T W E L E V E
My ears ring with the frustration exploding in my veins.
My eyes water but no tears fall.
Damn him.
Goddammit.
My hands beat against my steering wheel.
Why can’t he just let me in?!
My throat burns with the words I refuse to let myself scream.
My blurry vision barely sees the clock blink with the time. It’s almost two in the morning. I have to be on shift at seven. I knock my head back and rock till I compose myself.
The hardest part isn’t that he doesn’t trust me, it’s that he is being physically harmed. It’s the fear that it might not just be stitches next time. The idea of Charlie not breathing air, him not laughing, guts me. It rips me in two. It’s inevitable that people come and go, but I don’t think I can live in a world that doesn’t have Charlie. Even if he’s not my best friend, I need to know he’s out there, living, smiling… safe.
I pull my phone from my pocket and send off a text before I think about it too much. She won’t respond till morning and by then maybe I’ll have cooled off.
My feet feel like tons as I walk up the stairs to my apartment. Slumping against the door once I’m inside. My purse and kit fall to the floor and I do nothing but slightly kick them toward the fridge, so I don’t trip on them in the morning. I move on autopilot, stripping my clothes and turning on the shower as hot as it will go. All my nerves are frozen over, not from the cold but the devastation and rage.
I wrap my arms around my body as the water runs over my hair and down my limbs. As I shut my eyes, the first night we saw each other again rears itself to the forefront. I didn’t realize it at the time, but he took my breath away. The sight of him, so beautiful and warm. A crooked grin on his scared lip. The lips I had stared at for far too long. I might have even imagined what it would have been like if they touched mine. How his eyes wrapped me in an invisible hug every time they landed on me. How he chatted with Kai but never let me slip into the background, planting me in the center of the conversation. I was locking down before I saw him. I was retreating in a way that if not for that life-altering moment, I think I would have truly eclipsed into a hermit.
Charlie made me feel seen.
Made me feel more than Kai’s sister.
More than a kink.
More than a nice pair of tits and almond-shaped eyes.
He saw me for who I am. He so easily could be the biggest dick in the world because his own looks could afford it. He chooses me to spend his time with. Partly, that makes me feel lucky, but how much do I really know about Charlie?
I know he likes cheese pizza. I know his sense of humor. I know how he got his scar. I know he likes flannels. I know he is confident in his sexuality. I know how he makes me feel.
But I don’t even know his middle name, for Christ’s sake. Charlie is like a book with a flower on the cover with a murder inside. If only he’d let me read the pages. He’s written in invisible ink and won’t give up the light .
I’ve spent so much time soaking up how Charlie made me feel good about myself that I didn’t take the time to realize something terribly wrong is going on beneath the surface.
I hate myself for it.
My selfishness.
If I wasn’t so needy for someone to wade me back to the shore, I would have seen it sooner. I would have noticed, wouldn’t I?
My legs crumble, and I slide to the bottom of the tub, the tears breaking free.
Had I made Charlie feel like he had to be the light in my storm?
That he had to be strong because I couldn’t?
Had he shut himself away with me?
I could hear it.
The knocking at my door.
I prayed it would go away as I reached for the handle, shutting off the water. The knocks only became softer and the whisper of his voice. I shouldn’t answer it. We’ll just fight the same fight.
Him asking me to not be mad.
Me continuing to be mad anyway.
“Banks, please,” he grunts through the door as I pull my robe on.
But I do a lot of things I shouldn’t.
Like eat cupcakes four days a week.
I pull the chain and take a long exhale before I open the door .
His hand pressed against the door frame, his head hung, just his eyes lifting to see me. He wore one of his flannels, roughly buttoned, and a pair of sweats.
“Go home, Charlie,” I find my voice, though it's rocky.
He rights himself. “No.”
He shakes his head, stepping forward pushing us into the apartment, and shutting the door behind him.
My arms hung at my sides like logs, my hair dipping on to the floor.
“I know I owe you an explanation,” he murmurs, looking at the ground. “I know I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t—”
His hands fist as he glances at me through his dark eyelashes, his teeth grinding against each other.
I could have blinked, and I would have missed it.
Fingers.
Pressed against my cheekbones.
Stroking my skin as his mouth devoured mine.
A whimper sings in my throat as he nearly knocks me over with his force.
He’s kissing me.
Charlie’s.
Kissing.
Me.
I can’t move, I can only feel his lips on mine. Messily, manically consuming me.
My chest rose as he pulled back, his now dark eyes inches from mine.
“What are you doing?” I cough.
“Do you want me to stop?” he whispers.
His fingers swept down my neck, along the fabric of my robe. Kissing my collarbones and daring to dip further .
“Charlie…”
“Do you want me to stop?” He bows again, his breath hitting my cheeks.
