T H R I T E E N
My alarm buzzing against the counter woke me. A fresh layer of snow blanketed the windows as I slipped from the bed, forgetting I am completely naked as I rushed to turn it off. Once silenced, I glance over at my bed where he lies.
My duvet pulled up to his breastbone as his face sat to the side, facing me. I had been tucked into him until the alarm woke me. Charlie’s a heavy sleeper, always has been.
I shiver at the cool air of my apartment, wanting to cuddle back into the warmth of his side. My body aches with memories of just a few hours ago. I lived it, and I’m not sure how we ended up here. The anger that boiled in my blood still clung there but what I experienced with him felt like the most organic thing in the world. And maybe it is.
We were created to love, weren’t we?
Leaving my apartment would mean the end of the bubble of what happened here. The moment I step back into the real world, everything would collapse on top of me. Questions that I’m not sure I am even ready to ask yet, must be answered.
All I really want to do is climb back in my bed, rouse Charlie, and demand he make love to me again. I want to cling to this moment and live in it forever.
The longer I stood there watching him, I knew in my bones I’d found my made-up man. I found the man I’d compare all others to and the one I’d always desire. Becoming friends allowed him to glue himself to the walls of my life, making it impossible for me to toss him aside as I had with nearly all other men. I would never be rid of Charlie, even if our lives split us apart, he had tattooed himself into my soul. He bandaged the broken parts of me. And I craved the chance to bandage his.
My phone that I desperately need to plug in buzzes again. It’s a text from Hattie. She’s calling in sick which meant, I most definitely couldn’t.
I take one last glance at Charlie as I silence my phone and plug it in before starting a pot of coffee and getting in the shower. I just needed one long enough to wake me. I twisted my hair up and was in and out. I stared at myself in the mirror as I brushed my teeth, my eyes widening as I leaned forward.
I had the start of a hickey.
He gave me a fucking hickey like we’re teenagers. My sore core throbs at the sight of it, but my brain wants to ring his neck.
During my prep talk in the shower, I decided I wouldn’t make any decisions today. I would avoid Ryan until I knew where Charlie and I stood. I needed to know what last night meant to him. I’ll admit we both got caught up in the moment. Neither us of thinking rationally.
That’s one of the many questions I have to ask, another being if I could be with someone who is keeping secrets from me. Sex won't make our argument go away, if anything it complicates it further. As his friend, I didn’t have the right to anything he didn’t want to give me. As his partner, I would need it all.
I move quietly through my apartment, putting a navy turtleneck under my light blue scrubs. I poured my coffee into a to-go cup and grabbed my purse off the floor. I tucked my kit back under the sink and made a mental note to replenish it. I reached for my jacket when I heard Charlie roll. His body turned, reaching out to where I had been. I move to the side of it, kneeling as I brush a few dark curls out of his face. I pressed a kiss to his temple as if this was the last time I’d see him like this.
And then I left.
On my third cup of coffee, I had successfully avoided any run-ins with Ryan.
Guilt had settled in my stomach and I couldn’t shake it. We’d been on three dates, it’s hardly calling for a ring on my finger but still, the shame haunts me. I shouldn’t have let Charlie kiss me let alone anything else, if I truly wanted to give Ryan a shot.
I like Ryan.
He’s simple and kind.
I just fear that’s all.
I didn’t realize how lackluster every kiss I’d ever had, had been till last night. They had been nice, but nothing of note.
Kissing Charlie felt like a morphine drip.
A high that I itched to keep pushing the button on.
“You mind?”
I glance up from my dry turkey sandwich to see Stacey, of all people asking to sit with me.
“Uh… no.” I reach for my coffee cup, silently whimpering because I realize it 's empty.
She has a Cobb salad and a kombucha in her hands. Her light hair was braided into two little buns at the nape of her neck, and she wore a pink sparkly lanyard with her badges.
“Banks, right?” she says, appearing with a neutral expression.
“Yeah,” I nod. “Stacey…”
“Yeah.” She opens her salad lid. “I think we got off on the wrong foot.”
“We’ve never spoken before?”
“Exactly,” she murmurs.
I tick a tired brow at her.
“So…” She pokes her fork around the greens. “You’re seeing Dr. Stevens.”
I lean back in my chair.
“Relax.” She watches me. “I’m not trying to steal your man.”
I stay quiet.
“I just…” she huffs, her shoulders rolling. “I think he’s gotten the wrong impression of me and I really want to work with him instead of Dr. Kelper. He’s a much better doc and I want my patients to have the best care possible here.”
I study Stacey’s face. It’s harsh but a sliver of vulnerability peers behind her eyes.
Had I pegged Stacey all wrong?
