N I N E T E E N
The idea that putting myself through nursing school was easier than making a cake from scratch tells me just about all I need to know about my generation. We are helpless without technology. Or at least I am. Unfortunately, baking isn’t as foolproof as cooking. After glancing at my phone for the tenth time as if by some miracle I had enough cell service to make an internet search, I had to just wing it. There’s more flour than sugar, a pinch of baking powder, an egg or two, etc.
After all, how bad could it truly turn out?
I kept mixing things together till I got the consistency of a cake batter. Luckily, it wasn’t more than maybe enough for a few cupcakes, so I found a small dish and shoved it into the oven with a prayer. I ponder what I could do for a frosting. Returning to my search, I find a bottle of unopened maple syrup behind a pasta box. Not exactly the best, but it would be better than nothing. I set the syrup on the counter and checked the timer I set on my phone, an approximation of how long a few cupcakes would take. I should have plenty of time to shove it in the little fridge before Charlie got back.
To pass the remainder of the time, I had a random book in my bag, so I flipped through a series of pages before my phone went off.
Perry: Do you think I should come home?
While it might take thirty minutes to load a search, I had enough to get text messages .
Banks: This is a bit out of the blue.
Perry: Gun to your head, should I have come home?
I stare at her text for a moment. She’s probably having a breakdown and I should tread lightly.
Banks: And leave Dan?
Perry: Yes.
Banks: You love him.
Perry: He’s not good for me.
Banks: Since when are boys ever good for us?
Perry: Charlie’s good.
I smile to myself.
Banks: Do you want to come home?
Perry: I’m scared.
Perry: If I don’t, I’ll probably marry him, and if I marry him, one day…
Perry: One day I’ll wake up and I’ll realize… I’ll hate that I stayed here and I’ll hate that I did it for him. And not for me. That I have done all of this for him and put myself last. Again.
I start to type when another comes through.
Perry: Why does it feel like this? It shouldn’t be this hard for me to love him.
Banks: Maybe you don’t love him.
Perry: Do you ever feel like this with Charlie? Even before? I know you aren’t like ‘together’ but you might as well be.
I chew on my lip, knowing my answer will either give her the relief she needs to cut herself free from Dan, or it will devastate her.
Banks: No.
Banks: Even if I’m piss mad at Charlie, I can’t ever imagine waking up and hating him.
I watch the text bubbles pop up and disappear multiple times. When I think they’ve disappeared for the last time, I type out something else and just before I hit send, she replied.
Perry: It’s time to come home.
My heart sank for her. I know why she texted rather than calling.
Perry’s breaking, her heart is breaking, her resolve is breaking.
Banks: Whatever you decide, I got you.
Banks: Love you, P
She reads it but doesn’t reply. This doesn’t worry me as I know she will when she comes to terms with whatever it is. It’s more than just Dan. Perry’s struggling with whether to get a real job with her degree or not. Perry went to college for the hell of it, her degree isn’t even that much interest to her. Perry has always been this way, living for the sake of it. She’s always in search of her next great adventure and I think the one in Arizona has run its course.
Headlights in the distance signal Charlie’s return. The sun is just beginning to set, painting the globe I am inside in shades of yellow and pink. I set my book on the nightstand, which is really a small shelf coming out of the wall.
We watch each other through the glass, him getting out, me walking toward the door. Mostly I just don’t want him to go anywhere near the fridge, so I reach for the handle, opening it for him. He has a plastic bag in his hand, and a few flakes of snow fell into his hair from just his short jaunt from the truck to the door.
“Thank you,” I smile, taking the bag from him.
He cheekily rolls his eyes, shrugging out of his jacket.
“What did you do while I was gone?” he inquires.
“I read a little.” I pull the hot chocolate from the bag and set it on the counter. “And I talked to Perry.”
“She knows?”
He lifts a brow, taking off his shoes.
“She knew before I did.”
Charlie chuckles.
“I think she might leave Dan.”
“She probably should.”
“Because he’s toxic, right?” I sass, walking past him back toward the bed.
On my heels, he throws himself on the edge of the mattress that I sat down on like a normal human.
Charlie rolls his shoulders.
“She says she’s afraid she’ll wake up in ten years and hate him.”
“You think she’s right?”
I purse my lips. “I don’t really know.”
“You’re not afraid you’ll wake up in ten years and hate me?” Charlie’s eyes are light as if he’s teasing me, but there’s a hint behind it.
I roll to my stomach, lying in front of him. “Is that what you want?” I breathe. “To be together?”
His finger twirls around a strand of my hair. “There’s no one after you.”
“You’ve got it all planned out? ”
He grins. “I want things.” He looks down. “And I want them with you.”
