Chapter 26
TWENTY-SIX
COLTEN
Look, I know Lexi said she wanted to take things slow. And I always want whatever she wants, as long as it’s in her best interest safety-wise.
But seeing her standing in the middle of my bathroom wearing lace that hid nothing from me, looking so damn sleep-rumpled and adorable.
I couldn’t help myself.
I needed to know what she tasted like. And then when she gave so easily, without hesitation, I lost control just as much as she did.
Her hands press to my chest and push lightly.
No part of me wants this moment to end, because she’s going to have questions I’m not sure how to answer.
I step back despite the voice in the back of my head that begs me not to, and Lexi slips off the edge of the counter without a word.
Anxiety clings in my chest, a familiar thought that I’ll never be good enough for a woman like her making my stomach churn uncomfortably.
“Wildcat?” My voice comes out more uncertain than I would like, but the idea of losing her when she’s finally mine is something I can’t live with.
“I think I just need a minute,” she replies, her voice flat and devoid of her usual sass.
“Don’t run,” I plead.
“Like you’d let me.”
I chuckle, but the sound lacks humor. “You’re right about that.
” I move before I can think better of it, wrapping my arms around her and tugging her body back against mine.
“You’re mine, Wildcat. My perfect match.
Don’t think just because you’ve pushed everyone else away that I’m going to let you get away with the same shit. ”
I hold her for another beat, reveling in how right she feels, how perfectly she seems to fit, before releasing her and leaving the room.
I close the door behind me, even as my chest tightens at the distance it adds, and drop to the edge of the bed. My elbows fall to my knees and my head into my hands.
How am I supposed to tell her that not only have I known about her Fan Faves account since the day she created it, but also that I’ve been her most loyal subscriber since that day?
I can’t sit here and wallow while I wait for her. I need to keep busy.
I shuck my ruined underwear and tug sweatpants up my legs, not bothering with boxers. It will be a few hours before I have to leave to collect Lexi’s gift, a courting present if you will, so there’s no reason to get dressed.
Once I’ve collected my phone and the burner we keep in case of an emergency, I move into the kitchen.
Breakfast.
I can’t believe I didn’t think to feed Lexi before she fell asleep, but she was too beat to eat even if I had thought of it.
She must be starving.
I move around the kitchen with ease, whisking eggs and preparing the bacon to go into the pan once it’s heated. Cooking is methodical. It makes sense even when the rest of the world doesn’t, and that’s why I started learning the second I got out from under my father’s thumb.
It’s the thing that allows me to switch off, to enjoy the process and the result, even while the world burns around me.
It’s not something I’ve ever shared with anyone, but there’s a part of me that’s thrilled I can care for Lexi like this.
I can provide for her in a way that isn’t just safety.
I get lost in the familiar steps. Making the perfect scrambled eggs, frying the bacon until it has the perfect crunch, and toasting the bread to just the right shade of brown.
Which is how I miss Lexi until she’s perched on a stool at the counter.
Her body is swamped in a sweat suit that appears to be multiple sizes too big for her, and I can’t help but smirk at that. It’s her armor. A way to protect herself while she gets the answers she wants so badly.
“How long have you known about my Fan Faves account?”
“Since you made it,” I reply, keeping myself busy with making a fruit salad, sans watermelon because Lexi can’t stand the stuff.
She’s quiet for a moment, but I give her the time she needs to find her next question.
“And you subscribe?”
“Since day one,” I confirm.
She sucks in a breath, and I grasp the edge of the counter to stop myself from going to her.
How is it possible to hate her pain more than my own? Just the idea of Lexi hurting makes my chest ache painfully.
“Have we interacted?”
“Most days.”
I can’t help myself now. I need to see her. I need to make sure she’s okay, but when I turn, I see betrayal shining in her eyes. The hurt that I lied to her, that I took on a false persona, that every conversation we had in confidence was under false pretenses to her.
“You’re CJP?”
I nod my confirmation.
Tears well in her eyes. She opens her mouth to say something but snaps it shut again as her mind wanders to all the conversations we’ve had, all the parts of herself she’s shown me, both her body and her mind.
“Were you ever going to tell me?” Her voice breaks. “Or were you content playing the nice guy online while pushing me away in person?”
The words hit exactly where she intends, and they hurt. I’m no stranger to harsh words, having heard them my entire life from the people who should have loved me unconditionally, but there’s something about hearing them from my sweet Lexi that takes my breath away.
“Lexi—”
“No.” She holds a hand up, her eyes filling with tears. “You don’t get to justify this. This is fucked up, Colten. So fucked up.” She slips off the edge of the stool, and a bolt of panic shoots through me like lightning.
I’m going to lose her.
She’s going to leave.
I can’t let that happen.
My feet are carrying me toward her before I can think to stop myself. She needs time to process everything that has happened in the last twenty-four hours, but I don’t know if I can give it to her.
Lexi turns on her heel, stopping me in my tracks just a few feet from where she’s standing. “Don’t follow me, Colten. I need some time. You owe me that much.”
“No,” I reply easily. “I’ve given fifteen years of time. I don’t have any more strength to stay away, Wildcat.”
Her eyes flash with surprise, but to her credit, her glare never slips. She’s going to make me work for it, and I’m going to do it willingly if it means she’s finally mine.
“Tell me why,” she murmurs. “Tell me why you never told me. Tell me why you pushed me away instead of making a move if you were so infatuated with me. Tell me…something, anything,” she shouts, her chest heaving as the words tumble from her.
I take a step closer, desperate to comfort her, even when I’m the source of her distress. “Because I’m not good enough for you, Lexi. I’ve never been good enough. You’re this bright shining light, and I’m a bastard no one wanted. You deserve the world, not someone that no one ever loved.”
For a moment I think she’s going to come to me, the conflict in her eyes as strong as that in my chest, but she shakes her head as the tears she’s been trying to keep at bay finally fall against her cheeks.
“I can’t do this right now.”
Before I have a chance to so much as reach for her, she disappears into the bedroom, and the lock on the other side of the door engages with a defined click.
She’s been mine for less than a day, and I’ve already fucked it up.
But if Lexi thinks I’m going to give her up without a fight, she has another thing coming.