Was she a softy buried under that blonde and intimidation?
“You’re hoping I can convince him to put you on his service?”
“Sort of.”
I stare again .
“Look,” she sighs. “Of course, I think he’s attractive but I’m not a sore loser. If he chose you then that’s that. I was just a bit surprised is all. I thought you were dating that other guy.”
“What guy?”
“The one who brings you cupcakes,” she utters as if it’s obvious, and I suppose she’s right.
“Oh, he’s just…” My words crash and burn because I don’t know what Charlie is now.
“Anyway.” Stacey doesn’t notice. “I’ll do whatever if you’ll help me. Take an extra shift or something.”
“We work in different departments.”
“There’s nothing you do that I can’t.”
Ouch.
Her only defense is that she’s been doing this longer than I have. Stacey is probably closer to Ryan’s age, she’s not a newbie anymore.
“We keep personal and business separate,” I tell her. “If the occasion should arise I’ll ask him to give you another chance. If he does, it’s up to him.”
I had nothing more to offer Stacey, not when I didn’t even know if Ryan would care about my opinion for much longer.
She exhales reluctantly. “That’s fair.”
We finished lunch in a slightly odd silence, but I gathered that perhaps I had been wrong about Stacey.
I checked on my patients one more time before I decided to try and get a nap in. I had just grabbed the handle of an on-call room when I heard him.
“Banks. ”
He strides toward me with a little brown bag, and he had taken off the bandage on his face. His hair covered most of it.
“Hi,” I breathe, unsure what to do.
He looks at me with a similar feeling in his eyes. “Can we talk for a sec?”
I glance around the halls, they are pretty empty, so I nod, letting him into the on-call room with me. I barely had the door shut before he backed me against it, taking my mouth with his. My hands found his hair almost immediately as I couldn’t stop myself from soaking him up, daring to live in the bliss of this morning for just a moment longer.
“I wanted to wake up next to you,” he murmurs against my lips when we pull apart for air.
“I didn’t have a choice.”
“I know.” He gives me a peck. “But I brought you this anyway.” He holds up the bag.
“Is that a ‘thanks for your virginity’ cupcake?”
His eyes widen. “What? No. ”
I snicker. “I’m kidding.”
He snarkily rolls his eyes at me.
“Can I have it?” I reach for it, but he yanks it away from my grasp with his ridiculous wingspan.
“That depends,” he lowers his voice, and a look I now recognize flashes over his brows. “How long can you be in here?”
I tilt my chin up. “Long enough for a nap.”
“Perfect,” he breathes, taking my mouth again.
The alarms are ringing in my ears to stop, that it’s inappropriate, that I could be fired, but I already locked the door and my body has a mind of its own .
We discard our clothes in a haze of blue and flannel.
“Shit,” he raps after rolling on a condom and leaning down to kiss my cheek, seeing the hickey my turtleneck hid.
“I’ll scold you for it after.” I dig my nails into his back. “Hurry up before we get caught.”
He kisses me. “I want to take my time later,” he promises and pushes inside me.
It burns but not as badly as last night. It’s quickly replaced with only pleasure as I adjust to him much quicker and his fingers work my clit as we bite back moans.
“Fuck.”
“Shh,” I groan, covering his mouth with mine. “Harder,” I gasp.
He listens, sinking into me with more force, us both covering each other’s mouths as neither of us can seem to be mute. As his fingers work me and I take him inside, I ride a wave all the way over the edge much quicker than I thought possible, biting down on his fingers as my eyes snap shut.
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Charlie grunts into the flank of my neck as my insides squeeze down around him, coaxing his own release from him. “That was so hot, Banks.”
I see spots when I finally open my eyes, listening to Charlie’s rough pants in my ear.
“So much for me getting a nap,” I quip, and he laughs.
“How about a cupcake?” he bargains, sitting up to glance down at me.
I scrunch my nose at him.
He got up and grabbed the brown bag, producing my favorite dreamsicle cupcake as I used his flannel as a drape over myself.
He offers it to me as he pulls his jeans on .
I run my finger across the frosting, bringing it to my lips.
“Give me some,” he murmurs, leaning against me.
I shake my head. “It’s my cupcake.”
Charlie’s brows rise as he slowly lowers his mouth and takes a bite.
“You’re a shit.” I yank it away.
He doesn’t disagree. “When are you off?”
“Seven.”
“Come over.”
I swallow the bite I had taken myself, staring at him. “We have to talk about this,” I sigh.
He nods. “I know.”
“That doesn’t scare you?” I gape, noting his calm expression.
“Should it?”
I groan, handing him his flannel as I reach for my scrubs.
“Are you scared?” he murmurs as I dress.
