Chapter 23
It is a long five miles home. With my legs pressed up against Luke’s in the backseat, I can’t think straight, and Emerald is definitely not helping with all of the eyebrow pumping she’s been doing from the front seat. She shoots back constant orders for us not to get frisky in the back of the taxi, which makes Carl laugh and is actually a pretty good distraction from all the thoughts of a hot shower with Luke. Finally we reach the turning for Gurnard Cove, and it strikes me that so much has changed since I last made this journey just under a week ago. I mean, sure, some things remain the same, like the fact that I am still accident prone and covered in stains. But I feel even closer to my best friends now, and I don’t even know where to start on the man sat next to me. As Carl drives down the gravel pathway, we spot Stella waiting for us outside the entrance to the hotel and my stomach flips again. She looks … quite stern.
‘Argh,’ I garble. ‘Time to face the music.’
Luke reaches across and squeezes my hand. I catch an intoxicating scent of cotton fresh fabric softener plus sweat.
‘I told her everything,’ he says. ‘Not just about my ex, about how I feel for you too. About us.’
Us. We’re an us! The butterflies in my stomach take flight.
I’m about to ask Luke how Stella took that particular portion of the news when she knocks on the window.
‘Jessica, Jessica, Jessica,’ she says, pulling a face.
And just like that, I’m one hundred per cent sober again.
Is she mad?
‘Erm … hey, Stell,’ I say as we all clatter out of the taxi, Dita and Viktor pulling up in a matte black mega car shortly after us.
Ooh great, an audience!
‘Stella,’ I begin, painfully aware that Luke is also hovering in the background. ‘I, erm … Can I have a word?’
Stella folds her arms expectantly.
‘Right,’ I say. ‘You know I love you more than anything in the world, and I value our friendship above pretty much anything else, right?’
‘Right.’ Stella’s lip twitches like she’s suppressing a smile.
‘And I would never do anything to damage our friendship.’
‘That’s true!’ Em chips in eagerly.
‘But there is, erm, something I have to tell you.’
‘Ooh!’ says Em. ‘Is it that you’re going to flounce off in another paddy? Because I’ve booked a diamond blow-dry for 5pm and I don’t really want to miss it, so Stell, you’re going to have to deal with Jessie this time.’
‘Emerald! It wasn’t a paddy and can you please pipe down!’
‘Jeez, Main Character Jess is kinda spiky.’ Em rolls her eyes good-naturedly.
‘It’s about The Pact,’ I plough on. ‘And … my feelings towards Luke. Your little brother.’
Stella’s left eyebrow spikes up. ‘Yes, thank you, Jess, I am aware that Luke is my little brother. Are you talking about the pact that we made back at uni about not dating each other’s siblings?’
‘Yes, and, erm, the fact is, I’ve sort of developed feelings for Luke and I’m sort of wondering if you might consider lifting the pact so that I can maybe, erm …’
‘She wants to smash your little bro,’ Em cuts in.
‘OH MY GOD, EM,’ I squeal.
‘That was unnecessary, Emerald,’ Stella says before turning back to me. ‘Jess, we made that pact when we were teenagers. I think we’ve already established that we all did some stupid things back then. Remember when I tried to crochet a crop top? Remember your recriminations over nothing? And we haven’t discussed Em’s biltong-curing phase yet.’
‘Hey!’ she protests. ‘I made money from that biltong.’
‘You had meat hanging in your wardrobe and the whole flat smelled revolting and you literally sold one biltong to a boy who fancied you,’ Stella points out.
Em tuts.
I clear my throat. ‘I’ve never felt like this before.’ I glance at Luke. ‘But obviously …’
I trail off, noticing that Stella looks like she’s mulling this over. Meanwhile, Luke clears his throat, steps forward and takes my hand. ‘Same,’ he says.
My heart whooshes.