My eyes shut.
“No.”
The single word left my lips like a nail in a coffin as he breathed against my mouth before taking it once more.
My arms regained their mobility as I wrapped them around his neck, giving in. I’m so mad at him, but I want him.
I want every ounce of Charlie.
I want any bit of him that he will give me.
My want for him hits me like a wave that’s been bubbling up for months, and even I can’t stop it now that it's shimmered over.
His tongue massages mine in a kiss that I never thought to be possible. I roared into this kiss, every cell in my body lighting on fire. His fingers did slip further down, inching the fabric apart till he reached just above my belly button where the tie loosely hung on.
Our kiss broke and his hungry eyes lowered. The curve of my breasts between us as my sternum displayed to him. His finger hooked on the tie, while another circled the soft skin above it.
My lips part as I inhale, nervous but excited.
“Can I take this off?”
I swallow, my heart thrashing in my chest as I slowly nod.
He’s slow, pulling the strings apart painfully deliberate. His eyes locked with mine as the robe hung open, and he slid it off my shoulders, pooling around my feet .
My nipples puckered at the cool air and I fought the urge to cover myself. I’m not a small girl. My body has curves and when I sit, I have an extra roll. I am not a model by any means. My eyes shut when his left mine. I couldn’t see his face when he looked at me for fear of it being one of disgust. His hands slipped down my arms, leisurely as I heard him suck in a lungful.
Eventually, his fingers wrapped around mine.
“Banks.”
His raspy voice causes me to shiver.
“Open your eyes.”
I do after a moment.
After a breath.
After I’ve prepared myself.
His face is intense as he rubs my palms with his thumb. “You are perfect.” He stares at me so raptly. “Every inch of you. Don’t ever shudder away from me like that again.”
Had I?
I thought I’d stayed perfectly still, but alas I had as my robe now sat at his feet.
“You’re perfect,” he says again, pressing his lips to mine. “Perfect.”
“No one's perfect.”
“You are.” He creases the side of my mouth. “You’re perfect to me.”
I pull my hands from his and touch the buttons of his flannel. I peer up at him and he nods. I undo them, one by one, reaching up and helping him shrug off the fabric that joins my robe on the floor. Eye level with the bruises across his ribs, I press my face against him, placing light kisses against his skin. If only a kiss could make it better .
I feel him then, his hard length butting against my stomach through his sweats. My hips move on their own, pressing a little harder into him causing a groan to leave Charlie’s lips. He cups my jaw, forcing me to look up as he captures my lips again, open-mouthed and teethy. My hand clutching his waist, just below the bruise, my naked body flush with his.
Nothing could describe his kisses; they are so uniquely him and overpower all my senses.
Charlie walks us till the back of my knees hit my bed. I slip my hand under his sweats, finding him bare underneath, running my nails over the apex of his firm ass. I hadn’t expected him to be so muscular but of course he would be.
“Do you want me to take them off?” he says into my mouth.
I graze his bottom lip with my teeth in a nod.
He reaches between us and I sit back on the bed. He got to see me on display, it was my turn.
He pushes his sweats down his legs, yanking them off his feet then standing before me. Somehow, I understood what he meant.
Perfect to me.
Charlie’s trim body is perfect to me. Not too thin, not too muscular. His shoulders rounded, his hips thick with the lines to show for it. His long lean legs that his thick cock protruded from. I’d seen my fair share of porn after being constantly compared. I had to know what I was up against if I ever let a man that close to me. Charlie had the most perfect one I’d ever seen. Pink, veined, and most importantly—desiring me.
He kneels in front of me .
“Are you okay?”
I nod, reaching for him. My nails dig into his neck as he lifts my hips, scooting me farther onto the bed. He holds himself up with one palm beside my head as my legs wrap around him.
“Is this okay?” he asks again as his other palm slips over my breast, grazing my perked nipples.
“Just touch me,” I groan.
He chuckles a little, kissing me again as he fully cups my breasts, rubbing it with his fingers. I arch into his touch. His lips left mine, kissing a trail down my neck, licking my collarbone before taking my other breast in his mouth. He worked them both differently though either had me crying out. My center throbbed harder with every soak or nibble of his mouth.
“Oh God, ” I whimper.
His other hand that I nearly forgot about suddenly found its way between my legs.
“Charlie,” I lurch forward, balling my hands in his hair, careful of his bandage. His fingers slide down my sex, coating themselves before beginning to circle my clit.
Fucking overachiever.
His tongue left my breast, nipping at my neck as I squirm under him.
“So sensitive,” he mumbles into my skin as I start to see stars, my orgasm rocking through me as I cry out.
“Fuck, Banks.”
My eyes slam shut as his fingers leave my center, and he continues to kiss my neck. I open them when I feel like I can breathe again, pulling his face to mine.
