The Stars and Broken Parts

T H I R T Y - S I X

Perry crosses her arms over her chest. “You're sure about this?”

“He lied to me, Perry.” I dig through my bag for his keys. “He lied straight to my face.”

“But going through his stuff?” she cautions me, staring at me with such concern in her eyes. “You can't take that back.”

I don't want to hear it.

“Don't wait up, okay?” I say, clutching the keys in my palm.

“Banks...”

I pause and hang my head.

It's creeping in.

She knows there's nothing more to be said, so Perry wraps her arms around my shoulders and buries her head in my neck. She holds me for a long while. She feels it creeping in too.

Peeling my body from hers, I take the elevator to his floor. My footsteps are the heaviest they've ever been as I unlock the door and let myself into the dark apartment. I don't run to his nightstand. A small part of me doesn't even want to do this because I know what it means.

My fingers press into the drawer, slowly dragging it open and dumping the contents on the bed. On to the duvet I picked for him .

I reach for the leather file, open it, and see the police report. This time I read it rather than skim. There's not much more, other than the black and white of him assaulting his neighbor. An officer working with his father. No motive documented. I set it to the side and found a few pages that seem to be notes below it. I push them aside and look at the next thing. The blinding letters reading Certificate of Death cause me to pause.

My palm covers my sobs as I read.

Carsyn.

Her death is dated nearly five years ago, while Charlie would have been in college. It was ruled a suicide.

All those times I asked him about her, and she has been dead? This entire time?

I set the certificate on top of the police report and found printed-out emails underneath it. They are exchanges between Charlie and Carsyn dating about a year before her death. They seem normal until the one dated a day before her death date.

To: charliebarnes21

From: carsynabarnes

Subject:

Hey big brother,

When you get this, I want you to know that there was nothing you could have done. That I love you the most in this entire world. You always felt that it was your job to protect me and I want you to know that you didn't fail. Dad failed but never you, Charlie. I know you would have done everything in your power to stop it. If only you could have .

You'll want an explanation, and you are the only person who I think deserves one.

I loved Germany when we were little. When we first got here. I know you hated it. You missed home. You missed her. Even as a kid, you knew what love looked like in all its forms. Friendship, sibling love, real love. You're the only person I know with a heart so pure. I don't want you to lose it. Not because of me.

My heart has been tainted.

And nothing could have changed that.

I tried, Charlie. I tried everything I could think of, but nothing could make it go away.

No matter how much makeup I put on.

How many times I scrubbed and scrubbed my skin.

No matter how many times I wished the dreams would go away.

How much I tried to forget.

I can't make it stop.

I'm so sorry that it has to be you, but I have to tell someone the truth, Charlie.

I need to tell someone I trust. Someone I know I am safe with. Someone who I know will still love me.

Jim raped me.

I will spare you the details because neither of us could survive that, and I don't want my brother to live knowing something he has no power in changing. But it was... the most terrifying as you can imagine and then multiply that by a hundred.

The physical wounds can heal, no matter how catastrophic. The ones inside, there is no remedy for .

I want you to remember me for who I am and not for what happened to me.

I am broken beyond repair, and I do not want you to feel the same.

Don't come back here. Not for me and certainly not for them. Don't do anything more than live for the both of us.

I'm not strong enough to overcome this as hard as I have tried.

You always said I was your little lion. But now, I'll be a star in the sky.

I love you, big brother.

It's the only thing I am sure of anymore. The only thing that gives me the strength to do what I need to do.

I need to be free of this.

I can't be saved but if I could be, it would be you who could do it.

You never failed me, Charlie.

Love,

Little Lion

My cheeks stain with tears as I set down her email and grab his notes. The man he assaulted was his little sister’s rapist. The man who drove her to take her own life. Charlie was going to kill him. And he would have done it if Charlie's father hadn't stepped in and stopped it.

I hear the door open, but I don't raise my eyes, staring at one of the photos. It must have been one of the last times he saw her. Her hair is a bit lighter than his, lengthy nearly reaching her waist. She has the same crystal blue eyes framed with dark brown lashes and a dusting of freckles over her nose .

She's beautiful.

And just a little girl.

Still.

She was just a little girl.

“Banks?” His tone is run down, but I can hear the panic.

It takes me a long time, but I finally raise my head

“Where were you?” My voice cracks as I set the photo down. The evidence on display between us.

“What?”

His bag makes a thud as it hits the floor, and he strides to the side of the bed. I tilt my head, shamelessly glancing at him with my wet cheeks.

“Where were you?”

