T H I R T Y - T H R E E
Avoidance.
We all do it.
Even if it's with something as simple as not doing the dishes or putting that project off just one more day. We avoid things that make us uncomfortable or that we know will hurt us.
I’ve been taking shifts that keep us from being home together. I changed, showered, and even ate for the most part at my apartment. We’ve only caught a glimpse of each other these past few days but if I don’t see him…
If I don't see Charlie, I can pretend we're fine.
Pretend that I am fine.
Pretend that my head doesn't matter.
Pretend that only what my heart says does.
“You're real quiet, Banks.”
My mother's voice tugs at my attention. I sat at a late lunch with her and my sister-in-law, Jessie.
“Just a little tired is all,” I murmur. “I worked an overnight shift this morning.”
“I thought you just took a nap?” my mother inquires.
“I did,” I say. “Anyway, what were you talking about?”
Jessie giggles a little as she brings her lemonade glass to her lips.
“Jessie was telling us about the armoire she found. ”
“She doesn't care about me scraping off ten layers of paint, Aimee,” Jessie snickers. “It's fine. It's not all that interesting. How's Perry doing?”
I push the pasta I ordered around with my fork. “Do either of you want a scarf?”
They both stare at me.
“Rather than dating, she's taken up knitting.”
My mother laughs. “You're kidding?”
I shake my head. “My entire apartment is covered in yarn.”
I haven’t told my parents that I had somewhat moved in with Charlie and now doesn’t seem like a good time to say anything.
“Knitting?” Jessie questions. “Why knitting?”
“Keeps her hands busy.”
“Any luck with a job?” my mom asks.
I nod. “She started as a receptionist just this week.”
“Oh, that'll be nice.”
“Is she going to get her own apartment?” Jessie utters.
I shrug. “I don't mind her staying. I spend most of my time at work or Charlie's anyway.”
Mom grins. “And how is that going?”
I find myself staring at the pasta because I'm about to spin a web of the truth.
“We're good.”
Despite the hiccup that had become the failed attempt of announcing to my family that Charlie and I had starting dating, we eventually did so at a Sunday dinner.
“He's a good one that Charlie Barnes,” my mother singsongs. “He was the sweetest little boy. I bet his parents are real proud. ”
What hurt the most was that she's not wrong.
He is a good one.
I know it in the depths of my bones that Charlie is a good man. And I wish I could forget about everything he’s been hiding and let the past be the past, but I can't anymore.
I can't allow myself to be ignorantly happy.
I've been stewing over it and I think he understood that I needed space, which he's given me. Even the tiny bit of information he gave me still feels like a half-truth. I feel like there’s a huge part he’s still keeping from me.
And the fact that he is respecting my space… even that is making me irritated, he's perfect through a fight.
There is a list of a hundred and one things that are consummate about Charlie and I can't let this one imperfect thing go.
I need the space because I'm upset with myself just as much as I am with him. And if I don’t truly think this through, I might end up doing something I regret.
“Did you hear me, Banks?”
I blink at my mom.
“What?”
“Do you love him, sweetheart?”
Her soft light eyes peer at me from across the table.
“Of course, I do,” I inhale. “I probably love him too much.”
“Is everything okay, Banks?” Jessie tilts her head.
“I'm just a little stressed with work,” I brush off the concern. “I turned down a job, and now it's a bit of a mess with the nurses.”
“Turned down a job? Why is this the first I'm hearing about it? ”
“Because I didn't take it, Mom.”
“What kind of job?”
I sigh. “Dr. Stevens—”
“The one you were seeing before Charlie?”
I nod. “He took a two-year contract with Doctors without Borders and leaves in a week or so,” I explain. “He gets to take a nurse with him and asked me to go.”
“Doctors without Borders?” Mom lifts her palm as her fingertips brush her lips. “That would be an amazing opportunity, Banks.”
“Two years is a long time though,” Jessie adds.
“That's why I didn't take it,” I agree. “I didn't want to spend two years away from everyone and...”
“Charlie,” my mother respires.
“Is that the only reason you didn't take it?” Jessie wonders.
I purse my lips. “Well... if you asked a year ago, I wouldn't have even considered it. My anxiety would have just been... too much.”
“But you did consider going?”
I nod at my mother. “Part of me really wanted to.”
My mother frowns. “Tell me something.” She sets her fork down. “Did you turn it down because you truly thought it was the right decision or because of Charlie?”
I blink.
“I love Charlie,” she continues. “You know that. But your career is just as important as your boyfriend. If Charlie loves you, he wouldn't want you to stay just because of him. He would want you to do what’s best for you.”
“It was my decision,” I insist. “We discussed it, and he told me it was my choice. ”
“Two years isn't as long as it seems, Banks,” she says. “It would be a wonderful experience for you. I know you struggle with new people and places at first but—”
“Mom,” I stop her. “I'm fulfilled with my work. I love working at the hospital and Charlie is a big part of me being able to deal with my anxiety. I just got him. I just got to this point in my life. Why would I want to suddenly give it up?”
My anxiety isn't much compared to some people, but in some ways, it can be debilitating to my life. It's not the end of the world, but it sure has caused me to miss out a time or two. Once comfortable in my surroundings, I'm better but having the courage to go somewhere new... can be challenging. Terrifying even.
My mother surrenders, lifting her hand. “I understand. I just don't want you to miss out.”
Which is what I'd done most of my life if someone, namely Perry, hadn't pulled me by my hair.
It became habit to villainize others as an excuse to not put myself out there.
Assume men would treat me like an object.
Assume the girls wouldn't like me.
Assume I was picked to fill the race quota.
Assume I didn't matter because people knew me as Kai's sister and not for myself.
The list goes on and on.
But isn't that life?
We're pieced together by our connections. Every bit attached to me makes up multiple parts of who I am.
Part of who I am is Kai's sister.
I am Perry's friend.
I am half-Japanese.
I am an Asian American.
I am a curvy woman.
I am a worthy human being.
I am... Banks.