8. Sawyer
Sawyer
The drop captures all the air in my lungs. Colors blur by as we plummet down the first hill. It’s so fast, so intense, that my stomach nosedives. The only thing keeping me anchored is the pressure of Knox’s hand around mine.
In the background of it all, I hear Owen shrieking like he did as a kid…
his notorious roller coaster screech. It cuts through the roaring wind and the rattling tracks and I can’t help but crack a grin.
He’s happy. Maybe not truly, deep down where it matters, but right now he’s experiencing joy and knowing that loosens the tightness in my chest.
The track rushes up to meet us and then we’re banking hard into the first turn, pressing me into Knox’s shoulder. He’s solid and warm, even against the fabric of my shirt. Of course he would be and of course I’m aware of every point where our bodies touch and of course I hate that I do.
The turn straightens and I catch a glimpse of the setting sun before the track tilts up again. We’re climbing fast, gearing up for the first loop, I think. All I know is that my heart is trying to break out of my chest.
“You good?” Knox shouts, squeezing my hand.
I can’t speak, instead I nod as much as I’m able to and grip his hand tighter as we climb higher, the nose of the train tilting back, back, back until I’m staring straight up at the cotton candy sky.
Click. Click. Click.
That sound is like nails on a chalkboard. I grip the restraint with my free hand, trying to breathe, listening to the couple behind us laugh nervously and trying to hear Owen, but I think he’s silent again.
I wonder if he’s watching me? If he’s in the moment or thinking about everything to come.
He has a ring.
The thought slams into me again as we near the top of the climb. He’s going to propose tonight…or at least he was going to. Am I being rash? What we have is so close to married couple status, would a ring matter?
Yes. A ring is forever.
I close my eyes and picture it for a split second. An altar, me in a white dress, Owen beside me, Knox as his best man. Fuck. I feel dizzy and it’s the absolute worst timing.
We crest the top of the climb and there it is...the massive loop ahead. We’re about to go upside down…completely inverted, what feels like hundreds of feet in the air.
“Here we go!” Knox says, his voice trembling.
And we tip forward, plunging into the loop.
The world completely inverts so suddenly it’s disorientating.
Blood rushes to my head as we swing upside down, my hair falling toward the sky…
no, the ground…no, I don’t know which way is up anymore.
The restraint is the only thing between me and the pavement far below so I grip that thing like my life depends on it.
For one surreal and slightly terrifying second, we’re completely upside down at the very top of the loop. It’s absurd really, that man has created this thing that lets us experience a feeling we probably never should be able to, at least not in this capacity.
I force my eyes open to take in the sights below, but only see blurs, so I close them again and just feel.
It’s overwhelming to take it all in. To experience everything in that moment. The stomach floating sensation, the weightlessness, the hard metal against my back where my shirt’s ridden up, the breeze hitting my mouth, making it dry.
Beyond that, there’s this freedom. The knowledge that right now I’m suspended between the earth and sky…suspended between who I should be and who I am. Hell, I can’t even see clearly, literally and figuratively and that’s so fucking ironic, I’d laugh if I could.
But I can’t, so I just let go, let this moment of total surrender take the wheel and drive off the highway onto the back roads. I know it won’t last long, but maybe later, if I close my eyes, I can come back here, to this place where everything is out of my control and I can just be.
Crack.
The sound is like a gunshot if it were amplified one hundred times. It’s so jarring that I feel it in my teeth, in my spine, in my ribcage. I wrench my eyes open as the train shudders and jerks sideways fast enough that something pulls in my neck.
White spots dance in my field of vision. I can’t see. Can’t focus.
But the sounds. Screaming. People are screaming, and some distant part of my brain registers that it sounds different than before.
It sounds wrong, but I can’t process why because we’re still upside down and my hands are going numb and Knox is saying something I can’t hear over the sound of metal shrieking.
The train lurches again, harder this time, a violent shudder that travels through the entire structure and into my body until I can feel it in my organs. I blink a few times before my vision clears.
I almost wish it didn’t as I look straight down at the asphalt below.
Shit. Oh my God.
Then a woman in the front of our train pulls my focus. She’s maybe in her mid-thirties and she’s clawing at her restraint, screaming the same thing again and again. What is she saying? Over the metal grinding, the wind roaring, and my heart hammering, I can’t make it out.