He has the making of another black eye and a badly split lip. His hands are still wrapped with blood staining them.

His own eyes fall to the mess I've made of the bed before finding mine again, full of ignominy.

“Banks...”

“Where. Were. You?”

He crumbles, falling to his knees in front of me.

“Banks...”

Silent red-hot tears stream down my face as he bows before me. His voice is shaky. His hair is soaked and clinging to him as he wears his sweatshirt, loosely zipped.

“Let me explain,” he begs. It's rare I'm the one looking down at him, but I still feel powerless. “Please.”

“Tell me the truth.” My voice feels see-through and broken.

He eyes the emails before fiercely biting down on his jawbone. “You know about Carsyn.”

Not a question. A fact .

“Charlie,” I breathe. “Tell me the truth.”

“You went through my things?” He isn't angry but... embarrassed.

“I'm sorry,” I nod. “But why did you lie to me about your sister? Why did you tell me she was alive when—when this —”

“I didn't say she was alive,” he sighs. “I just didn't say she was dead.”

My lips part.

“Not a lie exactly,” he murmurs. “I wanted to tell you, Banks. I just... I'm not proud of what I did. I'm not sorry but I'm not proud.”

“He raped her. Brutalized her. And you wanted to kill him,” I say, somehow understanding. “And you nearly did.”

He doesn't flinch at those words. “Can you blame me?”

I shake my head. “No, I don't blame you. Not for this,” I tell him, pointing at the papers. “I blame you for lying to me about it.”

He stands, whipping around, trying to conceal his emotions. “They covered it up. My little sister was fucking raped—she was raped and he beat her within an inch of death, and they covered it up! They. Covered. It. Up. Banks!”

His fists ball again.

“Her own fucking father told her to let it go.” Charlie turns again, his eyes red with fury. “His baby was viciously violated and he protected her rapist. He nearly killed her and her own father didn't protect her. I didn't protect her!”

I let him yell.

It’s unbearable to know he’s been holding this in the entire time, but not as unbearable as it must have been to live it. I owe him enough to let him say what he needs to. Even if, he’s ripping me apart.

“My dad outranks that piece of shit and rather than stir up trouble in the ranks or service, he brushed it all under the rug. They wouldn't let Carsyn file a report, and they forced her to continue to live houses down from him. She was so alone, she thought she had no other choice than to take an entire bottle of pills and while she laid in her bed dying, my parents were at that fucker's barbecue,” he bellows. “Keeping up appearances for the ‘greater good’ while my sister killed herself.”

His lungs are winded as his fists fall, and he looks at me with raw wet eyes.

“I beat the shit out of him and after that, I couldn't stop.”

His teeth sink into his busted lip.

“Every time I fight, I feel like I'm fighting for her. If I had just been there—”

“Charlie—”

“Everyone I fight is him, Banks,” he wretches. “Every win is me protecting her. It’s a moment where I feel like I can save her—”

I close my eyes as my heart cracks.

“Is that how you make your money?”

He harshly exhales. “Yes.”

“Do you work for the grocers at all?”

“No.”

Those cracks fester. I feel them shattering into a million little pieces.

I understand. I understand it all. But I can’t make it okay. I... can’t.

And he knows it .

“Banks.” He kneels in front of me again, taking my hands in his. “None of this matters. I promised you I wouldn't fight anymore and I won't. I'm done. I'll be done for you. Carsyn—”

Another tear slides down my face as I lift my heavy eyelids. Seeing the eyes of the man I love so completely… lie to me. Again .

“I couldn't protect Carsyn and I can't forgive my father or my mother for sweeping her death under the rug like a bad stain. I have no one, Banks. And I was okay with that. I was okay fighting till one day someone took me out,” he tells me, and it feels like the first line of truth. “Till I saw you. Till I saw you again at Harlem's . ”

I silently sob.

“I am so in love with you, Banks.” His own eyes weep. “Please don't be mad at me for keeping this from you. You talking like Carsyn was still alive made me feel like I could pretend she was for a while. She wasn't dead, just in Germany,” he bawls. “I didn't want to taint your life with this really fucking shitty thing. I didn’t want you to see me as damaged goods. I wanted to protect you and make sure nothing ever happened to you like what happened to my little sister.”

I squeeze his forearm as his wrapped fists are too big for me to take in my hand.