“Lay it on me.” I scrunch my nose at him as his eyes find me again. “It’s your birthday, tell me all your wishes.”
Charlie’s eyes sort of graze over my face for a moment. Doing that thing he does again.
“You make me feel like I can breathe again,” his tone lowers to a whisper. “I want that feeling for the rest of my life. I want oxygen in my lungs, and you in my heart. Just as it should be.”
My own lungs tighten at his confession. “What else?”
“I want a simple life, Banks,” he utters almost as if he’s a bit ashamed. “I don’t need a lot of money and I doubt I’ll ever have it. I just want a family of my own to come home to. To protect till my dying breath.”
I pull myself a little closer, close enough I can rest my head on his chest. I know this has something to do with what happened to Charlie’s family in Germany and as much as I want to ask, I won't. Not today.
I listen to his heartbeat as his voice rumbles through me.
“I don’t want to be angry anymore,” he admits. “I want to be happy. Be happy for you.”
I shut my eyes, inhaling him in.
It’s unhealthy for Charlie to want to change for me, I know that. I also know I don’t want him to change a thing about himself. I will still want him when he’s mad, when he’s upset, when he’s so jumbled, he can’t think straight. I love Charlie completely in the scariest kind of ways. In the way that it terrifies me in a hopeless, you could break me sort of way. In a way, that I’ve been avoiding .
“I remember being just a kid and telling myself that I’d marry you one day,” he exhales. “At the time it was innocent, but I knew. I’ve always known.”
I slowly look at him. “And if we never ran into each other again?”
“I don’t want to think about that.” He palms my cheek.
“So we’ve wasted six months being friends?”
He smirks. “No,” he shakes his head. “You gave all of you because you had the disillusion that you could never interest me sexually. That’s all I ever needed. Just Banks.”
My breathing hitched.
Just Banks.
“It’s unfair,” I tell him. “I’ve been wandering out here in the dark while you knew all along.”
“I took six months but how about I give you forever?”
I stare.
And stare.
His blue eyes are unwavering.
“Damn.” I chew on my cheek, and he squints a little. “You’re a freaking made-up man, Charlie Barnes.” I reach for him, grabbing a tuft of his dark hair. I pull myself till I’m level with him, our faces just inches apart. “But you’re real,” I exhale. “And mine.”
“Best birthday gift.” He leans close. “Ever.” Letting ever land on my lips.
“No snow angels?” I grin.
“Oh, we’re definitely doing snow angels,” he leers, the side of his eye glancing outside seeing dusk slip away into night. The twinkling lights that hung on the wall, lighting the globe.
“Right now? ”
“Right now,” he nods with a devious chortle.
He scoops me up, running out into the snow, tossing our bodies into the thick of it. He lands on his back with me straddling him, our limbs instantly chill at contact.
“Charlie!” I shriek at the cold.
Snow cascades all around as the miles of silence blanket over us.
He pulls me in tight, wrapping his arms around every bit of me he can manage, stuffing my body into the side of his. My gaze rises to the sky as it nearly renders me speechless.
It couldn’t be real.
Diamonds encrusted into plush deep navy velvet. Feathery light clouds, sweep across them, but they burn through, shooting beams of light across every bit of sparkling white snow.
The quiet reminds me just how alone we are.
No jobs.
No people.
No responsibilities.
No past.
No hurt.
Just him and me.
And the stars.
“Is it everything you thought it would be?”
If I were with anyone else, it would be a tragedy to look at anything but the sky right now. Yet, it’s no sacrifice to tear my gaze from its beauty.
“It’s magical.”
Condensation from our breath dances around us.
From this angle, I can see the stars reflecting in Charlie’s eyes. My own night sky. My icy hand touches his cheek, but he doesn’t flinch or pull away, he leans into it as I lie my head against his shoulder. He smiles at me, innocently before his gaze returns to the stars above us. My skin brushed against his, his stubble pricking my fingertips. His face fits so perfectly in my little palms. He appears almost childlike as he so contently watches the sky.
“I love you.”
It’s a whisper in the night.
One neither of us is positive we truly heard.
Charlie inhales as he peers back at me.
“I love you,” I say it again, sweeping my thumb over his cheekbone.
The flash of shock in his light eyes is quickly replaced. He had told me many times before that he loved me without actually saying those three words. I don’t think he ever expected I would be the one to say them first.
“I love you more than the stars, Charlie Barnes.” I hold myself up, pressing my forehead to his. “More than dreamsicle cupcakes. More than any book I’ve ever read.”
His chilly hand touches my face, pushing me back just enough that I could see his eyes.