“Is it always like that?” I say between pecks .
“What?”
“That. With someone else. It was so intense.”
Charlie tilts his head a little. “Have you never…”
I shake my head, and he covers the beginning of a smirk with a kiss. “Not with someone else, at least.”
“No, Banks,” he breathes. “It’s not always like that.”
“Is that okay?”
“That you’re a virgin?”
I nod.
“We don’t have to have sex, Banks.” He rubs his nose against my cheek. “I just want to feel you. Be with you.”
“So be with me.”
Our eyes find each other, a silent conversation happening.
“I don’t have a condom,” he finally exhales.
“There’s a box in my bathroom.” I kiss his cheek, and he has a glint in his eye. “Perry,” I murmur. “She sent them for my birthday.”
He scoffs, knowing Perry, giving me one last peck before he climbs off the bed. I right myself as he goes, pulling back the duvet and pressing my back against the pillows. When my bare skin hits the lion, I giggle to myself, putting him on the floor.
Charlie returns and he has foil between his teeth.
“Can I?” I reach for him. “I am a nurse after all,” I say when he lifts a brow.
He smirks and then stands right at my side, handing me the condom. I set the foil on my nightstand and lean as if I need a better look but really, I kiss the tip of him then slide it on. A growl rests in his throat as I do. Any nerves I once had have disappeared with that mind-blowing orgasm as he settles between my thighs, kissing me like he might die if he doesn’t.
Words evaporate when he reaches between us, aligning himself with me. Our eyes connected as he gently pushed forward, nudging inside. My instincts are to tense but I don’t, I do my best to breathe through it. I get lost in his blue eyes as he continues slowly but not too slow. My internal walls protest with every bit, it feels like an eternity till he is seated and his pelvic bone hits mine. A fire rages inside me, both of equal pain and desire. He rocks slowly, not pulling completely out just helping my body adjust.
My teeth dig into my lips as he touches my cheek. His other hand slips under my hip, titling them, so he slides in a bit easier. His eyes fell heavy as soft breathy moans filled the silence. Not that I would know the difference, but the care of his touch felt like Charlie was making love to me. He isn’t fucking me. The veins in his neck tensed as he fought the urge to go faster, harder.
I pull him down to me, letting our noises flow from one mouth to the other, vibrating in our souls. He fit me so completely. His body starts to tense when he reached between us, touching his dick as he moved inside me, wetting them before rubbing his fingers over my clit again. I could feel another orgasm building and building, but as good as it feels I still ache from the intrusion.
“Don’t wait,” I tell him, feeling Charlie strain as he continues to put off his own release.
“I want this to be good for you,” he grunts across my lips.
I kiss him tenderly. “It’s so good, so so good,” I moan. “Let go for me, Charlie. ”
With that assurance, his face fell into the curve of my neck as he groaned against my skin, a noise alone that might make me come.
I shut my eyes, hugging him to me, our chests hitting one another as our heaving settled.
After a moment, he presses his lips over mine in a raw sort of way. Everything had been stripped away as he poured every emotion into it. Maybe it was post-sex high, but to me, it felt otherworldly.
When Charlie pulls out of me, an emptiness that I never experienced takes over. He stands and walks to the bathroom. I curl to my side when he comes back. I heard him turn the sink on, but I assumed it was to wash his hands. Inside, he kneels beside me, gently pushing my thighs apart, revealing my sex where he presses a warm cloth.
He cleans me before guiding me out of bed.
“Use the bathroom,” he murmurs into a kiss.
I let out a dazed laugh. “Saving me from a UTI?”
He smirks, giving me one last peck before gently patting my ass as I turned.
I take the cloth from him and shut myself in the bathroom. It burns as I pee, but it’s a satisfying burn. I welcome it. A stigma I’d carried with me since high school had been stripped. I’m no longer a virgin and I gave it to someone who I know cares about me. Wherever tonight leaves Charlie and I, I would have no regrets.
I combed through my damp hair before I left the bathroom. Charlie lies in the sheets with the lion sitting on his chest as if he’s talking to it.
“What are you doing?”
He sheepishly looks at me as I slide under the sheet beside him. He uses the paw and bops me in the nose. “Lions are the symbol of strength,” he murmurs. “In tarot, they represent Leo which is ruled by the sun. Of light and power.”
“Is that why you got a lion?” I whisper, exhaustion overwhelming me as well. Charlie rolls, setting the lion on the floor then pulling me toward him, entwining our legs.
“I want to be strong,” he husks. “I want to be full of light and warmth.”
My eyelids fall as I cuddle into his chest.
I feel the pad of his finger, tracing the bridge of my nose once more.
“You are,” I breathe, placing my hand on his cheek as sleep overtakes me.