And suddenly Stella’s face breaks into a huge smile. ‘Oh my god.’ She laughs. ‘You should see the look on your faces! As if I was going to put my foot down on this just because of some pact we made before we were grown-ass women.’
She chuckles away to herself while I shoot Luke a look.
‘Come over here, you two,’ she says, bringing us in for a hug. ‘I’m really happy for you guys because I love you both dearly and it’s so obvious that you’ll make the most adorable couple. But listen, if you ever do anything to hurt—’
‘I won’t,’ I say in a rush.
‘Not you .’ She laughs. ‘I’m talking to this little dickhead. Do anything to hurt my best friend again and I will hunt you down. Hunt you down, Luke.’
I’m terrified on his behalf.
‘That won’t happen,’ says Luke.
‘Then go forth, with my blessing,’ Stella adds magnanimously. ‘Just spare me the details please. Straight sex is gross enough without it involving a sibling.’
Em, Dita and Carl start clapping and I’m awash with an acute feeling of happiness. It brings a certain clarity, too. For a while there, I thought I’d got this all wrong. I’d quit my job and ditched my annoying ex and set off on holiday with absolutely zero idea what my future had in store and then Luke came along and it all seemed to make sense. And then so did the news of Brie, and I spiralled. I was so close to going back to work with my tail between my legs. Back to my old life where I definitely was not living my life to its fullest.
I think back on my friendship with Stella and Em, and my role as mum of the group, and I don’t regret that. But it strikes me now that I have spent the past ten years living vicariously through them. Every phone conversation with Emerald, where she shares some little snippet of what she’s been getting up to. The amazing career. The trips abroad. The men! And Stella too, with her success and her confidence and her joie de vivre. I’ve been living off their crumbs, through no fault of theirs, ever since we left uni.
It’s time I made my own meal. No crumbs allowed.
It’s time to start living my own life to the maximum.
It’s time, I decide, to have at it.
I nestle closer into Luke, pressing myself up on my tiptoes so that he can hear me.
‘I’ve a favour to ask,’ I say.
He looks down at me.
‘Anything,’ he replies, which makes me swallow hard and briefly lose focus.
‘There’s something else I need to do, and I sort of need to do it now.’
‘Now?’
‘Mm hm. Can you wait for me? I’ll only be a couple of hours or so.’
‘I would wait forever for you, Jess.’
‘Jessica Jones, what the eff are we doing?’ asks Em as I grab my two best friends and hurtle through the hotel, out past the outdoor swimming pool, along the side of the gym, back past our suite and through the woods.
‘Follow me!’ I call.
‘Shouldn’t you be smashing Luke right now?’ Em asks.
‘Sibling present,’ barks Stella. Out of the woods, along the headland, down the thousand steps, across the sand where Luke and I first sat together, back when us seemed totally impossible.
I say ‘back when’, even though it was a week ago, but holy smokes a lot has changed in this past week.
‘I have this overwhelming need to try something. I’ve just got to get it out of my system,’ I say as we reach the beach hut, and find Ryan there singing along to old-school surf tunes.
‘Ryan, will you take us coasteering please?’ I ask.
‘Sure.’ He shrugs, giving Em a wink and heading out back to find three wetsuits.
‘Babes, I had no idea that you’d be so into coasteering,’ Em marvels as the three of us zip ourselves in.
‘I’m really not sure what’s happening,’ says Stella.
‘Let’s do this.’ I beam as Ryan leads us out towards the coast.
As we go, I think back to how crazy this break had seemed. Just a week or two earlier I’d been utterly dedicated to a job that didn’t value me, busting my balls to prove myself time and time again. I never took time off, fearing that it would make me look unprofessional, which I can see now was total madness. The sense of freedom I felt from quitting, on my terms, has been incredible. Finally I am taking proper ownership of my destiny, I think, before realising I sound a lot like Emerald.
‘I’m taking ownership of my destiny!’ I call over to her as we scramble up a cliff.