“A little,” I confess, frantically.
“Hey.” He grabs my hand, demanding I look at him. His light eyes soften with a half grin on his lips. “It’s the same it’s always been, Banks. Nothing has to change between us.”
I sneer.
“Alright, something's are different,” he smirks. “But I don’t mind if you don’t.”
I exhale. “Look… let’s talk about it later. We shouldn’t… we shouldn’t rush into something.”
He slips his flannel over his arms. “It’s been a long time coming, Banks. I don’t think we’ve rushed anything.”
“You know what I mean. ”
“I meant what I said, nothing has to change.” He presses his finger under my chin. “I’m not going anywhere, no matter what you decide.”
“What we decide.”
“I know what I want, Banks.”
His eyes narrow.
That confession knocks the wind out of me.
“We’ll talk about it later,” he echoes, letting his hand fall from my chin to my neck. “Sorry.”
“Are you?”
He grins. “No.”
I roll my eyes and finish collecting myself, twisting my ratty hair back into a clip. He tugs me into his arms one more time, giving me a soft peck.
“Come over when you get home.”
“Okay,” I nod.
“Okay.”
He seals it with another peck.
As luck would have it, sneaking him out was as easy as sneaking him in. I busied myself with work because if I didn’t my mind would dance away from me into a territory I’m not ready for.
My phone finally buzzed around five with a response from Perry.
Perry: I AM SO SORRY! I meant to reply sooner. What’s going on?
Me: A lot. More than I can explain in text.
Perry: Is he ok?
Me: I’d say so.
Perry: Take a break and call me.
Me: Can’t. I’ll call when I’m off.
I then slid my phone into my pocket and forced myself to work. I shouldn’t have let the events in the on-call room happen, not just because it’s my workplace, but I need to get my head on straight. And I can’t do that if Charlie’s inside me. I can’t think about anything other than feeling him over and over for as long as humanly possible. Even if we did complete a Grey’s Anatomy fantasy of mine. My hormones are raging as if he unlocked some beast I didn’t realize I had inside me. I have enough self-awareness to know that I enjoy sex. I read soft core porn half the time, but I didn’t realize just how much I would desire it once I started having it.
“Hey, you.”
I nearly jump out of my skin.
“Woah,” he chuckles, touching my back as I slump into the desk. A humorous slope on his lips. “You’re so jumpy.”
My stomach curdles as I blush.
“I haven’t seen much of you today.”
“Yeah,” I swallow. “I’ve just been busy is all.”
He nods, understandingly. “Stressed?”
I shrug. “I’m alright,” I murmur. “Tired maybe.”
Ryan snorts. “I definitely feel that. I didn’t get to sleep till after one last night.”
I’m not sure what to say, twiddling my fingers like a babbling tween.
“It was worth it though,” he softly winks. “Maybe we should wait for our next days off for another movie.”
“Sure…”
“I won’t keep you,” he says. “I see you’re busy.” He nods at my charts. “Give me a call later?”
“I’m going to crash once I’m off,” I tell him. “Tomorrow? ”
“Of course.”
Ryan winks at me once more before he leaves.
A heavy sigh falls from my lips.
What the hell am I doing?
Not too long ago, I couldn’t get a single guy to express real interest in me, and now I have to figure out a way to deal with two?
I finish my charting and even reorganize a supply cart before I can clock off.
I stand at my locker when I hear whispers on the other side.
“…her?”
“I know,” another mutters. “I was just as surprised but Stacey confirmed it.”
“She’s not even that pretty and her hips are the size of a double wide.”
I shut my eyes, utterly defeated. It seems high school semantics never end.
“He probably just wants to fuck her.”
“I had a boyfriend in college who liked Asian girls,” the other adds. “I guess they really get in there.”
“Get in there?”
“Yeah, like you know when you get a pedicure, they really scrub your heels? It’s like that but with blowjobs.”
I blink to myself in utter shock.
How much prejudice could they manage to squeeze into this one conversation?
“I don’t want to be down there any longer than I have to.”
“Me either but I’d get a kink in my neck for Dr. Stevens.”
They giggle like the school girls they’ve never grown out of .
I open my eyes after a deep breath and grab my things, resisting the urge to slam my locker shut. I yank on my coat as I walk around the corner. The two of them caught staring at me with wide eyes.
If I wasn’t a cheating hussy, I might even have said something but instead, I walked past without more than a single glance.
I don’t get to be angry because I am essentially seeing two men at the same time.
Ryan deserves better than that.
As does Charlie.
Those bitchy nurses could say whatever they wanted about my wide hips and my supposed blowjob skills. When it came down to it, I would never be seen as Ryan’s equal at work and there’s no use in fighting that.