T W E N T Y
My body is deliciously wrecked as I force myself to not fall asleep as Charlie had. I lay there for a long while, watching him sleep. The steady rise and fall of his chest, the slight change in tone of his breaths. I had untangled myself from him and slipped on his flannel before I used the bathroom and hung up the towel he had discarded. I then collected our clothes, putting them neatly in a pile rather than thrown all over the place.
Charlie’s flannel loosely clung around my body as I had only bothered to close one of the buttons at my navel. My hands ball in the extra fabric from his long arms as I step to the glass. If not for the snow to reflect the little light there is from the sky, I have no doubt it would be a black hole out there. I don’t usually enjoy winter, the chill of it that seems to take up residency in my bones. I tend to block these months out in the yearning for summer and sun. But this winter, I never want to forget.
I feel like I’m on drugs, the good stuff you gotta be dying to get. Telling Charlie how I felt about him, accepting it myself, bubbles my blood. An emotion I have dreamt of for so long and to actually experience it… is truly overwhelming. I think part of me has loved Charlie for months. I loved him as my best friend and I grew a tree of memories that I want to add branches to for the rest of my life. My brain replays them and I see them through a different lens now. Every bit of Charlie’s actions over the past six months is full of love. He loved me in an instant and like a fool I was too blind to see any of it.
I can see the reflection of him in bed behind me in the glass. He lies on his back, the blanket spread over his chest. I don’t know how I never truly noticed it before but Charlie is so heartening and yet so beautifully broken. Everything in me wants to bandage the broken parts and kiss away the scars. I want to protect Charlie as he’s done for me without me even really noticing.
He turns to his side, sheepishly pressing his face into the pillow with a sigh.
I should let him sleep, but selfishly I want more time.
I want more memories of us here.
I tip-toed into the little kitchen, pulling the small cake from the fridge after retrieving the candles I had hidden. I quietly pull the lighter I’d seen from a drawer and pour a few splashes of maple syrup. I let the syrup soak the cool cake for a little, while I heat some milk for the hot cocoa. I stir and stir till it’s thick and warm. I pour it into two little camping mugs and walk them over to the nightstand.
I then place three of the candles on top of the cake, lighting them. For all I know this will taste like shit, but it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it?
I keep my hand in front of the candles, keeping them from being blown out as I walk around the half-circle. I carefully sit on the edge of the bed, tucking my legs under me as I hold the plate in my palm.
“Charlie,” I whisper.
His body stirs a little.
“Charlie,” I whisper again, moving my hand from the candles and letting their light flicker across his face .
His eyes slowly open, shut, then open again.
“Banks.” He tiredly grins, gently pushing himself upright.
“Make a wish.” I lift the sad excuse of a birthday cake.
An amused glint crosses his brows as he sucks his bottom lip between his teeth. “Is this why you sent me to the store?”
“For that too,” I nod at the two steaming cups on the wall.
He leans in. “Has anyone ever told you, you’re a bit of a sappy romantic?” he jests, but I can tell he loves it.
“Make a wish, Next-Door-Charlie before I make one of my own.”
A little roar leaves his lips as he lowers his face to the candles. He stares at them for a split second before he peers up at me through those stupidly long eyelashes of his. When I’m nearly lost in the blue of them, he shuts them and blows out the candles.
He smirks. “You want to know what I wished for?”
I shake my head. “It can’t come true if you tell me what it is.”
“You don’t know that,” he replies, pressing his finger into the edge of the cake.
“I must warn you,” I utter as he brings the little piece he’d tugged off to his mouth, “…it might not taste the best.”
He keeps a blank face as he slowly chews.
“That bad?” I cringe.
“Try it.”
I bare my teeth.
“Try it,” he says again.
I shake my head as Charlie presses his finger into the spongy substance and dangles a bite at me. “Look… it was more of a candle-thing than an eat-me-thing.”
“Come on,” he raps .
I continue to stall for a minute longer till I have to give. I hesitantly lower my mouth and suck his fingers in between my lips. To start, all I can taste is the syrup, but I quickly realize there isn’t much taste at all. The texture isn’t completely off, but it’s not exactly right either. Overall it’s completely bland.
I press my tongue to the roof of my mouth as Charlie finally lets out a bout of laughter.
