the table I’m sitting on, and I grip it.
Luke carries on talking.
‘Stella practically raised me, Jess, you know that. She was mum and sister all rolled into one because our actual mum just couldn’t handle it. Stella sacrificed so much of her own childhood to make sure that I had mine—’ His voice breaks at this, and my heart breaks for him, but I fight with myself to push those feelings down. Away.
I watch as Luke composes himself. ‘And when I got that scholarship to America, she was so proud. She also made me promise to look after myself, which I did because she can be absolutely terrifying.’
I let out the tiniest laugh at this, eyes returning to the floor.
‘And we spoke all the time I was away. She was there for me when the pro career went up in flames, she was solid as a rock. And when Stella and Fran came over for my birthday one year, I could see just how happy she was that I’d found someone over there. Brie was great, she’s a good person. We were together for a few years. I knew that Stella loved that, she found comfort in the knowledge that I had someone over there, I guess.’
Luke stops and I look up briefly to see him shake his head.
Neither of us says anything for a while. There’s too much new information swirling around in my brain for me to talk. My mind keeps snagging on the crucial fact, that he’s not with anyone else, but somehow it feels too delicate, too precious to reach out and hold on to.
I’m aware of Luke stepping further into the room then. Moving closer towards me. He crouches down so he can meet my gaze, his hopeful face directly in front of me now. I try to look away but I can’t.
‘Jess, I’m not with anybody else. Brie and I broke up a year ago and, you know, there was no dramatic end to the relationship. Nothing big happened. We’d just fizzled out, that’s all. I think we both knew that we weren’t right for each other in the long run. But I didn’t tell Stella and I wish I had, so much, because it’s brought you all this pain and I hate that, Jess. I hate it. I never ever want to hurt you. I didn’t tell Stella because I thought, stupidly, that I was looking out for her by pretending it was still going on. I thought she’d found peace knowing that I was in a relationship over there.’
My head’s spinning. My tear-stained cheeks feel tight. I want so much for this to be true that I can almost feel my need taking shape. And still I can’t say anything, not yet. I can’t vocalise this hope that’s building deep inside me. It feels too fragile still, and I don’t want to frighten it away.
Luke’s on his knees in front of me. His brow knitted. He’s looking at me so tenderly, with so much emotion behind those steel-grey eyes.
‘I should have told the truth ages ago,’ he’s saying now, shaking his head. ‘I fully understand that lying like this is not a good look for me, and that’s why I stayed back at the hotel earlier. Jesus, when I realised that you’d overheard our conversation in the maze—’ He shakes his head. ‘I’ve never felt like that before. Furious with myself and desperate to come and see you so I could explain myself. But I also had to make things right with my sister because she deserved to hear the truth.’
The corner of my mouth twitches up at the thought of this.
‘How did that go for you?’ I ask.
‘She was mad. Furious, actually. She couldn’t understand why I’d felt the need to lie to protect her and made it pretty clear that she didn’t want it to happen again. Usually when she’s cross she’ll just swear a lot but this time she was quiet.’
‘That’s when you know she’s really mad,’ I say.
Our eyes meet and I see a flicker of hope cross his face.
‘Didn’t help that she was armed,’ he says with the smallest smile. ‘She’d talked me into joining her for an archery class—’
I wince.
‘We were in the middle of trying to hit the target when Em came to find me. She pulled me aside to explain and when I went back to the class, I was in a bit of a state myself thinking about you, what you’d heard, how you’d gone missing. My head was all over the place. So I blurted it out right when Stella was about to take a shot and let’s just say neither of us is allowed back onto the range again.’
‘Oh. Shit.’
‘I’m definitely never lying to her again, that’s for sure,’ Luke adds with a soft smile. ‘So here’s the truth, Jess. I haven’t been in a relationship for ages and then I met you. And I would move mountains to make this happen between us. To take away your hurt.’
And I know this is the truth. I can feel it with every fibre of my being.
‘Luke—’ I say, heart soaring. ‘You don’t need to move mountains. I’m right here.’
He quiets. Watches me like he can’t quite believe what I’m saying.
Sensing that he’s struggling to compute what just happened, I decide to spell it out.
‘I’m going to need for you to kiss me now.’
He’s up on his feet in a heartbeat, wrapping one arm around my body, pulling me closer to him. The kiss, when it comes, is so tender I could cry. His lips like soft feathers on mine, his finger stroking gently around the cut on my cheek. The way he murmurs my name like he can’t breathe without it.
‘I need to see you,’ he says eventually.
‘I’m right here.’ I laugh.
But he pulls away anyway, looks at me so intently that heat pools throughout my body.
‘Is this real?’ he asks, fingers swirling around the pulse points on my wrists. ‘Do you really forgive me?’
‘There’s nothing to forgive,’ I say. ‘I mean … your timing is awful and you could work on being more open with your sister but apart from that, we’re good.’
A huge, thankful smile crosses his face and he looks like a weight has been lifted.
‘In that case, we’re going to need to get back to mine as soon as humanly possible,’ he murmurs. ‘Get you out of those’ – he cocks his head– ‘bloody clothes.’
‘Yes,’ I whisper, and that’s when the whole of the pub erupts with the sound of cheering.
The saloon door swings open and there stands Em, whooping like mad.
Luke and I pull apart.
‘Yes, babes! Go, go, get back to the hotel!’ cheers Em.
I shift my position, wrapping my arms around myself.
‘Did you hear all that?’ I ask.
‘Totally,’ says Carl the taxi driver.
‘Ooh yes,’ Peter, Anita and Rita answer in unison.
‘Aye, aye, aye,’ purrs Dita.
Oh my god. My cheeks are burning as Luke wraps his arm around me protectively. I slot in perfectly, feeling the warmth of his body.
‘All right, show’s over.’ He laughs.
Carl announces that he’ll give us a lift back and makes an unmentionable comment about spilt bodily fluids costing extra that I shan’t repeat here. So I say my goodbyes to my pensioner pals while Dita signs some autographs before setting off with Viktor. Then Em, Luke and I pile into Carl’s cab.
‘Wait, Luke, how did you get here?’ I ask.
‘I ran,’ he admits.
‘What?’ shouts Em. ‘The hotel’s, what, five miles away?’
‘Yeah, I’m going to need a shower when we get back.’
‘I’ll join you,’ I blurt out before remembering we’re in company.
‘Jeez,’ groans Em. ‘This is going to be a long car ride home.’