Her hands are frantic, her screams are visceral, and I finally see why.
Her restraint is failing. It’s lifting inch by inch in jerking motions while she claws at it to stay as much as she’s able to.
We’re completely upside down and her restraint is failing and the only thing keeping her in that seat is getting looser with every second.
“Knox,” I manage to choke out, but I don’t know if he hears me because the metal is still making this piercing squeal like the whole structure is being torn apart from the inside.
“I see it,” he says against my ear. He sounds like he’s forcing words through a closed throat. “Sawyer, don’t look.”
But I can’t stop looking. As much as I want to, I can’t tear my eyes away from row one as the track holding them starts to bow.
It’s so slow, or maybe that’s just my mind in some kind of terrible coping mechanism.
It warps like it’s melting. Jesus Christ, this is not good. This isn’t normal. This is—
The train starts to drop.
All at once, the two rows ahead of us disconnect and seem to slide along the warped metal.
The woman’s restraint releases completely.
It pops up and away from her chest, and she’s grabbing for anything…
the sides of the car, the person next to her, empty air, and I can see their faces, every single one of them, their mouths open in screams I can hear with complete clarity.
It’s three seconds. Maybe four. But the way they slide along that failing track feels like forever.
Sparks fly where metal scrapes against metal, and some of them are being thrown from their seats as more restraints give way.
Bodies tumble through the air, and then the connection breaks completely and their part of the train is just... gone.
Falling.
I watch hands reach for nothing but air. Eyes wide in fear, mouths gaping. Pieces of track tumble past them, one of them knocking into a man mid-air.
My brain can’t process this. No. This isn’t happening. People aren’t supposed to fall from roller coasters. No. No. No.
I close my eyes again, not wanting to see them hit the ground. I can’t. Those people…they’re just gone.
There’s wailing coming from below now. From all the people who just watched unimaginable death.
“Oh God. Oh God, oh God, oh God—” Someone behind us repeats, over and over like a prayer.
Our section of train wrenches violently again and I’m slammed forward against the restraint hard enough that the air punches out of my lungs. The padded bar digs into my shoulders and chest with so much force, I think it might break something. This is it. We’re about to die. We’re next.
But then there’s another massive grinding sound and we lurch to a stop so abruptly, the contents of my stomach threaten to come out.
I can’t breathe. It’s crushing my shoulders and collarbone, pressing down with so much force I genuinely think something cracked, and I’m trying to pull in air but nothing’s working. My lungs won’t expand.
I don’t want to die.
“Breathe,” Knox is saying somewhere to my left. His hand is still gripping mine—when did that happen? Did we ever let go? And he’s squeezing so hard my fingers are going numb. “Sawyer, breathe. You have to breathe.”
I try but the breath is more like a gulp. It doesn’t reach my chest but reminds me that I’m still alive.
Some of the white spots clear away and I see that we’re not fully upside down anymore but we’re not right side up either. We’re hanging at an angle. How is this happening? Why isn’t anyone coming to help?
I’m looking straight down but Knox grabs my chin. “Don’t. Don’t look down.”
But I already am. I can’t help it. My eyes pull down despite his grip on my face, and I can see the gap ahead. The place where the track used to be is nothing but warped metal.
And the bodies. My vision is fuzzy but I know what’s there in the wreckage.
We’ll be next.
“Sawyer.” Knox says again, more urgent. “Look at me. Not down there, at me.”
I drag my eyes to his face and he looks…Oh God, he looks terrified. His skin is pale and there’s blood running down his temple and into his eyes from a cut somewhere on his head, and his jaw is clenched so tight I can see the muscle jumping beneath his skin.
“Are you hurt?” he asks. “Tell me if you’re hurt.”
Am I? I don’t know. Yes…no. The restraint is crushing and there’s pins and needles creeping into my arms, and everything is sore, but we’re still here. Even if whatever is keeping us holding on might give way at any second.
“I don’t…” I manage. “I don’t know.”
Someone is crying again, loud gasping cries that bring me back to the present. Beyond that, a low moan comes through. I know it immediately.
Owen.
Realization hits me like a punch to the gut and I try to twist around in my seat. I need to see him, but the restraint won’t let me move more than an inch and Knox’s grip on my hand tightens to the point of pain.