“You looked at me like I was such a good guy. Like I was better than you. Some perfect made-up man. When really, I'm just broken. I'm so fucked up but you made me feel okay for the first time in so long. It's not right and I know you must feel like I tricked you somehow, but I swear to you— ”

“I'm sorry.” My voice is raspy as my throat feels as if a cat has clawed at it, blooding my words. “I'm so sorry you lost your sister, Charlie. And I'm so sorry your parents did what they did. I’m so sorry neither of you were loved and cared for as you should have been, as you deserved. ”

I gently push on him as I slip to my knees on the floor in front of him, taking his face between my palms.

“Is there anything else you want to tell me?” I can barely manage the words.

I need him to tell me he fought tonight.

Tell me where and with whom.

I need him to be honest with me.

This last time.

If there were to be any path forward, I need this from him.

“I should have told you.” He tries to hug me to him, but I keep my distance.

“I love you,” I plea. “Is there anything else you want to tell me?”

“I never finished school,” he admits. “I don't have a degree. I couldn't go back after I left in the middle of the semester when Carsyn died. I'm not a scientist and I never will be.”

Another lie.

“Did you think I wouldn't love you?” I lose all patience as I rip my hands from him. “That I have a stick so far up my ass, I couldn't love someone who doesn't have a degree or has experienced a loss? Is that what you think of me? Or is that the cape you hide behind because you think I can’t handle real grief? Real tragedy? Charlie, I could have helped you. I could have—”

“No, ” he gapes .

“Everything you told me was a lie, Charlie!”

“Not everything.” He shakes his head. “How I felt, how I feel about you is all true. I did have a crush on you when we were kids and I—”

“I bandaged your wounds,” I shriek. “I pleaded with you over and over again, to be honest with me. To let me in. To give me the opportunity to love all of you and I find out it's all been a lie?”

Again he reaches for me, but I bat him away.

“And even when I was understanding, and gave you months to come clean with me, I had to stoop to going through your things for you to tell me the truth,” I huff, sucking back my sobs. “Look at you,” I groan. “I can tell exactly where you were tonight, but you can't even tell me to my face. I am giving you everything and you can’t even look me in the eye and be honest with me.”

I shift my weight, standing and walking past him.

“Banks,” he calls. “Don't be mad at me for wanting to put all of that behind me.”

I snort. “You think that's why I'm mad?” I look over my shoulder. “You think I'm mad because of your sister's death?”

The remorse sinks into his face as even he can't believe that falsehood.

“My heart breaks for you, Charlie. I can never begin to understand what it must have felt like to have your sister taken from you at all, let alone under those circumstances. Seeing how you loved her makes me fall for you all the more.” I hug my hands to my chest. “But I never needed you to protect me. Not like this. I didn't need to be protected from you . From whom you are. From what you’ve been through. Because even right now, when you took a hammer to my heart and I'm bleeding out, I love you,” I inhale sharply. “And because I love you, I could never lie to you like this. I couldn’t keep something of this magnitude from the person I love the most.”

His head sinks into his shoulders as his arms fall limp.

“I want to believe you when you say it was real,” I whimper. “I want it with every fiber of my being, but I can't. I can't believe that you would lie to me about all of this and still love me as I love you. I can't trust you, Charlie.” I feel my resolve disintegrating. “And if I am honest, I haven't been able to for a while.”

“Don't...” he whispers. His bloodshot eyes implore me as he takes a step. “Don't do this.”

Another step.

“Please.”

His voice cuts through me in a way as devastating as what his family experienced in Germany.

“Don't do this, Banks.” He reaches me, pressing his hands into my shoulders. “I love you. I swear it. I swear it on Carsyn's grave, I love you.”

I shake my head. “She deserves better... And so do I.”

I broke him.

I broke him just as much as he broke me.

I can't handle the devastation on his face.

That I am about to fail him as her parents failed him.

As they failed Carsyn.

As he has failed me.

His scent invades my nostrils. All of him wrapping around me and even now, I want to thrust myself into his arms .

“Please.” He presses his forehead to mine. “Please don't leave me, baby.”

Life-shattering.

Perry was right about that.

This love is ugly and agonizing but still the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced.

“You will be the only man I will ever love this completely, this unforgiving. The first man who made me feel human and I will love you for that, Charlie. I will love you till the end of time for that. And I love every part of you, even the broken ones.”

I barely trust myself to do this, but I have to. I brush my lips over his, tasting his blood. He follows my lead, not taking it deeper, but refusing to pull away.

I'd have to be the one.

Fresh tears trickle down my face as I tip my head back.

His eyes are slow to open and nothing is behind them. They are the lightest black holes I've ever seen.

“But I can't be with you, not when we can’t trust one another with the most vital parts.”