“You are the stars, Banks,” he whispers. “The light in all the dark. Love is too little of a word for what you mean to me.”
My eyes water and he wipes a stray tear away. “But I love you too—God, Banks.” He grinds his teeth. “I’ve wanted to say that to you for so long.”
“I take six months,” I breathe. “You give me forever?”
“Forever.” He seals it all with a kiss.
Our frozen lips touch but only briefly. He pulls away, and I know the look in his eyes. Drunken with lust and love. I let him yank me to my feet, brushing the snow from one another as he walks me back into the snow globe.
The heat hits our bodies like a wave, but neither of us cares that much to notice. My body is ice-cold, but my insides are burning with the heat of lava. The two feelings are battling it out as Charlie unbuttons his flannel. I watch as it slips down his arms. He isn’t in any hurry, letting the fabric fall as if it were in slow motion.
I swallow, reaching for my own top, pulling it over my head, and discarding it at my feet. His eyelids lay heavily over his iris as he tugged off his socks and unbuttoned his jeans. I push my own down as he waits till I step out of them to turn his back, walking into the bathroom.
The bathroom is unique in more ways than one, but the most important at this moment is everything but the toilet is inside the shower stall; creating one very large walk-in shower. Charlie turns on the facet and soon enough steaming hot water hits the white subway tiles.
His lion’s eyes stalk me as I unclasp my bra.
Eyes of a protector.
Of a king.
Charlie steps out of his remaining clothes before glancing over his shoulder, holding out his palm to me. It hangs there as I slip out of my underwear. When I do take it, tugging on my body, demanding my mouth on his as he walks us into the scorching shower.
His tongue traces mine, wrapping his body around me like a shield. My hands gripping the skin of his back, yanking on him, wanting him closer and closer.
“I love you,” he says as he kisses the edge of my mouth before nipping at my jawbone .
“Charlie,” I moan.
Everything is too much, the sizzle of the water burning my skin.
My heart pounding and pounding, filled with warmth and happiness.
My core throbbing with need, with want and desire.
His mouth attacks my neck as his hands slip over every inch of my upper body. My eyes roll into the back of my head as I feel him everywhere. His thighs on mine. His stomach lightly hit my nipples with little movements. His erection stabbed into my hip bone.
My hands fist his hair, pulling his mouth back to mine. I kiss him harshly, manic even as he slams my back into the wall. His growls and I bite back a grin.
My lion.
I press my palm against his sternum and lower myself, placing a kiss where my hand was. He says nothing as I gaze up at him, seeing the top of the globe behind him. The stars still hung over us. He pushes his wet hair from his eyes as I settle on my knees. In truth, I have no idea what I’m about to do, but I want to do it.
For him.
And for me.
I take him in my hand, and he clenches his teeth. His other palm pushes against the tile as his tall stature leans over me.
In this moment, I want nothing more than to please him, but it’s also about taking back the power that has been hung over me for far too long .
“This is my present to you,” I murmur before I lean forward and wrap my lips around the crown of him, sweeping my tongue over the tip before taking more.
“Fuck.” His voice is throaty and gruff.
He doesn’t move, letting me find my own rhythm. I suspect if I was doing something wrong, he would tell me. I used my hand, stroking the base of him. I do it because I’m partly afraid of potentially throwing up on him if I take more of him. That would surely kill the mood. As soon as I feel like I’ve got the hang of it, he stops me.
“Stop,” he pants. “Banks, please.”
I frown as he grabs my hand, helping me stand. “Did I do it wrong?”
“Fuck no,” he grunts, kissing me with his taste still on my tongue. “I want to be inside you when I come.” He reaches beside me, turning off the water.
He wraps a towel around my shoulders, patting the both of us down before he leaves the towel in a pile on the floor, picking me up, silencing any words with his overwhelming kisses.
My dripping wet hair hits the bed as he lowers us, the moment I am stable, his hand pushes between my thighs.
Whimpers leave my mouth as he pushes two fingers inside me with ease because my arousal is damn near running down my leg.
“Charlie,” I sing. “Please.”
He withdrawals his fingers, but they just rest on my clit, drawing slow circles as he kisses up my chest. His mouth captured one of my breasts, letting his teeth graze my nipple causing me to scream and twitch. My nails dig into his arm, and he lightly chuckles .
I sigh as he finally pulls away, reaching for his backpack. He rips the foil with his teeth and sheathes himself while settling between my thighs. His chest pressed into mine as our breaths synced.
“You ever made love to a girl under the stars?” I ask him, softly.
His thumb touches my bottom lip.
“I’m about to,” he replies, crushing his lips to mine as he thrusts inside me.