T W E N T Y - N I N E
I finish with my third patient of the day who needed wound care when I finally have a moment to take lunch.
“Charlie left this for you.” Hattie nods at the little brown bag sitting on the counter at the nurse's station.
I grin.
“I told him you were waist-deep in road rash.”
“You have no idea,” I say, grabbing my baggie and the water bottle I keep at the station. “I’m going to take ten.”
“Enjoy your cupcake,” she snickers.
I decide to sit outside on my break, slipping my phone from my pocket to text Charlie when I notice a text from Perry.
R we out of tampons? Or am I just blind?
I purse my lips, thinking for a moment.
When was the last time I bought tampons…
My stomach curdles as I start doing the math.
Shit.
I should have had my period almost two weeks ago.
I can’t say anything till I know for sure.
We’ve talked about kids but not now.
Not yet.
I’m about to text her back when my pager goes off with a code blue.
All worries slip from my mind as I rush back into the hospital.
I could have stolen a test from work, but something about making myself go into a drugstore and buy one made it seem more real. I’ve never had to take a pregnancy test before. Never imagined what it would be like the moment I did.
I didn’t even know if I wanted to take the test alone.
With Charlie.
Or even Perry.
I set the bag on the table, finding Perry knitting a hat when I walked in.
I pluck the tampon box out.
“Pluggin'?”
She laughs, setting down her needles. “Just in time, I was about to free bleed all over your couch,” she teases. “I went out and got a box, but now we’re stocked up. What should we do for dinner?”
Perry walks around the kitchen.
“Omelets or takeout?”
“I’d rather not smell burnt eggs.”
Perry sticks her tongue out.
I start to change out of my scrubs when I hear the rustle of the bag.
“B?”
I sigh, turning back to her, seeing the pregnancy test in her hand.
“I’m late,” I confess.
“Does Charlie know?”
I shake my head.
“Do you think… ”
I shrug. “It’s not the first time my period has been a bit off, but I…”
“Wasn’t fucking like rabbits before.”
“Yeah.” I roll my eyes. “I just need to take it, but should I take it with him?”
Perry sets down the box. “Do you want to?”
“It would affect his life too.”
Perry walks over to me, pulling me into a hug. “It’s going to be okay.”
“We don’t even know I’m pregnant,” I attempt to reason for myself more than her.
“Still.” She gives me a squeeze. “The first test is hard to take. Even harder alone.”
“I should do it with him,” I decide.
Perry nods. “But I am more than happy to watch you pee if you’d prefer.”
A sad little laugh falls between us.
“Get takeout,” I suggest. “I’m going to head up to Charlie’s after a shower.”
“Rodger that.” Perry salutes me.
Water trickles over my body as I rub my eyes.
I told Charlie of all the things I wanted before I became a mother.
I think of all of them.
A tug of war nipping at strings as I frame a clear image of one future. The one where I spend my next birthday with a blue-eyed baby in my arms. Charlie’s blue eyes and his curls. My almond shape and lips. Charlie’s long and elegant fingers. Even my flat nose.
I see it and I feel… tears in my eyes.
Happy tears .
Sad tears.
Guilt.
For wanting a positive test.
Just as much as I want a negative one.
Grief for the life I thought I wanted and for the one I’m not ready for.
Grief for something I didn’t know I wanted till I am suddenly staring it in the face.
Life is all about planning and how it manages to unravel every little detail.
My eyes open, and I’m staring at the porcelain.
I think I might mourn something regardless of the outcome.
Thus, I might as well get to my misery.
Perry wiggles the box between her fingers, which I roll my eyes as I grab it from her on my way out.
The stairs feel never-ending till I’m standing in front of Charlie’s door.
It dawns on me that I didn’t even try to hide the very bold pregnancy test box in my hand. Not exactly breaking it to him the easy way.
I almost think about turning around, remembering how Charlie reacted to hearing about the job offer at first.
At first…
He comes around.
He always does.
And he would be here for this.
I know he will.
We did this together .
So I knock and turn the door.
The moment I hear the shower running, I want to scold Charlie for leaving his apartment unlocked, but there are other pressing matters.
I lean against the island till I hear the water shut off.
Not a few moments later the god-like physique of the man of my dreams appears, still drenched and in nothing but a low-rise towel.
Fuck.
This guy could be my baby daddy.
A bright, wide smirk runs from cheek to cheek when he notices me standing there.
“Hey, baby,” he says. “What are you doing here? Not that I don’t welcome any visit from your beautiful face.” His eyes trail over me before they land on mine, filled with a familiar hunger.
I have to bite my lip to remind myself why I came up here. Eying the very reason I am in this mess to begin with.
It’s inhumanly possible that Charlie is this fucking attractive, and he sees me the exact same.
“I need you.”
His brows lift in a seductive way as he wraps his arms around my waist.
“Do you, baby?”
With a sigh, I drop the box on the counter beside me.
Charlie’s chin dips as he eyes what I dropped.
I watch his face fall from excitement to blank.
It felt like slow motion when he finally looked at me.
“I—”
He softly silences me, kissing me so tenderly my knees start to buckle .
He holds me up, clinging to my body.
It kills me to break it, but I need to.
“I don’t know yet.”
He touches my cheek. “Are you okay?”
I nod. “I just… I wanted to do this with you.”
He presses his lips to my forehead. “Together,” he promises.
There’s been a handful of times in my life where I felt like my heart might drop out of my stomach.
Getting into college.
Having my first kiss.
To name a few.
Now adding my first pregnancy test to the list.
I peed on the stick, and now I sat on the edge of Charlie’s bed while he tugged a t-shirt over his head.
“I know we talked a little about kids,” he speaks lightly. “About all the things you wanted before kids.” He kneels at my feet, taking my hands between his. “And I want you to have all those things, Banks. I want to give them to you.”
“Charlie—”
“But I want nothing more than to have this baby with you if the test is positive.”
“We don’t know yet.”
“Tell me,” he asks. “What’s going on in that pretty head of yours? It’s scary but we can do this if that’s what you want.”
“It is scary.” I almost laugh, feeling my eyes swell. “Scary… at how not scared I am. ”
Charlie listens, waiting for me to get out everything I need to say.
“How it’s not what I planned or when I planned but it’s you,” I say. “And me. It’s both of us and how could I not want that?”
“You’re sure?”
I nod. “We both have jobs and love each other. We could do it.”
“Together,” he agrees. “We could do it.”
I give him a kiss when the timer goes off.
Charlie doesn’t pull away but rather gazes at me. Our breaths hit each other’s cheeks.
“Want me to look?” he whispers.
I take another peck. “I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather have tell me if I’m going to be a mom or not.”
“I love you.”
I still feel like my heart’s about to fall out of my body, but I know it will be caught.
The next I see him, he’s standing on the threshold of the door, staring at the test in his hand.
When he looks up at me, it's a pressed smile on his lips.
“It’s negative.”
I didn’t know I was holding my breath till I almost collapsed over from the sigh and rush of tears.
I am uncontrollably sobbing as he picks me up and holds me on his bed till I cry myself to sleep.