‘I love this for you, Jessie,’ she calls back, the wind whipping her hair.
‘Jesus wept,’ mutters Stella. ‘Am I the only one who hasn’t lost it today?’
Holy moly it’s hot. My aching legs drive up the steps and onto the headland which I didn’t dare jump off last time. Sheer drops and Jessica 1.0 were not a happy combination, back when I was driven by a fear of everything. Fear of losing my best mates. Fear of telling Stella the truth. Fear of letting myself feel true emotions for an unbelievably handsome man. I look around at my two best mates, all three of us hot and sweaty, hair going crazy. We’ve been through so much together, I think, absolutely filled up with love for these incredible women by my side.
‘I just wanted to say that I love you guys,’ I puff.
‘Aw, emotional Jessie is one of my favourites.’ Em grins.
‘Could we maybe have done that without the half-hour hike across challenging coastal terrain, first?’ asks Stella.
‘No, because I really wanted to do this,’ I say, motioning to the cliff’s edge.
‘What, show us the sea?’ Stella asks.
‘It is very pretty,’ Em says indulgently.
‘I just … I need to prove one final thing to myself,’ I say. ‘And I wanted to do that with you two.’
‘Omg are you going to jump this time?’ Em cottons on.
I walk over to the water’s edge, to where I couldn’t make the jump last time. Down below, the glorious blue water.
‘Yes!’ I say happily. ‘Will you come with me?’
‘The things I do in the name of friendship.’ Stella grins. ‘Go on, then.’
And so the three of us line up in our wetsuits on the edge of the cliff. We take hold of each other’s hands. I count down from three, and then we launch ourselves off the headland and into the water.
It takes nanoseconds to hit the sea (it really was not that far after all) but that brief moment in the air feels so good. I can feel all the weight I’ve been carrying whip off me and disappear into thin air. The air swooshes past my ears and I think I’m shouting WHEEEE like a small child going down a slide.
Splash.
I’m in the water, air pockets bubbling around me. My head breaks through to the surface and a glorious sense of sheer elation floats through my whole body. Em and Stella come to the surface too, and we’re all pushing our hair out of our eyes, hooting with laughter together as we come up for air.
‘Now that is what I call a Saturn Return,’ says Em, beaming, as we bob up and down in the water. I let my limbs stretch out, relishing the feeling of lightness. It’s literal, but emotional too. So much has been washed away by these gentle waves, and I have a feeling that there are so many new things to come, too.
Elated, the three of us walk with Ryan back towards the beach hut and there, in the sand, stands Luke.
‘I might stay at the beach you know,’ Em says, and I see her winking at Stella.
‘What?’ Stella says, and then suddenly, ‘Oh yeah, me too. Definitely hang out here for a while.’
I grin at both of them.
‘I might not, if you don’t mind?’
‘Don’t you dare stay here!’ Em says, shoving me in the sand towards the waiting Luke.
‘I could get the paddleboards out if you guys want?’ I hear Ryan say, as I walk away, crossing the sand towards Luke, my heart in my mouth.
‘You made the jump.’ He smiles proudly at me.
‘Did you see?’
‘Yup. You looked amazing jumping off that cliff.’ He laces his fingers through mine and we stand there, drinking each other in.
‘Thanks,’ I reply. ‘It felt great. So, I was wondering if you’re taking any more classes today, or if, maybe, you have some free time?’
‘My classes are done for the day,’ he says. ‘And if they weren’t I’d consider faking a hamstring injury.’
‘Shame,’ I tease. ‘I was hoping we might teach each other a thing or two. But sounds like you’re going to have to spend a lot of time in bed.’
Luke lets out a sigh that does major things to my insides.
‘Yes, I am going to be doing that. And you’re coming with me. Happy for you to teach me a thing or two. I think we’re going to need to get you out of these wet clothes for these lessons.’
A thrill shivers through me.
‘Sounds sensible,’ I manage as he leads me back to his.