“I think you should leave the baked goods to me, babe.”
I roll my eyes as he takes the plate from me, pecking my jaw.
“But thank you. The thought was worth it.”
“Last time I ever make you anything, Next-Door-Charlie.”
He tips his head back, chuckling as he sets the cake on the floor.
“I love that you tried,” he assures me.
I huff. “Well, you know cooking isn’t my strong suit. I’m much better at just eating.”
He reaches for me, pulling me into his lap. “I’ll cook for us. You'll be the bread-winning nurse and I’ll be the stay-at-home dad.”
I giggle, toying with his fingers. “How selfish would that be?” I retort. “Keeping you stuck at home all to myself?”
“I’d be happy.” He rests his chin on my shoulder.
“It’s very tempting.”
“Tell me what you want, Banks.” I feel his breath on my neck. “Tell me about the future you see for yourself.”
“I want to be happy.”
“Tell me more.”
“I am happy,” I feel the need to say. “Here… with you. ”
His arms squeeze around mine.
“I want to be a mom,” I hum. “But I want to see the world before I do. I want to fall in love every day with my life and my job and… us.”
He presses his mouth to my neck.
“I want to sit on the beach in France or Greece and read hundreds of books. I want to help people who come into the hospital with maybe just a scrape or cold, but hope that somehow I can make their day better.”
“See?” he murmurs against my skin. “The light in the dark.”
My cheeks heat.
“I want to…” I inhale deeply. “I want to be able to look in the mirror and see what you see. See that I’m beautiful and I’m worthy and that my ethnicity is something to be proud of. I look at you, Charlie, and I see our differences but I know none of it matters. Whether I am Asian or white or Latino or anything else, I know you’d love me.” I hadn’t meant to become a puddle of goo but here we are.
“I’ve always wanted to be seen and loved for who I am and the fact that you do that, that’s all I could ever truly want. Now and in the future.”
“And you were worried.” His words touch my skin. “That we’d want different things. Sounds like we want all the same things, Banks.”
I feel a slice through my stomach at his words. The possibility of Charlie and I wanting different things isn’t what caused me to pause, it was just an excuse. It covered up the real root of my hesitation. But I’m in too deep now. I love him and loving him means affording him the time and understanding to tell me his story. I won’t wait forever, but I can wait a little longer. I can enjoy this.
Greedily, I want to revel in this right now. I’ve yearned for it for so long, that I don’t want to shatter it before it even begins. Germany is a black stain on Charlie’s heart and my only hope is I can cover it with enough ‘light’ that he’ll let me know all of him, even the darkness.
“I wish we never left,” he says so quietly. “I wish we could have gone to school together, college—all of it.”
“We’re together now.” I lean into him, tilting my head up. “We can’t change the past, but the future is completely up to us.”
I see his eyes shut as he continues to rest his jaw on my shoulder. “You’re right.”
“You know you can’t scare me off, don’t you?” I touch his cheek and his eyes open. “The past is the past and it’s okay if it stays there for a while longer.” I stroke his stubble. “But whatever it is, won’t change that I love you.”
The look resting in those blue irises isn’t easily convinced, and I didn’t think they would be. Not yet. Charlie’s as human as I am, flawed and bruised but still so utterly perfect to me. Allowing myself to accept that I love him this way, makes me only want to love him more and more until he feels safe to tell me his secrets. I see the fear in his gaze, but I also see the warmth, the affection for me. A look I’ve always seen, but now I realize why he looks at me like that.
“You have no idea.” He lifts his hand, tangling it in my hair. “How much I need you.”
“I have a bit of an idea.”
He gives one shake of his head. “You make me sane, Banks. And the fact that I tricked you into falling for me makes it all that much more wrong, but I don’t care. I’m never giving you back.”
“You tricked me, huh?” I lick my lips. “What other tricks you got?”
His mouth curls. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”
I shamelessly nod.
“I have every intention of showing you all of them.” His nose touches mine. “But right now,” he tugs us to our backs, cuddling me into his side. “I want to stargaze for a little.”
I don’t argue, settling into his arms, and wrapping my body around the warmth of his. He stares up through the clear dome, but I watch him till I drift to sleep, listening to his heartbeat beneath his chest.